Recently I've been considering going to a Christian counsellor to help deal with some issues. I'm in a great relationship now and I want to be an awesome Godly wife but I realise that I need to deal with, forgive, sort out and let go of some issues from my past. Some things I've been able to identify and deal with through prayer and reading the bible, Christian books/listening to sermons but I can tell that I have some ideas or views about marriage and myself that are not constructive for a healthy marriage.
My parents barely tolerated each other for majority of their lives (they can't seem to communicate properly without losing their temper or becoming extremely critical/disrespectful). I've been constantly caught between my parents with each one of them telling me what's wrong with the other person and how miserable they are - the whole idea of wives submitting to husbands and husbands loving their wives biblical concept does not seem to work in our family. There's no genuine thank you or apologies to each other and I've never heard them say "I love you" to each other. There's no physical contact or intimacy (I don't remember them ever hugging) except the odd holding hands in public rare occasion for show, especially since they live in separate parts of the house. I've only really hugged my dad once or twice in my life and not so much more with my mum either. They've never been out on a date without the kids because it's very uncomfortable for them. I have no problems hugging my bf and physical touch seems to be my main love language. I now ensure that I'm not stingy with "thank you", "I'm sorry" and "I love you" on a daily basis even though it was difficult at the start. I've started to enjoy showering him with words of affirmation even though it was awkward previously.
Then there's the discipline problem where they contradict what each other says. Mum is quite physical but she has toned down a lot with me since I'm an adult now. She still verbally puts me down on a daily basis though because she believes that I'm still her child to be disciplined e.g. she would tell me that the sight of me makes her angry, remind me how I've always been selfish if I don't do things her way, criticise my weight and calling me gross and ugly (she predicts that my future husband will be fed up with me just like her if I don't change), that I might as well remain single because if I get married and have kids, my kids will turn out just like me..... I use to get in awful fights with her but after giving me heart to Christ, I've learnt to just shut my mouth when she starts her insult. There are days when I just try to ignore but it can still hurt sometimes. My bf has been awesome in helping out with this area - he always reminds me that I'm beautiful and have encouraged me to work on some weaknesses in my life. Honestly, I've suffered from eating disorder when I was younger because of this and still have my bad days when I hate what I see in the mirror - but God has helped me in this area too.
Then there's my past (struggled with sexuality) and got myself into an unequally yoked relationship - in which I totally turned away from God. But He has brought me back and I broke off that relationship but it totally distorted my idea of sexuality within a Godly marriage. I've since been reading Christian sources, searching the bible and listening to sermons about God and sex and have really come a far way but there's of course still parts I need help with. My bf, on the other hand, has a totally different sexual history. It's not an area he is weak in and he doesn't have a past to deal with. We are almost on different ends of the spectrum. This is an area that needs restoration and I fear that the enemy will target it if we do get married.
There's probably more warped ideas about myself and life that really needs to be dealt with so that I don't carry my parents' mistakes into my marriage and future generations (my bf's personality and mine are almost like a mirror image of my parents' differences which terrifies me but I'm learning to submit it to God and knowing that I can be successful if I do it His way). I love my parents and have accepted their flaws but I want to be free from any unresolved tensions and negative influence so I can make a difference in my own relationship. Do you guys think this is serious enough for me to go see a counsellor?
My parents barely tolerated each other for majority of their lives (they can't seem to communicate properly without losing their temper or becoming extremely critical/disrespectful). I've been constantly caught between my parents with each one of them telling me what's wrong with the other person and how miserable they are - the whole idea of wives submitting to husbands and husbands loving their wives biblical concept does not seem to work in our family. There's no genuine thank you or apologies to each other and I've never heard them say "I love you" to each other. There's no physical contact or intimacy (I don't remember them ever hugging) except the odd holding hands in public rare occasion for show, especially since they live in separate parts of the house. I've only really hugged my dad once or twice in my life and not so much more with my mum either. They've never been out on a date without the kids because it's very uncomfortable for them. I have no problems hugging my bf and physical touch seems to be my main love language. I now ensure that I'm not stingy with "thank you", "I'm sorry" and "I love you" on a daily basis even though it was difficult at the start. I've started to enjoy showering him with words of affirmation even though it was awkward previously.
Then there's the discipline problem where they contradict what each other says. Mum is quite physical but she has toned down a lot with me since I'm an adult now. She still verbally puts me down on a daily basis though because she believes that I'm still her child to be disciplined e.g. she would tell me that the sight of me makes her angry, remind me how I've always been selfish if I don't do things her way, criticise my weight and calling me gross and ugly (she predicts that my future husband will be fed up with me just like her if I don't change), that I might as well remain single because if I get married and have kids, my kids will turn out just like me..... I use to get in awful fights with her but after giving me heart to Christ, I've learnt to just shut my mouth when she starts her insult. There are days when I just try to ignore but it can still hurt sometimes. My bf has been awesome in helping out with this area - he always reminds me that I'm beautiful and have encouraged me to work on some weaknesses in my life. Honestly, I've suffered from eating disorder when I was younger because of this and still have my bad days when I hate what I see in the mirror - but God has helped me in this area too.
Then there's my past (struggled with sexuality) and got myself into an unequally yoked relationship - in which I totally turned away from God. But He has brought me back and I broke off that relationship but it totally distorted my idea of sexuality within a Godly marriage. I've since been reading Christian sources, searching the bible and listening to sermons about God and sex and have really come a far way but there's of course still parts I need help with. My bf, on the other hand, has a totally different sexual history. It's not an area he is weak in and he doesn't have a past to deal with. We are almost on different ends of the spectrum. This is an area that needs restoration and I fear that the enemy will target it if we do get married.
There's probably more warped ideas about myself and life that really needs to be dealt with so that I don't carry my parents' mistakes into my marriage and future generations (my bf's personality and mine are almost like a mirror image of my parents' differences which terrifies me but I'm learning to submit it to God and knowing that I can be successful if I do it His way). I love my parents and have accepted their flaws but I want to be free from any unresolved tensions and negative influence so I can make a difference in my own relationship. Do you guys think this is serious enough for me to go see a counsellor?
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