Should he tell her about his illegitimate child?

[Christine]

My cousin (and dear friend), "Bob", is married and has been involved with another woman for over two years now. Recently he and this woman had a child together. Bob is a relatively "new" Christian, struggling with his Christianity, and is deeply disturbed over his dilemma... Although he has promised to support his child financially, he is still trying to keep the affair secret from his wife. He has told me he wants to do the "right" thing and tell his wife about the child, but he "doesn't want to hurt her"... She has been battling depression for several years, and is currently in counseling.

Bob says that he will never ask for a divorce and is afraid that if he tells his wife, she will leave him. They discussed divorce in the past (due to a previous infidelity) but he is comitted to following the Bible and believes that divorce is wrong. They are both in their late fifties, and he says that it's not so easy to "start over". He is also afraid that if she leaves him, she will not be able to provide for herself.

:o Recently Bob came to me in tears asking for advice. He also asked me to pray for him to find the right answer...

I think Bob is fearful because he does not want to end up "alone". He does not want to be held responsible for his actions, and does not have enough faith in God to confess his sins and face the consequences. He also doesn't have faith that his wife will have the strength to survive his infidelity. Is this fair to her? By keeping this secret, he's not giving her the choice to decide whether to leave him--or to forgive him. Although he insists that he is trying to live by the Bible and change his ways, I think Bob is being a hypocrite and is putting his salvation in danger. I have told him he needs to seek a Christian counselor for advice, and that he needs to pray about the matter.

I told Bob I would ask for advice in this forum.

Please pray for him as well.

 

[LovingMother]

First of all, I am praying for the Lord's guidance for "Bob" and for strength for both himself and his wife.

I have to say that I believe that honesty is extremely important to a healthy happy marriage. So, I think he was dishonest to do this in the first place and he furthers his dishonesty by not telling her. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt her, but it is too late for that, the deed has been done. I have to agree with you, that she has the right to make the decision. By the way, if divorce results from cheating, then the divorce is Biblically allowable. As far as I know, this is the only case that the Bible allows for divorce. My point is, he can't say that getting a divorce because of adultery is against the Bible, because it isn't.

Of course it's not easy to start over, but we are responsible for our choices and often have to face consequences for them. If he said he "wants to do the right thing and tell her" then he knows what the right thing to do is and should do it and be prepared to face the consequences of his actions. I agree that he should see a Christian counselor or pastor if he is in doubt. Above all, he has to confess his sins to the Lord and pray. The Bible does tell us to confess our sins to God.

 

[Crazy Liz]

If he doesn't tell her about the child, he will be adding dishonesty about their finances to his infidelity and dishonesty abot the affair.

I don't know wht their relationship is like, but I think I would notice if suddenly several hundred dollars a month was disappearing from the family budget, even if I weren't the one who kept the checkbook. Also, he needs to pay his child support by check so he can prove he paid it. Otherwise the state could come after him later (especially if mom goes on welfare) and make him pay for the same months again.

What would happen if he gets served with a paternity suit? It would be even more devastating and scary to his wife to find out that way.

Does he know for sure the child is his? If thre is t be genetic testing to find out for sure, that's another thing htat makes it harder to keep secret.

Finally, is he going to be a dad to his child? How will it be to help raise a child who can never come to his hous, know where he lives, who his grandparents and other extended family members are, etc. If he plans to co-parent, his wife will have to know. If he doesn't, isn't that abandoning his own child in every way except financial?

He's just going to get in more trouble if he sneaks off to see his child. There are married men who have substantial visitation with their children from other relationships, but unless the wife knows exactly what's going on, this can encourage the wrong kinds of relationships with the mom.

This just isn't the kind of thing that really can be kept secret from a wife in any practical way.

 

[LovingMother]

Good points, Liz

 

[secretdawn]

My cousin (and dear friend), "Bob", is married and has been involved with another woman for over two years now. Recently he and this woman had a child together. Bob is a relatively "new" Christian, struggling with his Christianity, and is deeply disturbed over his dilemma... Although he has promised to support his child financially, he is still trying to keep the affair secret from his wife. He has told me he wants to do the "right" thing and tell his wife about the child, but he "doesn't want to hurt her"... She has been battling depression for several years, and is currently in counseling.

Bob says that he will never ask for a divorce and is afraid that if he tells his wife, she will leave him. They discussed divorce in the past (due to a previous infidelity) but he is comitted to following the Bible and believes that divorce is wrong. They are both in their late fifties, and he says that it's not so easy to "start over". He is also afraid that if she leaves him, she will not be able to provide for herself.

:o Recently Bob came to me in tears asking for advice. He also asked me to pray for him to find the right answer...

I think Bob is fearful because he does not want to end up "alone". He does not want to be held responsible for his actions, and does not have enough faith in God to confess his sins and face the consequences. He also doesn't have faith that his wife will have the strength to survive his infidelity. Is this fair to her? By keeping this secret, he's not giving her the choice to decide whether to leave him--or to forgive him. Although he insists that he is trying to live by the Bible and change his ways, I think Bob is being a hypocrite and is putting his salvation in danger. I have told him he needs to seek a Christian counselor for advice, and that he needs to pray about the matter.

I told Bob I would ask for advice in this forum.

Please pray for him as well.

YES! Not only should he tell, but he should be a part of the child's life! My fiancee's father was married and had 2 children with my fiancee's mother, him and his sister...He stayed away most their lives and it has been horrible on them. Children need their parents, and it is his responsible to be a father to the child, even if the parents aren't going to be together. Teach the child, though what they did was wrong, something good came out of it...the child. Tell that child he is a precious gift from God, perhaps to help lead the parents down the right path. Abandoning and lying about this is just adding to the sin. Taking responsibility both financially and physically/emotionally will leave the man with much less guilt and torment because he will be owning up to his responsibilities and accepting that he sinned and trying to make right by it, instead of hiding it. And that child will be better off knowing, though his parents made mistakes, they are loving and accept responsibility for their actions.
If his wife leaves him, then that is sad, but he needs to accept it and move on. His feelings stopped mattering when that child was born. It is now the well-being of that child that needs to be his main concern, and the only thing that would be good for the child is to have a good father in his life.

 

[goodgirl]

there are good points made here... However, I don't agree that he is "putting his salvation in danger" if he doesn't tell her. I don't see how one can do that.

I think he should tell her what he has told you... that he is distressed about it, doesn't want her to leave, worries about her mental health about it, doesn't want to hurt her more by telling her but that he is trying to do the right thing. I don't know if she'll stay or not, but that would be the right thing to do.

 

[desi]

I agree with the first post. Bob needs to be honest with himself and change his ways if he is Christian, or pitch his Bible and follow his sins if he's not.

 

[Yitzchak]

:o Recently Bob came to me in tears asking for advice. He also asked me to pray for him to find the right answer...

I have told him he needs to seek a Christian counselor for advice, and that he needs to pray about the matter.

I told Bob I would ask for advice in this forum.

Please pray for him as well.

I will give you my opinion. If I were in your position, I would tell Bob to get competent christian counseling immeadiately. I would then refuse to talk further with him about it until he does so. I would also let him know that I am unwilling to keep his secrets for him and unless he is taking responsible actions like accountablity in counseling to walk throught he process. Then anything he shares with me in the future I would feel free to share with his wife.
Bottomline , it is inapproriate for you to be an accomplice in this. Pass the responsibility to a professional.

 

[Carico]

I agree that Bob should seek Christian counseling right away and in addition, and more imortantly, seek the Lord's counsel. He will only be ready to tell his wife when either, she finds out on her own, or he has readied himself with the Lord first. I agree that Christine should not be a party to his actions unless he is in counseling. But I do not think she should tell his wife if he refuses to heed her advice. She should simply bow out of the situation and let God do His work in Bob's life.