Sexual Assault

[devoted daughter]

For such a difficult day, it actually sounds sublime! You did such sweet things to take care of/’treat’ yourself. (And what a sensitve little 'guy' your dog must be; aren't they great!).


Hurray, and well done, indeed! and

DD

 

[Seeking...]

Hello ladies,

I hope you all had a lovely holiday season, I for one am glad it is over. It was the first holiday season without my husband - 5 years with him - so it was quite strange. I told myself that this year I would start going out again, have fun with my friends, maybe even date. I have difficulty imagining dating though. My husband was the only one I was ever intimate with - he is the only man that I ever had to tell my history to. I am liberal in my head, but really conservative with my body. I almost feel like I should just wear a T-shirt "I am a divorcee, but I am not desparate and I will not sleep with you in the forseeable future! Wanna talk...". Who dates prudish 30 year olds with issues?

 

[BigToe]

Aww, dont be so hard on yourself. You will find someone nice who accepts you with all your prudish ways and any issues you have. *HUG*

 

[Ceris]

Bump, so that others may read.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I triggered last night... I haven't triggered in SOO long (and in the past it was only in sexual situations - which I haven't been in in over 12 months now), and all of a sudden, a simple hug (from the man I love and am planning to spend the rest of my life with) turned me into a blubblering mess.

I don't understand. I've been doing so well, haven't had issues with my past abuse, have informed B of what may trigger me AFTER we are married (ie certain touches, phrases during sex, etc etc) many times, so he's been really great about understanding my fears and concerns, and then THIS happens.

I feel pretty rotten today, I just wish I knew why a cuddle sent me into a blubbering mess!

Sasch

 

[BigToe]

Sorry to hear that. I wish you knew what it was so you could fix the situation and be able to have a nice cuddle with your man. I'll be praying for you and sending happy thoughts your way that you start to feel better.

 

[Ceris]

I want to thank all of you that have posted here regularly, both those that have had their stories to share and those that have not only done that but offered counsel to those in need. I have been blessed by being a part of this thread and reading it ever since I discovered this thread, truly this ministry in and of itself, many months ago. One of the things that I have come away with is a better understanding of women in general, and of how to treat them and care for and love them better than I used to. This has especially helped learn how to be the man that my girlfriend (in my profile picture) needs, one to be there for her, to care for and love her, and to understand her and comfort her through all aspects of life. So I thank you all, you have truly been a blessing to me.

May God Bless, and with my love for all of you,
Ceris

 

[Imani]

ok...everyone else has the guts to post their story...and it seems like this is a pretty safe place to talk about this so here goes... my story... it started when i was 9 I had gone to this church all my life but then the old Minister left and we got a new one. Thats when the thing at church started to change. Lots of people left cos it got too weird... but my parents were like totally involved in this church, they were on all sorts of rosters and committee's and in so many different groups. I was in the junior choir and i was also one of the junior scripture readers. Well anyways because i was a scripture reader this meant i had to meet with the Minister each week to go over my readings and practice and stuff. This was ok at first cos he was pretty nice. and he was the minister so of course it was totally cool for me to go meet with him on my own for these practice times. Well anyways he started by just touching me and hugging and kissing me and he'd tell me how pretty i was ..he'd tell me how good i was and he called me his little angel and everything...he said i was his special gift from God and that we had to keep this secret because others would be jealous that we were so special... so i didnt say anything. ...Then one day he said it was time to show me how special i was and how much he loved me. He raped me. I just remember how much it hurt. I cried. He told me there was nothing to cry about, that this was what God had chosen me for. To be his angel. I didnt want to go back to practices. I tried to pull out but mum and dad wouldnt let me. They said id go to hell if i didnt participate in church and use the special gifts God had given me. I tried to tell my mum what was going on. She told me i must be imagining things because he would never do something like that. .. if anyone was doing bad things it would have been me. He did this to me (or maybe i let it happen...) every week until i was 15. Then i couldnt do it anymore. I told my best friend... she said it was my fault because i let it happen every week. She said i must have wanted it and asked for it or i would have stopped it sooner. Thats when i first tried to kill myself. I dropped out of church then and started hanging around the "bad" kids at school... life sorta just fell apart. Then i met my ex fiance when i was 15... He was cool. he was older - alot older.. 11 yrs older...i thought he loved me...but...he was a satanist... and there were the rituals he made me be in... i cant talk about them... 14 mths after i met him I had moved in with him. I was pregnant, and my parents kicked me out. I thought it was just me - being pregnant and causing all the problems. He started drinking, and the drugs got more frequent. The first time it was just a slap across the face. I figured i deserved it - i said something wrong or something...The worst was when i lost Jaymie. I told him i already knew she was a girl... he lost it. Said he didnt want a daughter. Said all girls are trash... i remember the punch and my head hitting the wall. I remember him pushing me. Then i remember waking up in the ambulance... the pain was unreal... i was in labour for just under 4 hours. Jaymie was beautiful... but too small. Her lungs werent strong enough... she lived for 34 hours. The broken ribs and bruises were nothing compared the hurt in my heart...But i didnt leave... there was no where to go. And he said he was sorry... I kept thinking it must be my fault. The beatings were bad enough... and all the bad stuff going on in the bedroom... but when he started letting his mates "do" me... i felt like dying. I left twice... but each time he'd find me...he said hed kill me... I didnt want to die... I just wanted him to love me. I left just over a year ago. For good. This will never happen again.... im still terrified...and depressed. and struggling to get thru each day and fighting a hole heap of flashbacks and nightmares and SI..but at least i managed to get thru this post...

Thnks for reading.

 

[BigToe]

*hug* Imani. Thanks for sharing your story. And if you ever need anything from us all you have to do is ask. It was not your fault, you didn't let it happen and you didn't ask for it. You certainly didn't want it. I am sorry people treated you so poorly. Hopefully now can be the start of your life where you're allowed to be strong and be yourself without people hurting you.

Have you ever tried therapy? I know it sounds scary, but I really love my therapist, she makes me feel comfortable. And she never makes me say more than I am comfortable saying. And she takes breaks talking about all the bad stuff to talking about happier stuff so it doesn't get to be too much. *hug* I'll be sending you happy thoughts and praying for you.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Imani,

I was in tears reading your story - thank you for being brave enough for sharing your story.

It took me a LONG time to realise this, but I hope it helps you. Regardless of whether you kept going back or not, it was NEVER your fault (I'm so angry at the people who told you it was your fault). He was the adult in this situation and should never had touched you in the first place. I kept putting myself in the situation, but I learnt over time that it was because I was longing for ANY form of love from a man - no matter how bad it was. I just wanted to feel loved and cared for - and not abandoned.

Please believe it was not your fault. You were a child in that situation, and he was the adult. From your post, it sounded like you were just looking for attention and love from someone - and that is never something to feel guilty over.

I'm for you!

God please comfort her, right now...

Sasch

 

[merryheart]

Imani

There are no adequate words.

A child expects they can trust parents and pastors. This is a decent and normal expectation, and when trust is broken by these it is difficult to ever regain any trust.

May God comfort you, and may you be able to trust Him.

merryheart

 

[LegacyOfLove]

Imani, Sascha is 100% right when she said it wasn't your fault! It wasn't. It isn't. And you should not feel guilty or to blame for what someone else chose to do TO you!

You are courageous in telling your story. I am praying for you that God will continue to work in your life and bring you the healing you need. God's not finished with you yet. He's got great things in store for your life...and nobody is going to take that away from you.

God bless you and many, many ****hugs****.

 

[jenelis]

I just discovered this area-- funny how you discover more and more here at CF.

Sascha- I've read your threads before and my heart goes out to you for what you've been through. You are an incredibly brave person and I find that you are a lot like me in the respect that talking about what has happened seems to provide a relief for the hurt.

Imani - My heart breaks for you for the events that no one should ever have to go through... and yet in a strange personally-comforting way, I find strength that people with sexual struggles can lean on each other. You'll get through your times of trouble by resting your worries on God and finding the good in people around you.

I personally struggle each and every day with a violent, sexual incident that has left me emotionally scarred. I think we learn to adapt, yet we never truly get over it. I question everyone's motives and constantly look over my shoulder. Instead of seeing the good-- I search for what might be bad and I'll never forgive for that... the violoation.

My daughter is also scarred from what happened to me as she was there and watching what happened. I pray that God will heal her as she should not have to bear the burden as well. She's only 6.

And my fave bible quote is, "Be strong in the Lord, put on the Full Armor of God." This gives me strength to battle my daily struggles.

For all of us, I pray that our violators will have to answer to God. And that they may have to reap what the sew. <-- I can't help that. I'm human.

 

[merryheart]

My daughter is also scarred from what happened to me as she was there and watching what happened. I pray that God will heal her as she should not have to bear the burden as well. She's only 6.

Oh, oh, oh! That is grievous! My heart sank when I read that!

 

[devoted daughter]

Sach….I’m sorry about your trigger; as you know, they will come and go. You are a strong and wonderful, capable young woman, and you know where you can come for support. We love you here, as I hope you know.

Imani., welcome here, and thank you for sharing your story. It’s brave to make yourself vulnerable enough to share for the sake of ‘venting’ as well as to help others. I hope that the stories of others here help you know that you are not alone. Your experience is personal and unique, but there are elements that resonate to me and others here. I can’t speak for anyone in particular, and I wouldn’t presume to, but there is a fundamental commonality, and I appreciate your sharing more than I can express in words.
I ‘hear’ a lot of self-blaming in your story, so I hope you scan the posts of others here to know how often that happens, unfortunately. Indeed, it’s incredible and difficult to digest that those who are harmed are blamed. So, just know that it’s deceptive that somehow we must have let this happen, that somehow we are responsible in some way; indeed, it is an illusion imposed by others. . No one would cause it, or ‘ask for it’.
You are a strong survivor, and may you continue to carry your great strength with confidence. I wish you peace, and hope you find comfort that Jaymie is embraced by our Father. I have no doubt. How you feel, however, is far more important. As this is still ‘fresh’ for you, please don’t hesitate to come here for support. Healing takes time and patience that is incomparable to anything most people experience, but you will find yourself among so many here that will relate, myself included. Transcending isn’t impossible, but it takes time, and however long that takes is unique for each of us. Go at your own pace; do what you must for yourself, all in your own time, and know that you never have to ask permission, ever; for anything, from anyone!

Peace to you, luv; may you feel comfort, healing, protection and safety.

Jenelis, may you and your daughter be lifted from pain of the past and have peace, and healing. INJC

Love and and

DD

 

[Imani]

ive been avoiding coming back here cos ive been mad at myself and freaking out about my post and telling people i dont know this stuff... it has effected me pretty bad. but thankyou to those who read it and have been nice to me.


Imani

 

[merryheart]

ive been avoiding coming back here cos ive been mad at myself and freaking out about my post and telling people i dont know this stuff... it has effected me pretty bad. but thankyou to those who read it and have been nice to me.

Imani

It took courage! I know when I've shared parts of my story, I get really uptight, and emotional, and my past is wayyy past, and I have worked out a lot of it.

Don't try to go through it alone. Be very wise who you choose to share with, but remember - Even Jesus wanted his companions around Him during His most difficult hours.

 

[BigToe]

Imani, you are welcome to post here as much or as little as you want to and we will welcome you with open and loving arms. You've done nothing wrong. *hug*

 

[wardpossy]

I took this story from my website that I had written in regards to my being molested, you asked us to share our stories so I will.


This Is my True Story:

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I can personally attest that the effects of abuse touched every aspect of my life - emotional, physical, relational and spiritual. I lived with a victim mentality for over thirty two years until I learned to be a survivor.

I was angry with everyone, and afraid to trust anyone. Shame and guilt became my constant companions, convincing me that I somehow encouraged the abusers' advances. I built protective barriers to avoid loving and being loved.

It seemed as though my body defied me by bringing unsolicited sexual advances, thus becoming my own worst enemy. I took revenge against my body, forcing it to make restitution for its disloyalty as I smoked, drank,self inflicted hurt, and over-ate my way to false comfort.

Because of what this adult did to me I felt betrayed and humiliated, I became rebellious, refusing to submit to any authority. I kept intimate relationships at bay for fear someone I cared about would learn my deep self hatred of myself.

Because of my abuse I felt I couldn't even trust God who seemed indifferent to my suffering and who allowed this adult man to abuse me. I was afraid of that kind of love, so I rejected God and the church.

I suffered silently for more than thirty years before it came to a point that I had to face the issues of sexual abuse in my life. I couldn't carry the burden and pain any more. I had to face the past, deal with the hurt and learn to live in the present. The "protective tools" I selected as a seven-year old abused child - anger, bitterness and refusal to forgive - caused me more pain rather than relief, since I longed for love, acceptance and affirmation.

I didn't want to forgive, however, because forgiving my abusers seemed to reduce the significance of the crime and his need for punishment. Anyone who abuses others is guilty of a criminal act in all fifty states and has committed a wicked sin and, in God's eyes, has committed a wicked sin. I felt justified in my desire for justice. It's normal to be angry when an innocent person suffers the consequences thrust upon him by an abusive person. It's also natural to be cautious about preventing additional abuse and violation.

God is also angry and grieved by sexual abuse, and He promises to repay for the evil that's done and to avenge any sins committed against children. True justice can be gained only through our judicial system and by allowing room for God's vengeance and judgment.

I did nothing to cause the abuse - it wasn't my fault. However, I was responsible for my refusal to forgive and my willingness to hate and harm rather than to love using healthy choices. I was wrong for judging all people as evil because of the crimes of this one man. Refusing to forgive, to accept and receive love and to deal with my anger and fear was hurting me, not my abuser. I had to stop running from my longings for loving relationships.

This realization sent me into a fierce battle - a matter of life and death. I felt I was teetering on the edge of sanity versus insanity by the tips of my fingers, my body dangling between life and death. I was afraid of change, but even more afraid of the pain I carried. But I didn't try to hide from the truth this time.

I understood the abuse was so invasive it would be a lifelong recovery process. Just the thought of letting go of the anger and the grief was hard to bear so I prayed for God to send someone who would help me bear the burden and teach me how to forgive. Eventually, God eliminated the pain from my past, but I'm yet learning to deal with the present, which is strongly influenced by my past.

This is what happens to victims of abuse. They need compassion, love, understanding and encouragement to focus on the things gained through their abuse rather than allowing the past to control the present and the future. Hold them accountable for their actions and their sin of refusing to forgive. The world can gain from their experiences and perhaps the continued spread of this crime can be prevented.

Abuse changes lives forever, but healing is possible if the choice is to overcome the victim mentality, and work to become a survivor.

Warrior For Christ, Jeff ​

 

[merryheart]

Thank you Jeff for having the courage to share a man's story. Too few men are able to do so, and to the extent you make yourself vulnerable you will be able help others.

Bless you,

merryheart