Sexual Assault (2)

[ChrisBot]

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[Tini]

What a thread. I have only read a few posts - but what amazes me is that just about all the victims are women.


Men can also be victims - are we just too "macho" to talk about it?

I was abused and assaulted for many years by 4 different family members as a young boy. There are so many similarities in the way abusers work. They rely on the guilt that it is your fault and you deserve this.

I was "fortunate" I guess that I was never sodomised, but plenty else happened from oral to feeling, groping and masturbation.

One of my uncles, his two step sons and another cousin all abused me (sometimes violently - one often used a large dagger in the "ritual") from an age almost as far back as my memory can go (so I guess from around 4 or 5 y.o.). This continued until I was well into my teems and I could avoid family contact (I guess my mom dying was a blessing in disguise as we never visited that part of the family as often anymore).

It was something that really bugged me - and as a male - society looks at one as if it was your fault. They also almost pre-program you that if you were abused - you are likely to abuse others. This was the hardest as I made up my mind that I would not become like that (although there was a time that the devil was messing with me and I'm sure if I had the opportunity - I could have slipped down the slippery path). Thank God for that! It really hurts when even people like your wife ask questions about your possible abuse of our sons. But that is just how society programs or labels us.

With a lot of prayer and open conversation - this is now behind. I have been able to forgive the abusers - but it took a long time - and I fooled myself for a long time that I was fine and "healed" - but it caused so much confusion in my late teems through to mid 20's. I went through stages of being promiscuous, treating women as prizes or possessions; considering homosexuality; driven to perform at work; low self confidence; totally reliant on peers for affirmation etc.

I am totally thankful to the Lord and my wife of 9 years for helping me when I went through dips. If only we can build a relationship of trust with our kids. I was convinced my parents/ aunt / brothers knew what was going on - but kept quiet. But in retrospect - I think they ust thought I had a great relationship with my uncle and loved taking walks with him or going into his workshop all the time! I never felt I could talk to anyone - because no one would believe me - or I had brought this on myself - also no one else was talking about such things so I thought this may only be hapening to me.

Thanks for listening and I trust this will help other guys to tell their stories too.

 

[merryheart]

What a thread. I have only read a few posts - but what amazes me is that just about all the victims are women.


Men can also be victims - are we just too "macho" to talk about it?

I was abused and assaulted for many years by 4 different family members as a young boy. There are so many similarities in the way abusers work. They rely on the guilt that it is your fault and you deserve this.

I was "fortunate" I guess that I was never sodomised, but plenty else happened from oral to feeling, groping and masturbation.

One of my uncles, his two step sons and another cousin all abused me (sometimes violently - one often used a large dagger in the "ritual") from an age almost as far back as my memory can go (so I guess from around 4 or 5 y.o.). This continued until I was well into my teems and I could avoid family contact (I guess my mom dying was a blessing in disguise as we never visited that part of the family as often anymore).

It was something that really bugged me - and as a male - society looks at one as if it was your fault. They also almost pre-program you that if you were abused - you are likely to abuse others. This was the hardest as I made up my mind that I would not become like that (although there was a time that the devil was messing with me and I'm sure if I had the opportunity - I could have slipped down the slippery path). Thank God for that! It really hurts when even people like your wife ask questions about your possible abuse of our sons. But that is just how society programs or labels us.

With a lot of prayer and open conversation - this is now behind. I have been able to forgive the abusers - but it took a long time - and I fooled myself for a long time that I was fine and "healed" - but it caused so much confusion in my late teems through to mid 20's. I went through stages of being promiscuous, treating women as prizes or possessions; considering homosexuality; driven to perform at work; low self confidence; totally reliant on peers for affirmation etc.

I am totally thankful to the Lord and my wife of 9 years for helping me when I went through dips. If only we can build a relationship of trust with our kids. I was convinced my parents/ aunt / brothers knew what was going on - but kept quiet. But in retrospect - I think they ust thought I had a great relationship with my uncle and loved taking walks with him or going into his workshop all the time! I never felt I could talk to anyone - because no one would believe me - or I had brought this on myself - also no one else was talking about such things so I thought this may only be hapening to me.

Thanks for listening and I trust this will help other guys to tell their stories too.

It seems significant that the new thread has a first post from a man. Perhaps more will have the courage to share, and to share in the healing.

 

[BigToe]

When you think of sexual assault, most imagine it as a male assaulting a female, but females do it too. When you hear of a male being abused, people pretty much assume it was done by another male, or group of males. But women assault men too. It seems that society has decided those who are abused are "weak" or something. I think it was brave of you to tell your story. Thank you.

 

[SavedbyGrace2002]

Hi, first of all I just want to say I am praying for each of you to feel peace and comfort from God. I want to know if I should do anything to help my best friend. She was abused and raped my her cousin at 9 years old until she was about 16. I hate him for it. She told me he even did it while I was there in the room with them. I wish she would have told me cuz I would have done something. But I understand she was scared. Thanks for listening. I'm sorry I hijacked the thread. Love and Melanie

 

[BigToe]

Just be supportive of her. Don't pressure her to do anything. Let her know you are there to talk to. But also be able to talk about other things to help get her mind off of it.

 

[SavedbyGrace2002]

ok thanks. yes i do try to support her. but the last time she talked about was when he moved out of the house when she was about 16. i just hope she's not doing more damage by bottling it up but i don't bring it up first because i don't want to seem like i am pressuring her. and i know she feels suicidal because she's told me and when she was younger she did cut herself because i saw the cuts and asked her about them. i don't know if she does it anymore but i hope not because i care so much for her! should i maybe direct her to this thread? i'm not sure. would that be considered pressuring her? i don't want to push her away. Still for you all. Love Melanie

PS. If i don't belong in this thread asking these questions please tell me or direct me to another thread about helping loved ones. thank you

 

[Godsgirl481]

edited

 

[merryheart]

ok thanks. yes i do try to support her. but the last time she talked about was when he moved out of the house when she was about 16. i just hope she's not doing more damage by bottling it up but i don't bring it up first because i don't want to seem like i am pressuring her. and i know she feels suicidal because she's told me and when she was younger she did cut herself because i saw the cuts and asked her about them. i don't know if she does it anymore but i hope not because i care so much for her! should i maybe direct her to this thread? i'm not sure. would that be considered pressuring her? i don't want to push her away. Still for you all. Love Melanie

PS. If i don't belong in this thread asking these questions please tell me or direct me to another thread about helping loved ones. thank you

I'd say you belong here. If you look back at the first thread, you'll see several posters who are in support roles.

My best advice to you is to pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you into the best way to help your cousin... Don't be impatient - these things take time. Being there to listen, and supporting her in getting competent counseling are the most important things you can do. I mentioned a really good book in the other thread - "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender. A good book for anyone who is struggling with sexual assault, abuse or really, any sort of emotional abuse (or supporting someone who is) will get a lot out of this book.

 

[merryheart]

Bams481

praying for you, that God will become real to you, and that you will know He grieves with you over what has been done to you. You must be a very special young woman to have gone through so much ugliness, and still have the courage to share, and to turn your life around. Your strength and courage are amazing.

 

[SavedbyGrace2002]

merryheart-thanks so much for the suggestions and I will try to find that book somewhere. I will also read it and should I give it to her? Do you think it might make her feel pressured? I really don't want to do that to her.


Bams- and for you.

 

[merryheart]

merryheart-thanks so much for the suggestions and I will try to find that book somewhere. I will also read it and should I give it to her? Do you think it might make her feel pressured? I really don't want to do that to her.


Bams- and for you.

You should get it and read it - this will help you have the right words when conversations come up - especially those involving worth and shame. Ask God to give you the "right" opening to mention the book (after you have read it, and if you can honestly endorse it - there's power in that ) and don't make an issue of it, or put it on her. She will not be able to move forward until she is ready. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love her you cannot do it for her

Your compassion, and your prayers *will* make a difference!

 

[Godsgirl481]

edited

 

[SavedbyGrace2002]

You should get it and read it - this will help you have the right words when conversations come up - especially those involving worth and shame. Ask God to give you the "right" opening to mention the book (after you have read it, and if you can honestly endorse it - there's power in that ) and don't make an issue of it, or put it on her. She will not be able to move forward until she is ready. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love her you cannot do it for her

Your compassion, and your prayers *will* make a difference!

Thank you so much! I will definately get the book and pray about it. Thank you for helping.

 

[merryheart]

Edited.. Asked By The Member Who Was Quoted..

 

[Tini]

Hey Bams481

You sound like you're pretty normal now - struggling with life and asking the right questions of God. We all do that - even others who haven't been through what you have.
So I guess that's the wonderful thing about our God - He allows us to change and gives the grace to still love and accept us when we mess up along the way.

I found that it was not a big bang and suddenly I was OK and forgave everyone and life was great. It was a long walk (some of it before I was saved). But my mind had to change slowly and then the healing could begin. It was when I stewed in my past that I got all down and negative. Being a typical male I never spoke with anyone about it. That made it a longer process.

I'm sure that if something like CF was around I could have spoken freely here. There's the anonimity (no one knows me personally and can get close and hurt me here) but there is a definite feeling of caring and love. But having people in rea life to pray and share with is an amazing experience and was a lage part of my final healing.

I feel fine now - but like an onion - I may have another layer to peel off (thanks to Shrek for that analogy).

 

[Godsgirl481]

edited

 

[KrazyPhish]

Wow, this a moving thread

2 years ago a christian man in very trusted position molested my friend, she had considered him as almost a father to her. She told my self and our other friend that had be also been abused by the same man. We convinced her to tell some one that could do something about it and stop it from every happening to any one else and my other friend promised to tell her story too. Once it was out in the open he admitted to it and also admitted to abusing 2 other girls. It had been going on for years.

I'm still angry at him, he's a has family who's lives were completely turned up side down when it happen. I'm still good friends with his son and daughters, the son in particular isn't coping with it very well and my friend doesn't trust any man, what so ever.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

 

[Wakeup2god]

I am a never ending onion....too many layers to keep up with

BAMS. thanks for being tso brave and sharing your story. It leaved me at a loss for words.

All I can say is that I know God loves you. The bible says that 'for God so loved THE WORLD that He gave his only son'. That means you, me, everyone. You said that you could never forgive yourself for things you've done. Well, God will forgive you if you go to him with Jesus pleading your case. His blood can wash away the darkest sins and to God all sins are the same anyway. Sin is sin, He hates it all. Once you give it to Him though it's gone. There may be consequences to our actions but there is nothing to compare with the peace that comes with being right with God. You're not that special in as much as people have done much worse things than yu and been saved But, you are very special to God, you are His lost sheep and He's looking for you right now. Draw near to Him and He'll draw near to you. Will be praying for you

 

[Tini]

Hey BAMS - I reckon the one thing that God is really good at is waiting. He waited for me even when I screwed up a number of times - even after I gave my life to him three or four times and then went off and did my own thing - even now when I screw up while trying to live a righteous life - I know that he waits for me and has eternal patience (I was going to say the patience of Job - but hey - he gave Job his patience!).

The Bible even says a thousands years are only like a day to Him!

Hang in there. People may give up on us - but God never will.