Seperated, and trying

[John G]

My wife and i separated in September 2018
I am to blame, and accept the fault.
I was a long way from God, was lying and being deceptive, and putting on a facade to hide anger, depression and aggression issues.
I have done an anger course, on medication for the depression and am working on the aggression (my phone calls/conversations with her still can escalate from nice and calm to aggressive far too fast)
She has my kids who are under 18, I have our 20 year old son living here, and my 21 year old son is out on his own. (well living with his fiance, but I can't argue over that anymore.. that is between him and God)
The church we attended (and she worked for) sacked her when we separated, and has since made her homeless (an AVO is in place... so she can't live with me, and atm wouldn't)

My history of lying, anger and aggression and nonchalant attitude to her asking me to find some help, didn't help.

We talk. Mostly by phone. We rarely meet for lunch but its a 10 minute thing, and if I mention 'us' at any point that conversation is shut down very fast. "change the topic or I am leaving"

We met young, 16/22 and married young, 18/24 and had a baby before marriage.
We were loved and counseled quite well at that time, but 25 years on this feels like broken, or worse.
Church 'friends' have faded away, and even copped nasty, angry criticism from some.

I realise my mistakes, have spent many hours in prayer and digging deep into books. Louie Giglio... the Comeback... is my current read.
I am speaking to a Christian Counselor who is helping me tread carefully through this.

Why am I here? I am looking for a story of hope I guess.

I have said to many people.. I feel this lovely women was put in my life by God (I left my home, traveled 500+ km (300+ miles) into a place I knew no one really, and was lead to a church event, where I met her)
And she has forgiven me so many times. But being able to trust me again "feels just too hard" (her words)

I trust God in this, and feel pain when I just don't connect with her, or slip and play the victim because of the depression/aggression.. or blame my father (a violent schizophrenic)
But I know this is about me.
I just want her to see me be who she needed me to be, not what I made the mistake of becoming.

Thanks

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hey John.

I'm divorced from an abusive ex. (remarried now), so I can give you some insight, perhaps.

My ex was like your father, a violent schizophrenic. You might not be that bad, but the patterns of a victim are likely very similar.

Life as you know isn't easy when you can't predict someones behavior, especially when you live with them. At one point the prediction is that "I'm going to do something "wrong", no matter how hard you try".

That's your wife - and there are scars from that. She used to blame herself every single time you got angry. She used to try not to upset you, until the day it dawned on her that it wasn't her fault.

That's a huge shift emotionally speaking, and it's usually a VERY serious occurrence where it finally dawns on a person whose been a victim that it wasn't their fault.

For me, my ex had been punching me while i was curled up in a ball in the corner for around 45 minutes. But my daughter woke and she became terrified because he was killing me or that he would kill me. She was only 5 and even though I taught the kids to hide in their closet when he got like that she didn't hide that night, but tried instead to stop him.

She jumped on his back screaming stop over and over, then he grabbed her off his back and threw her across the room, she hit the wall and I was going to jump up hoping to grab her and run out of the room to protect her.

Except what I saw when I turned, in the moment that I turned around shocked me, and changed everything forever. I saw a man who didn't know what was happening, who didn't realize he had just beat me half to death, who didn't have a clue what he was doing or what he had been doing.

And in that moment every threat that kept me from leaving to that point stopped mattering, because in that moment I realized that I was dead whether I stayed or left, and once your a walking dead person you figure you may as well take your chance in the leaving. There is hope there, if even for a day of peace.

Now.. certainly your situation might not be as severe, but whatever happened when she realized nothing she could do would fix things, also made you the monster.

Before that moment she was at fault, she could do better, she could fix it. Then she realized she'd never be able to.

She is scared of you. She is scared of being under your thumb again. She is frightened of being the person always at fault and walking on egg shells...

Patterns don't go away easy. And right now she is learning to see her own self in truth right now instead of the person she is through your eyes. She is, for the first time, meeting herself.

She is learning what her true capabilities are. How intelligent she is. What her real faults are and what they are not, and what her positive qualities are and what they are not.

It can take years to work through a lifetime of trauma, if you ever truly get over it at all.

It took me two years after leaving my ex to stop waking up screaming every night, because every night I relived some episode of my past in my dreams. My kids and I used to sleep together as a result for a long time because of the nightmares.

There is a lot your wife is dealing with in her own emotions. It took me over a decade of healing before I could even consider being with someone else, and a long time after that not knowing how I could trust my own decisions considering my past.

You may never be able to be with your wife ever again. She may be too damaged at your hand. But if there is a chance, it will be in you stopping being the monster. And that's not something you can convince her of. That is time and time alone of being someone who is predictable in a good and positive way.

As a result your best bet is to do you.

 

[John G]

Thanks for your story, and I am sorry you had to go through any of it.
I have done a domestic offenders rehab style course, and the stories we heard there were also shocking.
I thank God I was never physically violent, my weapon of choice, as such, was my very loud booming voice. And before it is noted, I am now (because of the course, honestly) very aware that can be more harmful than the threat of physical violence.

Just to jump in.. I have some very honest discussions with her about 'ús' when she choose to bring it up, and that is her choice.. My anger, my use of my tone and sadly, me ignoring her emotions ( something I feel I dragged out of my childhood - working on childhood issues atm, including my father trying to kill both myself and my sister at one point... ) were very strong topics for her.

My end goal is to work hard enough to be able to celebrate a restored family.
The hard part is putting that 100% in God's hands.

And one thing I struggle so very hard with is our church (a worldwide movement. mind you) failed to really offer either of us support, very little encouragement and in fact pushed both of us away quite harshly
Being that I was born 'into it' and have been in it since birth, and she walked out of drug and alcohol addiction at 15 into it.. then was a paid worker for 7 years (I am avoiding actually naming them, I can't find any rules for/against calling out bad church practices/naming) rocked my faith.
Not in God, but in the organisation of it, and how a lot of its boasting of helping others... was a lie when it came down to 'some of their own'

A conversation I had with my counselor went something like; If you were far from God, from from her, and mishandling your family... why would God not take the chance to reset you?

I guess I have to remember to use the fruits of the spirit.. including a very large serve of patience.

My 5 year old inspired me to keep looking up.

"Dad, I am going to ring the police"
"Why would you have to do that (boys name)"
"Because you are much nicer, and I want you to come back now"


Thanks