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Should I come clean to my husband?

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Patti Pudding, Sep 16, 2020.

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  1. Patti Pudding

    Patti Pudding super cuteness FTW!

    4
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    I always dreamed about having kids and being a mother. To me, being a mom seems like a really rewarding thing in life. Some women don't want kids and prefer to focus on their careers instead. But not me.

    I've been married for 6 years now, and during this whole time my husband didn't want to have children. He has anxiety and stress problems, and he feels like it isn't the right time to have a family. But I'm in my early 30s, and having kids at my age is difficult. And it gets even more difficult the more I age. By 40 having a child naturally would be nearly impossible.

    I became very impatient with my husband. I kept telling him I wanted a family, but he continually said we should wait longer. I was so tired of being put off that I decided to do something that, although it seemed right at first, has been bothering my conscience.

    I clandestinely went to a reproductive clinic and told them I wanted to have children via IVF. I selected a sperm donor who is 6'3" and has blonde hair and blue eyes. I went through the treatments without my husband's knowledge or consent, and now I'm several months pregnant with twins.

    My husband believes the unborn twin babies are his. Although he didn't really want a family, he seems mildly happy about my pregnancy. I'm definitely excited about becoming a mom, but part of me is worried that, after the kids are born, my husband will eventually find out they're not his babies, since they probably won't look like him. What if he divorces me? The prospect of that happening is frightening.

    Part of me wants to keep it a secret. After all, I didn't commit actual adultery on my husband. I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage. If our children don't share his DNA, is there really any harm? Your parents are always the ones who raise you irrespective of genetic lineage. Again, I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage, so did I really do anything wrong? I think not.

    Well I'm really torn over what I should do. Should I come clean and tell him that the twins aren't actually his? Or should I let this little white lie be kept a secret for the good of the family and for the good of my marriage?
     
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  2. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +3,381
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    Everything done in the dark will come to the light. It would be better if you were to turn the light on yourself, before waiting for the timer, the light is on, to run out on it's own...at an unknown time in the future.

    It is not just about the husband....the children will need to know for medical reasons. If the birth father is still alive...they may want to connect etc...
     
  3. Jude1:3Contendforthefaith

    Jude1:3Contendforthefaith Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,495
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private

    Is this a troll thread ?

    He will basically be raising children from another man without his consent.

    You definitely did something wrong and he deserves to know the truth.

    If he divorces you he shouldn't have to pay alimony or child support since he didn't even know what you did and the children are not even really his.


    .
     
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  4. Aspzan

    Aspzan Well-Known Member Supporter

    +790
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    I hope so.
     
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  5. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    So how did you dump all that money on IVF without your husband noticing? It’s thousands of dollars plus preparing with shots. Seems a bit odd.
     
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  6. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    Yeah this story don’t fly. There are many procedures involved. Extraction of eggs, etc I’ve known women who have gone through it.
     
  7. Sparagmos

    Sparagmos Well-Known Member

    +4,160
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I truly hope this is not real. Yes, you should come clean. And you should also educate yourself, it is not “nearly impossible “ to have children over 40, nor is it usually “difficult” in your 30’s.
     
  8. Pavel Mosko

    Pavel Mosko Arch-Dude of the Apostolic Angels Team Supporter

    +1,933
    United States
    Oriental Orthodox
    Single

    If I were you I would do some damage control. You have setup a situation where some men might divorce you. Luckily enough women 85% of the time are the ones to file for that, but with your husbands insecurity etc. he is likely to be furious, and worse if things come out and you say nothing to him.


    The rest of your situation is a mix between understandable and something less than sympathetic. Essentially wanting kids is normal and understandable, but if your husband is the sole or main bread winner of the family, what you did was not cool to put it mildly (e.g. like taking him for granted) ; because , we don't always get what we want in life. And there comes other issues like what if he ends up being a bad father etc. besides all the deception and manipulation end of things.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2020
  9. Contrite Spirit

    Contrite Spirit Kathy P Supporter

    13
    +32
    United States
    Reformed
    Married
    This cannot be real. You appear to have just joined a Christian thread, yet you don't even mention if you or your husband is a person of faith.

    If you have any sort of ethics or moral code, you would realize that what you did (if you actually did it) was betrayal on a staggering level.

    He has every right to divorce you and never look back--if this isn't some made-up horror story.

    ETA: If you aren't asking this in good faith, SHAME ON YOU. Well, shame on you anyway.
     
  10. Xenophon

    Xenophon Active Member

    426
    +398
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    You are mothering children of another man. This is adultery. Come clean to your husband.

    Also, I don't see why you couldn't get him to father the children, usually when the wife wants children and the husband doesn't she stops contraceptives (which she shouldn't be on to begin with) and pushes for intimacy at the right times of her cycle. But he's not a man if he isn't for having children to begin with.
     
  11. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    I’m sorry but this is so unfeasible I do not see how anyone could believe this. This is not something a married woman could just sneak around and do for a myriad of reasons.
     
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  12. Brightmoon

    Brightmoon Apes and humans are all in family Hominidae.

    +4,327
    United States
    Episcopalian
    Single
    US-Others
    IIRC and IANAL , the law would consider them to be his anyway because you’re married . I wouldn’t tell him . It’s only going to potentially become a serious problem if the child has a genetic disease that neither of you share.
    To be honest, why would you do that to your marriage and your spouse? You screwed up . Don’t make it a worse problem
     
  13. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +7,538
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    would think he'd know soon when he discovers $15,000 or more missing from bank?
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2020
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  14. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,431
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Credit cards can do wonders. So, in case what you say is true >

    First, he's your husband. If you do what I say, then in a way he will be relating with me instead of with you :)

    So . . . have you been blessed to trust in Jesus for salvation? Then with Christ you can be creative. And how about your husband?

    Twins. Yeah, I guess you can get multiple children from an artificial approach.

    It seems the main features you have mentioned about the donor are his outward characteristics. In case this means you evaluate men mainly by what they look like, I would say you need to deal with this tendency. We need to go deeper if we are going to learn with Jesus how to love.

    And in case you do not trust your husband . . . whom you chose to marry and with whom you now have lived for six years, if I remember correctly . . . my opinion is a person needs to marry someone whom he or she trusts. But it appears some number of people have actually married ones they did not trust. I am not sure what is the best practical way to deal with this.

    Do you trust Jesus? Jesus can correct you however you really need, for your own good, plus then He is able to guide you and deal with your husband. And if you really do have two babies in the way . . . give them to Him and enjoy how He takes care of things.
     
  15. Pavel Mosko

    Pavel Mosko Arch-Dude of the Apostolic Angels Team Supporter

    +1,933
    United States
    Oriental Orthodox
    Single
    lol it is a humdinger of a 1st post thread, the person did not bother to even a post a hello thread....

    But they did do some work, on the account. They have a cute avatar picture and name, denominational preference, political affiliation and a slogan title to boot.
     
  16. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    That happens a lot. :|
     
  17. Pavel Mosko

    Pavel Mosko Arch-Dude of the Apostolic Angels Team Supporter

    +1,933
    United States
    Oriental Orthodox
    Single
    I've been on this board going on two years, only noticed it a few times.
     
  18. chevyontheriver

    chevyontheriver Well-Known Member Supporter

    +8,767
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    US-American-Solidarity
    You did wrong and will likely be found out eventually. So figure out how to be honest about it. Don't be surprised if what you did will not go over well.
     
  19. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    Lol ain’t that the truth! Plus the procedures, the shots, etc.
     
  20. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

    +33,741
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    I’ve been here awhile and noticed it a lot.
     
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