Should feel ashamed, instead I feel nothing.

[ElaborateNames]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums, and just signed up a minute ago. I'm not what you would call Christian I guess, so I hope that's not a problem? I find myself wanting to believe in something, but it's hard sometimes. Not to mention outside factors influencing how I think and feel. It makes it so it's hard to pretty much believe in anything, even things that are tangible.

I'm posting here because I've been stripping for the last six or seven years, and it's just... It just is I guess. Like my title says, I want to feel ashamed of myself, but I just don't feel anything anymore. Instead I just feel for lack of a better word, grey. I feel like life is just going through the motions, and every day is exactly the same. It's numbing and robotic. At work it seems every lap dance has the same moves, the same conversation, the same outcome. At home it seems like I sit around and don't accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I'd like to leave stripping, but I'm uncomfortably, very comfortable doing it... I don't know what else I would do. I don't see myself being good at to much when it comes to dealing with other people, I'm introverted, angry, and unmotivated. I couldn't pass a drug test, and I don't even know where I would begin to start looking. I don't think anyone would want to deal with me anyway. I just wish I had something I could kind of cling onto, which would make me want to be a different person.

I'm just... Frustrating. To myself, to anyone who cares. I don't want to be myself, and I wish I could just start my life over again. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have such luck. It's just like these are supposed to be the "Best years" of life, but I pretty much hate mine. I just feel stuck in something I can't get myself out of. While the people I went to school with are settling down and being happy, I'm just feeling apathetic, lonely, and sick..

Hmm, but that's just the way things are I guess. I'd love to hear back from people.

I'm Jess BTW

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jess

I'm Hope. Really glad you've come here and hope we get to know you better.

I'm sorry for the 'greyness' you feel. It's totally ok that you're here whether you are Christian or not and I hope you're comfortable enough here to hang around and chat with us.

I believe God is real and he loves you and wants you to have a life that is full of so much more joy and hope than you are experiencing right now.

I'll be praying for you Jess, if that's ok?

Hope we get to chat more.

Bless you heaps

Hope

 

[ElaborateNames]

Hi Hope,

Glad you posted I hope we get to know each other as well.

Thanks. The "Grey" seems like I'm stuck in some sort of void, where everything just stays exactly the same. Sometimes things can be really bad, but most the time things just stay at a flat line. It's made it so even when bad things happen to me, I just react like it's very... "Whatever". A couple days ago I had a really gross, touchy guy all over me. A few years ago I never would have put up with it, but now I just go some place else.

I'm pretty comfortable around Christianity, I grew up around it. Most of my family is Catholic, my last good boyfriend was Christian, so I certainly respect Christianity to say the least. I remember him talking to me about god, and what god wants for me, from me, stuff like that. It made me feel safe I think. It was nice. I guess I'd just like to start feeling human again and thought maybe returning back to those feelings would be a good idea.

Thanks for praying for me It's more then okay! And thanks for taking the time to do that for me, it's more then someone has done for me in awhile

Hope we get to chat more as well.

Best Wishes,

Jess

 

[Elliemare]

Hi Hope,
I'm glad you found this board and I hope you feel welcome here.

I am all too familiar with that "grey" feeling. I used to just go through the motions thinking life was just about surviving, making ends meet, paying the bills. Go to work, eat, sleep and oh yeah, if I had anything to really "live" for, it was partying and doing drugs. That was it, my life really had no real "meaning".

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who feel that way, and think its normal, that this is all that there is to life. Just simply existing rather than truly living. I still know a lot of people in my personal circle of friends and family.

I know you're not a Christian. I am not a "religious" Christian by any means. I was raised in a stuffy legalistic church and ended up pushing God away when I was a teenager/young adult because I didn't truly understand the character of God.

Now that I'm born again and have a real understanding of what it means to have a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit rather than legalistic rules of religion. My life is totally different! I finally have real purpose and find life very fulfilling.

I pray that everyone find their true identity in Christ and follow God's path for their lives. Not only will that individual find purpose, but they will be used to expand God's kingdom, touch other people's lives, and find safety, security and prosperity when they rest in His arms and give themselves to Him and accept His grace.

All I can say is that God can transform you, your life, and your situation if you trust in Him. It takes a lot of faith and it can be scary, but He will take care of all of your needs if you let Him. That first step is the hardest, I know.

I'll be praying for you. I hope you find your path. God knows what it is, He has plans for you. God bless.

Peace and Love,
Ellie

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jess,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back but although I haven't been on here I have been thinking about you. I've been starting work early and finishing late which has made it a bit tricky getting online.

How are you today? I'm really sorry you have men groping you. You truly deserve so much more. No matter how you feel right now you are a treasure and very precious to God and to us here.

I have 3 beautiful daughters (not that I am biased at all ) and you deserve the same kind of love and joy that they do.

If you could dream what you want, what would you hope for? What would you like to do with your life? You deserve to dream and dreaming is one step in making things happen.

For today though I pray that you will know that you are loved, that you are precious and valuable and that you will know that you deserve so much more than what you have now.

I'm praying for you today Jess and sending a gentle warm hug your way

Blessings

Hope

 

[New Creation]

Hi there Jess and welcome to SOSI. This is a safe place and we are glad to meet you. I'm Paula and I was a stripper for about 15 years so honey, I totally get what you are saying.
I remember that feeling very well. I also remember letting guys get away with more over the years and caring less. I also carried an ocean of anger.
I was never sure what I was going to do to get out either because I felt i had no skills and because I started right when i was 18, i'd never had a 'normal' job. I didn't even have any 'normal' friends. My family were not helpful either.
What I always recommend to someone contemplating getting out of the business is to think about your interests, no matter how vague that might be. I also recommend volunteering at ANYTHING (and keeping your story to yourself until the time feels right) just so you can expand your circle of people and your skill set. It can be done Jess. It just takes time. A lot of girls have gotten out.
I"ve been out for 10 years now and my life is a freakin' miracle, I have to tell you. 10 years of hard work, honesty and faith in God even in the tough times when I wasn't sure if He was even real or not, have given me an entirely new life.
There is a group out there called Treasures and they help women who want to get out of the business. http://iamatreasure.com/
Also, I think there are groups in Jersey too- check out the sticky thread because there is HELP for women who have been there honey. Don't give up hope. YOu are loved.
What is your relationship with your family like? I am Catholic too btw (convert )

 

[ElaborateNames]

Hi everyone

Sorry I don't have enough time to reply like I should. Just know I really appreciate the time you've taken to correspond with me.

I'm sorry some of you know that awful, numbing grey feeling as well. I've struggled with it for most of my life, but I think it's gotten worse as I've gotten older, partially through substances, mental health, relationships, my job, and then just I think the aging process in general. I think it gets worse the more unsatisfied you are in life, and I'm probably as unsatisfied as it gets. I really feel like a robot more often then not, just point me in a direction and I'll go there, even if I have reservations, because breaking free of things takes to much effort. I just feel unmotivated, lazy, and depressed.

This, my relations with people, and work just being awful has me on a bit of a binge the last week. I don't think I can get up anymore without taking a handful of Oxy's, I certainly can't get ready for work, much less get onstage without them. They don't even make me feel better, I just care less when I'm high, and it's easier to be me if I don't care. I just always have to deal with people trying to use me, trying to sleep with me, or just plain bring me down, and I'm so tired of it. There was a drunk guy who practically assaulted me last night, it just seems like that kind of things is happening to me every night.

Anyway enough of my depressing life...

Hope,

Don't worry! I've had trouble getting on to, so it's no biggie.

I've been better, but I'm surviving. Thanks, I think somewhere deep down I think I'm worthwhile, that's what makes this really hard. It's harder to throw yourself away when you hear a voice in the back of your head telling you to stop. Thank you, I hope someone thinks of me as precious and a treasure.

3 girls! Wow have your hands full? Thanks again though, means a lot

I don't know... Hard for me to dream. I'd like to be comfortable in my own skin, have enough money to not have to strip, maybe do something with graphic design? I use to have a lot of dreams/plans, and I didn't plan on stripping forever, somehow it just ended up like that.

Thanks for thinking of me, all the kind words, and uplifting me a little, hug right back.

Thanks for the warm welcome Paula

Ya I think over time you just have to care less. I'm not angry on the surface, it's hard to get me there, but once I'm angry it's bad. I'm cool, easy going, but little things can make me put a hole in the wall, and then I'll have some idiot grabbing me and I do nothing... I don't get it either.

Seems like your situation is similar to mine, I don't really have any friends that don't strip anymore, I don't have any skills that someone my age should have, and I don't think I've really done any of the things I was meant to do. My family isn't helpful either, there very judgemental those that I still talk to. Hmm I have volunteered in the past, nothing to recent, but I have enjoyed it when I did. I did some basic work at a soup kitchen around my house when it was the holidays, pretty much just to get out of the house.

Congrats on being out 10 years! How exciting! That must seem like a dream come true. I know I'd be thrilled. At first it seems alright, and then you can't even stand to be in your own skin. That's great you're out and happy!

Thanks for the link I'll have to check them out. I didn't really know there was stuff out like that.

Like I said about my family, they tend to make things worse for me. I usually end up leaving family functions feelings even more worthless and headed into the nearest perscription bottle. My cousin is getting married I guess and I didn't even get invited to the bridal shower and my sister is a bridesmaid. It doesn't really upset me, they just use it to hurt me that I'm not included. I've isolated myself the last few years.

Nice! I was raised Catholic for 14 years

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jess,

I'm really glad you popped in again. I love your dreams! Getting comfortable in your own skin takes a while for most people but I truly believe with God it's possible. And you are definitely a precious treasure to God and to me. He loves you sooooo much just the way you are AND he loves you too much to leave you that way. He wants the best for you. I hope that you get to know him better.
Graphic design hey? that sounds great. Have you looked into any courses that might get you started on that track? Maybe if you linked in with Treasures that Paula mentioned they could help you get started.

Sorry things aren't good with your family. That must be really tough too.

I am praying that God will give you hope. That you will begin to see more for yourself than you have right now. That you will see hope for your future. Don't focus on what you have or haven't done up to now. Just look to what you can do now and in the future. I was almost 40 before I started my degree but I'm so glad now that I did.

It's never too late to work towards your dreams. Small step by small step.

More hugs coming your way

Bless you heaps
Hope

 

[New Creation]

Good to hear from you again Jess. It sounds like we have a lot in common. I really struggled with my family too especially when I was dancing. We still have our issues but being 3000 miles away from them helps a lot. lol I've kind of made my own family of friends over the past 10 years.

I also felt like I had to use to get through the day. I mostly used alcohol and pot though. I had to be high to go on stage or talk to the men. I couldn't do it otherwise as I was just seething with hate or indifference.
It's so hard, isn't it? I have/had the same anger issues too- working on those still. I think that's a life long journey.

How was your relationship with your family growing up? How many kids in your family? How did you start dancing and when? (sorry if I"m asking too many questions- i just like to get to know people and get right down to the nitty gritty. lol)

That's really cool that you've done some volunteering in the past. I'm sure you remember how good it feels to help someone else. That's one of the huge problems with the industry- it's just so horrifically selfish- no one seems to care about anyone else. Everyone seems to sink or swim on their own.

But yeah, there are groups out there now to help women get out of the industry. Most of the groups have been started by ex-strippers because only we know the particular challenges there are, how hard it can be and how it feels to do it.
There wasn't much out there when I quit but I was lucky to have someone help me through it all.
I think that getting out of the industry can be done alone but I think it's best to have help, to have encouragement and accountability. It's really important to have someone to trust as well.
Yes, please do look into Treasures. They are the real deal. They actually go into clubs some nights with these beautiful gift bags full of sweet goodies to give to the girls just so they can have something beautiful for no reason other than that they are loved for who they are.
I know they have programs for moving on and out and all sorts of resources and networks.

I don't want you to feel hopeless anymore Jess because you don't need to. There is hope. I promise.

 

[ElaborateNames]

Hey Hope!

Sorry it's been so long since I posted last, I ended up getting a much nicer place in the country in the southern part of my state. I love looking out my window and seeing trees! I was in a pretty rural area before, but this is much better Still a lot for me to do though, I'll get to it eventually I suppose.

Ya I've always felt a bit awkward, certainly a bit different then everyone else. I don't really know why, but I've always had trouble being myself. Hopefully one day I can feel more comfortable. Thanks for saying all those nice things BTW Certainly appreciated! Like I said I've never been the most religious person, but there is a certain comfort in feeling loved.

Ya either graphic design, or maybe being an esthetician? I'm pretty creative, love art, love to create it, so I could probably be a decent graphic designer. My last real job was selling makeup at the mall, and I've always been good at doing it, so I think I would at least have a good base to be an esthetician. Those are the two things I can think of doing right off the bat. I've looked into some classes in the past, but never was ready to commit.

Eh, don't think I'm missing to much with my family. It would make it easier if they were there for me, but not everyone has a good family. I don't think everyone in my family is bad, or are bad people, there either just old fashioned, or judgemental.

I think you're right, it's easy to get wrapped up in your earlier failings, I know I do. I get anxious when trying something new, really anxious... I think that's why I'm still stripping, because it's "Safe". I'm sure that had to take a lot of courage to start school at 40!

Thanks for the hugs

Jess

Great to hear from you Paula!

I bet being 3000 miles away helps! I know it would for me lol! Most of my family is in upstate NY, not far enough lol! They still expect me to come back for the holidays... Ya, it's hard though with me dancing, and them viewing things the way they do. My cousins can go out and party all the time, be all around crummy people, yet it's easier to make me the "Bad" one.

I mostly keep it to prescription drugs, I'll smoke if it's around, I drink a little, but usually don't get hammered. Ya I'm the same, if I don't use I just could care less if I'm there or not. I get really angry when I drink, I just have this hatred that kind of comes out of me whenever I get really drunk, usually a bad mix when I'm working. Ya, anger certainly is a life long journey! It's scary the places it will take you.

It's myself, then an older sister, younger brother. I was pretty close with one of my aunts and my grandparents when I was younger. My mom is strict, she worker a lot, my parents split up when we were pretty young, I was 6 I think. My dad is a pretty decent guy, but he has anger issues, his childhood was pretty bad. We lived with my mom mostly, which was tough because her and I never really got along to well. Then since she worked a lot she wouldn't really be able to hold a steady relationship, and one of her boyfriends abused. I don't blame my mom for that, she was doing the best she could, it's just hard to get over.

I got into dancing when I was 18, almost 19, I was making pretty good money doing the makeup thing, but I wanted to move out, and I thought I could strip for some extra money. It wasn't supposed to be for more then a few months, but then it's turned into a really long time... I basically when in on a friday to see if I could get a job, then started that night. Don't worry about asking to many questions!

Ya I did enjoy volunteering, it feels really good, especially around the holidays. I agree 100%! The industry is full of self centered people, who will suck you dry if you let them. It's hard to center yourself and get away from things when you're dealing with the lowest forms of life on a daily basis.

Thanks for being so nice Paula! I appreciate it.

Well gotta run! I'm gonna check out Treasures website now to.

TTYL,

Jess

 

[ElaborateNames]

I guess this is customer from hell week.... I can't even think of another week I've been touched all over, grabbed, and just all around violated I guess you could say. So indifferent though, I'm starting to feel there is no point to trying.

 

[Paul01]

I heard a lot of the same things from my ex wife who was also a stripper before we married. Do everything you can to get out of that business as soon as humanly possible. My wife was always drawn back in due to the allure of "easy" money, cash in hand every day, working basically whenever she wanted. But the drawbacks and the changes I saw in her...she literally seemed like a different person before vs. after work. It drained the good out of her day after day. She got so overexposed to all the sin around her, I think that's what made her numb to it over time. She developed a level of apathy that no one should have for the garbage that went on to/around her. But it was like she became addicted to the job.

Please get out of that industry.

 

[Johnnz]

Routines of any sort can get rather boring. Stripping as work is one thing. But in an occupation that is devoid of relationship where being some kind of sexual object strips your sexuality out of context cannot be deeply satisfying.

Many people have boring jobs and lifestyles. Yours is no different in that respect. But is life meant to be like that? Christians have a far more satisfying vision of life and sexuality than they do.

You are a person, never a mere body. And people matter, especially to God.

John
NZ

 

[ElaborateNames]

Hey Guys,

Sorry you had a lot of the same experiences with your ex Paul, I can only imagine how it is for people who care. I think perhaps it's similar to me, I think the money helps, mix that with no confidence, little skills, and a lot of fear and that's why I've been stuck for so long.The best way I can explain it, is that I feel so totally isolated, like there is another world I'm living in or something. I don't really even truly feel human anymore, and it's just hard to relate to "Normal" people anymore. I'd like to, I'd love something normal, something I could cling onto, but it's like I just am paralyzed for whatever reason. I think low self esteem, fear, and stuff like that has a lot to do with it.

I hope I can one day, I really do. I know I have a lot to work on though, if I ever do. I just don't know how I let myself get like this for so long.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time.

You're right John, I know if I'm even given a routine for to long, eventually I'm going to become bored. I think this is probably some extreme version of that, and it's beyond hard sometimes. Like you said, my sexuality outside of my job is gone. I don't have relationships with men, or people really outside of work, I don't like attention, I know it's because my life.

I could deal with boring : ) I know life is meant to be more then what it is for me now though. It's hard for me to imagine life outside of this, it's like a thought in a fever, or a daydream or something.

Thanks, it's nice to hear I'm person sometimes, when you get told you're anything but sometimes.

Jess

 

[Paul01]

Just curious why security lets the customers grope you? My ex always had a "house mom" that would sort of work as an advocate for the girls. You have no one like that I guess?

 

[ElaborateNames]

Well it normally happens in lap dances, so their isn't usually security nearby. The way my club operates is that if you're spending a lot of money, all they want to do is warn you. So unless their being really crazy, normally nothing happens but a talking to. We have a house mom, but she's more for preventing catfights lol.

Ugh still down... I'm manic depressive, so I'm kind of use to highs and lows, but it's not usually this low, this long. It's hard to go to work these days.... Hard to do much of anything..

 

[New Creation]

Hey Jess, sorry I haven't been around for a while. I've been thinking about you too- should have come back sooner.
@ Paul, clubs don't protect women. They exploit them, take advantage of them and degrade them. And so do the men who frequent the clubs. Women who come out of the sex industry often have to deal with PTSD on the level that men in combat do.

Jess, I briefly contacted someone in the state that you live in who works for a ministry under Treasures and she would love to talk to you.

The industry really feeds off of women's feelings of insecurity and our lack of skills and confidence. The fact that you are becoming less bothered by being groped, something that once bothered you more shows that you are becoming more desensitized.
It also shows something else though. The more we do something, the more automatic it becomes. We can do this with positive things as well as negative.
I truly understand where you are coming from Jess and the paralyzing feeling you have. I never knew what the hell I was going to do from one minute to the next. It's scary and it's lonely.
Please give Treasures a call - I am CERTAIN they can help you out with a game plan.
You can't stay in forever, let's get you out, the sooner the better and get you started on a new path. It will take time Jess. It's 10 years later for me and I'm still dealing with stuff but my life is unrecognizable from what it was. I didn't have anything like Treasures to help either. Please take advantage of their existence. They exist to give women like us a hand. It is their joy and privilege. I will PM you with the name of that lady I contacted.
Take care of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Wingdizzle]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums, and just signed up a minute ago. I'm not what you would call Christian I guess, so I hope that's not a problem? I find myself wanting to believe in something, but it's hard sometimes. Not to mention outside factors influencing how I think and feel. It makes it so it's hard to pretty much believe in anything, even things that are tangible.

I'm posting here because I've been stripping for the last six or seven years, and it's just... It just is I guess. Like my title says, I want to feel ashamed of myself, but I just don't feel anything anymore. Instead I just feel for lack of a better word, grey. I feel like life is just going through the motions, and every day is exactly the same. It's numbing and robotic. At work it seems every lap dance has the same moves, the same conversation, the same outcome. At home it seems like I sit around and don't accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I'd like to leave stripping, but I'm uncomfortably, very comfortable doing it... I don't know what else I would do. I don't see myself being good at to much when it comes to dealing with other people, I'm introverted, angry, and unmotivated. I couldn't pass a drug test, and I don't even know where I would begin to start looking. I don't think anyone would want to deal with me anyway. I just wish I had something I could kind of cling onto, which would make me want to be a different person.

I'm just... Frustrating. To myself, to anyone who cares. I don't want to be myself, and I wish I could just start my life over again. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have such luck. It's just like these are supposed to be the "Best years" of life, but I pretty much hate mine. I just feel stuck in something I can't get myself out of. While the people I went to school with are settling down and being happy, I'm just feeling apathetic, lonely, and sick..

Hmm, but that's just the way things are I guess. I'd love to hear back from people.

I'm Jess BTW

The holy spirit would help such a conditions. Im not promising you that if you pick up a bible and sing a few hymes everything will be ok. Im talking about an active engagement in your life. Stopping the stripping and realizing it goes against Gods law.

Give it up, along with the drugs depending on what they are or if you truly NEED them. Turn your life over to Jesus and repent. Give it a few months and see if its working for you! I promise you would be let down.

As for the career if you are honestly going to change and have the intent in your heart, with Christ in mind....God will help. I once relocated with 2 hundred dollars in my pocket and nothing but a tent. It was allot of work, but God provided me with the opportunities I needed to move.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums, and just signed up a minute ago. I'm not what you would call Christian I guess, so I hope that's not a problem? I find myself wanting to believe in something, but it's hard sometimes. Not to mention outside factors influencing how I think and feel. It makes it so it's hard to pretty much believe in anything, even things that are tangible.

I'm posting here because I've been stripping for the last six or seven years, and it's just... It just is I guess. Like my title says, I want to feel ashamed of myself, but I just don't feel anything anymore. Instead I just feel for lack of a better word, grey. I feel like life is just going through the motions, and every day is exactly the same. It's numbing and robotic. At work it seems every lap dance has the same moves, the same conversation, the same outcome. At home it seems like I sit around and don't accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I'd like to leave stripping, but I'm uncomfortably, very comfortable doing it... I don't know what else I would do. I don't see myself being good at to much when it comes to dealing with other people, I'm introverted, angry, and unmotivated. I couldn't pass a drug test, and I don't even know where I would begin to start looking. I don't think anyone would want to deal with me anyway. I just wish I had something I could kind of cling onto, which would make me want to be a different person.

I'm just... Frustrating. To myself, to anyone who cares. I don't want to be myself, and I wish I could just start my life over again. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have such luck. It's just like these are supposed to be the "Best years" of life, but I pretty much hate mine. I just feel stuck in something I can't get myself out of. While the people I went to school with are settling down and being happy, I'm just feeling apathetic, lonely, and sick..

Hmm, but that's just the way things are I guess. I'd love to hear back from people.

I'm Jess BTW

Hi,

I'm one of the forum chaplains and want to thank you for your candor. You sound depressed to me and I advise you to seek help from a mental health provider. Licensed practical counselors are good as well as licensed clinical social worker. God didn't give us life to be numb or feel bad. Jesus Christ wants us to have life in abundance. It's hard to see or feel that when we are feeling bad or nothing at all. Be sure to ask if the counselor/therapist is a Christian. It's better to be on the same spiritual plane as our counselor. If you cannot afford a counselor some have sliding scales and will take diminished fees if our income is low or we don't have insurance. God bless you and all the best.

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jess,

I haven't been around but I haven't forgotten you How are you feeling this week? Have you sought any professional help for your low feelings as suggested by sacerdote.

Have you had any more thoughts about doing some studies in graphic design etc?

Thinking about you and praying for you