Alot of us have some pretty deep scars from things, situations, realtionships in our past.I do.I would like to share, and then I will tell you why...bear with me, kinda lengthy...
I was married at 21,while I was 9 months pregnant.He was not a christian, had never been to church, til he met me, and then he went 2 or 3 times. I thought I could change him.If I loved him enough, he would change. Well, he didn't.he changed me,I drifted further and further away from all that I had been taught, and all that I knew. And after 5 years of his drug and alcohol abuse, affairs and physical abuse directed at me, 2 kids and drowning in debt, I filed for divorce.My Emily was 3 and Nathan was 2. A month after I filed, I met "the man of my dreams". Kind, gentle, soft spoken, and he ADORED me and my kids. Didn't drink or do drugs, and he had grown up knowing about God and believed in Him. We talked and talked and made huge plans for our someday.So many promises he made,the house we would have, the things we would have, the love we had would only grow stronger with each passing day, the promises he made of "I will never hurt you" and the one that meant the most"I will never lie to you". Well, I got pregnant before that "someday" really started. Then 5 weeks after I had Wilson, I got pregnant again. All the while, still planning our someday, and still having him tell me it would all be ok. He bought me a ring, and after Elizabeth was born,in August of '99, I started to plan our wedding for July of 2000.
On December 9th,1999, I received a phone call from his dad, whom I had never met, he was estranged from them, for reasons that were too painful for him to go into, all I knew was that they had alot of money and that Mark hadn't wanted to follow in the family business, so he said they had disowned him. Basicly. To make a long story short. Anyway, his dad called to inform me that he had been having Mark followed at the request of his wife. Marks wife. My Marks wife. Who lived 1/2 an hour from me. All of those business trips, all of those nights he was in meetings and unreachable, except via pager...he was with his other family. Which included two small children that were the same age as Emily and Nathan. For 2 years he had been living a double life, and I was one of them. He was then ordered by his dad to break off any and all connections to me and our kids, or he would be written out of his will. So he did. Without batting an eye.(all the while telling me he STILL loved me, and that he was sorry)Signed over all rights to Wilson and Elizabeth, and went home to his first family. The end. For him.
There was no someday, there was no home, there was no dreams, there was no happily ever after, there was no love and the promises of "I'll never lie to you" were all a bad nightmare, that quickly turned into reality. Everything that I had known had been a lie. Everything. My world came crashing down around me, and my heart was broken into a million pieces. You just can not even imagine the pain, I can still feel that pain, what my heart truly felt. I never want to feel that again.
So here I was with 4 small children, under 6. And I wanted to die. Didn't know what I was going to do, how I was going to do it. Looking back, there was no shame, no embarrassment, only shock. Disbelief, and then I just went numb. Totally numb. I totally shut my heart off to everyone around me, including my children. I wanted to feel nothing. I couldn't even hug my kids, because it meant feeling something. After 2 months of holing myself up in my apartment, my friend Kim said, "you need to get out of there, you need to come and work for me". So I did. In February of 2000, I went to work as a server in a restaurant/bar, at night, and my ex-mother-in-law, watched ALL FOUR OF MY KIDS.She is an awesome lady from Ireland, and I owe her alot to this day. I had lots of guys ask me out, and I always had the same reply, with a smile on my face, "sorry, I don't date". "Nope, I don't date". After that, if they persisted, I would say,"ya know what,I have 4 kids..."they went away real quick. I wanted nothing to do with the opposite sex, I had had it. But I was out. I was amoung the living,and other then the phone calls at work to my attorney, and the occasional tear shed, memories flooding back on occasion, I was laughing again. I no longer found myself, curled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom, overwhelmed with grief and sadness. Unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I laughed, I talked, I had some down time, where I wasn't just a mommy, and people saw me as something other then a mommy,other then the other woman left behind, thrown away. And so the healing process began.
This is where the healing of all of my still open wounds started. One day this man walked in, brought his "group"in from his company (he was an engineer, still is! ) for a company meeting/dinner. From that night on, for about 6 months, he would come in several nights a week, always find a reason to chat, and repeatedly asked me out,and even the famous," ya know, I have 4 kids..." line didn't stop him.He would grin and say, "So? I love kids!"
Finally, the end of July, I agreed to lunch. Three months later, on October 14th, we were married in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, with 15 of our friends and family. And he is now in the process of adopting Wilson and Elizabeth,and we have Elena, whom was conceived in Gatlinburg. Over the last almost 2 years, it has been good, but the last 4 months have been perfect, even through our every day battles and schedules, because we let Jesus in, and with Him, we know that our time here is just that. A little bit of time, we are given, to love each other, our kids, and to try to somehow make a difference. Show others about Jesus.Through all of this, my biggest battle was forgiving myself. For being stupid, for not seeing things more clearly, for allowing myself to be and feel so used and so easily discarded, and for most of all hurting my kids. Two from a broken marriage and two, well, that weren't wanted, and because of my stupidity, I had allowed to be discarded as well. But I learned that God wanted me to forgive myself, because he had forgiven me. And since that day in March of this year, my world has been brighter, my marriage better then ever before, and my children will be ok. Because God has given me that promise.And I WILL stand on it.
It is not perfect, we have our disagreements and our struggles, trying to mix his two older kids and our younger kids together have proven to be our biggest battle. He has a past life, and so do I. And at times they clash. But every day, I realize the gift I have been given. And I choose to build on that, and make it into everything that it can be with Jesus. Which is proving to be more and more perfect as time goes on. Oh, I still have "scars", but the wounds are no longer open.The love of my Jesus and the love of my husband, and my children and my family, have finally made me whole.
I wrote all of this, because in a way it is a confession. Nobody,only the people closest to me ,know this story, but this morning I was sent a story which I am going to post here now, because oh, it is so true,and I realize that I am not the only one with scars. Gobless you all.
SCARS~A POWERFUL MESSAGE
Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida.
A little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His mother who was in the house looking out the window, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could. Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached
her, the alligator reached him. . From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal, and, on his arms, were deep scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh in her effort to hang on to the son she loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms too from my mom! I have them because she wouldn't let go of me!
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, or anything quite so dramatic. But the scars of a painful past, Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep
regret.
But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God loves you.
You are a child of God . He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins and if you have the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not -- let you go.
God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. That is why it is so important that we are not selfish to receive the blessings of these messages without forwarding them to someone else.
I was married at 21,while I was 9 months pregnant.He was not a christian, had never been to church, til he met me, and then he went 2 or 3 times. I thought I could change him.If I loved him enough, he would change. Well, he didn't.he changed me,I drifted further and further away from all that I had been taught, and all that I knew. And after 5 years of his drug and alcohol abuse, affairs and physical abuse directed at me, 2 kids and drowning in debt, I filed for divorce.My Emily was 3 and Nathan was 2. A month after I filed, I met "the man of my dreams". Kind, gentle, soft spoken, and he ADORED me and my kids. Didn't drink or do drugs, and he had grown up knowing about God and believed in Him. We talked and talked and made huge plans for our someday.So many promises he made,the house we would have, the things we would have, the love we had would only grow stronger with each passing day, the promises he made of "I will never hurt you" and the one that meant the most"I will never lie to you". Well, I got pregnant before that "someday" really started. Then 5 weeks after I had Wilson, I got pregnant again. All the while, still planning our someday, and still having him tell me it would all be ok. He bought me a ring, and after Elizabeth was born,in August of '99, I started to plan our wedding for July of 2000.
On December 9th,1999, I received a phone call from his dad, whom I had never met, he was estranged from them, for reasons that were too painful for him to go into, all I knew was that they had alot of money and that Mark hadn't wanted to follow in the family business, so he said they had disowned him. Basicly. To make a long story short. Anyway, his dad called to inform me that he had been having Mark followed at the request of his wife. Marks wife. My Marks wife. Who lived 1/2 an hour from me. All of those business trips, all of those nights he was in meetings and unreachable, except via pager...he was with his other family. Which included two small children that were the same age as Emily and Nathan. For 2 years he had been living a double life, and I was one of them. He was then ordered by his dad to break off any and all connections to me and our kids, or he would be written out of his will. So he did. Without batting an eye.(all the while telling me he STILL loved me, and that he was sorry)Signed over all rights to Wilson and Elizabeth, and went home to his first family. The end. For him.
There was no someday, there was no home, there was no dreams, there was no happily ever after, there was no love and the promises of "I'll never lie to you" were all a bad nightmare, that quickly turned into reality. Everything that I had known had been a lie. Everything. My world came crashing down around me, and my heart was broken into a million pieces. You just can not even imagine the pain, I can still feel that pain, what my heart truly felt. I never want to feel that again.
So here I was with 4 small children, under 6. And I wanted to die. Didn't know what I was going to do, how I was going to do it. Looking back, there was no shame, no embarrassment, only shock. Disbelief, and then I just went numb. Totally numb. I totally shut my heart off to everyone around me, including my children. I wanted to feel nothing. I couldn't even hug my kids, because it meant feeling something. After 2 months of holing myself up in my apartment, my friend Kim said, "you need to get out of there, you need to come and work for me". So I did. In February of 2000, I went to work as a server in a restaurant/bar, at night, and my ex-mother-in-law, watched ALL FOUR OF MY KIDS.She is an awesome lady from Ireland, and I owe her alot to this day. I had lots of guys ask me out, and I always had the same reply, with a smile on my face, "sorry, I don't date". "Nope, I don't date". After that, if they persisted, I would say,"ya know what,I have 4 kids..."they went away real quick. I wanted nothing to do with the opposite sex, I had had it. But I was out. I was amoung the living,and other then the phone calls at work to my attorney, and the occasional tear shed, memories flooding back on occasion, I was laughing again. I no longer found myself, curled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom, overwhelmed with grief and sadness. Unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I laughed, I talked, I had some down time, where I wasn't just a mommy, and people saw me as something other then a mommy,other then the other woman left behind, thrown away. And so the healing process began.
This is where the healing of all of my still open wounds started. One day this man walked in, brought his "group"in from his company (he was an engineer, still is! ) for a company meeting/dinner. From that night on, for about 6 months, he would come in several nights a week, always find a reason to chat, and repeatedly asked me out,and even the famous," ya know, I have 4 kids..." line didn't stop him.He would grin and say, "So? I love kids!"
Finally, the end of July, I agreed to lunch. Three months later, on October 14th, we were married in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, with 15 of our friends and family. And he is now in the process of adopting Wilson and Elizabeth,and we have Elena, whom was conceived in Gatlinburg. Over the last almost 2 years, it has been good, but the last 4 months have been perfect, even through our every day battles and schedules, because we let Jesus in, and with Him, we know that our time here is just that. A little bit of time, we are given, to love each other, our kids, and to try to somehow make a difference. Show others about Jesus.Through all of this, my biggest battle was forgiving myself. For being stupid, for not seeing things more clearly, for allowing myself to be and feel so used and so easily discarded, and for most of all hurting my kids. Two from a broken marriage and two, well, that weren't wanted, and because of my stupidity, I had allowed to be discarded as well. But I learned that God wanted me to forgive myself, because he had forgiven me. And since that day in March of this year, my world has been brighter, my marriage better then ever before, and my children will be ok. Because God has given me that promise.And I WILL stand on it.
It is not perfect, we have our disagreements and our struggles, trying to mix his two older kids and our younger kids together have proven to be our biggest battle. He has a past life, and so do I. And at times they clash. But every day, I realize the gift I have been given. And I choose to build on that, and make it into everything that it can be with Jesus. Which is proving to be more and more perfect as time goes on. Oh, I still have "scars", but the wounds are no longer open.The love of my Jesus and the love of my husband, and my children and my family, have finally made me whole.
I wrote all of this, because in a way it is a confession. Nobody,only the people closest to me ,know this story, but this morning I was sent a story which I am going to post here now, because oh, it is so true,and I realize that I am not the only one with scars. Gobless you all.
SCARS~A POWERFUL MESSAGE
Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida.
A little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house.
In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His mother who was in the house looking out the window, saw the two as they got closer and closer together.
In utter fear, she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as loudly as she could. Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached
her, the alligator reached him. . From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal, and, on his arms, were deep scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh in her effort to hang on to the son she loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars.
The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms too from my mom! I have them because she wouldn't let go of me!
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, or anything quite so dramatic. But the scars of a painful past, Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep
regret.
But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God loves you.
You are a child of God . He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins and if you have the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not -- let you go.
God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. That is why it is so important that we are not selfish to receive the blessings of these messages without forwarding them to someone else.
Living For Him.
