- Oct 8, 2018
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Ok so something happened to me that brings a major sort of questions into my life that I can’t find the answers to. First Back in January I decided to repent of all my known sins I knew were wrong. I’ve been a Christian all my life but knew I had never truly surrendered to God, therefore I decided to do it I gave up what I knew was wrong at that time my girlfriend and I started being good that sort of stuff. I felt great, a few weeks went by still feeling great then one day after watching a YouTube video I heard God tell me to sell my things now back up, all the year before I got a new job and bought a few things nothing extremely expensive or nice but they were nice for me and my job is a medium salary here in the United States not complaining just saying. Anyway back to the subject after I was sure I heard that from the Lord I was surprised but I knew exactly what he meant the things I had been buying recently so not absolutely everything and I didn’t hear what to do with the money after I sold these things. However I was like ok I don’t really want to do this but Lord if this is your will please help. Fast forward 24 hours during my lunch break the next day I watched another YouTube video about someone who claims to have been to hell or almost died (side note I started repenting because I watched a YouTube about a girl who said Jesus told her she would burn in hell for having sex or fornicating outside of marriage and from then on I started watching videos of people saying they died and went to hell and were brought back or people who had a vision of the same thing and Christians claiming they died or had a NDE and went to hell I also have been watching YouTube pastors like Tim Conway, Michael Chriswell, and OTG Ministries and another guy on Instagram called “The Jesus Freak” more on these later) anyway after that video of a guy claiming he’d been to hell I started to get a really bad feeling so I decided I needed to repent knowing I didn’t really want to sell my things and not doing or wanting to do it was not good. I laid on the floor to pray (most humble way I thought I should) but I felt something tell me “I will withdraw myself from you until you do this” and immediately all my joy left me and it felt like somebody pouring a black darkness into my heart (best description) like a depression I had never felt like someone standing on my heart I didn’t feel like eating for few days and even cried (not something I do much).
Anyway this happened a few months ago ever since then I have been searching this site, YouTube, and all over the internet for answers, encouragement, or something and yes the Bible however I will admit the more I read the Bible the more I am discouraged the toughest parts are the Words Of Jesus cut off thy hand or be thrown into hell in other words don’t sin or go to hell I always thought salvation wasn’t works or don’t do this don’t do that but that is exactly what Jesus is saying in my opinion, don’t do this don’t do that or go to hell then I start thinking well that’s simple enough don’t sin ok, but then I start wondering what is and what isn’t a sin and then everything seems to be a sin like if you don’t clean up after your dog in the park it’s a sin if you drive to fast it’s a sin. But then I see the YouTube preachers and others saying repent of all sin or your going to hell don’t have idols and which they say is anything you love more than God I do agree but then I feel so guilty when I do something like play guitar and makes me wonder how do these preachers live like this and they sum it up with be more like Jesus Or as close as you can and if your not trying your going to hell Tim Conway even tells his congregation some of them are going to hell and I’m like well what is the whole point of even preaching if you think so few are going to be saved again Jesus says “enter in the strait gate for few be there that find it” so I think ok what do I have to do to be one of the few. It’s discouraging cause all my life I’ve made mistakes I seem to always be wrong when I’m sure I’m right then bam I look like an idiot, maybe it’s cause I am and then I think are people like me all going to hell then I read and listen this stuff and everybody’s like amen in the comment section and I just wonder do they really think they are right with God I know for certain I am a sinner and not worthy of Heaven even if I never sinned again I still would know that.
Which brings me to my next question what is a work I hear some these preachers say it’s by grace not of works you are saved and then turn around and be like don’t have any habitual sin or willful sin in your life or your going to hell I myself kind of do still believe that. But I question isn’t all sin willful if not is all sin the same willful or not and if not just how to they live in order to not have this or get rid of it. The only way I see that is possible, is to live exactly like Jesus, walk the streets with hardly any belongings only what you absolutely need relying totally on God for everything (which I do anyway relying on faith in God for everything that is as far as life goes I’m sure I could more but I wonder if the things I have or me being an American whose small salary in this country is significantly more than anybody else in the world which I am extremely grateful for but does that mean I should live my life like taking any money I make and buy only absolutely what I need and give all the rest away this is the same question I have for the types of people I’ve mentioned) anyway basically live exactly like Jesus in order to be a true Christian or saved or going to heaven but doesn’t that sound like some people who say live like that. What someone lived like that and just did it as a work and when they get to Heaven there like ok I should get in because I did this this and that and totally don’t mention Jesus as savior?
Brings me to my next question didn’t Jesus pay the price for all sins because the way like Tim Conway preaches the Gospel is centered around sin and how to get rid of it and not Jesus Christ who saves or instead centered around you and your effort to not sin in order to keep salvation. Did Jesus die to save us from our sinful nature, habitats or all our sins or to save us by helping us quit sinning or did he die to save us from hell?
So with my situation thinking I have lost the Holy Spirt is the same as not being saved anymore because I haven’t sold my things. Which is like some other things I’ve heard like salvation is a free gift but you got to keep it. However with my situation thinking the Holy Spirit left me I know it’s possible to think I was under some kind of spiritual attack when I heard this but I’m scared to question that cause I don’t want to blasphemy the Holy Spirit so I guess you could say I’m more scared than I am confused I wonder why if God wanted me to do something why would he remove the Holy Spirit from me and the Holy Spirit helping me do it.
I feel rather foolish for posting and telling other people about this it could be OCD could not I don’t know I’ve always thought God made me just the way I am for a reason. I’ve told my pastor, parents, and few others about this and I feel foolish none of them made me feel that way and even gave me helpful advice in a way. But I could kind of feel they may think this is silly of me. Part of me wants to think that however I am taking it very seriously I consider where I am going for entirnity my number one worry (but should it be a worry) why would salvation be so complicated and why would it be so complicated keeping it. Paul names the kind of people that won’t make it to heaven in Corinthians I can’t remember all them adulterers, murderers I’m not saying everybody is one but the way I understand it just one thought about either of those makes you one and all though thinking about murder certainly isn’t common I hope not anyway but adultery or any other sin or idolater, if just the thought of one or owning stuff we may idolize somehow keeps us out. Then I don’t know how anybody I know is making it to heaven. At least here in America I’ve always been taught to work hard for your money and maybe you can have something as long as it doesn’t get in between you in God. At least I didn’t think it was getting in the way maybe I was wrong.
Also I’m not saying the things Paul listed are ok or sort of ok no. But I am saying everybody that says people are going to hell for stuff do they really live Holy enough? I try not to scall people too much for things they do wrong cause I’m no better than them but I admit I haven’t always been able to do that. Also with repentance of sins what if you cheated back in college doesn’t matter how much little or small knowing that shouldn’t you go back admit it turn your degree or they take it away whatever happens and lose your job cause of it shouldn’t you do that if your repenting of your sins. Maybe thats a little extreme or is it, it’s a question I have.
Anyway I guess where I’m getting at these people claim get rid of all sin but when I start doing that I start to wonder if everything is a sin if your not doing exactly like Jesus did cause he was without sin. In my opinion they are not their on a computer or phone there not on the street totally giving up all for God which to me is what I hear when I hear surrender your life to Christ the picture of that is Jesus but people who say that doesn’t appear to do what there saying maybe I’m judging too much probably am and I apologize.
Anyway I could go on and on and I apologize for the long post I hate reading them to. But I’m looking for some correction, joy, hope, and assurance. But I admit thinking that once you get saved it’s so easy to lose it is tough and can be discouraging, cause my worst enemy I admit is me sometimes. I listened to this guy called The Jesus Freak I mentioned earlier who went on and on on one of his post about how Christians shouldn’t always be going on about love, love this love that all lovy dovy I guess. But is that not why God sent his son to die for us because he “so LOVED the world” and he showed us that through the cross. I also came across a guy called finalcall07 but I kind of thought from the start he was a little off, but what if he’s preaching the truth.
Also I’ve read several different interpretations of scripture and verses which one is right? I guess I’m at a point I thought I knew God but maybe I didn’t. Again guys like Tim Conway and Michael Chriswell when they preach I hear no joy Tim looks like he’s been beat when he preaches and Micheal acts like he is so scared he’s going to disobey God any moment. Which I understand we are to fear God which I do I’m not afraid of demons or haunted house or whatever I am scared of God in fact just about terrified now of him. Is that how we Christians are suppose to live totally passive or worrying about our flesh and sin, living in total fear or should we only repent or come to Jesus all cause of fear of hell? It seems every doctrine starts with you are saved by grace BUT there’s always something to keeping it or something else thrown in there could it really be as simple as just believing and yes I mean truly believing and trusting Jesus to save you. Not just acknowledging him.Along with loving and knowing him in a relationship with him.
Which makes me wonder are those things works? Like believing I don’t really think it is. Or in order to know him must you completely obey or to keep knowing him. Where’s the line between legalistic and being Christian or was Jesus teaching us to be legalistic I don’t know. Why does the book of John seem to be a little different than the other 3. I feel convicted of everything now maybe I should. I like rock music cause I like the guitar riffs in them but is it a sin, what you do what you listen to I agree I don’t like stuff that sends a bad message. Does that mean Christians that get divorced just cause they can’t get along go to hell? I know all these questions is all probably for another post topic I agree, I’m just writing my thoughts so to speak and I’ll admit it feels good to write some of them out.
Anyway but back to my situation why would the Holy Spirit leave me cause I didn’t do something for God and now when I finally decide to go through with this will I not be doing it just thinking ok let’s get it over with isn’t that not right?Also does that mean I could never have a hobby or own anything nice again. I haven’t brought up the rich young ruler yet but in his case what if he would of done exactly what Jesus told him and did all that just out of obligation and on the other hand if it was all a matter of the heart how in the world was he able to change his heart to do it all willfully. Also since he didn’t do it did he go to hell? Jesus told him how to get to Heaven follow the 10 commandments. However Jesus told his disciples “with men it is impossible but God all things are possible” was everything about the rich young ruler to prove no matter what he did selling his things or not he couldn’t earn salvation. But the other places in the Bible seem to call to sell all or not have many worldly possessions in fact very little at all. Americans sometime say well you see it’s hard for rich person to enter heaven that’s what he’s saying but they don’t realize the poorest man in America is still considered rich in the world which includes them to.
This is a complicated post believe me I know I’m just trying to get it all out there. But it brings this giant question sort of into one. In order for me to have a relationship with Jesus I’ve got to do this (sell my things) or in order for me to be saved, maybe it’s two different things I don’t know. One of the things I have to sell I even use in church is a guitar I already sold the amp and a few of the other things but it didn’t make me feel any better and I should note besides the guitar and the amp these aren’t just things I can sell anywhere to anybody they involve special legal paper work if you guessed it great. So I kind of have to do a little more to make sure it’s done right not really a big deal though. I also bought another guitar amp cause I needed one I haven’t felt as guiltily about it but I probably should sell just in case and another question are we Christians suppose to treat our consciences as God telling us something or the Holy Spirit convicting us of sin?
Cause I fell convicted of almost everything even stuff I know may not be a sin but I’m not sure so I feel I must make myself humble and sorry and ask for forgiveness for it most of the time it’s a thought and I feel guilty if I’m not sorry or humble. But anyway I feel must truly repent of it I feel like people who preach this aren’t always doing this but I’m not going to say anymore about that. Anyway I could tell you all a lot more about my life and go deeper into it maybe I will later. Also no I’m not looking for a counselor I don’t think I’m really any different than anybody else. But when I feel I want to know something I just keep digging for an answer in this case that and some joy and hope.
I know that all goes back to prayer but I just don’t trust my thoughts or anything else I might somehow hear as if it’s coming from God but doing that makes me afraid I might harden my heart and be deceived like the Bible says. I also feel when I pray if I don’t feel like it was sincere I need do it till it is that brings in repetition I know that’s bad but sometimes I feel convicted or guilty when I pray I know that’s probably not right but then maybe there’s a reason for it.
But I question did I love these things too much if so I’m scared to love anything. Also I kind of thought the Christian life is loving, being kind and helpful whenever you get the chance like at work or wherever God has placed you. I know I asked a lot of questions and my grammar and spelling isn’t the best, but the main thing I want is input on about me hearing to sell my things and the Holy Spirit withdrawing from me cause I haven’t done that. Also anyone with similar experiences would be helpful to. Also I know I didn’t introduce myself I apologize this is my first post I think I’m in the right forum if not correct me I’m 27 and have been a Christian Baptist all my life. Anyway thanks for reading.
Anyway this happened a few months ago ever since then I have been searching this site, YouTube, and all over the internet for answers, encouragement, or something and yes the Bible however I will admit the more I read the Bible the more I am discouraged the toughest parts are the Words Of Jesus cut off thy hand or be thrown into hell in other words don’t sin or go to hell I always thought salvation wasn’t works or don’t do this don’t do that but that is exactly what Jesus is saying in my opinion, don’t do this don’t do that or go to hell then I start thinking well that’s simple enough don’t sin ok, but then I start wondering what is and what isn’t a sin and then everything seems to be a sin like if you don’t clean up after your dog in the park it’s a sin if you drive to fast it’s a sin. But then I see the YouTube preachers and others saying repent of all sin or your going to hell don’t have idols and which they say is anything you love more than God I do agree but then I feel so guilty when I do something like play guitar and makes me wonder how do these preachers live like this and they sum it up with be more like Jesus Or as close as you can and if your not trying your going to hell Tim Conway even tells his congregation some of them are going to hell and I’m like well what is the whole point of even preaching if you think so few are going to be saved again Jesus says “enter in the strait gate for few be there that find it” so I think ok what do I have to do to be one of the few. It’s discouraging cause all my life I’ve made mistakes I seem to always be wrong when I’m sure I’m right then bam I look like an idiot, maybe it’s cause I am and then I think are people like me all going to hell then I read and listen this stuff and everybody’s like amen in the comment section and I just wonder do they really think they are right with God I know for certain I am a sinner and not worthy of Heaven even if I never sinned again I still would know that.
Which brings me to my next question what is a work I hear some these preachers say it’s by grace not of works you are saved and then turn around and be like don’t have any habitual sin or willful sin in your life or your going to hell I myself kind of do still believe that. But I question isn’t all sin willful if not is all sin the same willful or not and if not just how to they live in order to not have this or get rid of it. The only way I see that is possible, is to live exactly like Jesus, walk the streets with hardly any belongings only what you absolutely need relying totally on God for everything (which I do anyway relying on faith in God for everything that is as far as life goes I’m sure I could more but I wonder if the things I have or me being an American whose small salary in this country is significantly more than anybody else in the world which I am extremely grateful for but does that mean I should live my life like taking any money I make and buy only absolutely what I need and give all the rest away this is the same question I have for the types of people I’ve mentioned) anyway basically live exactly like Jesus in order to be a true Christian or saved or going to heaven but doesn’t that sound like some people who say live like that. What someone lived like that and just did it as a work and when they get to Heaven there like ok I should get in because I did this this and that and totally don’t mention Jesus as savior?
Brings me to my next question didn’t Jesus pay the price for all sins because the way like Tim Conway preaches the Gospel is centered around sin and how to get rid of it and not Jesus Christ who saves or instead centered around you and your effort to not sin in order to keep salvation. Did Jesus die to save us from our sinful nature, habitats or all our sins or to save us by helping us quit sinning or did he die to save us from hell?
So with my situation thinking I have lost the Holy Spirt is the same as not being saved anymore because I haven’t sold my things. Which is like some other things I’ve heard like salvation is a free gift but you got to keep it. However with my situation thinking the Holy Spirit left me I know it’s possible to think I was under some kind of spiritual attack when I heard this but I’m scared to question that cause I don’t want to blasphemy the Holy Spirit so I guess you could say I’m more scared than I am confused I wonder why if God wanted me to do something why would he remove the Holy Spirit from me and the Holy Spirit helping me do it.
I feel rather foolish for posting and telling other people about this it could be OCD could not I don’t know I’ve always thought God made me just the way I am for a reason. I’ve told my pastor, parents, and few others about this and I feel foolish none of them made me feel that way and even gave me helpful advice in a way. But I could kind of feel they may think this is silly of me. Part of me wants to think that however I am taking it very seriously I consider where I am going for entirnity my number one worry (but should it be a worry) why would salvation be so complicated and why would it be so complicated keeping it. Paul names the kind of people that won’t make it to heaven in Corinthians I can’t remember all them adulterers, murderers I’m not saying everybody is one but the way I understand it just one thought about either of those makes you one and all though thinking about murder certainly isn’t common I hope not anyway but adultery or any other sin or idolater, if just the thought of one or owning stuff we may idolize somehow keeps us out. Then I don’t know how anybody I know is making it to heaven. At least here in America I’ve always been taught to work hard for your money and maybe you can have something as long as it doesn’t get in between you in God. At least I didn’t think it was getting in the way maybe I was wrong.
Also I’m not saying the things Paul listed are ok or sort of ok no. But I am saying everybody that says people are going to hell for stuff do they really live Holy enough? I try not to scall people too much for things they do wrong cause I’m no better than them but I admit I haven’t always been able to do that. Also with repentance of sins what if you cheated back in college doesn’t matter how much little or small knowing that shouldn’t you go back admit it turn your degree or they take it away whatever happens and lose your job cause of it shouldn’t you do that if your repenting of your sins. Maybe thats a little extreme or is it, it’s a question I have.
Anyway I guess where I’m getting at these people claim get rid of all sin but when I start doing that I start to wonder if everything is a sin if your not doing exactly like Jesus did cause he was without sin. In my opinion they are not their on a computer or phone there not on the street totally giving up all for God which to me is what I hear when I hear surrender your life to Christ the picture of that is Jesus but people who say that doesn’t appear to do what there saying maybe I’m judging too much probably am and I apologize.
Anyway I could go on and on and I apologize for the long post I hate reading them to. But I’m looking for some correction, joy, hope, and assurance. But I admit thinking that once you get saved it’s so easy to lose it is tough and can be discouraging, cause my worst enemy I admit is me sometimes. I listened to this guy called The Jesus Freak I mentioned earlier who went on and on on one of his post about how Christians shouldn’t always be going on about love, love this love that all lovy dovy I guess. But is that not why God sent his son to die for us because he “so LOVED the world” and he showed us that through the cross. I also came across a guy called finalcall07 but I kind of thought from the start he was a little off, but what if he’s preaching the truth.
Also I’ve read several different interpretations of scripture and verses which one is right? I guess I’m at a point I thought I knew God but maybe I didn’t. Again guys like Tim Conway and Michael Chriswell when they preach I hear no joy Tim looks like he’s been beat when he preaches and Micheal acts like he is so scared he’s going to disobey God any moment. Which I understand we are to fear God which I do I’m not afraid of demons or haunted house or whatever I am scared of God in fact just about terrified now of him. Is that how we Christians are suppose to live totally passive or worrying about our flesh and sin, living in total fear or should we only repent or come to Jesus all cause of fear of hell? It seems every doctrine starts with you are saved by grace BUT there’s always something to keeping it or something else thrown in there could it really be as simple as just believing and yes I mean truly believing and trusting Jesus to save you. Not just acknowledging him.Along with loving and knowing him in a relationship with him.
Which makes me wonder are those things works? Like believing I don’t really think it is. Or in order to know him must you completely obey or to keep knowing him. Where’s the line between legalistic and being Christian or was Jesus teaching us to be legalistic I don’t know. Why does the book of John seem to be a little different than the other 3. I feel convicted of everything now maybe I should. I like rock music cause I like the guitar riffs in them but is it a sin, what you do what you listen to I agree I don’t like stuff that sends a bad message. Does that mean Christians that get divorced just cause they can’t get along go to hell? I know all these questions is all probably for another post topic I agree, I’m just writing my thoughts so to speak and I’ll admit it feels good to write some of them out.
Anyway but back to my situation why would the Holy Spirit leave me cause I didn’t do something for God and now when I finally decide to go through with this will I not be doing it just thinking ok let’s get it over with isn’t that not right?Also does that mean I could never have a hobby or own anything nice again. I haven’t brought up the rich young ruler yet but in his case what if he would of done exactly what Jesus told him and did all that just out of obligation and on the other hand if it was all a matter of the heart how in the world was he able to change his heart to do it all willfully. Also since he didn’t do it did he go to hell? Jesus told him how to get to Heaven follow the 10 commandments. However Jesus told his disciples “with men it is impossible but God all things are possible” was everything about the rich young ruler to prove no matter what he did selling his things or not he couldn’t earn salvation. But the other places in the Bible seem to call to sell all or not have many worldly possessions in fact very little at all. Americans sometime say well you see it’s hard for rich person to enter heaven that’s what he’s saying but they don’t realize the poorest man in America is still considered rich in the world which includes them to.
This is a complicated post believe me I know I’m just trying to get it all out there. But it brings this giant question sort of into one. In order for me to have a relationship with Jesus I’ve got to do this (sell my things) or in order for me to be saved, maybe it’s two different things I don’t know. One of the things I have to sell I even use in church is a guitar I already sold the amp and a few of the other things but it didn’t make me feel any better and I should note besides the guitar and the amp these aren’t just things I can sell anywhere to anybody they involve special legal paper work if you guessed it great. So I kind of have to do a little more to make sure it’s done right not really a big deal though. I also bought another guitar amp cause I needed one I haven’t felt as guiltily about it but I probably should sell just in case and another question are we Christians suppose to treat our consciences as God telling us something or the Holy Spirit convicting us of sin?
Cause I fell convicted of almost everything even stuff I know may not be a sin but I’m not sure so I feel I must make myself humble and sorry and ask for forgiveness for it most of the time it’s a thought and I feel guilty if I’m not sorry or humble. But anyway I feel must truly repent of it I feel like people who preach this aren’t always doing this but I’m not going to say anymore about that. Anyway I could tell you all a lot more about my life and go deeper into it maybe I will later. Also no I’m not looking for a counselor I don’t think I’m really any different than anybody else. But when I feel I want to know something I just keep digging for an answer in this case that and some joy and hope.
I know that all goes back to prayer but I just don’t trust my thoughts or anything else I might somehow hear as if it’s coming from God but doing that makes me afraid I might harden my heart and be deceived like the Bible says. I also feel when I pray if I don’t feel like it was sincere I need do it till it is that brings in repetition I know that’s bad but sometimes I feel convicted or guilty when I pray I know that’s probably not right but then maybe there’s a reason for it.
But I question did I love these things too much if so I’m scared to love anything. Also I kind of thought the Christian life is loving, being kind and helpful whenever you get the chance like at work or wherever God has placed you. I know I asked a lot of questions and my grammar and spelling isn’t the best, but the main thing I want is input on about me hearing to sell my things and the Holy Spirit withdrawing from me cause I haven’t done that. Also anyone with similar experiences would be helpful to. Also I know I didn’t introduce myself I apologize this is my first post I think I’m in the right forum if not correct me I’m 27 and have been a Christian Baptist all my life. Anyway thanks for reading.
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