Should I Confront My Girlfriend About Her Male Bestfriend?

[nb408]

I have a theory that she has a crush on him and she's not aware of it.. Here's why, firstly they've been friends for years but started hanging out a lot more frequently a little before her and I met. Before her and I started dating, everyone thought they were dating because they got along so well. They have sooo much in common, and they're so alike. Everything she has told me she desires in a person, he has. She tells me from time to time that she would make the cutest asian babies. That mixed babies are so cute. He's the only male asian friend she has. She's even told him to his face that they would make the cutest babies together while I was there.. Obviously it wasn't shocking as they tell each other everything, but it made me uncomfortable. She told me every relationship she had started off with was a friendship first. This is what shocked me.. When she explained this she said, it's when everyone is wondering why you guys aren't dating, then a switch goes off in your head and you think..oh. Maybe this could work?.. Immediately when she said this I thought of him and my heart sank. She seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that she might have a crush on him.. She's constantly annoyed by him, more annoyed than any of her other friends. And when I asked her if she would ever date someone asian, she went into detail about how weird and new it would be for her.. They know everything about eachother so there's already a sense of trust. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about this but she's so loyal and she'd never cheat. I'm also really good friends with the guy. I'm afraid she would get really defensive if I brought this up.. What should I do? Am I over analyzing things?

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

Maybe try telling her a little of how you feel but make sure it doesn’t come out as an accusation, but an honest representation of how you feel, just say you feel a little insecure and she can probably put your mind at rest.

For what it’s worth, my oldest, dearest friend a a man I’ve known since the day I was born, and we get on so well we act like great siblings, there’s no other feelings involved at all.

 

[nb408]

Maybe try telling her a little of how you feel but make sure it doesn’t come out as an accusation, but an honest representation of how you feel, just say you feel a little insecure and she can probably put your mind at rest.

For what it’s worth, my oldest, dearest friend a a man I’ve known since the day I was born, and we get on so well we act like great siblings, there’s no other feelings involved at all.

Thanks that actually helps a lot. Do people ever think you guys are dating?

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

Thanks that actually helps a lot. Do people ever think you guys are dating?

Really glad it helps.

When I was a teenager people sometimes assumed that. I think sometimes it’s an age thing. As we’ve got older no one has thought so.

 

[JazzHands]

Speaking as man, I confess, I have to disagree. I've never had a girlfriend who actually wanted me to be acquiescent. She may be attracted to him and maybe he's very charismatic but when your GF starts 'imagining' little beautiful asian babies, she's clearly not in the same world as you.

I think you have to decide how much you're willing to 'fight' for your 'womaaan'. No fisticuffs or anything but you have to be prepared to be honest with her. My Mum has always worshipped the ground my Dad walks on and yet, it seems effortless to him, he's just very secure about himself. He's confident, erudite, organised and principled.

Be pragmatic and don't ever show that you have a weak spot.. it's unbecoming!

 

[nb408]

Speaking as man, I confess, I have to disagree. I've never had a girlfriend who actually wanted me to be acquiescent. She may be attracted to him and maybe he's very charismatic but when your GF starts 'imagining' little beautiful asian babies, she's clearly not in the same world as you.

I think you have to decide how much you're willing to 'fight' for your 'womaaan'. No fisticuffs or anything but you have to be prepared to be honest with her. My Mum has always worshipped the ground my Dad walks on and yet, it seems effortless to him, he's just very secure about himself. He's confident, erudite, organised and principled.

Be pragmatic and don't ever show that you have a weak spot.. it's unbecoming!

So basically I should ask her if she has any feelings for him? Being straight up? It does stem from a bit of insecurity..

 

[JazzHands]

So basically I should ask her if she has any feelings for him? Being straight up? It does stem from a bit of insecurity..

Sure, put her on the back foot.. yes, it reveals that you're a little insecure but it's a worthwhile payoff.. she'll know that you're aware of her and you care.... that places the ball firmly in her court!

 

[nb408]

Really glad it helps.

When I was a teenager people sometimes assumed that. I think sometimes it’s an age thing. As we’ve got older no one has thought so.

My Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends, only a few that are close. Is it normal for girls to have a lot of male friends? I feel like it's eery but that might just be because I'm a guy.

 

[JazzHands]

My Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends, only a few that are close. Is it normal for girls to have a lot of male friends? I feel like it's eery but that might just be because I'm a guy.

Some girls just get on better with guys but you should be her alpha male, the one she turns to when she needs moral support... !

 

[anna ~ grace]

My Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends, only a few that are close. Is it normal for girls to have a lot of male friends? I feel like it's eery but that might just be because I'm a guy.

In college, most of my close friends were guys. But I was single then. Now, I'm married. It would not be appropriate for me to have close male friends at this point. My attention needs to be on my husband, and if you are serious about this young lady and this young lady is serious about you, her attention should be on you.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

My Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends, only a few that are close. Is it normal for girls to have a lot of male friends? I feel like it's eery but that might just be because I'm a guy.

I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends because I’ve always had more interests that overlap with guys around me. I’m sure there are some girls that hang out with lots of guys for the wrong reasons but my closest female friends all have more male friends than female friends too.

The gender of a friend isn’t as important as whether there’s anything inappropriate going on in the friendship.

Maybe do some activities as part of a group with both your girlfriend and the friend in question to see more of how they act together, especially around you.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends because I’ve always had more interests that overlap with guys around me. I’m sure there are some girls that hang out with lots of guys for the wrong reasons but my closest female friends all have more male friends than female friends too.

The gender of a friend isn’t as important as whether there’s anything inappropriate going on in the friendship.

Maybe do some activities as part of a group with both your girlfriend and the friend in question to see more of how they act together, especially around you.

I don't know, man. Once a relationship becomes serious, or a person gets married, having close, emotional friendships with the opposite sex can lead to trouble. It just can. I get along better with guys than with women, but don't let myself have guy friends. Just not a great idea.

 

[JazzHands]

I don't know, man. Once a relationship becomes serious, or a person gets married, having close, emotional friendships with the opposite sex can lead to trouble. It just can. I get along better with guys than with women, but don't let myself have guy friends. Just not a great idea.

So true but I think a confident and conscientious man would realise that stifling his spouse's desire for male interaction is a recipe for disaster. A woman should love her husband and their attachment should be unbreachable. If it isn't then one or both need to adapt. I think, nb408, you have to start being the rock... you don;t need to be oppressive but you do need to start laying down the foundations of a stable relationship and that's all about mutual trust and dependence

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

I don't know, man. Once a relationship becomes serious, or a person gets married, having close, emotional friendships with the opposite sex can lead to trouble. It just can. I get along better with guys than with women, but don't let myself have guy friends. Just not a great idea.

I’ve never found it to be a problem, but thinking about it, none of my male friends are ‘new’. They’re people who’ve all been in my life over 10 years so I wouldn’t stop being friends with them.

I can see how it can be an issue for some people, but I don’t think it is by default. I don’t do any activities or share any conversations or anything with my male friends I don’t do with my female friends, so for me I really don’t see a difference. I’d see it as bad if you lean emotionally on a male best friend and not your other half. But I’d kind of see it as bad if was female too because you should be primary leaning on your other half for your emotional needs first (in my opinion)

 

[JazzHands]

I’ve never found it to be a problem, but thinking about it, none of my male friends are ‘new’. They’re people who’ve all been in my life over 10 years so I wouldn’t stop being friends with them.

I can see how it can be an issue for some people, but I don’t think it is by default. I don’t do any activities or share any conversations or anything with my male friends I don’t do with my female friends, so for me I really don’t see a difference. I’d see it as bad if you lean emotionally on a male best friend and not your other half. But I’d kind of see it as bad if was female too because you should be primary leaning on your other half for your emotional needs first (in my opinion)

That's a very sound and stable philosophy Wherelove!

 

[Sapiens]

I have a theory that she has a crush on him and she's not aware of it.. Here's why, firstly they've been friends for years but started hanging out a lot more frequently a little before her and I met. Before her and I started dating, everyone thought they were dating because they got along so well. They have sooo much in common, and they're so alike. Everything she has told me she desires in a person, he has. She tells me from time to time that she would make the cutest asian babies. That mixed babies are so cute. He's the only male asian friend she has. She's even told him to his face that they would make the cutest babies together while I was there.. Obviously it wasn't shocking as they tell each other everything, but it made me uncomfortable. She told me every relationship she had started off with was a friendship first. This is what shocked me.. When she explained this she said, it's when everyone is wondering why you guys aren't dating, then a switch goes off in your head and you think..oh. Maybe this could work?.. Immediately when she said this I thought of him and my heart sank. She seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that she might have a crush on him.. She's constantly annoyed by him, more annoyed than any of her other friends. And when I asked her if she would ever date someone asian, she went into detail about how weird and new it would be for her.. They know everything about eachother so there's already a sense of trust. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about this but she's so loyal and she'd never cheat. I'm also really good friends with the guy. I'm afraid she would get really defensive if I brought this up.. What should I do? Am I over analyzing things?

Hi again!

I read and replied to your latest post before this one. I can understand you are troubled by their friendship! Honestly, to respond to your other post again, it seems from what you say here that the friendship qualities she wishes you to emulate are of that asian friend... Which is troublesome, I find. Like, why isn't she with him, if he's so perfect? But perhaps I'm mistaken, I only say this based on the infos you provided. The best would be for her to explain herself.

I honestly think some things she said are downright hurtful. Those little comments about asian babies are not very considerate of your feelings. Now, all that being said, perhaps she isn't in love with him at all. But I think you're not overanalyzing it either. What you said isn't crazy.

As for advice, the first response was a good one I think. Tell her honestly what you feel. Let her reassure you, or else confirm your doubts... Tell her not in an accusatory manner, but from your own perspective. It isn't a weakness to share your true feelings and thoughts with the woman you're thinking of spending the rest of your life with. She'll be there for you in times of hardships. She needs to know what's going on in your inner life. If anything, confronting her honestly with this is a sign of confidence.

Hope this helps!

 

[nb408]

Hi again!

I read and replied to your latest post before this one. I can understand you are troubled by their friendship! Honestly, to respond to your other post again, it seems from what you say here that the friendship qualities she wishes you to emulate are of that asian friend... Which is troublesome, I find. Like, why isn't she with him, if he's so perfect? But perhaps I'm mistaken, I only say this based on the infos you provided. The best would be for her to explain herself.

I honestly think some things she said are downright hurtful. Those little comments about asian babies are not very considerate of your feelings. Now, all that being said, perhaps she isn't in love with him at all. But I think you're not overanalyzing it either. What you said isn't crazy.

As for advice, the first response was a good one I think. Tell her honestly what you feel. Let her reassure you, or else confirm your doubts... Tell her not in an accusatory manner, but from your own perspective. It isn't a weakness to share your true feelings and thoughts with the woman you're thinking of spending the rest of your life with. She'll be there for you in times of hardships. She needs to know what's going on in your inner life. If anything, confronting her honestly with this is a sign of confidence.

Hope this helps!

I'm going to talk to her about it today. I talked to her asain friend last night and he does have feelings for her but he's not going to act on it.. He hopes we work out and I make her happy. She doesn't know this. I'm no so nervous about what she'll say, how do I ask without it being accusitory?.. I was going to say do you have feelings for him? And do you need time to figure this out?

 

[Lost4words]

Go for it. Better to sort it out now than 12 months down the line when lots of heartache could be involved.

Myself, i prefer dogs. And only the one! Has to be a Corgi too.

 

[Sapiens]

I'm going to talk to her about it today. I talked to her asain friend last night and he does have feelings for her but he's not going to act on it.. He hopes we work out and I make her happy. She doesn't know this. I'm no so nervous about what she'll say, how do I ask without it being accusitory?.. I was going to say do you have feelings for him? And do you need time to figure this out?

I'd say it frankly from my own perspective. Like "hey, I have to ask you this, I've been thinking about it for a while, and it's bothering me, and I want to know your honest opinion on it. Do you have a crush on your asian friend (name him rather)?"

 

[Sapiens]

If she says yes, then you'll have some thinking to do and her as well. Especially that the other guy admitted to have one on her...

Best of luck my friend. Let us know how it went.