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Seeking advice in current relationship

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by seekingadvice78, Oct 17, 2013.

  1. seekingadvice78

    seekingadvice78 Newbie

    Hi, and thank you for reading this.

    I just typed out a detailed post and timed out, so I will try to be brief this time.

    I was in an abusive relationship for years. He eventually left me for someone he met online. I was depressed and thought I would not find myself in a relationship again.

    A year ago in church, I met my current boyfriend. He was smart, charming, and reminded me of everything I wanted to be in a Christian. But my issues from my past relationship have made me very difficult to deal with. Even though there is no evidence that he will treat me like my ex, I still have believed and expected the same treatment. Now, I am seeing how they are a lot alike.

    A couple months ago, I started having health problems. My current boyfriend did not support me, even when I was in the hospital. A few weeks ago I had a heart attack. He yelled at me on the phone the very day it happened, and has since avoided me. He even told me once he thought I was pretending. I have not seen him since it happened (his choice). My family has been unhappy with this behavior, but I am sure I am to blame. He gets angry with me for speaking bad about him though I don't say bad things, people just notice his presence is missing.

    Since my heart attack I have changed a lot. I read the Bible more often, I have songs in my heart, I have not committed any of the private sins that have plagued me for years.

    This weekend, his family is coming into town. He invited me to come.
    My family believes he is only doing so so that I do the driving, pay the expenses, and because I have a car (his may still be currently disabled). I desperately want to believe this is not the case. My parents said they will be disappointed in me if I do this for him, and an sibling had a bad dream about me going and has begged me to stay home.

    I care greatly for this man. I do not want to be the reason he doesn't see his family. I think he will leave for good if I do not do this for him. I said this weekend was important, I wanted to see him for weeks, and this gives me a reason to spend time with him on the day I want to and actually see him at all.

    With the negative feedback from my family, I am not sure what I should do. Can anyone please give any advice?

    Thank you and God Bless.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. ezeric

    ezeric HE loves me too.

    You have been used and abused and your heart was broken (literally) over all this.
    But the LORD has heard you, as evidence of your sudden joy and the songs are scriptural: "The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
    He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

    I would want to add 2 thoughts, pray over them.

    First your parents do their best to love you, and I would think they know you to a degree and their words don't (to me) seem selfish but more 'tough love' for your own good. And to me, the mere fact your sister had a dream, also could be prophetic (GOD does lots of that cool stuff) and should't be discarded.

    Lastly, your comment about "I do not want to be the reason he doesn't see his family. " Sounds like guilt and not peace. Families know how to work out things (generally) together, and if he is a man, he can get to this function if he really wants to.

    I would ask the LORD for strength and let HIM continue to fix your heart (they are connected spiritual and physical) and take it slowly as HE leads you in victory and love (selflessness is love).

    May the LORD JESUS give you Shalom (Peace) as you heart will get tested again!

  3. achristian2

    achristian2 learning to walk with God

    He doesn't seem to be the right boyfriend for you. However, if you really do love him, give him another chance and see how he behaves. This will give you a better feel as to whether he is really as bad or maybe there was something going on that caused him to behave like that. I think in life, we have to give people we love several chances (well, it also depends on what they did previously) to be sure that we made the right decision and not too hasty.

    More importantly, lift this up to the Lord and ask Him to guide you. Hugs. I will say a prayer for you now.
  4. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    I see danger signs there. I would be very cautious. You could end up getting badly hurt.

  5. nathanielb1984

    nathanielb1984 Member

    Let me start by saying that I know how you feel.....I was in a 2 year relationship with a single mom, who thanked me for bringing up her son, by cheating on me, and then appreciated my forgiveness my cheating on me again. Stress from that relationship sent me to hospital for 3 days. She never came to visit me.

    In your case it's patent that the scars from the previous relationship are still sore and raw, and they are affecting your new relationship. As we say in my country "the scalded dog, is afraid of all waters". You are obviously on the look out for similar behavioural patters here, and your previous experience might be impairing your judgement.

    Nonetheless, not visiting you in hospital is inexcusable and warrants a send off, in my opinion. Let me finish by telling you that it's better to lonely and single than to be lonely in a relationship!

    Whatever your decision, I wish you the best of luck and may your find true joy, love, peace and happiness :)
  6. SkyeMist

    SkyeMist Junior Member

    I am sorry that you are hurting. If you are seriously ill and had a heart attack and your boyfriend is yelling at you and avoiding to see you, it shows how little he cares for you. It looks like he is taking advantage of you. He is an adult, he can find his own way to see his family. You are blessed that your family cares a lot about you, listen to them and let them support you. I pray that God will bless you with wisdom and the strength to walk away from this abusive relationship.
  7. seeingeyes

    seeingeyes Newbie

    Red flag!!!

    Run, girl.

    Your family is trying to help you. Maybe that aren't approaching it the best way, but they are correct nonetheless.

    Just run.
  8. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    Maybe meet him in a public place to talk a bit and then go your separate ways. That way if he does just want to use you you can avoid it and if he doesn't you can arrange to meet again later if you want to.
  9. David Sylvian

    David Sylvian From Japan With Love

    Put your focus on God and this guy you are talking about sounds like a narrow minded creep who is very selfish and offers you little to nothing except for some artificial pleasantries.

    Which is completely without value.
  10. saved24

    saved24 Forgiven Supporter

    I do not blame you for wanting to see this man, since you truly care for him, but he did not support you when you were sick, he tells you that you are a liar (saying you are pretending and says you are saying bad things about him when you are not), he didn't want to see you even though you had a heart attack. You are not responsible for his bad behavior, he is. He has no right to treat you like he did. He is like this now, he will be like this if you marry him. I agree with your family that he just wants to use you to get a ride. I think it will be harder to let go of him if you go with him to this event.

    You are a very, kind thoughtful person. He does not deserve you and you do not deserve the kind of abuse he is giving you by avoiding you for such a long time when you really needed him and for him calling you a pretender etc. You needed him, he was not there. You don't need this.

    Praying for you. It's a hard thing to go through. God bless.
  11. KayScarpettaFan

    KayScarpettaFan I trust You, Lord

    Dear sister,

    I have been in abusive relationships as well. I know how deep is your pain. But I also am painfully aware that I was prone to choose abusive partners, for my personal history and because I had to do a hard work on myself regarding boundaries, self esteem and self love.
    The fact you found him in a church means nothing. Abusers are everywhere.
    There is a simple way to see if your parents are right: refuse to pay ANYTHING, and see if he is still intersted.

    Dear, a man who loves you does not treat you i this way. It's that simple.
    Avoid yourself a life of misery and agony.
    And find a good therapist. They are more vital and necessary than any man :) (just joking). But remember that you don't have to be in a relationship with someone in order to be a successful or a decent person. Paul was single, Jesus too :))))))
    Start loving yourself, dear. A big hug.
  12. CounselorForChrist

    CounselorForChrist Senior Veteran

    Ditch him and find a man that is actually loving your heart and not crushing it. Being disabled myself my heart was shattered into pieces, stepped on then throw into a fire. So I have felt this pain too. Eventually God sent me the right person. A person that I didn't hav any red flags with. Now we are happily married.

    BTW for many its hard to get into a new relationship and try to forget how their ex treated them. I had trust issues (and desperation issues) when I would meet someone new. But I had to learn to put those issues aside and treat every person as someone who is new. A new experience. Because its not fair to them for me to not trust them just because people hurt me in the past.

    We don't mean to treat them like that but our hearts are putting up a defense system because it doesn't want to hurt again. Just flip that system to off and see what happens after a few times out with the person. Actually leaving that system on can scare them off. For example with the 2nd and 3rd girl I was with there would be times where they wouldn't talk to me. I felt so ignored and started to wonder "Are they cheating on me?".

    Turns out the one was. The other one sort of was, but it was mainly she just didn't care to much about me. So when I met my wife (obviously before we married) I would freak out when she wouldn't be online (she lives 8,000 miles away). I had to learn to stop freaking out. Which was good because as the weeks went by I learned she went offline often because the power goes off all the time on her island. Or the internet connection was just to low to connect.

    IMagine what would have happened if I accused her of cheating or asked why she was off so much? I could have scared away a very loving woman who was always honest with me.
  13. Ark100

    Ark100 The Lord is my Refuge

    DO NOT GO. Listen up, a sign of having self-respect and self-dignity will be proved by you not going. Trust me on that. If a man knows he can treat you one way and get away with it, he will never stop until you put a bold step down and refuse to play his games.

    How I wish so much you/ or anyone else who reads this will understand that you really can do better than these kinds of men. Honestly, how you feel is not the reality. You are loved, regardless of how these men have treated you.

    What is really important is really having a strong knowledge of who you really are and how pricy you are before the Almighty God. You don't need a man to show you your worth or make you feel like your world is over if they are not there for you.

    Men are easily/and even more attracted to a confident woman, a woman who says no and means it, and she says yes and means that as well. You will not compromise your freedom or joy for a man. Real men want those kinds of women

    DO NOT GO. Thats a piece of my mind
  14. rocklife

    rocklife Senior Veteran

    To get your mind off a man who your family is against, consider taking a class and adding to your education, get a Bachelors or Masters degree and meet new people maybe that way. The doubts you have are full of red flags.