Ana83

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In men hormone levels decrease with age and there are medications that his doctor can order similar to Viagra that address that issue. There are also foods that help increase NO Nitric oxide production.

Endothelial cells in the blood vessel wall lining produces nitric oxide normally - and that affects the entire body. But a high fat high cholesterol diet for decades damages the Endothelium. However it is reversible and can be assisted with medication while that process of healing is ongoing.
Thank you so much. I will definitely look into this.
 
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anna ~ grace

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I have suggested counseling once or twice, but I don’t want to pressure him.
What about talking to a Christian counselor yourself? Maybe at least to be able to talk through your feelings, get another Christian woman’s perspective, and get ideas on other ways (even if it’s not about sex) to make the marriage more enjoyable for both of you?
 
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Ana83

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You mentioned he was stressed and tired. Does he have sleep issues? A sleep clinic could be in order. Just possibly.
I got him to take Glycine before bed and now he sleeps really well. But work and stress just exhausts him overall.
 
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anna ~ grace

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I got him to take Glycine before bed and now he sleeps really well. But work and stress just exhausts him overall.
Would him getting a different job help? Would a career change be possible?
 
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Ana83

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You said you love God. How has your spiritual life been lately? Are you seeing the resentment you mention creep into your spiritual life? How is his spiritual life? Has it declined with the closeness in your marriage?

When you say he was never good at emotional intimacy, what do you mean? Did you seek that out elsewhere?

Some marriages have ups and downs in this regard. But it sounds like this has gone beyond that point for some time. It will likely not improve without some therapy intervention.

This next part may have some guesses that miss the mark, but are possibilities based on what you said so far.

The request for more frequent sex early on has likely built a reaction on his part of reluctance to eventual shut down. This is made worse by him knowing you want sexual activity, and that he is not providing it. And at this point he may consider any mention of the topic or suggestion of the activity to be off-putting. It is the part of the relationship that just won't work and he may not know how to make it work.

Based on what you said about initiating, exciting him when he was tired, etc. is it also possible that there were activities you were requesting that he did not want to do or felt he should not do? Did you ever talk him into something he refused initially?

While you report working through difficulties when he desired sex, and many people do this, having sex when initially they are not in the mood, for some this can cause resentment and turn them off from future activities if it is not done without compulsion. Did he ever report feeling like he gave in to have sex when he really did not want to?

At the same time you have wanted to have connection and put yourself out there by being the initiator, and therefore have had time after time of rejection for years now. And as a result you have backed off even what he was offering (hugs, etc.) due to resentment. That is why therapy is likely needed. Both of you need a way to reset the distance and resentment, and sometimes a therapist can walk you through that.

You are in a difficult place, and it can impact your confidence, view of yourself, etc. But you also need to be on guard to not use this as an excuse to allow your thoughts free reign. It is natural to want sex, and connection, and in marriage it is expected. But you are still responsible for how you handle thoughts of infidelity, etc.

Another thing to consider, were these thoughts of temptation something you indulged even when sex was more frequent in the early years? In other words, when you were having sex frequently with your husband was that satisfying to you in that regard, or were you still having stray thoughts? If you were satisfied, then that is good, and what is intended.

If not then you may also have to deal with the reality that if you are not content even with frequent sex then there is something in your nature driving that which you have to address spiritually and emotionally. The scriptures reference some who have a continual lust for more in the sexual realm. And if that is the case it has gone beyond relational closeness to an unhealthy need. In that situation pressure for your husband to meet that, which he ultimately cold not, may have played a role.

Also, you mentioned he was not engaging in an affair, or inappropriate content. I am guessing you have ways of knowing this. But have you been engaging in inappropriate content? If so was he aware of this? That also could be a turn off.

If he is willing to get counseling you would probably benefit from Christian counseling from someone who is qualified to deal with these issues. If he is not then you may need to go on your own to deal the resentment, and the temptations you are reporting. Those can both kill your marriage and your spiritual life over time.

You mentioned stress. Have there been major changes in stress level in the years of decline you mentioned?

What does his daily schedule look like? What does yours look like?

If he still responds at all to the conversations you might try going through this checklist separately, then compare notes. This is based on previous conversations in the married section of the forum here. This topic comes up in one form or another often. Some from what you already said won't apply, and some you already mentioned do apply. However, I will leave them in for lurkers who often deal with similar issues.

Sometimes looking at possibilities can give a place to start.


-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
- Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role, fear of child birth)
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Mental Health (depression, PTSD or trauma, Anxiety Disorder, etc., )
- Mourning loss (sometimes of a child).
- Never had drive
- Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- inappropriate contentography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Resentment over comparison to previous partners, or comments denigrating sexual performance, etc.
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive
Thank you for the time you took to write this. I can’t possibly answer all of those questions in this space, but I will say that I agree you on some things. I take my relationship with God very seriously as does my husband. I do feel resentment toward my husband on this topic, but it is not seeping into my spiritual life. Because I recognize it is wrong, I ask God to forgive me and I do try to resist that feeling. When I shared that I wanted more sex in earlier years, it was discussed and not a thing I nagged about. And I never did or would push for anything he wasn’t comfortable with. That’s just not us. But I know what you mean and that could harm a relationship. Thank you for all your brainstorming. A lot of good things in there that I hope helps someone.
 
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tall73

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Thank you for the time you took to write this. I can’t possibly answer all of those questions in this space, but I will say that I agree you on some things. I take my relationship with God very seriously as does my husband. I do feel resentment toward my husband on this topic, but it is not seeping into my spiritual life. Because I recognize it is wrong, I ask God to forgive me and I do try to resist that feeling.

That is good.

And I never did or would push for anything he wasn’t comfortable with. That’s just not us.

Also good to hear.


He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum.

He has talked to three doctors about it. He doesn’t want to go the pharmaceutical route for his overall health and I agree with him.


Does he seem depressed in general? Or is this the only area of life that seems to be impacted?

In regards to the ED and medications, does he have erections in the morning, or at other times unrelated to sex as happens with men?

If he has full erections in those circumstances, but not during sex this may be an indication that it is more psychological than physical, and the blood vessels are still capable of erection.

If it is not the case I imagine working with natural methods of health already that you have looked into foods that can limit testosterone, etc.
 
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Ana83

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I am sorry you are going through this. Here are my thoughts reading your very well-written post.

My ex had a very high sex drive and I found it to be more about the sex (and probably a deeper issue) and less about being intimate. It seemed like no matter what, it was never enough, which spilled over into other things. With him no matter what I did, I could not please him (not just talking about sex) because he always wanted more and I felt like he had a black hole that nothing could satisfy him. It took me a while to realize that no matter what I did, it was never enough. If he wanted A B C I would do that because I loved him. Than after getting A B C he wanted D E F which of course he than wanted G H I. It took me a while to realize it had less to do with what I was doing and more to do with the black hole that is inside him and nothing I would do could fix it. I was going crazy trying to please him and when I finally realized it was his issue and not mine and stopped killing myself trying to please him everything fell apart. (This is while I was away from being a practicing Christian)

Not saying this is the same situation, but it sounds like he might be feeling the pressure of sex that might be having the opposite effect you are hoping for. Have you tried setting up a day doing things that he enjoys and trying to connect in a more emotional way without the pressure of sex? Maybe try this a couple of times so he knows you love him for him and so he won't feel pressured. Just throwing out ideas. A marriage should have regularly intimacy, personally everyday seems like more of a chore and more about the act, but not having sex regularly when married is not good.

It does sound like you might need couples counseling and individual counseling and this might be the only way to get through this with your marriage intact. I would try to select a Christian therapist who has experience with intimacy issues.

I wish you the best and God bless!
Thank you for sharing your experience and ideas. I truly do not believe I have some insatiable deep need. I just like making love with my husband. Even though I would like to have sex daily, we never have and I have never pressured him to. Our frequency has been on his terms based on his need. Especially because I would not enjoy it if it seemed he was doing it out of obligation. We do almost everything together and fortunately we have the same interests. We can sit and talk for hours over a cup of tea. I am not only interested in my husband for sex. But now this issue has become something he doesn’t bring up unless I do and his response is minimal. I bring it up maybe 1-2 times per year at this point. I really appreciate your response.
 
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tall73

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We do almost everything together and fortunately we have the same interests. We can sit and talk for hours over a cup of tea. I am not only interested in my husband for sex. But now this issue has become something he doesn’t bring up unless I do and his response is minimal. I bring it up maybe 1-2 times per year at this point. I really appreciate your response.

This may sound harsh. But I am just trying to see it from his point of view, not being there or knowing him well being limiting factors. It sounds like you really want things to work with your husband. And you are doing everything you can.

However, since you said you have told him that you may need to separate once the kids are gone, and that you are tempted to adultery, etc. but he has maintained the rest of the relationship, spending time with you, trying to hug you, doing things together, raising the family, etc. it sounds like he loves you, but has no solution to this and is probably afraid that it is all going to fall apart.

He is working for the family to the point of stress impacting his sleep, but you have told him he may not have a family when it is all said and done.

How old are the children? How far away is the deadline when he wonders if you will leave, despite sharing the same faith, the children, the same interests, etc.?
 
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BobRyan

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Thank you. And I agree with you. I can’t force him to seek counseling though.

You are welcome - also you mentioned "high stress" -- if he is thinking about stress at inconvenient times, and has low Nitric Oxide levels as well high cholesterol you should get him to ask his doctor for medication and also get him into Christian discussions with you - (so a daily devotional with Bible reading). News stress, political stress, work stress weakens the system. God's Word, meditation and prayer relieve stress.
 
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Ana83

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So, if your husband had been injured or contracted a disease that prevented normal sexual relations, what would you have done? Just how important is sex to marriage? What does God, the Maker of sex, say? Does He make a big deal of sex in His word? Is it, in His view, a must-have? You need to eat; you need to sleep; you need to drink water; you need shelter and clothing. But sex? No. How long could you go without water but having all the sex you liked? Two days, maybe. How long could you last never eating but having lots and lots of sex? Maybe a week, ten days, tops. Now turn this around: If you could eat and drink as much as you liked but never had sex again, how long could you live? Days? A week? Many decades, actually. How is it, then, that we have taken up this notion that sex is as vital - for some, perhaps more so - than the truly essential things of life? This view of sex, and the variations of it that Christians adopt, is the World's view, not God's.

Now, of course, the World will disagree vehemently. But its perspective isn't fundamentally spiritual, as God calls His children's perspective to be. No, the World is all about the flesh, about the natural rather than the supernatural, about the body and its impulses and drives, and satisfying them as fully and frequently as possible. Simply look around you at the sex-mad World you live in. I go to the mall (though very rarely these days and always in the company of my wife) and in the windows of shops may see twelve-foot high images of women in their skivvies, staring sensuously at me; I drive down the road and pass billboards displaying women in skimpy bathing suits, their bottoms largely exposed, breasts bulging out of what little fabric contains them; the constant, sexual drumbeat of t.v. is grotesque and overt these days, and so on. One Christian researcher has called this stuff "ambient inappropriate contentography", a sort of wide-spread saturation of the environment with overtly sexual images.

When the Christian gives attention to the World's way, particularly to its preoccupation with sex, they must necessarily move away from the fundamentally spiritual, self-sacrificing way in which God has commanded them to live.

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.


John 12:23-26
23 And Jesus answered them, saying, The hour is come, that the Son of man should be glorified.
24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abides alone: but if it die, it brings forth much fruit.
25 He who loves his life shall lose it; and he that hates his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
26 If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.


And when the Christian does this, dissatisfaction in some measure is always the result; for God never intended that His children should find satisfaction or fulfillment in the things of the flesh, but in Himself. The flesh is never fully satisfied; the more it is fed, the hungrier it gets. Ask any addict.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.
8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Galatians 5:16-24
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Galatians 6:7-8
7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

The sex drive is powerful. And the more it is attended to, the more one focuses upon it, the more powerful it grows. And the more the sexual impulse grips one, the more it directs one's thinking and behaviour, even to the point of destruction of oneself, one's marriage, and one's relationship with one's Maker. This is the way of the flesh, though: More, more, more. Which is why it is so vital that the child of God be under God's control all day, every day.

Romans 12:1-2
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


Romans 8:14
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the children of God.


James 4:4-10
4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?
6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.


Romans 6:12-13
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts,
13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.


Under His control, the flesh is put in its proper place and one discovers that God is far more fully and deeply fulfilling than sex could ever be; He actually satisfies - not just temporarily, as the sex act does - giving joy, peace and rest where sex only ultimately provokes more hunger, a never-ending pursuit of the next moment of fleshly gratification.

If one tells oneself that sex is a must-have, that life is impossible, unhealthy, unnatural without sex, one is speaking after the manner of the World, not God. Yes, normally, sex is a part of married life - a very good part, to be sure - but it is not an essential; again, just ask the man whose wife is dying of cancer; or the woman whose husband has been in a car accident and now spends his days in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the neck down.

To your situation more specifically I would offer the following:

The more you pressurize the sexual dimension of your marriage, the more your man may attempt to de-pressurize it by relegating it to the margin of your relationship, increasingly treating it as insignificant the more you elevate its importance. He may be trying to lower your expectations so that he can actually meet them - especially if there is a natural distinct difference in libido between you.

If there is one sure killer of healthy sexual relations between a couple, it is inappropriate content. Even "ambient inappropriate content" can have a stultifying effect on marital relations, unwanted images encountered in the environment of impossibly beautiful, near-nude woman intruding upon a man's mind when he's with his wife, creating dissatisfaction and guilt, both of which stifle sexual desire. And if a man is lured by ambient inappropriate content into more direct, active pursuit of inappropriate content, it will shut down sex - normal, healthy sex, anyway - within a marriage. Many is the man, evidencing the traits of a inappropriate content addict, who has stridently denied ever looking at inappropriate content only to be later discovered to be an addict.

Staying fit, staying healthy - especially if one is not big on fitness to begin with - gets more and more difficult as one ages. As I'm sure you know, being sedentary and overweight produces lethargy which, in turn, mutes sexual interest. But, you can't force your man to exercise. And if he is working unconsciously or consciously to diminish your expectations of him in the sexual area, it will be doubly difficult to prompt him to activity since he will interpret your promptings to fitness as just another form of sexual pressure.

Anyway, these are all hurdles to healthy marital sexuality that demonstrate why it is so vital that a husband and wife be under God's control. He can do things in a person's heart and mind that no human has any hope of doing, exposing the myriad expressions of natural human selfishness for what they are, enabling a person to act totally contrary to their natural inclinations, in self-sacrificing love laying down perceived rights, giving up comfort and ease, fleshly desires, even, for the sake of a spouse. Only God has the power to make us the selfless, Christ-honoring, eternally-focused people He intends all of His children to be which is why we must every day be submitted to Him, at every turn choosing to be under His control. As a husband and wife live together as such people, their marriage is the wonderful, incredibly-satisfying, spiritual union God intends for it to be. It is God's plan for marriage that a husband and wife meet Christ in each other. And the more they do, the sweeter, richer and deeper their marriage will be.

God, though, doesn't say to married couples, "Only if your spouse is Christ-like are you obliged to be so, too. Only if s/he sacrifices for you are you required to sacrifice for him/her." No, instead, He shows us by His own example on the cross of Calvary that real love, godly love, always costs - and costs a very great deal sometimes.

John 1:11
11 He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him.


1 John 4:7-11
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.


Philippians 2:5-8
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.


On the far side of the cross, of dying to ourselves, is joy, peace, contentment with God Himself, the Creator of the Universe, who will show us, if we'll let Him, that He is better by far than the temporary gratifications of the flesh. In the example of Jesus, however, one can see the truth of the saying: "Love can't wait to give; lust can't wait to get."
Thank you for your response which I am sure took an amount of time to write. Desire for a spouse is not the sin of lust. And a desire to have sexual relations with one’s spouse is not the same as living in the flesh. Afterall, God creates it. He could have just as easily made us to reproduce like fish with no contact, but He did not. I mean, Song of Solomon is not about a literal picnic in the woods. Of course, sex is not essential to actually sustain life. But, if the married persons are not suffering cancer or disability (etc), some sexual activity may be essential to a healthy relationship. Sex does bond people together. I am not new to dying to self and focusing on Christ alone. That is what I strive for. But I am also human with feelings, as God made me. I’m just trying to resolve a very difficult problem.
 
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Ana83

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What about talking to a Christian counselor yourself? Maybe at least to be able to talk through your feelings, get another Christian woman’s perspective, and get ideas on other ways (even if it’s not about sex) to make the marriage more enjoyable for both of you?
That’s a good idea and one I’ve thought about. Honestly, the cost of counseling would probably just give him more financial stress. So I’m afraid I would feel l would be burdening him more.
 
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Ana83

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Would him getting a different job help? Would a career change be possible?
Logistics would be beyond difficult there. We have a large family to support and his current job pays better than most others in his field. It wouldn’t be wise to let it go.
 
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Ana83

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That is good.



Also good to hear.


He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum.

He has talked to three doctors about it. He doesn’t want to go the pharmaceutical route for his overall health and I agree with him.


Does he seem depressed in general? Or is this the only area of life that seems to be impacted?

In regards to the ED and medications, does he have erections in the morning, or at other times unrelated to sex as happens with men?

If he has full erections in those circumstances, but not during sex this may be an indication that it is more psychological than physical, and the blood vessels are still capable of erection.

If it is not the case I imagine working with natural methods of health already that you have looked into foods that can limit testosterone, etc.
I really do believe the physical change has impacted him psychologically and then that cycle repeats. I don’t know when exactly it started, but he definitely didn’t seem to be addressing it until it went on for a while. I am super open about health and physical issues and even ED is not something I’m shocked at, but this is one he obviously avoids talking about. It’s his unwillingness to address it and communicate about it that is really hurting our marriage. I’m used to having to deny myself and ignore my desire. But it really hurts that he doesn’t love me enough to work in this.
 
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BobRyan

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But it really hurts that he doesn’t love me enough to work in this.

The key to that is "time with him" - don't let him go to sleep alone - do everything you can to get the hours in with him reading Bible topics, devotionals, watch testimonies of people who converted to Christianity with him. Get his mind back to Christian themes and sharing Christian discussion with you.
 
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Ana83

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This may sound harsh. But I am just trying to see it from his point of view, not being there or knowing him well being limiting factors. It sounds like you really want things to work with your husband. And you are doing everything you can.

However, since you said you have told him that you may need to separate once the kids are gone, and that you are tempted to adultery, etc. but he has maintained the rest of the relationship, spending time with you, trying to hug you, doing things together, raising the family, etc. it sounds like he loves you, but has no solution to this and is probably afraid that it is all going to fall apart.

He is working for the family to the point of stress impacting his sleep, but you have told him he may not have a family when it is all said and done.

How old are the children? How far away is the deadline when he wonders if you will leave, despite sharing the same faith, the children, the same interests, etc.?

You’re not being harsh. I regret saying we may need to separate. And I said I am tempted in my mind (as all are)- but I have not engaged in any sin nor would I pursue it. I have told him in the hardest talks about this that I am miserable and can’t fathom living with a mere roommate the rest of my life. The longer this goes on, the more he pulls away. So, I do to to protect myself, though it’s against my nature. Now, getting him to talk about anything intimate (not just sex) is like pulling teeth. I feel like he’s just letting time pass and hoping it will all go away and still turn out well. It baffles me, honestly, that he doesn’t want to fight for us. I am trying to fight for my marriage and family, but he is not doing the same.
 
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Ana83

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You are welcome - also you mentioned "high stress" -- if he is thinking about stress at inconvenient times, and has low Nitric Oxide levels as well high cholesterol you should get him to ask his doctor for medication and also get him into Christian discussions with you - (so a daily devotional with Bible reading). News stress, political stress, work stress weakens the system. God's Word, meditation and prayer relieve stress.
I totally agree with you. But I am weary of having to take the lead on these things.
 
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Ana83

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The key to that is "time with him" - don't let him go to sleep alone - do everything you can to get the hours in with him reading Bible topics, devotionals, watch testimonies of people who converted to Christianity with him. Get his mind back to Christian themes and sharing Christian discussion with you.
We actually do all of those things already.
 
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tall73

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You’re not being harsh. I regret saying we may need to separate. And I said I am tempted in my mind (as all are)- but I have not engaged in any sin nor would I pursue it. I have told him in the hardest talks about this that I am miserable and can’t fathom living with a mere roommate the rest of my life. The longer this goes on, the more he pulls away. So, I do to to protect myself, though it’s against my nature. Now, getting him to talk about anything intimate (not just sex) is like pulling teeth. I feel like he’s just letting time pass and hoping it will all go away and still turn out well. It baffles me, honestly, that he doesn’t want to fight for us. I am trying to fight for my marriage and family, but he is not doing the same.

I think a lot of folks have been in that boat, saying something they regret later in a time of emotional difficulty.

And it is the wondering why he doesn't address the ongoing problem that feels like rejection despite the rest of the things he is doing. That is why a lot of people in that situation really struggle with resentment.

I understand trying to have forthright discussions with the hope that it will shake him up. And for some that does trigger, at least for a time, a desire to address the situation. But for some others, especially if they are already stressed or depressed, it may seem like another demand they can't handle. So perhaps he is trying to wait it out.

Many couples report lessened desire when dealing with kids, stress etc. Often it does improve later, and maybe he is hoping it will. But it is usually not to this degree. If it has been 7 months that is unusual and suggests that the stress that may have initially led to it does now seem to be secondary to a larger relationship issue of communication between you.

If he is unwilling to address it, then I would say you have only a few options left.

a. Try to find ways to cope with things as they are.

b. tell him you are going to a therapist individually to help deal mentally with what you are going through. If he expresses interest it would be great if he goes. If he is unhappy with the decision due to cost, explain you are trying to address the situation because you need help. If he responds in the usual apathetic way, take that as a resigned yes, and go.
 
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It is when it is demanding and self-interested, provoking threats of infidelity, if not satisfied.

But it is. We are physical creatures; we live in the flesh all the time. But we don't have to live only or primarily as fleshly beings. In fact, we must not. And in the sexual area, because the sex drive can be so easily provoked out of proper proportion, a disciple of Christ must be doubly careful not to unnecessarily inflame it, or be ordered by it.

Sex in marriage is normal, healthy and good but this doesn't make it essential. It is the World and Self that elevate the flesh in this way, not God.

I am not trying to diminish your struggle; I understand it extremely well, actually. I've had to work through this very same struggle in my own marriage. What I've shared with you is what God showed me. I suppose, though, we all must learn His truth for ourselves in our own experiences.

Will pray for you and your man, sister.

I agree there is a balance there. I Corinthians 7 makes it clear we should attend to the needs of our spouse in this regard, and even relates it to safeguarding against outside temptation.

On the other hand, there are times when we have to deal with circumstances where that won't happen. And in those times we know that the flesh will be clamoring, and there is a need to stay in step with the Spirit for that reason.
 
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