Should I pay them back?

[Porpoise]

My parents paid for me to go to grad school, and it cost well over $100,000. But after 6 months of working, I've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being. When I tell them, they will be very angry that I'm changing careers, because it will mean they worked and earned that money for my schooling for nothing. I don't know if they will forgive me.

Should I offer to pay them back for my schooling? I can't know how good my salary will be in the new job, and even if it is a good salary, it will take years to earn enough to pay them back. And while I like the idea of paying them back and making things right, it might be hard on my depression to take on such a large debt for so long. The other consideration is, what if several years in the future, I end up getting married and having kids. If so, shouldn't I be saving for them, so they can grow up in a house and go to college?

But don't I owe my parents? It was their money that put me through college. And what if they demand that I pay them back? On the other hand, when they paid for my college, it wasn't a loan, there were no strings attached as far as I was aware.

What's the right thing to do?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

My parents paid for me to go to grad school, and it cost well over $100,000. But after 6 months of working, I've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being. When I tell them, they will be very angry that I'm changing careers, because it will mean they worked and earned that money for my schooling for nothing. I don't know if they will forgive me.

Should I offer to pay them back for my schooling? I can't know how good my salary will be in the new job, and even if it is a good salary, it will take years to earn enough to pay them back. And while I like the idea of paying them back and making things right, it might be hard on my depression to take on such a large debt for so long. The other consideration is, what if several years in the future, I end up getting married and having kids. If so, shouldn't I be saving for them, so they can grow up in a house and go to college?

But don't I owe my parents? It was their money that put me through college. And what if they demand that I pay them back? On the other hand, when they paid for my college, it wasn't a loan, there were no strings attached as far as I was aware.

What's the right thing to do?

Honouring your parents is an important part of walking in the Spirit. You haven't said whether your parents are Christians or not. If they aren't, how is your decision going to affect their view of Christians and Christianity. How will this affect your Christian testimony to them? If they are Christians, you need to talk things over with them and for you and them to pray together and see what God's will is for you and them.

When I retired, my wife and I had quite a nest-egg of savings, but over the last three years, our daughter (an only child) had asked us to finance some projects, which cost quite a bit, which came to nothing when she changed her mind. We also had to pay the installments on her motor vehicle when she left her job and did a course of study. While she was job-hunting, we supplemented her welfare payments. As a result, we have little left in our savings account. Now she has a regular well-paying job and is engaged to be married.

We have decided that for her to pay back the money that we have granted her over the three years would place too much of a burden on her, so we decided to bear the loss. After all, what are parents for?

Our daughter was sometimes frightened to ask us for money because she thought we would get angry at her, but we knew that we wouldn't, so I told her to ask and not let a bill mount up to some great amount with legal action pending just because she was too afraid to ask us for assistance. She did this with a number of parking fines, and she hid the tickets until we got the letters from the court, with the fines going up from $13 to $75 when court costs were added. She racked up $2000 in fines before we were able to catch up with them all. Because I worked for the Court at the time, I was able to make an arrangement for her to pay back $20 per week, and in a couple of years she had it all paid back. I told her, for goodness sake bring the tickets to us right away!!!! Thankfully she did that and we were able to get the lower amount paid for further tickets before the Court costs were added.

As a parent, I can say that parents can be very forgiving of their children in cases like these. Face the music and talk to your parents. If you have good reason to change your career, then they will understand. If you can make repayments, then anything can be negotiated.

Honouring your parents needs to be involved in decisions you may make that affect them, rather than keeping secrets from them through fear of their reaction.

 

[Rescued One]

I'm not God who teaches right and wrong. But if your parents are true Christians, they will forgive you. If they don't forgive you, I'd forgive them and move away.

If your parents were to have financial difficulties, I'd probably try to help them but not in order to support a luxurious lifestyle.

Have you had any therapy? Possible causes [of depression] include a combination of biological, psychological, and social sources of distress. Increasingly, research suggests these factors may cause changes in brain function, including altered activity of certain neural circuits in the brain.

Read up on depression and try to pinpoint the cause.

Depression (major depressive disorder) - Symptoms and causes

God bless.

 

[Wordkeeper]

My parents paid for me to go to grad school, and it cost well over $100,000. But after 6 months of working, I've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being. When I tell them, they will be very angry that I'm changing careers, because it will mean they worked and earned that money for my schooling for nothing. I don't know if they will forgive me.

Should I offer to pay them back for my schooling? I can't know how good my salary will be in the new job, and even if it is a good salary, it will take years to earn enough to pay them back. And while I like the idea of paying them back and making things right, it might be hard on my depression to take on such a large debt for so long. The other consideration is, what if several years in the future, I end up getting married and having kids. If so, shouldn't I be saving for them, so they can grow up in a house and go to college?

But don't I owe my parents? It was their money that put me through college. And what if they demand that I pay them back? On the other hand, when they paid for my college, it wasn't a loan, there were no strings attached as far as I was aware.

What's the right thing to do?

You never asked to be born. Your parents had you for their own good. So it's only proper they provided for you till you could be on your own.

Now your duty is to provide for yourself and if you have more, you can give them gifts. There is no obligation to repay what was spent in providing for you. Unlike biblical times when there were no retirement plans, there is no need to provide for them when these plans are available and have been prepared.

 

[Richard T]

I doubt your parents had strings attached to your graduate schooling. You still have the credits, you did not blow the money. It is normal to change careers. I would just have a face to face talk with them, let them know where you are at. If they sacrificed greatly to pay for your college, then let them know you hope that you can help them in retirement. Again, no formal obligation, just some courtesy and thanks. In the meantime, I hope you can get help with your depression, including both prayer, your own personal movement toward more of God, and some medical/professional help as needed. Re-ordering one's life can do wonders. I hope you can enjoy your new career.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

My parents paid for me to go to grad school, and it cost well over $100,000. But after 6 months of working, I've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being. When I tell them, they will be very angry that I'm changing careers, because it will mean they worked and earned that money for my schooling for nothing. I don't know if they will forgive me.

Should I offer to pay them back for my schooling? I can't know how good my salary will be in the new job, and even if it is a good salary, it will take years to earn enough to pay them back. And while I like the idea of paying them back and making things right, it might be hard on my depression to take on such a large debt for so long. The other consideration is, what if several years in the future, I end up getting married and having kids. If so, shouldn't I be saving for them, so they can grow up in a house and go to college?

But don't I owe my parents? It was their money that put me through college. And what if they demand that I pay them back? On the other hand, when they paid for my college, it wasn't a loan, there were no strings attached as far as I was aware.

What's the right thing to do?

Your parents pay for you to attend all the schools you have been to since you
been old enough to go to school, they pay for the food you eat, clothes, provided a home for you and probably helped get you a car etc.
Did you ever ask them should you pay them back for all that they provided for
you after you graduated from high school and college?
Did they ever say to you that you had to repay all the money they spent on
you?
This is what parents do for their child/children....love and provide for them.
Win, lose or draw.

What be the right thing for you to do?
Breathe... and Take care of yourself and your health.

 

[joshua 1 9]

We didn't. Those were Mormons like your avatar.

My avatar is Egyptian. What do Mormons have to do with Egypt? I lived in Salt Lake City for three years, so I got to know a lot of Mormons when I was there.

 

[joshua 1 9]

've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being.

God has all the plans for us. He writes the book of our life before we are even born. He gives us all of our gifts, talents and abilities to bring Him honor and glory. The Holy Spirit has been given to be our Teacher and our Guide. Parents should nurture a child and help them to be the person God created them to be.

 

[Sketcher]

My parents paid for me to go to grad school, and it cost well over $100,000. But after 6 months of working, I've decided I need to change my career due to chronic illness (depression), for the sake of my health and well-being. When I tell them, they will be very angry that I'm changing careers, because it will mean they worked and earned that money for my schooling for nothing. I don't know if they will forgive me.

Should I offer to pay them back for my schooling? I can't know how good my salary will be in the new job, and even if it is a good salary, it will take years to earn enough to pay them back. And while I like the idea of paying them back and making things right, it might be hard on my depression to take on such a large debt for so long. The other consideration is, what if several years in the future, I end up getting married and having kids. If so, shouldn't I be saving for them, so they can grow up in a house and go to college?

But don't I owe my parents? It was their money that put me through college. And what if they demand that I pay them back? On the other hand, when they paid for my college, it wasn't a loan, there were no strings attached as far as I was aware.

What's the right thing to do?

If you get a job that realistically allows you to pay them back, that will be an extremely well-paying job. Which means you would be doing well enough for yourself that they shouldn't be too upset at you for changing careers. And if they were looking for that money back anyway, it would be because they believed in a certain field of work that would allow you to pay them back faster than otherwise.

Since they dropped $100,000 for your education, you should be thankful, you should be grateful, and you should use as much of it as you can in whatever field of work is right for you. Lots of people end up working in completely different fields than what they majored in.

However - depression is a beast that follows you no matter what field you go into. A bad job can certainly make it worse, but some people are very unhappy no matter what job they try. You should therefore take inventory of why you are depressed, and how your job specifically contributes to that depression before you quit. Assess what you like and what you don't like about that job. If the problems can be dealt with through workable changes, try that first. If they cannot, detail why not. That way, if you have to quit, you'll be able to articulate exactly why you quit to your parents. Still, unless they are legitimately toxic people, perhaps you should turn to them for advice on how to carry on or adjust your life to do well in the career you have. You got an expensive education for free, a job that is in all likelihood potentially lucrative, and presumably contacts that made your employment so soon out of college possible. It's worth giving it a chance.

 

[Rescued One]

My avatar is Egyptian. What do Mormons have to do with Egypt? I lived in Salt Lake City for three years, so I got to know a lot of Mormons when I was there.

If you are a Christian you wouldn't be teaching Mormonism.

 

[joshua 1 9]

If you are a Christian you wouldn't be teaching Mormonism.

Get off your high horse and join us in the real world.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I'm on board with treating the depression. That is first and foremost.

In time you may be able to go back and enjoy the career your parents paid for.

I'm going to tell you why your parents paid that money for your college though. It's because they didn't want you to be poor and struggling paycheck to paycheck. They wanted you to be able to marry and have a family of your own and have all your needs well met.

Being poor might sound romantic, but it's not fun when you can't afford to give your children food that is good for them.

This is why your parents dropped so much money on your schooling. They will worry about you deciding to change to a different career, so you will want to sit with them and discuss the real issues.

If you do it is perhaps they can help you with some of it, at least for moral support.

God bless.

 

[LoricaLady]

We don't know how well off your parents are. If their retirement or general security was put at risk to help you, I would say absolutely help them out. We are to honor our mothers and fathers. As some suggested above, have a talk with them about it. Even though you may have never asked to be born, the Bible still says "Honor your father and mother that...." what? "That your days may be long upon the earth."