Seeking Dating Advice: Are We Unequally Yoked?

[Jadegb]

I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now. We're both in our early 20s and are sincerely on the same page about so many important values and goals. He is kind, considerate, and genuinely listens to me. Nevertheless, I wonder if I agreed to be in a relationship with him sooner than I should have. He's dealing with a lot of church hurt and does not have the strongest relationship with the Lord. I have seen him put forth an effort to be more deliberate in his walk and he has expressed that my being with him has brought him closer to God. He loves that I encourage him to go to church and to be more intentional in his pursuit of the Lord. This is all really great but he has come to an understanding that anything short of sexual intercourse should be okay for us to engage in while we are dating. I don't share these convictions and he cannot seem to comprehend why. I know he won't intentionally pressure me into anything that I am not comfortable engaging in but I don't want to open myself up to falling into sexual sin because, in all honesty, knowing that this is an expectation of his is pressure in itself. I haven't been the strongest with maintaining my boundaries but I am determined to do better moving forward. I feel like there's only so much talking we can do about the issue and I haven't reached the threshold of what I could potentially say, but I realize that it's not my responsibility to convince him of something he's not ready to receive. I love being with him and know that breaking up would mean cutting all ties. He says that he's never met someone he wants to be with as much as me but he has also expressed that he has no desire to be just friends. I've prayed about our relationship so much and really just want clarity on whether or not giving him grace and time to get on the same page is worth the effort.

 

[dqhall]

I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now and we're sincerely on the same page about so many important values and goals. He is kind, considerate, and genuinely listens to me. Nevertheless, I wonder if I agreed to be in a relationship with him sooner than I should have. He's dealing with a lot of church hurt and does not have the strongest relationship with the Lord. I have seen him put forth an effort to be more deliberate in his walk and he has expressed that my being with him has brought him closer to God. He loves that I encourage him to go to church and to be more intentional in his pursuit of the Lord. This is all really great but he has come to an understanding that anything short of sexual intercourse should be okay for us to engage in while we are dating. I don't share these convictions and he cannot seem to comprehend why. I know he won't intentionally pressure me into anything that I am not comfortable engaging in but I don't want to open myself up to falling into sexual sin because, in all honesty, knowing that this is an expectation of his is pressure in itself. I haven't been the strongest with maintaining my boundaries but I am determined to do better moving forward. I feel like there's only so much talking we can do about the issue and I haven't reached the threshold of what I could potentially say, but I realize that it's not my responsibility to convince him of something he's not ready to receive. I love being with him and know that breaking up would mean cutting all ties. He says that he's never met someone he wants to be with as much as me but he has also expressed that he has no desire to be just friends. I've prayed about our relationship so much and really just want clarity on whether or not giving him grace and time to get on the same page is worth the effort.

If you are interested in marrying him, you might have to discuss that with him. If he is not interested in marriage, but likes close physical contact, you will have to decide if you want to stay or look for someone else.

 

[Jadegb]

If you are interested in marrying him, you might have to discuss that with him. If he is not interested in marriage, but likes close physical contact, you will have to decide if you want to stay or look for someone else.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. He has expressed that he wants to get married but it would be at least a year from now. I'm not in a rush to get married myself, so I'm seriously wondering what value there is in rushing physical intimacy while we're dating. To him, it's simply another expression of love. I understand this perspective to an extent, but ultimately, he's not my husband at this time so I don't owe him that level of expression.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Real love includes respect.

Real love will wait.

Be firm in your boundaries and watch the reaction.

This is a good test of how deep the relationship is.

 

[Jadegb]

Real love includes respect.

Real love will wait.

Be firm in your boundaries and watch the reaction.

This is a good test of how deep the relationship is.

This is very good. Thank you!

 

[Timahani]

Being married has alot to do with ACCEPTING each others boundaries as well as compromising. Doing everything else possible except "the deed" opens the door to sin or unnecessary temptation. You are very young and the Bible says that "Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit in which you received from God". Think about how these physcial/ sexual encounters are going to impact you in the future. If you break up, if he chooses not to marry you, would you feel okay with this person always having an intimate connection with you? How would your future spouse feel about this? Do you think that the Lord would be pleasing to see this? Just some questions for you to ponder. Stand Strong in your convictions. Trust in the Lord and He will continue to lead you in the right path.

 

[Joy]

MOD HAT ON

This Thread has Moved

From Requests for Christian Advice

To Struggles with Sexuality

MOD HAT OFF​

 

[Jadegb]

Being married has alot to do with ACCEPTING each others boundaries as well as compromising. Doing everything else possible except "the deed" opens the door to sin or unnecessary temptation. You are very young and the Bible says that "Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit in which you received from God". Think about how these physcial/ sexual encounters are going to impact you in the future. If you break up, if he chooses not to marry you, would you feel okay with this person always having an intimate connection with you? How would your future spouse feel about this? Do you think that the Lord would be pleasing to see this? Just some questions for you to ponder. Stand Strong in your convictions. Trust in the Lord and He will continue to lead you in the right path.

This is absolutely valid and valuable advice. I have no desire to allow him to see me more intimately than he already has. If he loves me as he says, he will be willing to make a compromise to accept and respect my boundaries. Otherwise, he's not the person I need to be involved with and it will be good for me to make that determination now rather than much later!

 

[eleos1954]

I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now. We're both in our early 20s and are sincerely on the same page about so many important values and goals. He is kind, considerate, and genuinely listens to me. Nevertheless, I wonder if I agreed to be in a relationship with him sooner than I should have. He's dealing with a lot of church hurt and does not have the strongest relationship with the Lord. I have seen him put forth an effort to be more deliberate in his walk and he has expressed that my being with him has brought him closer to God. He loves that I encourage him to go to church and to be more intentional in his pursuit of the Lord. This is all really great but he has come to an understanding that anything short of sexual intercourse should be okay for us to engage in while we are dating. I don't share these convictions and he cannot seem to comprehend why. I know he won't intentionally pressure me into anything that I am not comfortable engaging in but I don't want to open myself up to falling into sexual sin because, in all honesty, knowing that this is an expectation of his is pressure in itself. I haven't been the strongest with maintaining my boundaries but I am determined to do better moving forward. I feel like there's only so much talking we can do about the issue and I haven't reached the threshold of what I could potentially say, but I realize that it's not my responsibility to convince him of something he's not ready to receive. I love being with him and know that breaking up would mean cutting all ties. He says that he's never met someone he wants to be with as much as me but he has also expressed that he has no desire to be just friends. I've prayed about our relationship so much and really just want clarity on whether or not giving him grace and time to get on the same page is worth the effort.

The Lord says best to wait and He certainly knows best.

If he's putting pressure on you toward sex ... then sorry ... he's not your friend.

Perhaps you should let him know what makes you uncomfortable (that's pressure) .... you set the boundaries .... not him.

Temptation:

1 Corinthians 6:18
English Standard Version

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Considering this, it rules out any type of foreplay

Matthew 5:28
New Living Translation
But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Foreplay

Foreplay is a set of emotionally and physically intimate acts between one or more people meant to create sexual arousal and desire for sexual activity.

Have you guys talked about marriage?

 

[Jadegb]

The Lord says best to wait and He certainly knows best.

If he's putting pressure on you toward sex ... then sorry ... he's not your friend.

Perhaps you should let him know what makes you uncomfortable (that's pressure) .... you set the boundaries .... not him.

Temptation:

1 Corinthians 6:18
English Standard Version

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Considering this, it rules out any type of foreplay

Matthew 5:28
New Living Translation
But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Foreplay

Foreplay is a set of emotionally and physically intimate acts between one or more people meant to create sexual arousal and desire for sexual activity.

Have you guys talked about marriage?

Thanks so much! I'm glad that you brought up the issue of foreplay. Essentially, he has expressed that he feels that he could get by on foreplay until engagement/marriage. While there is the possibility that it could be true for him, I don't believe this would be a fair practice in the slightest. We have discussed marriage. His general expression is that it is something he desires (and why he is pursuing me) but that it is a "long, long" way away. This is understood to be at least a year but not more than three. It doesn't seem wise to me to invest a year or three in engaging in any practice(s) that primes my body, mind, and spirit for a level of intimacy that I don't believe is permissible outside of marriage. At best, this could lead us to struggle immensely with wanting to do more. At worst, we give in to the sexual tension that we have built over time. Neither of these sound terribly appealing to me! God absolutely knows best - I'm grateful that I'm able to learn on Him, His word, and the wisdom of His people!!

 

[eleos1954]

Thanks so much! I'm glad that you brought up the issue of foreplay. Essentially, he has expressed that he feels that he could get by on foreplay until engagement/marriage. While there is the possibility that it could be true for him, I don't believe this would be a fair practice in the slightest. We have discussed marriage. His general expression is that it is something he desires (and why he is pursuing me) but that it is a "long, long" way away. This is understood to be at least a year but not more than three. It doesn't seem wise to me to invest a year or three in engaging in any practice(s) that primes my body, mind, and spirit for a level of intimacy that I don't believe is permissible outside of marriage. At best, this could lead us to struggle immensely with wanting to do more. At worst, we give in to the sexual tension that we have built over time. Neither of these sound terribly appealing to me! God absolutely knows best - I'm grateful that I'm able to learn on Him, His word, and the wisdom of His people!!

I agree with you completely ;o)

 

[Saucy]

I was in this same situation with someone before and I totally regret it. I realize now how depraved it all was. We never had sex, but just that slightest bit of temptation made things so much worse. As you already stated, if he loves you, he will want to protect you from harm and shame. That includes continuing to bring it up, hoping to catch you off guard so that you give in when you're at your weakest. Draw the line and hold firm.

 

[Jadegb]

I was in this same situation with someone before and I totally regret it. I realize now how depraved it all was. We never had sex, but just that slightest bit of temptation made things so much worse. As you already stated, if he loves you, he will want to protect you from harm and shame. That includes continuing to bring it up, hoping to catch you off guard so that you give in when you're at your weakest. Draw the line and hold firm.

Thanks so much for this! While things haven't returned to the point that they were at around the time I penned this post, I have seen a failure to genuinely honor what I've expressed I'm comfortable with on a physical level. As of yesterday evening, I've reached the threshold of the things I have to say about the matter and I'm rapidly approaching the conclusion that this relationship isn't the best thing for me. I really feel that his lack of respecting where I am on this particular matter is merely a symptom of a greater lack of respect for me that would only be amplified in marriage. It hurts knowing that so much made sense about our relationship, but I'm totally recognizing that it's more than okay for the things that don't make sense to be deal breakers. A primary consideration that has kept me in this for as long as I've stayed is that he's expressed how valuable time with me has been for his spiritual development. However, I cannot shoulder the weight of his salvation or sanctification, and to wait for growth that he's not actively seeking would simply be foolish.

 

[Saucy]

Thanks so much for this! While things haven't returned to the point that they were at around the time I penned this post, I have seen a failure to genuinely honor what I've expressed I'm comfortable with on a physical level. As of yesterday evening, I've reached the threshold of the things I have to say about the matter and I'm rapidly approaching the conclusion that this relationship isn't the best thing for me. I really feel that his lack of respecting where I am on this particular matter is merely a symptom of a greater lack of respect for me that would only be amplified in marriage. It hurts knowing that so much made sense about our relationship, but I'm totally recognizing that it's more than okay for the things that don't make sense to be deal breakers. A primary consideration that has kept me in this for as long as I've stayed is that he's expressed how valuable time with me has been for his spiritual development. However, I cannot shoulder the weight of his salvation or sanctification, and to wait for growth that he's not actively seeking would simply be foolish.

I think you are making the best decision. I know it will be painful. It was painful for me when she broke it off with me, but it forced me to see what I was doing wrong. I was able to grow from the experience and become a better man. May God bless you for choosing Him over your flesh!