scared for my daughter,obsessed with the dark

[ElizabethJ0nes]

I know that this is mostly a positive place and this is a serious subject,but i need all the advice i can get,especially from those who are experienced and also will look at this with god and her spirit as first priority.

I have 3 children
my youngest is 7,my oldest 19,and then there's my middle child Charlotte shes 15
and from day one she was ray of sunshine,loved playing in the sand and dressing up as a princess and going to children's church every Sunday,however there was always something a bit off.she seemed to have a morbid curiosity from a young age,she was around 8 when she would bring me a dead birds or squirrels she had found while playing outside and insisted we give them a funeral in our backyard.not that uncommon at that age i guess ,she didn't know any better.but things progressed.At the age of 10 she started saving up her money to buy clothes from hot topic and started dressing in all black kind of goth like.At the age of 13 i was putting laundry in her drawers while she was sleeping over at her cousin's house and i found cds from bands she had asked me to go to concerts of like Marilyn Manson,slayer,(which i of course refused) a journal with creepy drawings,and magazines about horror movies.
shes only gotten worse despite all attempts to help her.her friends are just as bad,in fact some of them are in this local band that really worries me!she even helps them write songs or set up equipment for their shows sometimes.
i didn't have any problem like this at all with my oldest.and my little one is so impressionable and looks up to her.

i'd love any advice on this subject, especially what to do about the band shes getting involved with(i wish you knew why i found this band so disturbing).id do most anything to lead my baby back to the god fearing ways i raised her with! god bless.

 

[CodyFaith]

It's a phase I'm very familiar with.

Many, many teens get into the darker realm of life at this age. Some of my closest friends got into it. It's not because they themselves are dark or anything like that, it just has a "draw" so to speak, and it usually involves a desire to want freedom and to rebel against parents guidance and such. I went through it somewhat, but my friends did more so than I.

However I can say the large majority of them had a "jolt" that got them out of it. My female cousin was dating this really dark person. She started getting into witchcraft and all sorts of things. Then one day she just came to her senses, left all that behind and came back to the way of Christ her parents had shown her since she was a child. A female friend of mine went through it, then left it.

I will also say that for girls, guys play a big role in this. They usually have a crush on the types of guys involved with this stuff, and a lot of the time that's a big motivating factor.

I don't know your daughter personally of course, but this almost always is just a phase, especially for those who come from loving homes.

Here's something to help encourage you.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

 

[CodyFaith]

Also, and probably most importantly, don't be harsh on the discipline. Set your boundaries, your rules, but surround her with love. The harsher the discipline with these phases typically only fuels their angst.

 

[ElizabethJ0nes]

It's a phase I'm very familiar with.

Many, many teens get into the darker realm of life at this age. Some of my closest friends got into it. It's not because they themselves are dark or anything like that, it just has a "draw" so to speak, and it usually involves a desire to want freedom and to rebel against parents guidance and such. I went through it somewhat, but my friends did more so than I.

However I can say the large majority of them had a "jolt" that got them out of it. My female cousin was dating this really dark person. She started getting into witchcraft and all sorts of things. Then one day she just came to her senses, left all that behind and came back to the way of Christ her parents had shown her since she was a child. A female friend of mine went through it, then left it.

I will also say that for girls, guys play a big role in this. They usually have a crush on the types of guys involved with this stuff, and a lot of the time that's a big motivating factor.

I don't know your daughter personally of course, but this almost always is just a phase, especially for those who come from loving homes.

Here's something to help encourage you.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

much love and thank you so much,one of my biggest points of concern however is that knowing my daughter,and watching this over the years though i've considered it this is'nt just the typical dark angsty phase

 

[CodyFaith]

much love and thank you so much,one of my biggest points of concern however is that knowing my daughter,and watching this over the years though i've considered it this is'nt just the typical dark angsty phase

It may not be the typical angst phase, it could be a part of her personality that gravitates towards it. I have a darker personality myself in some ways, more so than others. I understand the lure it all has more than others I guess I can say, although am able to now resist it thanks to God.

But it's still all in the same realm. And I guess I just want to assure you that there are ways out of that realm, and that many, many people have gotten involved with those darker places in life only to later come out of it. How many (fully) Gothic adults do you see? Not many right? And there's a reason for that. You can also like Gothic things without sinning in my opinion, in many ways there really is beauty to some Gothic things that only some people can appreciate. What I'm trying to say is, it's not all totally evil or anything from my experience.

Trust God, trust scripture. You've done everything right. Continue to show your child what love looks like, be the best example for the light that you can be. She's still very young.

 

[SkyWriting]

I know that this is mostly a positive place and this is a serious subject,but i need all the advice i can get,especially from those who are experienced and also will look at this with god and her spirit as first priority.

I have 3 children
my youngest is 7,my oldest 19,and then there's my middle child Charlotte shes 15
and from day one she was ray of sunshine,loved playing in the sand and dressing up as a princess and going to children's church every Sunday,however there was always something a bit off.she seemed to have a morbid curiosity from a young age,she was around 8 when she would bring me a dead birds or squirrels she had found while playing outside and insisted we give them a funeral in our backyard.not that uncommon at that age i guess ,she didn't know any better.but things progressed.At the age of 10 she started saving up her money to buy clothes from hot topic and started dressing in all black kind of goth like.At the age of 13 i was putting laundry in her drawers while she was sleeping over at her cousin's house and i found cds from bands she had asked me to go to concerts of like Marilyn Manson,slayer,(which i of course refused) a journal with creepy drawings,and magazines about horror movies.
shes only gotten worse despite all attempts to help her.her friends are just as bad,in fact some of them are in this local band that really worries me!she even helps them write songs or set up equipment for their shows sometimes.
i didn't have any problem like this at all with my oldest.and my little one is so impressionable and looks up to her.

i'd love any advice on this subject, especially what to do about the band shes getting involved with(i wish you knew why i found this band so disturbing).id do most anything to lead my baby back to the god fearing ways i raised her with! god bless.

The more you truly love and support her
the better she will turn out.

 

[Norbert L]

One thing I can relate to in that stage. You just want to go against the grain of life (the normal moral standard) because you see righteousness in it. One area where you can remind her of, being fair minded. This is something where you can't force the idea upon her, like the saying, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. No pontificating from my family or society made any difference. Any overt strictness will probably drive her in the other direction.

Instead try and talk about things like is blue a better color than pink? Is sunshine always better than rain? See if you are able to have these type of discussions. If you can't, pray that God will introduce a person in her life that has that ability. It may not necessarily be a good person either.

Because one day hopefully she'll decide to read the Bible for herself despite what you, the Pope or any other person has to say about it. Jesus and the disciples he chose are very persuasive.

 

[_-iconoclast-_]

Hello im very much christian.

Im into heavy metal and bands like slayer as well - i like the music not the anti christian lyrics of some songs. I never liked m manson or the very satanic stuff.

For me getting into heavy metal was fun. I dressed in black - probably to the dismay of my parents who i always loved. The music is very energetic and fun to play - i still play and listen to metal. I dressed that way to emulate the bands i liked and i wanted to fit into a group.

My mother is a strong penyecostal, i will always be in debt to her patience and teachings.

Heres how my parents dealt with me. It may work depending on why your daughter is into metal

Be patient with her it could be a phase then she finds something else to link to. What she needs is a loving mum who wont back down from her christian principles but is empathetic. Try and talk to the girl this is important.

One way is maybe ask to listen to some of her music. You may not like it but my mum ended up loving 'no leaf clover' - metallica. This way you can maybe find out why she connects with the music.

Deep down she is still the same person, just trying to fit in or find her identity. She needs you to politely - when the time is right - to teach her morality and about God

Some of these bands have members who are christian such as dave mustaine from megadeth. The keyboardist from evanescence and drummer from iron maiden. Being into heavy metal is not ideal but finding an older person who is christian for her to respect may help.

Supporting her is a good start, create a relationship with her so when she is upset in life, she comes to you and then you can give her the right direction. She will listen to you as long as you dont antagonize her.

She needs your love, so she can know the love of God. Trust me she will come around.

 

[timewerx]

Don't let your kids play in the sand, they can pick some nasty stuff.

Extended fasting may be the only option. Better if your daughter do extended fasting too.

 

[Wolfe]

Prolly just a phase, kids do it as a form of rebellion.

That, and she could be being pressured into it by these friends.

 

[now faith]

I would guess She is acting out due to being the Middle Child.
Both the younger and the older Children have differing aspects of the parents attention.
I would go out of my way to praise Her as a individual.
Not for the goth or dark stuff but her other interest she enjoys I would encourage.
She wants somthing to make her feel special,and has found that the negitive behaviour gets special attention.
Even if you disapprove of what she is doing,you are giving her attention.
Unfortunately our enemy knows how to guide our Children's emotions to darkness.
Denounce the hidden works of darkness and pray the Blood over your home and Child.
Your actions must be sincere in praising her for the good things in her life,love conquers all.

Spending time with her alone doing good things together and prayer will turn her away from such things.
You will stand in the gap resist the devil and he will flee,it is a battle we cannot afford to lose.
My prayers go out for your family.

 

[SnowyMacie]

I know that this is mostly a positive place and this is a serious subject,but i need all the advice i can get,especially from those who are experienced and also will look at this with god and her spirit as first priority.

I have 3 children
my youngest is 7,my oldest 19,and then there's my middle child Charlotte shes 15
and from day one she was ray of sunshine,loved playing in the sand and dressing up as a princess and going to children's church every Sunday,however there was always something a bit off.she seemed to have a morbid curiosity from a young age,she was around 8 when she would bring me a dead birds or squirrels she had found while playing outside and insisted we give them a funeral in our backyard.not that uncommon at that age i guess ,she didn't know any better.but things progressed.At the age of 10 she started saving up her money to buy clothes from hot topic and started dressing in all black kind of goth like.At the age of 13 i was putting laundry in her drawers while she was sleeping over at her cousin's house and i found cds from bands she had asked me to go to concerts of like Marilyn Manson,slayer,(which i of course refused) a journal with creepy drawings,and magazines about horror movies.
shes only gotten worse despite all attempts to help her.her friends are just as bad,in fact some of them are in this local band that really worries me!she even helps them write songs or set up equipment for their shows sometimes.
i didn't have any problem like this at all with my oldest.and my little one is so impressionable and looks up to her.

i'd love any advice on this subject, especially what to do about the band shes getting involved with(i wish you knew why i found this band so disturbing).id do most anything to lead my baby back to the god fearing ways i raised her with! god bless.

Ah yes, reminds me a lot of me as a teenager. I wore black all the time as a teenager, listened to metal, grunge, and hardcore music, though I was more an emo than a goth. Anyway, I can assure sure that everyone of us turned out no different than anyone else. How kids turn out is more way more influence on how much their parents love and support them than what they're into. If you would like, I can give you a list of some Christian metal bands.

 

[homeofmew]

I think all kids go through a dark phase, i mean I sure did. heck i still watch some pretty dark anime and stuff.

 

[JAM2b]

My oldest child has run through every type of social group there is. One of them has been goth and heavy metal. It scared me at first, but you have to objectively evaluate the situation. Consider what their behavior is. Are they behaving in a way that is bad for them or others, like skipping school, drugs/alcohol, breaking curfew, sneaking out, lying, stealing, harming themselves or others? If not, then they are probably OK.

When my son went through this he was aware that it made me uncomfortable, and I was monitoring his behavior. I did forbid him from certain friends who were engaging in bad behaviors, but not the ones who were responsible and respectful, regardless of how they dressed or what they listened to.

I also spent time explaining to him more than once that people will judge him based on his appearance and that it could have long term affects on his life. He would ask for piercings, gauges, and tattoos. I warned him that if he got gauges that there would be people who don't approve, and that if he chooses to make his appearance something that many are uncomfortable with, he can't be angry at people because of their opinions or feelings because everyone has the right to feel and think as they choose. As long as they aren't being cruel to him, they don't have to like it or accept him. That's just reality. Sometimes it's not fair, but that's how life is. My prediction came to fruition after he got gauges while visiting his father. He later applied to work at Domino's Pizza. They refused to hire him because of his gauges, and only because of the gauges. That hurts, but that's life. He has to live with that.

He has now moved on from being goth. He is in another phase of exploration. I expect that as he grows up more he will eventually be pretty average in his appearance and taste.

As someone else mentioned, I thought about the middle child issue. They sometimes fight hard to stand out and get attention. For some it is by trying to be excessively good or talented. For others it is by trying to be bad and rebel. But a vast majority I think, just try to be something different from their family or they gravitate toward whoever will accept them into their group. They are constantly looking for validation and a sense of belonging. I don't know if this is the case with your daughter. She could just really enjoy this stuff.

 

[AS4JC91]

Hope I can provide a perspective as that of the then teen (now young adult) involved in the goth subculture.
Some parents wonder if their child is rebelling against them or society when they 'go goth' so to speak. For some that may well be the case; those instances aren't really all that common and those who are motivated by that are usually going through a phase.

For most it's a sense of belonging. Goths are oddballs and have been their whole lives. I'm on the autistic spectrum (quite a lot of others I know are too) and I had been traumatised by the actions of my old Christian community (a cult). I already was interested in history, literature, sci-fi, fantasy, alternative rock and bohemian fashion. The goth subculture was able to provide me an outlet for these interests, acceptance of my autistic traits and a community that was rather pleasant and polite.
I have even found ways to reconcile my subculture with my faith. I know of at least two other Christian goths in Sydney and they're good people. As I'm now a Catholic most of my decor is informed by that direction my faith has taken; think black wrought iron crosses, ornate black framed pictures of colourful stained glass windows, silver candleholders with burgundy or deep purple candles and silk roses dotted throughout my flat.

So with all this information what would I advise as a young person? Do not be afraid to discuss death with your daughter; you have a wonderful opportunity to discuss the hope of the Gospel in eternal life to counter any sort of nihilistic or romanticised view. Point her in the direction of good quality Christian groups such as I Dragon I, Dark Valentine, or Saviour Machine (the latter did a whole concept album on the Book of Revelation!). If you're worried about the amount of black she's wearing, buy her some nice wine red, deep purple and forest green clothes as these colours will still be palatable to her taste especially if it's in velvet. Keep teaching her about God and the values for which Christians are to live by and ensure that you continue to do so in grace, mercy and a whole load of patience. In terms of the band, I'm not sure about disturbing behaviour as I don't know specifically what the issue is there; all I can say about that is to continue teaching her how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships and relationships and the dangers of pressure and coercion to make her do things against her core values and beliefs. These are issues that affect all social groups that are acting immorally. It'll be hard, as teens believe the best about their peers, but it'll be appreciated by her in the long run.
Be prepared that she could grow up and still like some or all of what she likes now. The vast majority of goths in my city are in their 30s and 40s so it's likely. However if you steer her in a healthier direction that still lets her enjoy this hobby or lifestyle then you'll find your relationship will be healthier and, who knows, she may come back to God! All the best