Sex After the Loss of a Spouse - What Does the Bible Say?

[AG Smith]

I've been a widow 2 1/2 years. First year was really rough, emotionally. However my libido is starting to kick in & I've looked at all kinds of stuff scripturally. 1 Corr. 7:9 …8 Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.…

That being said, I have found it extremely difficult to meet what I would characterize as a "Godly" man. I came to the conclusion the Lord would open the doors he wants open & close those he wants closed. That has not really been the case. I'm very careful with my decisions & choices but boy it's been frustrating.

I would love to have a relationship (my husband was the best friend I ever had) but not at any price. None of us knows what will happen when the breath in us dies out. We have the promise of eternal life after death. I have the Lord, I have the Holy Spirit, I also have a desire for a full relationship.

I'm in a total quandary. I keep running into resistance from the men I meet. I don't think it's me. I think it's a sign of the times. I messed up once & I do not care to do that again.

How do you handle this mess?

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

That being said, I have found it extremely difficult to meet what I would characterize as a "Godly" man. I came to the conclusion the Lord would open the doors he wants open & close those he wants closed. That has not really been the case. I'm very careful with my decisions & choices but boy it's been frustrating.

God will open a door, and no man can close.
God will close a door, and no man can open.

This is true as always.

Good that He has 'closed' the door for so long - yes it is rare to find a godly man or a godly woman today.

Do not 'hurry', even in a decade or two - so many have fallen in disgrace by 'thinking' okay, being deceived by others who told them 'okay'... DON'T.......

It is difficult and frustrating at first. Peace and Joy are gifts with Jesus, by faith in Jesus, as
we wait upon God for all things, for everything,
and
ONLY do what is GOOD and RIGHT in HIS SIGHT!

Our own souls may be at stake, as multitudes find out TOO LATE, on judgment day.

 

[timothyu]

I lost my wife while Christmas shopping a few years back. It was an hour before i found her again but in that vacuum I had no desire to have sex.

But seriously of course society, especially in the US, will promote sex. It even lays down rules as to how many dates before you should feel obligated. But these are man's rules for man's purposes.

Now if a man is frustrated at your refusal to go along with his desires, then first of all he is not interested in you but what your flesh affords. Fail. But from your viewpoint I am sure age, loneliness, etc plays a part in prompting feelings you might not otherwise have. It's a catch 22 situation.

But ask yourself this. Is personal satisfaction ( the self serving rally cry of youth today) the immediate goal or is long term friendship, stability and the like. Which is more enduring, personal relationships or friendships that place no pressure to perform.

Remember when people didn't have sex until married. Was not the purpose so that they would build their marriage on other priorities first? Sex is the great confuser. Personally I think we should all revert to the days when we hung out in groups, enjoyed the company and left the ownership and commitment problems to the adults

 

[Darkhorse]

I have not lost my spouse (thank God), but from my pre-marriage days, I would advise you to keep praying for God's direction and help in this matter. If He intends for you to marry someone, He will bring the two of you together. If not, know that it is for the best.

Of course, you should share the urgency of your desires with Him, and look for suitable men around you, but it may not happen right away. I dated actively for 9 years before meeting my wife, but I wandered off-track some, pursuing some ladies who were not Christian. God used it for good, though, and when I met my wife, He made it very clear that He brought us together.

I was somewhat slow to realize that, however.

As far as your poll question, if I was dating a lady and she ruled out sex before marriage, I respected that and didn't "write her off the list", even when I was very hungry for it. If a guy can't respect the importance of that decision, then he's not suitable material (however appealing he may be).

 

[SkyWriting]

I've been a widow 2 1/2 years. First year was really rough, emotionally. However my libido is starting to kick in & I've looked at all kinds of stuff scripturally. 1 Corr. 7:9 …8 Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.…

That being said, I have found it extremely difficult to meet what I would characterize as a "Godly" man. I came to the conclusion the Lord would open the doors he wants open & close those he wants closed. That has not really been the case. I'm very careful with my decisions & choices but boy it's been frustrating.

I would love to have a relationship (my husband was the best friend I ever had) but not at any price. None of us knows what will happen when the breath in us dies out. We have the promise of eternal life after death. I have the Lord, I have the Holy Spirit, I also have a desire for a full relationship.

I'm in a total quandary. I keep running into resistance from the men I meet. I don't think it's me. I think it's a sign of the times. I messed up once & I do not care to do that again.

How do you handle this mess?

Go to a different church every Sunday.

This is not my usual reason to recommend this, but it seems to apply here.

 

[Sam91]

I'm sorry for your loss.

The Bible is pretty clear about how we should live. Fornication is sexual immorality
and there are so many verses speaking against it.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't think most of the people commenting on her are widows or widowers. I don't think they "get" that there is no way you can imagine what it is like to lose your spouse and lover to death. This is a situation that isn't talked about that much in the Bible. All, I can say is that after my husband died, I could totally understand the verse about "burning with desire"... Although I never really considered myself to be a highly sexual person, my husband and I had a regular and frequent sex life (until he had to get radiation to the brain).

I don't have a solid answer for you. I deal with the confusion too. After 16 years of marriage, sex is a natural part of romance and intimacy to me. Holding hands and a small kiss aren't satisfying like they were before marriage. At the same time, I know that getting to physical is not the way to build a new relationship and can totally screw up a new relationship. The Bible values virginity. I have two wonderful proofs that I am not a virgin. This isn't about purity anymore.

There are Christian men out there who do believe in waiting until marriage...even for a second marriage, but not a lot. Be vocal early. My experience is that even Christian men are vocal about their expectations for sex so this isn't really a hard conversation...just awkward. It is important to just say "oh well" to even a wonderful person if they have strong feelings about having premarital sex.

I don't know that I have any answers. It is something I have struggled with when I have dated since my husband died. The other thing is realizing that building trust is something that needs to be built and that takes time. I tend to assume that I can trust a man because my husband was so trustworthy...but it isn't so. These are different people with different backgrounds and different issues. They don't know me and I don't know them. If you have trouble saying "no" after years of saying "yes", I suggest that you make a commitment to your self and God one date at a time. God knows this is a hard time for us and that it is a real struggle. I now see why God doesn't want young people to get sexually involve before marriage because once you open that bag, it is hard to shut it. Experience is what makes us sexual beings.

Honestly, I don't trust myself right now. Maybe that is why God has put dating for me on the back burner. I have lots of issues in my life that would make it easy to desire to find comfort in the arms of a man like I could do when my husband was alive.

Prayer. Call out to God. Listen to Him (the Holy Spirit can present as that "gut feeling"). Live each day as it comes. Remember that God does care and loves us even when we are feeling lonely and alone. If the good men are not showing up right now, consider that maybe God is saying "not yet, you are not strong enough". I have nothing more to say than "I do understand" and hate this part of widowed life.

 

[blackribbon]

I'm sorry for your loss.

The Bible is pretty clear about how we should live. Fornication is sexual immorality
and there are so many verses speaking against it.

What do you suggest a widow who was very sexually active before their spouse do with those urges? They exist because of a healthy God approved sex life. God acknowledges that this is something widows "burn" with when they had good marriages. "Get married" sounds great but how do we find these godly compatible men to marry so that we have an outlet for the desire we burn with?

I think you are taking a very shallow approach to a deep and real problem that requires more thoughtful guidance than "just don't do it" like is given to a teenager who is just starting out in life. We were sexually active and then suddenly aren't...nothing we did wrong...and it was an important way we expressed love and were loved.

 

[blackribbon]

Go to a different church every Sunday.

This is not my usual reason to recommend this, but it seems to apply here.

Bad advice. A widow needs to build a support system that won't come from bouncing from one church to another. She should (if she can) stay where people will know she needs some help and at least some understanding when does the strange things that we due when grieving.

 

[blackribbon]

I lost my wife while Christmas shopping a few years back. It was an hour before i found her again but in that vacuum I had no desire to have sex.

But seriously of course society, especially in the US, will promote sex. It even lays down rules as to how many dates before you should feel obligated. But these are man's rules for man's purposes.

Now if a man is frustrated at your refusal to go along with his desires, then first of all he is not interested in you but what your flesh affords. Fail. But from your viewpoint I am sure age, loneliness, etc plays a part in prompting feelings you might not otherwise have. It's a catch 22 situation.

But ask yourself this. Is personal satisfaction ( the self serving rally cry of youth today) the immediate goal or is long term friendship, stability and the like. Which is more enduring, personal relationships or friendships that place no pressure to perform.

Remember when people didn't have sex until married. Was not the purpose so that they would build their marriage on other priorities first? Sex is the great confuser. Personally I think we should all revert to the days when we hung out in groups, enjoyed the company and left the ownership and commitment problems to the adults

We know where our husbands are. It is nothing like losing your spouse for moment in a store.

 

[Sam91]

What do you suggest a widow who was very sexually active before their spouse do with those urges? They exist because of a healthy God approved sex life. God acknowledges that this is something widows "burn" with when they had good marriages. "Get married" sounds great but how do we find these godly compatible men to marry so that we have an outlet for the desire we burn with?

I think you are taking a very shallow approach to a deep and real problem that requires more thoughtful guidance than "just don't do it" like is given to a teenager who is just starting out in life. We were sexually active and then suddenly aren't...nothing we did wrong...and it was an important way we expressed love and were loved.

I do not know. I prayed to the Lord and he took away my desires, for the most part.

Saying the approach is shallow was actually a little hurtful. I must still have some pride. However, the bible explicitly states that fornication is sinful. It says strong things about sexual immorality, in so many verses.

It also says that 'there is no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.'

The bible is clear. It is also clear that God will help us.

Paul said in Philippians the he could do all things in Christ who strengthens him. Jesus told the people He healed to sin no more. The Bibles approach tells us with a lot of sins to just not do them. If we love Him we will obey Him.

It might not always be easy but...
'In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood' Hebrews 12:4.

I have found that sometimes when the decision to obey is made the yoke suddenly becomes light. I like to think that is God taking the weight of the burden once that step in faith is made.

I kept my answer brief because my own grief still hurts. It's only 3 years since he died of cancer. He died on the 19th December, his birthday was the 20th. The funeral was December 30th. It is a tough time of year, I didn't want to talk about it at length. But I know the Father is a great provider and gives much comfort and strength. We can only turn to Him.

 

[blackribbon]

I do not know. I prayed to the Lord and he took away my desires, for the most part.

Saying the approach is shallow was actually a little hurtful. I must still have some pride. However, the bible explicitly states that fornication is sinful. It says strong things about sexual immorality, in so many verses.

It also says that 'there is no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.'

The bible is clear. It is also clear that God will help us.

Paul said in Philippians the he could do all things in Christ who strengthens him. Jesus told the people He healed to sin no more. The Bibles approach tells us with a lot of sins to just not do them. If we love Him we will obey Him.

It might not always be easy but...
'In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood' Hebrews 12:4.

I have found that sometimes when the decision to obey is made the yoke suddenly becomes light. I like to think that is God taking the weight of the burden once that step in faith is made.

I kept my answer brief because my own grief still hurts. It's only 3 years since he died of cancer. But I know the Father is a great provider and gives much comfort and strength. We can only turn to Him.

Thank you. That is a real answer. When we support each other we need to admit the struggles and that pain doesn't go away in a couple months. I am sorry that you felt insulted by my response but I honestly took it as a glib, "just don't do it"...like it was something easy to face and deal with and not a daily struggle to figure out how to live without them.

I don't know. I don't ever feel like God has taken away the burden of my yoke...I just know that He is pulling with me and giving me the strength daily. I don't ever find anything "easy" anymore. I'd give anything to have even a male friend to lean on and have him just hold me from time to time. My hope lies in knowing that this world is temporary and so is my pain and struggles.

I genuinely know what you mean because I still feel the pain of grief and it has only been 10 years since my husband died in my arms. God has been there the whole 10 years though.

I am sorry for your loss. I really do feel your pain.

 

[Sam91]

Thank you. That is a real answer. When we support each other we need to admit the struggles and that pain doesn't go away in a couple months. I am sorry that you felt insulted by my response but I honestly took it as a glib, "just don't do it"...like it was something easy to face and deal with and not a daily struggle to figure out how to live without them.

I don't know. I don't ever feel like God has taken away the burden of my yoke...I just know that He is pulling with me and giving me the strength daily. I don't ever find anything "easy" anymore. I'd give anything to have even a male friend to lean on and have him just hold me from time to time. My hope lies in knowing that this world is temporary and so is my pain and struggles.

I genuinely know what you mean because I still feel the pain of grief and it has only been 10 years since my husband died in my arms. God has been there the whole 10 years though.

I am sorry for your loss. I really do feel your pain.

I'm glad that you didn't mean to offend. As I said it's obviously my pride.

He'll keep pulling you through. I know what you mean about your hope in being that the suffering on earth is temporary. I like to picture it as being like a grain of sand compare to eternity with Him.

He is our Shelter. I like to just sit in His shelter. I remember in the first year longing to get home so I could sit on my sofa and read the Bible so I could just rest in Him.
It was what kept me going while I was out and about.

 

[SkyWriting]

Bad advice. A widow needs to build a support system that won't come from bouncing from one church to another. She should (if she can) stay where people will know she needs some help and at least some understanding when does the strange things that we due when grieving.

Likely that's not working for her now.

 

[blackribbon]

Likely that's not working for her now.

Her issue is finding a Christian man who doesn't expect sex before marriage and how to address it when dating. How is changing church weekly going to address that...and why does that mean her current church isn't providing an adequate support system.

 

[timothyu]

Perhaps there are no speed dating potlucks.

 

[blackribbon]

Unless I am reading something wrong, I don't read that her issue is finding men to date but rather men who are willing to keep sex out of the relationship until marriage. I have found the same and most men flat out say they do expect sex in a dating relationship.

 

[timothyu]

Guess they aren't interested in friendship. Society has trained them well, Rights before responsibility and all that. Perhaps it is time to change a society that trains boys that girls are there for them from the time they put on their first football helmet.

 

[blackribbon]

Guess they aren't interested in friendship. Society has trained them well, Rights before responsibility and all that. Perhaps it is time to change a society that trains boys that girls are there for them from the time they put on their first football helmet.

This is your generation and the generation that yours raised that we are talking about who seem to believe they deserve sex in a dating relationship. The OP is 73 and I am 52.

 

[timothyu]

This is your generation and the generation that yours raised that we are talking about who seem to believe they deserve sex in a dating relationship. The OP is 73 and I am 52.

I think that attitude might also be influenced on where you live. Social norms are quite diverse.