Seeking advice on split joint custody

James1989

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Hello Friends,

First I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate your time.

Long story short, my fiancée and I split up a couple years ago and had two boys together. They was both super young between the ages of 1-4. It was very shocking to me when this all came about and basically never seen it coming. It had left me devastated, scared, and hundred emotions all at once. I can literally say it was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with.

My ex and I share joint custody and have our boys each the same amount of time every week. I grew way closer than ever with my boys during this time because now it was just them and I at home. We also was going through the same thing of adjustment and has built a great bond between us.
Ever since this all happened the boys kind of always have enjoyed spending time at my house more rather than going with my ex. I don’t think it was anything personal, I just believe they had more fun with me. We are always doing stuff together and going 90 to nothing on playing or activities of some sort.

Anyhow, my oldest is in school now and learning a lot and I’m super proud of him. He really doesn’t seem like his same self anymore. It’s hard to describe but he doesn’t seem like he really wants to talk to me about anything anymore. He gets angry if you ask him questions about school or about the time he had with mommy. Just seems like he doesn’t want to talk about it and I generally try and respect that. He used to randomly tell me he loves me and other sweet things and again he doesn’t really do that anymore. I don’t know if he is just getting older and feels the need not to do it anymore. It made me feel great and I loved that feeling. Made me feel rewarded as I’m doing a good job.

My youngest recently informed me that he has more fun at mommies now and enjoys staying there more than my house. Somehow we randomly got on that topic. He is around 4 years of age. He has said multiple times in the past over the stretch of time he liked my house better. I know this isn’t a competition and nor do I want it to be. But, that really broke my heart and I know I should be happy he is having a good time there by all means. But it did make me sad. I didn’t let him know that of course. How should I stop worrying about if he is having fun with me or her? I would love to have that connection like we used to where they was so happy to be with me. They aren’t not happy by any means but just feel like they are both not the same as they used to be. I suppose it also could be me as well maybe I’m different than I was before.

I just try and be a great dad at the end of the day. I love them unconditionally. I have so much anxiety/fears of what the future holds with them and our relationship. Moving away and other random fears. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
 
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NerdGirl

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Hello Friends,

First I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate your time.

Long story short, my fiancée and I split up a couple years ago and had two boys together. They was both super young between the ages of 1-4. It was very shocking to me when this all came about and basically never seen it coming. It had left me devastated, scared, and hundred emotions all at once. I can literally say it was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with.

My ex and I share joint custody and have our boys each the same amount of time every week. I grew way closer than ever with my boys during this time because now it was just them and I at home. We also was going through the same thing of adjustment and has built a great bond between us.
Ever since this all happened the boys kind of always have enjoyed spending time at my house more rather than going with my ex. I don’t think it was anything personal, I just believe they had more fun with me. We are always doing stuff together and going 90 to nothing on playing or activities of some sort.

Anyhow, my oldest is in school now and learning a lot and I’m super proud of him. He really doesn’t seem like his same self anymore. It’s hard to describe but he doesn’t seem like he really wants to talk to me about anything anymore. He gets angry if you ask him questions about school or about the time he had with mommy. Just seems like he doesn’t want to talk about it and I generally try and respect that. He used to randomly tell me he loves me and other sweet things and again he doesn’t really do that anymore. I don’t know if he is just getting older and feels the need not to do it anymore. It made me feel great and I loved that feeling. Made me feel rewarded as I’m doing a good job.

My youngest recently informed me that he has more fun at mommies now and enjoys staying there more than my house. Somehow we randomly got on that topic. He is around 4 years of age. He has said multiple times in the past over the stretch of time he liked my house better. I know this isn’t a competition and nor do I want it to be. But, that really broke my heart and I know I should be happy he is having a good time there by all means. But it did make me sad. I didn’t let him know that of course. How should I stop worrying about if he is having fun with me or her? I would love to have that connection like we used to where they was so happy to be with me. They aren’t not happy by any means but just feel like they are both not the same as they used to be. I suppose it also could be me as well maybe I’m different than I was before.

I just try and be a great dad at the end of the day. I love them unconditionally. I have so much anxiety/fears of what the future holds with them and our relationship. Moving away and other random fears. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

So, your oldest is about 8 years old now? Well, we can't really blame adolescence on the change in his behavior. But prepare yourself for another wave of "who is this kid and where's my son and why won't he even hug me anymore?" for a few years :)

It's crucial to keep communicating with your son. Don't let him isolate himself in his room and assume that that's normal "growing up" behavior. Sure, as a kid gets older, they'll slowly become more independent and want to hang out with friends more than Dad. But you still have not only the right, but the responsibility, to know everything that's going on in your son's life. So whether he wants to hang out and play and have fun as much, you still need to be talking to him. If he "gets angry" when you ask him about school, sit him down and ask him why he's reacting that way. "You seem upset when I ask you these things. Can you tell me why?" Give him the floor, let him have room to open up and share with you on his own terms. Make sure it's a judgement-free zone, just sit and listen. If there's something wrong at school, or at mom's house, you want him to think "I wanna tell my dad about this" as a default. Make yourself the safest place for him to share.

Did you ask your youngest WHY mommy's house was more fun? Start there. Maybe she got some awesome new toys or gaming systems. Maybe she took them on a fun trip. He's only 4, his opinions are going to change from one day to the next!

Don't just sit back and throw up your hands when your children baffle you. Get to the bottom of it. Sit down, talk to them, face to face, eye to eye, man to man. Be calm, loving, non-judgemental, open. Take whatever they say, whether you like hearing it or not, with acceptance and no angry reactions.

I hope this helps! Your boys are lucky to have you :)
 
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Arc F1

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Hello Friends,

First I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate your time.

Long story short, my fiancée and I split up a couple years ago and had two boys together. They was both super young between the ages of 1-4. It was very shocking to me when this all came about and basically never seen it coming. It had left me devastated, scared, and hundred emotions all at once. I can literally say it was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with.

My ex and I share joint custody and have our boys each the same amount of time every week. I grew way closer than ever with my boys during this time because now it was just them and I at home. We also was going through the same thing of adjustment and has built a great bond between us.
Ever since this all happened the boys kind of always have enjoyed spending time at my house more rather than going with my ex. I don’t think it was anything personal, I just believe they had more fun with me. We are always doing stuff together and going 90 to nothing on playing or activities of some sort.

Anyhow, my oldest is in school now and learning a lot and I’m super proud of him. He really doesn’t seem like his same self anymore. It’s hard to describe but he doesn’t seem like he really wants to talk to me about anything anymore. He gets angry if you ask him questions about school or about the time he had with mommy. Just seems like he doesn’t want to talk about it and I generally try and respect that. He used to randomly tell me he loves me and other sweet things and again he doesn’t really do that anymore. I don’t know if he is just getting older and feels the need not to do it anymore. It made me feel great and I loved that feeling. Made me feel rewarded as I’m doing a good job.

My youngest recently informed me that he has more fun at mommies now and enjoys staying there more than my house. Somehow we randomly got on that topic. He is around 4 years of age. He has said multiple times in the past over the stretch of time he liked my house better. I know this isn’t a competition and nor do I want it to be. But, that really broke my heart and I know I should be happy he is having a good time there by all means. But it did make me sad. I didn’t let him know that of course. How should I stop worrying about if he is having fun with me or her? I would love to have that connection like we used to where they was so happy to be with me. They aren’t not happy by any means but just feel like they are both not the same as they used to be. I suppose it also could be me as well maybe I’m different than I was before.

I just try and be a great dad at the end of the day. I love them unconditionally. I have so much anxiety/fears of what the future holds with them and our relationship. Moving away and other random fears. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I've been in this very same situation. It's better for the kids to stay at one parent's place and the other parent just visit. They have to have a home and only one home. It's difficult but you have to put the children first not yourself. My daughter stayed with me and only saw her mother on holidays and a few weeks in summer.
 
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James1989

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So, your oldest is about 8 years old now? Well, we can't really blame adolescence on the change in his behavior. But prepare yourself for another wave of "who is this kid and where's my son and why won't he even hug me anymore?" for a few years :)

It's crucial to keep communicating with your son. Don't let him isolate himself in his room and assume that that's normal "growing up" behavior. Sure, as a kid gets older, they'll slowly become more independent and want to hang out with friends more than Dad. But you still have not only the right, but the responsibility, to know everything that's going on in your son's life. So whether he wants to hang out and play and have fun as much, you still need to be talking to him. If he "gets angry" when you ask him about school, sit him down and ask him why he's reacting that way. "You seem upset when I ask you these things. Can you tell me why?" Give him the floor, let him have room to open up and share with you on his own terms. Make sure it's a judgement-free zone, just sit and listen. If there's something wrong at school, or at mom's house, you want him to think "I wanna tell my dad about this" as a default. Make yourself the safest place for him to share.

Did you ask your youngest WHY mommy's house was more fun? Start there. Maybe she got some awesome new toys or gaming systems. Maybe she took them on a fun trip. He's only 4, his opinions are going to change from one day to the next!

Don't just sit back and throw up your hands when your children baffle you. Get to the bottom of it. Sit down, talk to them, face to face, eye to eye, man to man. Be calm, loving, non-judgemental, open. Take whatever they say, whether you like hearing it or not, with acceptance and no angry reactions.

I hope this helps! Your boys are lucky to have you :)



My oldest son is almost 6 now. This his is first year of real school and I somewhat believe maybe that’s a lot of the reason for being more independent. He doesn’t really seem as excited to come to my house like he once was or same with his moms either. He just doesn’t show much emotion of going from my house to hers. Maybe that’s a good thing as he has adjusted to this after a couple years?

As far as my youngest it took me by surprise of course. I did try and do some work on as why. He said she makes popcorn haha, let’s them watch movies, takes them to the park. I literally do all them things as well. I told him that and he just kept having an excuse so I didn’t want to keep bugging him. His mind changes often on many different topics so I guess I shouldn’t be alarmed at this maybe being one of those situations. I never want to make them feel like they have to choose which place they like more by any means. I don’t want you to think that about me. It just hurt to hear him say that and I’m sure his mom has dealt with the same thing on her end.

As far as the joint custody has been going it has been going fine for a couple years now. There was some adjustment for the oldest mainly about going back with mom for some time but like I said he hasn’t done that for a few months now.

The mother has had a new man in her life from since this began and he has been living with them this whole time as well. They have had several adjustments along with the rest of us. I just have a lot of worries about all the possibilities that could arise. I know I can’t think like that and have to stay positive.
 
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seeking.IAM

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It might be interesting to ask the question, "What would have to change for you to like being here more?" Listen, and then decide if that is something you want or are able to do. That takes the question away from what is happening at mommy's house and gives you an idea of something you can do or not. You can't control what Mommy does, only what you do.

Secondly, I'd say that even in intact families sometimes parents make decisions that kids just don't like very well. It's not a popularity contest but it generally works out okay in the end when kids get old enough to have different realizations. Like the time my son told me we were the weirdest family he ever met. I asked why? Answer: Because none of his friends had families where it was expected for everyone to sit down and share a meal together. Go figure. The popular answer would have been make your own sammich and eat in front of the TV. The dad answer was, "Yeah, we're not doing that."
 
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NerdGirl

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My oldest son is almost 6 now. This his is first year of real school and I somewhat believe maybe that’s a lot of the reason for being more independent. He doesn’t really seem as excited to come to my house like he once was or same with his moms either. He just doesn’t show much emotion of going from my house to hers. Maybe that’s a good thing as he has adjusted to this after a couple years?

Just keep talking to him. Make sure he knows he can come to you with anything, and he'll be safe and loved when he opens up to his dad.

Separations are incredibly difficult on children. It's an unnatural way to raise a child, and there will be consequences and effects on the kids. You can't get around that. The best you can do is co-parent as nicely as possible with their mom, and give them a loving, secure, safe home when they're with you. The older they get, the more they're going to realize that their lives may not be just like the other kids who have two-parent households. And that will bring some challenges for them. This might be a good time to look up Christian resources on co-parenting.

As far as my youngest it took me by surprise of course. I did try and do some work on as why. He said she makes popcorn haha, let’s them watch movies, takes them to the park. I literally do all them things as well. I told him that and he just kept having an excuse so I didn’t want to keep bugging him. His mind changes often on many different topics so I guess I shouldn’t be alarmed at this maybe being one of those situations. I never want to make them feel like they have to choose which place they like more by any means. I don’t want you to think that about me. It just hurt to hear him say that and I’m sure his mom has dealt with the same thing on her end.

Try not to let such comments affect you personally. They're kids. They're impulsive and growing and changing, and their minds will change often about things, like you said. Instead of saying, "Well, we do all of that here, too!", maybe say, "Is there anything you'd like to do this week while you're with daddy?" That might help reduce any feeling of competition for both you and your little boy :)

As far as the joint custody has been going it has been going fine for a couple years now. There was some adjustment for the oldest mainly about going back with mom for some time but like I said he hasn’t done that for a few months now.

The mother has had a new man in her life from since this began and he has been living with them this whole time as well. They have had several adjustments along with the rest of us. I just have a lot of worries about all the possibilities that could arise. I know I can’t think like that and have to stay positive.

That's completely understandable. Try not to fret over things you have no control over, like how much time they spend there, or the fact that there's another 'father figure' in their lives. Focus on the things that you DO have control over: Making their time with you as wholesome and happy and loving and nurturing as it can be.

You sound like you're doing a great job already :) Don't be too hard on yourself!
 
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James1989

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Just keep talking to him. Make sure he knows he can come to you with anything, and he'll be safe and loved when he opens up to his dad.

Separations are incredibly difficult on children. It's an unnatural way to raise a child, and there will be consequences and effects on the kids. You can't get around that. The best you can do is co-parent as nicely as possible with their mom, and give them a loving, secure, safe home when they're with you. The older they get, the more they're going to realize that their lives may not be just like the other kids who have two-parent households. And that will bring some challenges for them. This might be a good time to look up Christian resources on co-parenting.



Try not to let such comments affect you personally. They're kids. They're impulsive and growing and changing, and their minds will change often about things, like you said. Instead of saying, "Well, we do all of that here, too!", maybe say, "Is there anything you'd like to do this week while you're with daddy?" That might help reduce any feeling of competition for both you and your little boy :)



That's completely understandable. Try not to fret over things you have no control over, like how much time they spend there, or the fact that there's another 'father figure' in their lives. Focus on the things that you DO have control over: Making their time with you as wholesome and happy and loving and nurturing as it can be.

You sound like you're doing a great job already :) Don't be too hard on yourself!


I tend to be hard on myself about pretty much anything but that’s just me as a person I suppose. I did ask him that as well if I could do anything different to have more fun with me or to make him enjoy himself more. He said no I have a lot of fun here too and didn’t have any suggestions on changing anything. He has told me multiple times randomly throughout this time that he wanted to live with me forever when he gets older or other things similar to that. Which it made me feel good but I don’t ever say anything negative about his mom or their house of course. The last thing I want to do is make this harder on them. The sad thing is half the homes are like this now. The good thing it really hasn’t affected them as much as I initially thought it would and they have adjusted pretty well and I’m very proud of them in all aspects.
 
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