Secular vs Biblical 'I love you'

[Akguy]

Most secular dating and love stories make a huge deal out of saying "I love you," following the dictionary definition, "an intense feeling of deep affection." But the Biblical idea of love is more of a choice to dedicate yourself to serving others. How do Christian couples typically treat the "I love you" phrase?

I just got out of a difficult relationship with a girl who seemed to have a fear of rejection. There were a few times I would send her a quick text and she misinterpreted it as me upset with her or wanting to break up with her. She said other things that made it sound like she expected to be rejected. I promised early on that I would never reject her for some arbitrary reason. If the relationship wasn't working for some reason, I would take the time to talk about it with her. Basically, I promised to love her in the biblical sense, but I didn't actually say so. So when her insecurities came up again I wanted to reassure her and remind her of my promise, but I wasn't sure if it's appropriate to use the L word.

I'm still pretty new to dating. Have you heard of dating Christians using the term in a biblical sense with each other?

 

[Freodin]

Why do you think you have to make it so complicated? Why do you think you need to make this distinctions between "secular" and "biblical" at all?

Do you not have an "intense feeling of deep affection" for this woman? Do you not think that your position deserves to be called "love"?

As far as I can understand this situation from a short, second-hand description via the Internet, your girlfriend seeks reassurance. So why can't you give it to her in a short, commonly accepted way, instead of having to go through theological justifications?

 

[Akguy]

Why do you think you have to make it so complicated? Why do you think you need to make this distinctions between "secular" and "biblical" at all?

Do you not have an "intense feeling of deep affection" for this woman? Do you not think that your position deserves to be called "love"?

As far as I can understand this situation for a short, second-hand description via the Internet, your girlfriend seeks reassurance. So why can't you give it to her in a short, commonly accepted way, instead of having to go through theological justifications?

Secular love seems to be more based on emotion. From what I've seen, saying "I love you" in that sense very early in a relationship is often seen as creepy, immature and/or shallow. We've been dating about a week. We've both made it clear we have feelings for each other, but we're not ready to make the relationship official. Does it sound like "I love you" would be weird in this case?

If we're looking at love in the biblical sense as more of a choice, then it makes sense on the first date regardless of feelings.

 

[Emli]

If you do love her, then you should tell her so. If you don't feel ready, don't.
As someone who has battled rejection, and a lot of it, I can tell you this much: hearing "I love you" doesn't help at all. Especially since I can pretty much tell when it's spoken out of a sense of duty and not from a sincere heart.
And it can instead become a false insurance, and you could start to rely on that feeling and become in a sense addicted to hearing the words, as if you aren't loved unless someone tells you. Seeing that you can trust someone, through thick and thin, that helps. Short-term and long-term. If I were in her situation, I would much rather to be shown love, than being told that someone loves me. She may be seeking something else, but it's not what she needs.
It's as you say, a true and proper commitment is much more valuable than feelings of affection. Although the Lord is very much about those feelings of affection as well, it is no foundation for a marriage on their own, and thus not for a relationship either.
If you commit to really taking care of her, and in a deeper way than let's say giving her gifts and hugs and "I love you's", by taking the time to talk to her about what's really going on in her heart, why she is struggling with rejection, and listen to her, that may be a much better way of showing her that you truly do care about her. Show her that you are willing to dedicate yourself to her and one day be the husband that God wants you to be, as in being to her what Christ is for the Church. And pray that the Lord shows you what this means.

I'll say a prayer for you, and I hope the relationship works out.

 

[Freodin]

Secular love seems to be more based on emotion. From what I've seen, saying "I love you" in that sense very early in a relationship is often seen as creepy, immature and/or shallow. We've been dating about a week. We've both made it clear we have feelings for each other, but we're not ready to make the relationship official. Does it sound like "I love you" would be weird in this case?

If we're looking at love in the biblical sense as more of a choice, then it makes sense on the first date regardless of feelings.

Well, you didn't mention this short duration of your relationship in your first post.

Yes, it might be "shallow" to attribute something as deep as "love" in this situation... though many might see it a little different.


Bluntly spoken, I disagree with your distinction between "secular" and "biblical" love. It isn't either/or, it isn't more-this/less-that. It is all of it.

Forgive me it that sounds harsh now... I don't know you, the girl or the situation beyond these few words we exchanged here. I don't mean to offend you. And, finally, even though I had my bouts with "love", I am a life-long single and definitly not the best councelor in affairs of the heart.

So I cannot quite know how you feels about this. I can only tell you what I get from your words.

What I get - sorry again, no offence meant - is that you seem very reluctant to admit to an emotional commitment. I do not know if that is because you are not certain about your feelings yourself or simply do not want to be (too much) emotionally - "secular" - involved. I can understand this confusion... I have experienced it myself.

But if you mean what you said in your first post - that love is choosing to dedicate yourself to serving others - consider how you want to serve this girl. What does she want, what does she need from you? Not what you think about the concept of "love".

Does she want an emotional relationship based on deep affection? Does she need to be told that you love her... without you making sophisticated distinctions between "secular" and "biblical" love? Can you give her that?

 

[Jess Lee]

Most secular dating and love stories make a huge deal out of saying "I love you," following the dictionary definition, "an intense feeling of deep affection." But the Biblical idea of love is more of a choice to dedicate yourself to serving others. How do Christian couples typically treat the "I love you" phrase?

I just got out of a difficult relationship with a girl who seemed to have a fear of rejection. There were a few times I would send her a quick text and she misinterpreted it as me upset with her or wanting to break up with her. She said other things that made it sound like she expected to be rejected. I promised early on that I would never reject her for some arbitrary reason. If the relationship wasn't working for some reason, I would take the time to talk about it with her. Basically, I promised to love her in the biblical sense, but I didn't actually say so. So when her insecurities came up again I wanted to reassure her and remind her of my promise, but I wasn't sure if it's appropriate to use the L word.

I'm still pretty new to dating. Have you heard of dating Christians using the term in a biblical sense with each other?

I am not sure what you mean about biblical term, but the Bible does include romance in a relationship between man and woman (courting and marriage). It does however include responsibility that the world today doesn’t mind much. We are not doing selfish love, but a devoted one. As you have said. Although we appreciate each other in appearance too, our love is more based on godly love. What I mean by godly love is, we see each other as God given partner and have a mission to have a life based on God’s will.

When my bf use the word “i love you”, I know that my bf says it including God’s love. And for me, it is a reminder of who chose me my future husband and to whom I am devoted to. We also say the phrase with our feeling for one another. Expressing how precious we are to each other. Btw, He is my very first and last bf. I don’t know much about dating.

I am not too sure, but from what I read, your gf seems to be anxious. It is good to remind her about your love and devotion to her. She also needs to be encouraged to trust in God. Only then, she will find rest.

Trusting in God vs trusting in man is a huge difference.
Man can change but God does not.
When we know God is in the relationship, we know this relationship will stand.

Like I said earlier, a woman needs to be told, like man also needs to be told, how much they are loved. Tell her how you appreciate her, how you think of her, how beautiful you think she is for example.
Make sure you make her know you love for her.

Christian couples are to do all in a godly way, but it also needs, i repeat, a form of romance. It is not the same between another christian woman and your potential wife who is a christian. Romance without being lustful that is.

Are you still in the relationship with the girl or no more? I didnt understand well. It sounded as if you were still courting with her but you also said you got out of a difficult relationship.