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Sexless Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Delmus1, Nov 13, 2019.

  1. Delmus1

    Delmus1 New Member

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    I am 59. My wife is 54. We have been married 25 years. Both of us are Christians. One child 21 years old. Zero problems. Since my wife has gone through menopause, three years, our sex life is down to zero. No desire on her part whatsoever. We have discussed this and she simply does not want sex in any shape, form, or fashion. She even refuses to touch me intimately. As a Chritian I have been taught no sex outside of marriage. This even includes self manipulation. I did not get married to be celibate. Ethically, what do I do? Counselling and communication does not help. In talking with married male friends a sexless marriage seems to be the norm. What do I do?
     
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  2. Darkhorse

    Darkhorse just horsing around

    +2,914
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    How about taking your wife to a doctor and focusing on the effects of menopause on her sex drive?

    This is not something insignificant to brush off; it affects both of you, not just you.
     
  3. JohnAshton

    JohnAshton Well-Known Member

    +1,145
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    The wife may well resist going to the doctor, because she prefers how she feels now, 'sexless'.

    If both are Christian, the husband should confide in the pastor or minister, then ask the pastor meet with both individuals. This may cause a break up in the marriage.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2019
  4. wesf

    wesf New Member

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    Gary Chapman wrote a book, "The 5 Love Languages". I highly recommend it as a book for both you and your wife to read together.
     
  5. Phoebe Ann

    Phoebe Ann From Mormonism to Christ Supporter

    +8,474
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    Have you tried asking her the reason?
     
  6. Kris Jordan

    Kris Jordan Acts 4:12

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    Hi Delmus1,

    Going through menopause is not a fun experience by any means. But it's never an excuse for a woman to assert celibacy if she's married. Just because one partner's desire may be non-existent doesn't mean the other partner's desire follows suit.

    With that being said, it sounds like her lack of desire could be due (in part) to a drop in various hormone levels, testosterone being one of them. (Yes, women produce this hormone, albeit in smaller amounts than men).

    1. Is she willing to see a hormone doctor for getting onto a hormone replacement regiment, preferably a bio-identical one? (It's amazing what that can do for a woman's mental, physical, and emotional health).
    2. What were her sexual desire levels before menopause set in? (It's possible that there could be other factors that were simply exacerbated by menopause.)
    3. Have you been loving her consistently outside of the bedroom? Have you been nurturing her needs and spending non-sexual time with her?
    4. Are you putting pressure on her for sex? (That alone is a sex killer for most women).
    5. In what ways do you think you are contributing to her non-interest in sex? This would be a really good time to take a look inside to see beyond the obvious to what else could be lurking underneath...
     
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  7. jsimms615

    jsimms615 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,524
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    I definitely don't think it is the norm. I would express to her if I were you how important it is to you and see if she will see a doctor or do couples counseling together.
     
  8. Delmus1

    Delmus1 New Member

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    Thank you for the response. To answer the questions:
    1. No
    2. Very High. Assertive. Highly creative.
    3. Yes.
    4. No. None other than asking if there is something I can do or to help.
    5. It was like a light switch. All the sudden there was no interest at all on her part. She said she got nothing from sex anymore. I am the same only older.
     
  9. Kris Jordan

    Kris Jordan Acts 4:12

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    Hi Delmus1,

    Thank you for being so transparent. I know this can't be easy to deal with NOR talk about with cyber strangers.

    I'm not a doctor, but something seems amiss here. Given that you've said her pre-menopausal desire levels were "Very High, Assertive, Highly Creative," but since menopause, her levels and interest are at a complete "zero" with claims that she gets nothing from sex anymore, it leaves me with more questions. Forgive me for reaching here, but it seems like there's more to this than meets the eye.

    It's odd to me that (if she truly had a gratifying sex life prior to menopause and actively pursued you with creativity) she wouldn't want to seek available help to restore that enjoyable part of her life. That's the part that doesn't make sense. It's like:

    • If I really liked chocolate, and personally enjoyed eating chocolate, so I ate it several times a month - but then suddenly one day, it upset my stomach every time I ingested it - I'd be knocking down doors to find a way to incorporate chocolate back into my diet...because it's just "that good!"

    • BUT if the reality was that chocolate was something I just put up with eating because it was "there" or my spouse enjoyed eating it, then that's a whole different story.

    That's where the disconnect is for me overall, with what you've shared. If I were having a conversation with your wife, one-on-one, I'd want to ask her the following questions:

    • What were you getting from sex before menopause that you're not getting now? Physical gratification through orgasm? A pleasurable and exciting experience? An emotional connection with your husband? Neither? Nothing?

    • If your sex life was satisfying before you went through menopause and now it isn't, what stops you from wanting to get it back to where it was, using the various help available?

    • Did your "high level of sexual desire" before menopause come from your own desire within for sex or was it based on you trying to meet the sexual desires and needs of your husband?

    • Had you been engaging in "duty sex" or "obligatory sex" all these years and now you're just over it and feel you've done enough?

    • Have you faked orgasms during your marriage?

    • Was your sex life becoming monotonous and predictable and it lost its spark for you?


    I'd be curious to know what her answers are to these. It sounds like there could be some missing pieces to the equation that haven't been brought to the table yet. Has your communication been really open and healthy over the 25 years of marriage? Do you talk to each other about everything? Have you both openly and freely discussed your sexual desires, likes, dislikes, and expectations of each other over the years? Do you think her motivations for sex were based on anything other than a desire on her part?

    Sorry, I just have more questions than answers for you. :(
     
  10. Delmus1

    Delmus1 New Member

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    Thank you for trying to understand. Believe me I have a lot of questions. The main one is the original one because basically, this is it, NO SEX. So, what do I do as a Christian? What are my choices now? If I was not a Christian, I know my answers. BUT.... here I am through not fault on my own. I work, clean, cook, do my own laundry, Faithful, loving, caring, and love my wife. I just don't understand.
     
  11. Kris Jordan

    Kris Jordan Acts 4:12

    203
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    Hi Delmus1,

    I totally get it. Totally! Unfortunately, you cannot control what your wife does or wants. All you can do is try to communicate as lovingly as you can, but the choices she makes are totally up to her. Yes, she's married and it's not all about her, but you can't force her to want something she's unwilling to address or discuss.

    In the meantime, here's my counsel:

    • Pray, then pray some more! Only Jesus can do what you are powerless to in her heart. Plus, He knows what you need and is able to help you through this challenging and frustrating time. Pray for her, yourself, and your marriage.

    • Love her unconditionally. This is the time to really demonstrate your undying love toward her, especially when things are "less than desirable" in your intimate relationship. Demonstrate the love and patience of Jesus and don't withhold from her what is rightfully hers, even if that's what she's doing to you. Jesus continually loves us even when we don't give Him what He rightfully deserves, like our love, devotion, obedience, and worship 24/7. We need to do the same for our spouses.

    • Keep yourself accountable with a trusted Christian brother so you don't fall into sexual temptation of any kind.

    • Seek counsel from your pastor on other things you can employ to help you through this unfortunate time.

    • Divorce, adultery, or porn are not options for you. Going outside of your marriage to fix a problem within it never works. It's only an excuse men give themselves to sin.
     
  12. Kris Jordan

    Kris Jordan Acts 4:12

    203
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    United States
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    Hi Delmus1,

    I was talking to my husband of 31 years about your situation last night. I asked him what he would do if he were facing your situation. With all honesty and sincerity in his voice (along with a little shock and irritation at the thought of it), he said he would really have to work on not growing resentful and angry.

    So one other thing I would add to the list of "what to do" would be to get counsel for yourself throughout this journey to help you not become bitter or resentful - or to help you work through those emotions if they are already present.

    Again, I am so sorry you are going through this...
     
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  13. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +2,804
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    When you asked her about going to a doctor who can look at the hormones, did she give a reason for not wanting to do so?
     
  14. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +15,834
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    My advice also.
     
  15. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,180
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    Given the drastic change, I would quietly poke around to rule out an affair.

    Don't ask her
    - if she is having an affair she will deny it and then be careful to hide it better.

    It isn't atypical for a woman who is having an affair to feel that having sex with her husband is cheating on her affair partner, so she will make up excuses to not have sex with her husband.
     
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  16. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    PS: If you find an affair, DO NOT confront her or let her know you know until you have a strategy. You will be absolutely shocked and gut wrenched, but do not show your hand until you have a strategy to save your marriage.

    Don't close the door to marriage recovery until you have gotten over the shock. Many people are initially so shocked they don't want the marriage and then they change their mind. Many other people are initially so shocked and do desperately want to recover their marriage but then they, too, change their mind. Realize that you can't make a good decision at that moment, and follow a path most likely to recover your marriage so you can leave your options open. You will change your mind a few times, but don't destroy your options each time you do.

    Go post on the free forums on marriagebuilders.com for a strategic progression of actions that have been proven to be the most likely to save marriages who are devastated by affairs.

    Many marriages can recover from affairs and be even better than they were pre-affair. However, there is a narrow progression of strategic actions that have proved to be most effecting in breaking up the affair and restoring marriages. Outside of those actions, many marriages suffer in broken and betrayed misery until they finally fall apart - - or stay together miserably without hope (or possibly even the desire) for the marriage to recover.
     
  17. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

    +8,242
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
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    She doesn't seem to care about your feelings or general health to much because, a man needs that release to have and keep a healthy prostate. Does she realize that?

    Lack of use of the prostate can lead to very painful infections and may even raise the chances of one getting cancer?

    After the age of around 50 men have a 50% chance of having prostate troubles. Don't want to raise the odds by having no sex life.

    70 years old = 70% chance
    (( approx figures ))

    M-Bob
     
  18. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,311
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    @Delmus1 don't know if you're still reading or not as see you haven't been active since Nov 18

    if you're still reading, I know we can't prevent ourselves from getting older

    however, are you keeping fit for your age of almost 60?
    do you take your spouse on dates & loving towards her?
     
  19. Delmus1

    Delmus1 New Member

    4
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    Married
    I am now 59. I do not look like I did 25 years ago. No one does. This happened within a few months of menopause. Almost like a light switch. The truth is she is uninterested for whatever reason. This is an unchangeable fact. The original question is what do I do as a Christian? What are my choices?
     
  20. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,180
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    Christian
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    Rule out an affair.

    The avenues to recover your marriage are starkly different if there is an affair or if there isn't an affair.
     
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