I can only share with you what God has done for me, in hopes that it will cause you to look to him. I met Jesus in the 1970's I had a rare and dramatic conversion (at least that is what Christians tell me).
But by the end of 75 I had accidentally disobeyed a spoken word... Let me explain.
I had gone to visit a dearly loved Christian brother, he was like a father to me. He and his wife were like my spiritual parents. Anyway the weekend I went to see him, his wife was gone away to school for 3 weeks. He was so lonely for company, he asked me to go to dinner with him
Immediately the Lord spoke (just like hearing someone standing next to you, and speaking to you, but no one else hears it) and the Lord said "do not go". Immediately I told Bob "I can't go" he said "Oh Rod please go with me, I don't want to eat alone".
Now this restaurant served liquor, and I thought that was what the Lord was worried about. So I said "Oh Lord you know me I don't drink"... So off we go to the restaurant.
Soon after we get there, a brother who was really struggling with alcohol, came into the restaurant, his name was Augie, he immediately started proclaiming we didn't like him because he was puerto rican, We claimed that was silly, and not true.
Well this started a fight, I was just a kid, and he took a swing at me, Bob stepped in between and got hit, they were fighting. I couldn't believe it, and couldn't watch it. I started to walk away, but when I did Bob felt betrayed, and said "If you walk, you might as well go all the way home". Oh man that cut like a knife.
The next morning I had to leave, but the Lord spoke and said "tell Bob you forgive him, and give him a hug". But I refused, I said "Lord I can't, it hurts to bad". So I left for home 3000 miles away.
Oh man, when I got home, what a mess I created. My life seemed to fall apart. I felt like Hudson Taylor the missionary to China, who said one day sin and troubles became so apparent, so overwhelming he didn't know what to do. Well that was me, sin and lust in total control, and it just wouldn't let up, nor let me go.
I spent (30+) years in this sin and a spiritual wilderness that seemed God had died or left me completely alone, as if He hated me for disobeying Him. (Of course none of this was true, I know that now). I was crushed, I confessed my sins to God and anyone who would listen. I felt for sure I was on my way to hell.
I even fasted for 30 days one time, I wrote men of God, I cried, shouted, pleaded with God, got angry, desperate, I just can't share enough what this did to me. The silence was killing me.
But I continued on, working, raising my family, going to school, going to church, tithing, and nothing helped.
UNTIL one day Jesus shows up, His presence so real you though he was going to appear bodily. And then He spoke....It happened like this.
So one day I'm driving, and lusting. I cry out to God, where are you, why aren't you helping me with this!
All of a sudden I hear this statement "why don't you tell me the truth". I say "what truth"…Then my understanding is opened and I SEE!
I say OK Lord… "I don't want you to interfere, I love my sin and while I'm troubled about it, I don't want you to interfere" leave my sin alone.
Do you know what happened? I somehow forgot all those thoughts about sin and lust, if they came back I would confess this new found truth and somehow my mind would be distracted again.
This went on for a few days, and then I found myself free.
This reminds me of a guy named Tommy Williams from the 70's…A brother walks up to Tommy complaining that he can't stop smoking.
Tommy says "brother when Jesus is ready for you to stop, then you will. A few days later that brother was so excited, because he found himself free a few days later.
NOW what does all of this show me…
It shows me we do NOT know truth UNTIL it is revealed to us, and most importantly "Truth is a person", and that person makes us free.