Sexual History

[seekingsomething]

Before I was a Christian I was involved with an older man for two and a half years. We waited 6 months and decided we were ready to take it further. I am now in a marriage minded relationship as a christian. The guy im with has never been with anyone. I am just wonderin if anyone else has been through this and has any opinions. I mean its not held against me, God has forgiven me, so its not an issue. Things im wondering about:

How many questions are too many questions? Is it unhealthy for my current guy to want to know EVERYTHING about my ex?

I have been praying about keeping holy thoughts but sometimes slip up there, anyone else had this experience?

Is it harsh to him that i didnt wait?

This isnt an issue really as we love each other and are really honest i would just like to know if everything is normal!!!

 

[Teal]

Before
How many questions are too many questions?

There is no such thing as too many questions

Is it unhealthy for my current guy to want to know EVERYTHING about my ex?

Nope thats just normal reasure him that you love him

I have been praying about keeping holy thoughts but sometimes slip up there, anyone else had this experience?

Your human, you are not perfect Stop trying to be.

Is it harsh to him that i didnt wait?

Only if you planned this all out in advance just to hurt him.

i would just like to know if everything is normal!!!

It is.

 

[Warrior Poet]

How many questions are too many questions? Is it unhealthy for my current guy to want to know EVERYTHING about my ex?

I dont think there is such things as too many question just how many does he want to ask. I don't think its unhealthy, I don't think he REALLY wants to know, there is just something that makes us (guys) want to know, in all reality as I see it be honest if he asks he has to be prepared for the answer, thats it. If he cant hang and handle it he still has some maturing and understanding to come to.

I have been praying about keeping holy thoughts but sometimes slip up there, anyone else had this experience?

Ummm...... yeah

Is it harsh to him that i didnt wait?

There is only one answer to that... his answer. If he thinks it was harsh you didn't wait then he has a few things he needs to deal with before you start moving forward. Its isn't harsh so much as a respect thing in a guys mind, IMO there is one of two ways to see it, you didn't respect yourself enough to hold out and which is hurtful to some guys cause they cant grasp why you would give it up like that and not WANT to wait. I realize its not that you didn't want to wait, for some reason you couldn't/wouldn't. The other is you disrespected him (your future husband) for not waiting for him, I find this to be a more legit reason, then the other, but , and especially now-a-days, its something that comes with the turf. If you want to marry a pure young lady then do it, but don't get involved with one thats not and cry about it. There are to many terrific young ladies (and guys) out there that have messed up in this area, its your choice to let an amazing person go because we cant be mature/grown up about it. The Past is past, no matter how bad we want it to be different we cant..... so live with it.
Thats what i would have said

This isn't an issue really as we love each other and are really honest i would just like to know if everything is normal!!!

Normal is relative, I think Cali. is normal not many agree with me though.
Well if its not an issue i want the 6 min. it took to respond back....LOL
Some say Im crazy but I aint crazy.


Warrior Poet

 

[DaveKerwin]

It is very harsh to him that you have a past, but if he knows you have repented, he should forgive you. Be patient with him if it takes him a while to grieve past it, that is a very very difficult thing to come to terms with, and get past. Be honest with him when he asks questions, and be wise about how many questions is enough. Think about it the other way around and I am sure you could sympathize.

 

[Teal]

Let me ask you this, Whast worse him wantingto know your past or him not giving a ____ about it?

 

[seekingsomething]

I fully want him to know. Im completely open to him. I just dont want him to focus on it too much. I love him a lot, i just want him to be happy!! Soppy eh?! Thank you all so much for the replies. God Bless x x x

 

[DatingSmarts]

I think that his asking you so many questions about sex is unhealthy....he is interfering with purity of mind by reminding you constantly about sex simply by asking about it. I am sure it is not good for his own chastity either. I don't think he has pure thoughts if he asking so many questions about your sexual history.

I would let him know that you are commited to chastity in thought word and deed and that his questions are coming from what is called morbid curiosity which leads to sin.

better yet, I would ignore him or change the subject whenever he brings it up from now on.

 

[DatingSmarts]

i think he is insecure. who starts the conversation on your ex anyway?

if you initiate talks about your ex, ie by comparing your current to the ex...then you have set yourself up for the situation.


if he is the one who initiates the talk about your ex ie is first to bring up your ex in conversation then i would say he is the one at fault.

I don't think it is EVER wise to talk about problems you had with an ex or even the good things about an ex. To do so shows lack of readiness for current person you are seeing.

And it is unwise to entertain discussions about his past or lack of one. IT is only useful in determining one's readiness to be in a new relationship. a person who is ready for a new relationship does not talk about old relationships...he/she changes the subject or lets the questioner know it is not something worth talking about.

 

[serendipity79]

it is perfectly natural to want to know everything about eachother when you are in a relationship. he probably feels somewhat insecure, because he has no experience in that area, not to mention a bit of curiosity. I think it is best to keep eachother informed. you should tell him everything as he should tell you, honesty is always the best policy. keep praying and reading the bible, God will show you the path to take.

 

[stubbornkelly]

Discussing sexual issues is healthy and necessary if you're considering getting married. But going into details about your ex . . . unhealthy, and I always refuse to give details. What you decide is up to you, but personally, I advise against going into it. Give the information that you're not a virgin, discuss the implications of that on your present and future relationship and leave it there. My "line," if you will, is that that was in my past and I really want to concentrate on our relationship. Positive light, not negative. None of the "don't worry that I'm going to compare you to him," - all that does is plant an idea that you will.

There's always the possibility (even the likelihood) that he will respond that he needs to know details because the details will be an issue, but in my experience, that 's simply untrue. The issue, if it's going to even be one, is that you've had sex, not how you had it, how many times and with whom -- that's just insecurity and possibly resentment fodder. Other details about your ex? Almost all of us have exes, even virgins, and I'm not keen on

Is it normal for him to have questions? Of course. I'm concerned though, that he won't just sick to the basic, necessary questions and leave it at that. There's honesty, and then there's obsession. I'm, of course, not saying that your current beau is obsessed, but I don't think it's all that healthy to spend so much time on the past rather than focusing on the present and future. Me, I'd be uncomfortable if a guy wanted to know every little thing about one or all of my exes. Most men I have dated, including the two I was close to marrying, haven't asked, even if they were curious.

 

[stubbornkelly]

"And it is unwise to entertain discussions about his past or lack of one. IT is only useful in determining one's readiness to be in a new relationship. a person who is ready for a new relationship does not talk about old relationships...he/she changes the subject or lets the questioner know it is not something worth talking about."

Very well said.

 

[Teal]

Stubbornkelly, so if you found out your Man had sex with 250 different women is the span of a year you woulnt want to know that?

 

[seekingsomething]

Well i think we are all sorted... he seems to be movin off of the subject now and we are looking forward and planning things for ourselves. I think its now me that needs to deal with it. Im really regretting losing my virginity and wish i had been more informed...wish i had been a christian! But theres nothing i can do about it now. I was at bible study and sex came up. We read about this couple who were really excited about learning about sex and practising together... kinda wish i had that and i could offer that to any future husband. Anyway of gettin past that?! Also felt REALLY bad that i was the only person there who WASNT a virgin...

 

[New Creation]

Stubbornkelly, so if you found out your Man had sex with 250 different women is the span of a year you woulnt want to know that?

Stubborn Kelly was talking about details, not history. There's a big difference. My man knows that I was promiscuous before I became a Christian but I sure as heck didn't go into all the details. He told me once about a certain encounter he had with a woman, details and all and I wish to God that I'd never heard about it. I pictured it in my head over and over. It stirred up feelings of lust, jealously and anger. It was not something I needed to know. It made me feel insecure for the longest time.
I find it interesting to note that generally the younger men feel it's a good thing to know about t the details but the more mature women do not. hmmmm.... what could that possibly mean?

 

[New Creation]

Well i think we are all sorted... he seems to be movin off of the subject now and we are looking forward and planning things for ourselves. I think its now me that needs to deal with it. Im really regretting losing my virginity and wish i had been more informed...wish i had been a christian! But theres nothing i can do about it now. I was at bible study and sex came up. We read about this couple who were really excited about learning about sex and practising together... kinda wish i had that and i could offer that to any future husband. Anyway of gettin past that?! Also felt REALLY bad that i was the only person there who WASNT a virgin...

Stop feeling bad about your past my friend. You have been washed CLEAN by the blood of the lamb!!! In God's eyes, you are pure because of our Saviour Jesus Christ!!!

Know that you are loved and have been chosen by God!

 

[seekingsomething]

WOW i have had so many encourageing thoughts, comments and shared stories. I thank you all so much. Im loving God right now, he always knows how to make ppl say the right thing at the right time. God Bless you all x x x

 

[MusicMelOU]

I think that you should be completely honest with him (especially if he wants to know), but be sure to tell him the whole story; not just what you did, but also what you learned by becoming a Christian and how you are changed now. If he truly is the person God wants you to be with, he will love ALL of you, which means being able to accept your past. I'm kind of in this situation now; I haven't had sex, but I have done other things. Now I am not going to get into a relationship unless it centers God. However, my significant other will have to live with the fact that I haven't always been God-focused in relationships.

 

[stubbornkelly]

"Stubbornkelly, so if you found out your Man had sex with 250 different women is the span of a year you woulnt want to know that?"

New Creation got it right that I was making a distinction between history and details. But in response to your question, I wouldn't not want to know about it, but I certainly wouldn't need to know that. I'm not going to feel differently if he's had one sexual partner or 300 -- and I've dated men who've varied that much in their sexual experience. My own numbers are pretty high, so I'm really not in a position to claim superiority over anyone who has had more partners than I have. What, is 20 really worse than 10? Is 100 really worse than 50? Not really.

 

[ChristianDee]

Well i think we are all sorted... he seems to be movin off of the subject now and we are looking forward and planning things for ourselves. I think its now me that needs to deal with it. Im really regretting losing my virginity and wish i had been more informed...wish i had been a christian! But theres nothing i can do about it now. I was at bible study and sex came up. We read about this couple who were really excited about learning about sex and practising together... kinda wish i had that and i could offer that to any future husband. Anyway of gettin past that?! Also felt REALLY bad that i was the only person there who WASNT a virgin...

Sounds like he might have just accepted that and got past it. Bottling feelings up leads to major problems though so its definitely not unhealthy for him to ask any questions and discuss with you any reason he might feel uneasy. If you're feeling guilty though and want to marry this guy, asking him for forgiveness could help you feel better about the whole situation and might make him feel better about it as well.

This same scenario does seem to come up alot all over the place.

 

[FaithfulServant]

As long as he knows you have repented, I don't see why he would have a lot of detailed questions. However, if he does, try to find out the reason behind his questions because "I'm curious" really isn't a good reason. There might be a stronger reason for him needing answers and if there is, I suggest being completely honest.

God Bless ,

Steffani