Seperated & He's Found Someone Else

[Lfoxx]

Hello everyone, heres my situation. I was married to a man for 2 years.When I met him he was the perfect image of what I saw in a man. Came from a good family,good values,handsome ect ect.Well right off the bat he wanted to get married at the time I was a big drinker and cocktail waitressed and he would come and see me. He wasnt much of a drinker and I was.At the time I had some unresolved issues from my past that would reveal themselves when I would drink and be in a relationship.My father had abused me when I was 5 so my trust in men was non existent to say the least.Anyway we got married after a drunken fight and the real reason I married him was out of guilt and shame of my behavior.I remember waking up and seeing my clothes thrown around the room.I remember when we went to the court house the eerie feeling inmy stomache warning me of the mistake I was abou to make but i did it anyway. I thought that I could grow to love him.Needless to say that never happened.I always felt judged when I was around him and since we were from completely diffrent backrounds he couldnt understand where I was coming from. I was constanley being reminded of all the mistakes when drinking I had made, even things I had done prior the marriage.Ihad my issues and he had his.He had bipolar which would cause him to obsess about my past with him and even before we were together.The problems got worse and I started resenting him more because he wouldnt let me just be me.Before we met I was so carefree and had alot of friends and my independence.We went to therapy and tried to make things work but no matter what I simply could not be in love with him no matter what I tried.It was such a sad way to live. I remember driving and hearing love songs and just crying and asking God "will I ever feel the way the people singing these songs do" We went to church because I thought if we threw ourselves into church maybe things could change but even there at church I couldnt be myself or even pay attention at times because he would want to talk during the service which would upset me so much. I tried to get him to really get into church so he could be the spriritual leader and lead us both. I knew God could change anything but he just wouldnt respond and it ate at me. I left so many times and he would insist that we keep trying because we were married.Every day got worse and worse and I felt so hollow and life seemed so unfair.I knew that I had so much love to give but I couldnt love my own husband.So for the last time I left and its is finally over. At first I felt this feeling of being free and relieved.I had for the first time in years got to do what I wanted and hangout with the freinds I wanted to. Recently I heard from him and now he's going to church and he said he dove right in and now he's met a girl at church how lovely.It just gets to me because why couldnt he have paid attention and been receptive while we were together now he's met someone and he's my Christian which is what I wanted him to be for me all along.I am just so hurt by it because I dont understand why I had to go through a marriage for any lesson. Now he's happy and moved on and has become what I wanted while we were married.A big part of me wants to just go back to my old ways and drink myself out of sadness but I know that will just get me into a scene that is not good for me. I pray and hope to get your prayers that was meant to hurt me will help me to grow stronger and be my wakeup call. I just wish that I didnt have to go through a failed marriage for all of this....advice insight and prayers are much appreciated.

 

[kanga22]

I don't think I have much advice, but wanted to say that we have a lot in common. I don't have much perspective yet either, I'm just at the beginning of my relationship/heartbreak iceberg.

I was sexually abused as a child by a family member (could have been my father). I'm not clear on any of it because my brain has blocked the actual memory. But, between therapists pointing things out, re-occuring childhood dreams, two emotionally disturbed/confused sisters, and my promiscuous past behavior I know I must have been abused. Oh, and like you, I also have a tendency to turn to alcohol.

Admitting to these things and thinking about what is happening in my marriage (20 year relationship w/ two young children) right now makes me very sad. I don't have anything more to add at the moment.

 

[Bridgit]

Lfoxx,

I would like to help you but feel that I need to know if you are divorced or still married and if you are a christian.

Hang in there!

 

[Sugarjay]

Lfoxx, Do you want him back or are you just mourning the loss of him because he has another woman? Sometimes we feel we lost that security blanket once the other person gets another mate. You left for a reason and the fact you "think" he is the man you always wanted does not mean you were meant to be together. Make sense?

Have you dealt with your issues from your childhood? If you have not you will not be any good to any relationship you get into in the future. You owe it to yourself and your next partner to have those issues resolved. A relationship is hard enough to maintain it only makes it more difficult if you bring the unresolved issues into it. My ex was sexually abused as a child and I know she has not dealt with that and it resulted in the demise or our marriage. I am not saying this was the cause and I was not at fault, because we both made mistakes. I think you know what I mean.

Definitely DO NOT start drinking as all it does is mask the problems and depress you further. People tend to drink or do drugs until they find another partner and then the new partner is their new drug. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can be the person you should be for you partner. Turn to God and ask him to help you through your issues. Not just the marriage issues but the abuse and what ever else may be troubling you.

Take care of yourself Lfoxx

 

[kanga22]

I've learned that you HAVE to work through the pain. Do it with any support you can find; friends, books, therapists, pastors, etc. With my recent heartbreak I first turned to alcohol. Then I tried my usual next best friend, a book. Fortunetly I found the perfect book that I needed to clear my head and think straight. The book is "It's called a Breakup because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Routola-Behrendt.

After my head was clear and I was sober again, I turned to the most important book in my collection - the Holy Bible. And, I started talking to God and listening. Alcohol won't help you with your problems. I know that it can be so painful that you just think you're going to die. Alcohol numbs that feeling for awhile. But, in order to get through it, you have to be willing to GO through it, not hide. The Lord will give you the strength that you need. Pray without ceasing.

 

[Lfoxx]

Hello everyone and thank you so much for the feedback in response to some questions that were asked. No were not divorced yet but soon will be and no I dont want him back. Lately I've been feeling that I should just be happy that he has met someone in church. I just felt hurt, saddened and that God may have given him favor over me. I can say this though I never have blamed God or been mad at him for the whole situation which makes me think I have grown spiritualy. I am a Christian and have been saved since I was about 13. There is not a day that goes by that I dont eaither Pray to God, Praise God, or talk to him. I know I have so much to deal with and I know that drinking is not a good thing for me right now. My father was also an alcoholic which I'm starting to think the trait passed down to me but maybe not....maybe when I get through this inner battle im dealing with maybe then I can drink socially and not to the point where I have to be scared what kind of monster may come out with the person Im dating that is because like I said I dont get mean around my friends its only boyfriends. On the flip side I feel that God wouldnt want to put the right person in my life right now because theres so much work that needs to be done. Sugarjay you know I never thought about it liek the way you put it when you said you escape from your problems with drugs or alcohol untill you meet someone and then they become your drug....you are so right about that maybe thats why I've been feeling this way. Alot of me was so jelouse when I heard the news of the x meeting someone in the church because I always wished that I could be in a relationship with someone I met and was heavily involved in church a strong man of Christ wow how awesome that would be. I mean thats why I strived so hard to get my husband at the time to get involved but it just didnt happen with us. So here I am now on my own. I cant imagine life without drinking how sad is that? Does that mean Im ann alcholic? All of my friends drink but they are conservative drinkers and can socially drink. I wish I could meet Christian friends who were like me and I could relate to. I guess I need to get invoved in church more. I just cant imagine life without drinking and that blows me away.

 

[Deborah6763]

yes, based on what you are saying, it does sound as if you have alcoholic tendencies.

Take it to the Lord. And ask Him to send you some Christian friends. Start there and then see what God does next.

Just take it one step at a time.

Blessings to you!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Be thankful you only lost 2 years to this cheater.

You might want to consider going to an AA meeting and see if its right for you or not. There is no obligation and its anonymous. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Better to deal with this before it deals with you, one way or another.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

I don't have any advice..... I'm sorry about your situation, hurt etc.
The thing that stuck out to me was the part about "God showing him favor" Don't believe it. God loves you every bit as much as he loves him. He died for us all.

 

[imaniingod]

Oh my sister I am praying for you! Dont go back to drinking that is just trying to feel a void but guess what? That void will still be there. When mother and father forsake me the Lord will lift me up! Get into a good bible based church. If you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me any time.
God is all that you need. The pain will go away. I will be praying for you.

 

[imaniingod]

Do You Go To Pastor Osteen's Church?

 

[kristybear]

hey sweetie - I hope you are doing well. The best thing is to be confident. I know it seems hopeless, but wallowing is not going to affect anyone but you, it will only bring you down. i know people already said something, but drinking is just a part of wallowing in your sorrows, and i definitely think it's healthy to grieve, but fight that urge, because it could get worse, and bring you down even further. Fight for your life! Fight to thrive! your worth is and never was in your husband, it's in your soul and the fruits of what God does in your life if you let him. Trust me, I struggle like crazy with trust, and if God really knows what he's doing, but I try to hang out with those who encourage me and lift me up, so I remain strong in Him, not weakened by the world.