Sex After the Loss of a Spouse - What Does the Bible Say?

[mnphysicist]

Interesting that as usual, those who do are not experiencing this temptation are the ones who have all the advice on how do deal with this temptation. God at least understands that having sex removed from a happily married person's life can really be a problem (knows that some of us "burn") and offers a solution (marriage).

In my younger days, I had the fun of a church explode when a recently widowed elder engaged in adultery with another elders wife. I was big into judgementalism and "easy canned answers" after that. Alas, as I gained life experience, my views softened, and after the passing of my wife, my views on this changed big time. Granted, adultery is wrong no matter what, ie sex outside of marriage where one of the folks is married... but I think that gets softened far too much when its co-mingled with cultural driven sexual ethics, especially when said cultural ethic is used as a lens to interpret the scriptures. Today I wonder if the church had taught a more scripturally accurate and healthier sexual ethic, if they really would have caved to adultery.

I simply said that God will forgive if we fail in that struggle and come back to him.

100% agreed, but there can also be damage done to other parties, much of which is near impossible to fix. I think of the above situation, the broken marriage, the split church, and a bunch of judgmental jerks like me for a lot of years after that.

Personally, I am not tempted as much now...but honestly, I think that the sexual side of me is sort of withering up and dying, not that the temptation is going away. I don't think that is really part of God's plan for what is best for us. He made us sexual beings.

I would not be surprised to see the medical world come to a similar conclusion at some point down the road. It that should happen, a lot of Christian's will need to go back to the scriptures and seriously consider that their traditions could be in error. Granted, some will double down on their traditions in public, all the while not following them in private.

 

[mnphysicist]

The temptation isn't to just have sex for sex's sake. It usually is a temptation to express love for another person. I don't think most Christian widows, or widowers at that, just want to have sex with a random person. It is more often trying to replace that missing piece of intimacy in our lives...even when a new relationship has not reached that point yet.

The secular world has the 3 date rule as folks don't want to risk emotional intimacy prior to having an idea of sexual compatibility. Christian's have the same fears, but are usually willing to expose themselves to somewhat greater emotional risk. Widows/widowers add complexity with the desire for intimacy replacement early on vs totally giving themselves to their new partner over time, to say nothing of the issues of aging which pose more issues wrt sexual incompatiblity. There are no easy answers to this.

In marriage, sex is how you increase intimacy or re-establish it when there has been stress in your marriage. I think it is looking to love and be loved again. That is how God designed us. It is not just a selfish act of personal gratification. I think having sex with someone after your loved one dies, isn't necessarily satisfying either but rather just ends up serving as a reminder than your spouse is gone and just how alone you really are.

Thus one of the dangers of widow / widower dating and early sex... which in turn can easily kill off a potential relationship. Otoh, being aware of this and wanting to wait can also be problematic for ones partner.

 

[blackribbon]

Today I wonder if the church had taught a more scripturally accurate and healthier sexual ethic, if they really would have caved to adultery.

I think the modern version of Christian marriage is also at fault. If the marriage of the married elder was what it should have been, there likely wouldn't have even been the temptation.

 

[OmaTrisha]

Yet God did not reject His purpose for him.

But God also didn't use Sarah's handmaid to extend Abraham's blessing, but used Sarah....He fulfilled His promise even though Sarah tried to bring it to pass by her own devices and Abraham was more than willing to play along.....

 

[pdudgeon]

what I've found is that these days, there just doesn't seem to be any hope left for widows any more.
After your husband dies, that's it. Everything ends, and the widow is just expected to accept that life doesn't go on,.... only endless, boring, lonely, existence.
What we want, what we hope for, what we've learned, all the love and caring that we still have to give doesn't matter a bit.

The men disappear, and the number of lone widows keeps on growing. In my parish alone, 4 years ago we used to have 4 widows. now we have 14.
And widowers? Still just 1.

Years ago the Knights of Columbus used to host a dinner for the widows. It was easy when they were few in number. But now when the widows outnumber the Knights they had counted upon, the dinner has been cancelled.

It was a sad day when they had to announce that cancellation at mass.
I could see the widows in attendance that morning just deflating as they sat in their pews.
They had come to mass expecting a special treat, only to hear that it had been cancelled. The knights couldn't come up with enough men to prepare and serve the dinner.

These days it seems like the widows are just not wanted or appreciated, or cared for anymore.

Again, it wasn't that long ago when the widow only survived her late husband by a few years. Now it's not unusual to see the widows outliving their spouse for 10 years or more.

We haven't seen a lot of widows alone since WW2. Even with the casualties of Viet Nam, those widows whose husbands died early still had time to remarry and have a life. But not so any more.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

what I've found is that these days, there just doesn't seem to be any hope left for widows any more.
After your husband dies, that's it. Everything ends, and the widow is just expected to accept that life doesn't go on,.... only endless, boring, lonely, existence.
What we want, what we hope for, what we've learned, all the love and caring that we still have to give doesn't matter a bit.

See in Scripture and in Corrie ten Boom's books, biography, and online testimony
what older women can be doing actively.

The knights couldn't come up with enough men to prepare and serve the dinner.

The older women should be the ones fixing the food, and training the younger women, etc ....

These days it seems like the widows are just not wanted or appreciated, or cared for anymore.

"it seems" that way because it is that way for most all the religious world in Christianity.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

That being said, I have found it extremely difficult to meet what I would characterize as a "Godly" man.

True, it is rare indeed and in truth to find a Godly man or a Godly woman, any time throughout history and today and until Jesus Returns getting worse, not better.

I'm in a total quandary. I keep running into resistance from the men I meet. I don't think it's me. I think it's a sign of the times. I messed up once & I do not care to do that again.
How do you handle this mess?

"It's not you" (not necessarily). All society is corrupt. Yes, "a sign of the times" as written in Scripture.

How ?

Pray constantly and trust in and rely on and listen to Jesus, do as He Says. Always in harmony with all Scripture , in Yahuweh's (God's) Plan, and His Purpose - His Kingdom.

 

[blackribbon]

Interesting that a single man wants to give advice to a widowed woman...on a thread titled "sex after the loss of a spouse", no less. And thinks we should be cooking for others...What compassion. Jesus raises the a widow's children from death to comfort her. Jeff thinks we should cook for ourselves...and nobody should serve us, even a meal.