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Saving money in a marriage

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Angeldove97, Jan 3, 2019.

  1. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
    United States
    Traditional. Cath.
    Married
    Maybe this is just ranting/venting, but I need to share somewhere.

    These past few months, hubby and I have been more focused on keeping our credit card bills low (not perfect, but better than where we were a year or two ago) and saving money. Our goal is to either move out of state to a cheaper area either this summer or next summer - and start having children. I feel a changing in my spirit - hubby says he's ready for children too. Great!

    This past year I've taken on coaching roles and additional stipend jobs at my school to add an additional 6k+ to my salary. I've been putting all of it into savings - we are currently at the $10k mark, which I know is a good start but no where near where we should be to move, have children, and have an emergency fund. But still... better than where we were 2 years ago.

    My husband recently won $300 and I thought he was going to put it into our savings. Instead he is getting another tattoo with that money and is refusing to back down from getting one. I have no issue with another tattoo, but I'm disappointed that when some extra cash comes in, it is not going to our goal of being more financially stable. He says he will be putting in his PTO cash out and his work bonus into savings this year, but it's still frustrating me that not every source of found money is going into savings. I've completely cut back on silly purchases and have taken on more work to help fund our savings that I just don't feel like he's pulling his weight to help get us there too.

    I'll be upfront and share that two years ago he got his an inheritance of $30k. We paid off our credit card debt, my college loans, etc with it and saved $6k. I will not be getting any inheritance from any family members and I kept my mouth shut about how we spent that money he got as I did not feel like it was my place to suggest what we do.

    He knows that this is upsetting me and he said he's sorry for disappointing me but he's going through with the tattoo very soon. I've been in a sad mood and he's aware of that, but I don't think he's understanding how much this is upsetting to me. Since I already shared with him about it, I'm not bringing it back up and I'm keeping this in prayer since I know I will need to get over it.
     
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  2. Phoebe Ann

    Phoebe Ann From Mormonism to Christ Supporter

    +8,182
    United States
    Protestant
    Widowed
    I'm glad you want prayer instead of having an argument. Before I married, I read an article that said arguments over money often lead to divorce. I can see that, but I was blessed with a husband who was usually very responsible with money. Anyway, we never argued over money.
     
  3. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,153
    Christian
    Married
    People are different. Men and women are different.

    Some people work toward a goal in a very single-minded way (my wife). Others make their way toward their goals in a more general way (me). It takes all kinds, ... and you are blessed to have a mixture of the two in your marriage.

    From your husband's point-of-view (and mine, BTW), he has made a substantial contribution to your savings ... AND has a plan for how he will continue to contribute to that savings.

    Using the $30K to pay off credit card debt and student loans was wise ... as it frees up more of your income to save.

    I can understand his wanting to take $300 and spend it on something personal. He likely wouldn't mind you doing the same thing. It's like "getting a cheat day" when you're on a diet. It helps you to stay the course, since you are getting a little short-term positive return in the midst of your disciplined plan. Your husband understands that "all work" and "no play" is not healthy for either of you. And, of course, you are there to make sure that the two of you don't get permanently sidetracked.

    I think that I can point out that you really didn't SPEND the inheritance. The inheritance was used to PAY FOR expenditures and debt you already had ... and for SAVINGS.

    The two of you have handled your financial resources admirably, and you are in much better shape than a lot of people in your age-group.

    Trust your husband, yourself, and God to keep you on the path to success in your life, your relationship, your future family, and your finances.

    God bless ...
     
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  4. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,322
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    My wife is the better of the two of us at managing money. I think she learned how to stretch a dollar from the time we were married until now. So she keeps the books, manages the finances and all works out well. I normally have an empty wallet but if I ask for household needs she covers it. We also invest in preventive medicine, spending generously on exercise and proper eating. Always with enough to contribute to local charities.
     
  5. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

    +1,515
    United States
    Deist
    Married
    Just for what it is worth....Children are very expensive and only serve to compound the problem of over population. Even moving to an area of lower expense will not offset the expense of having children.

    I know this because M'Lady and I were married for thirteen years before the birth control pills failed. Just one child took us from comfortable living to near poverty. And that child had no particular issues which that could be blamed on.

    Given the figures you cite, you will not be able to absorb the cost of a child without falling into hopeless debt.
     
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  6. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
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    Traditional. Cath.
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    I know of plenty of families who have 5-6 kids and live off one salary. They are some of the happiest families I know too since they don't care about what they do or do not have - they have one another.

    Then I hope that you and your "lady" did what you needed to to provide your blessing of a child to live a happy and healthy life.

    Thank you for your optimism. I'm sorry if you feeling so poorly about having children, but with good budgeting and hard work, I do not see us falling into your situation.
     
  7. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
    United States
    Traditional. Cath.
    Married
    I'm of the "all or nothing" mentality - we have been on such better track with our finances that I want us to stay at 100% with it or we will fall off the wagon. After a few months of over spending, we are already dealing with a higher credit card bill - which we can totally pay, but we both don't want to see it climb up any more (at one point we were at $20k cc debt).

    My husband has never been of the mind-set to "find money" and decide it is best to just save it. His Mom can verify that with me and we have gone through some seasons of seeing this in his life prior to getting married. I don't want to put my husband down - he has many other skills that he is good at - but money issues is not one of them.

    I know he is seeing this as a treat. I think what is also getting to me is that I don't find value in the tattoo he wants to get. We have gotten a 5-year anniversary tattoos, he has a Celtic tattoo to match his background, a Lord of the Rings tattoo that is Christian in nature... they all have special meaning. His new one is about a book/video game that he is in love with and I honestly think is just a fad. He's putting it in a place that will be very easy to see too.

    Thank you - I know I can't change his view on this. It is not enough to ruin an 7 year marriage/13 year relationship. I just personally wish he was at a better stage with his money skills as it means delaying other goals of ours.
     
  8. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

    +1,515
    United States
    Deist
    Married
    If that single salary is high enough, one can support any number of people. I did not see any evidence in the OP that your salaries are that high.

    Surprisingly enough, that 'blessing' is doing well and is a wonderful human being. But that does not change the basic evaluation of the situation you are in. People simply don't understand the amount of drain children cost on a family. Your belief that 'good budgeting and hard work' will provide a successful outcome to your desire to add even more people to an already over crowded planet is unrealistic.

    Honestly, if you really, really think your lives will be fulfilled by having a family...adopt from the pool of already existing people on the planet.
     
  9. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
    United States
    Traditional. Cath.
    Married
    Together we are making close to $85k between the two of us, plus benefits. We're doing okay.

    I'm not against it, but I find it incredibly insulting that I can't create a child with my husband because there's too many people on the planet. It's okay that you created your own but how dare I want to plan, pray for, and create life with my husband? Mhmm...

    Which btw, I don't buy:
    "It is not the number of people on the planet that is the issue – but the number of consumers and the scale and nature of their consumption," says David Satterthwaite, a senior fellow at the International Institute for Environment and Development in London. He quotes Gandhi: "The world has enough for everyone's need, but not enough for everyone's greed."
    How many people can our planet really support?
     
  10. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

    +1,515
    United States
    Deist
    Married
    Of course you are doing okay. You don't have children. Not only is there a large monetary hit with children there is also a major time hit. That means less time for the two of you to raise the same amount of money you make now.

    It wasn't okay for us to have our own child. We had planned to never have children for the very reason I cited to you. The planet was over populated even then. Unfortunately, the medical profession wouldn't sterilize either of us because we 'didn't have children and might regret the operation'. When the birth control pills failed, we were faced with a dilemma. For reasons not necessary to detail here, we didn't know until she was four months along.

    After that was over, she had a hysterectomy and it was no longer an issue.

    And while there is a limited amount of accuracy to your quote, the reality is that if all eight billion of us equally shared the sustainable resources on the planet we would all be living in what Americans consider poverty. Right now, humans are consuming the same amount of energy that would take one and a half suns to deliver to the planet each year.

    That isn't sustainable. It is also the reason why our planet is becoming overheated. We use solar energy which has been stored for millions of years to supplement the sun's annual dose of energy. That energy always releases heat as it is being used.

    If you have children today, they will not live their lifespan without having to deal with a grossly overheated planet. They may well even be killed because of the results of that overheating.

    It saddens me to know that my fifteen year old granddaughter faces that same fate.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2019
  11. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

    +1,987
    United States
    Lutheran
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    I'm the sole income/breadwinner in our home, and we have had 2 children within the past 7 years.

    Here are my observations about having a child and the cost involved.

    Just make sure you have good insurance with a fairly low deductible. It's the birth of the child which can stand to kill you financially (if you don't qualify for Medicaid). The year we had my daughter I spent on premiums, deductibles, copays, etc...probably in the neighborhood of $24,000. Three years later had my son, and it was slightly more. That's because I had insurance purchased on the individual market, and didn't benefit from better plans that being employed at a place that offered group insurance could offer.

    A couple of years later, my daughter had a little accident and once again, with deductibles, paid in excess of $25,000 or so that year.

    So that's the area where you stand the greatest chance of getting messed up financially. If you or your husband have group coverage from a major employer with a fair deductible/etc - that shouldn't be as big of a worry for you - and the additional cost of putting the child on to your plan shouldn't be too much extra either. :)

    Since you both work - childcare can get expensive. We were blessed in THAT area because she could stay home and take care of the kids while I worked. I've heard of couples, however, where the cost of childcare ate up pretty much one of their salaries.

    After you get past the birth, childcare and additional amount for insurance, it's really not THAT expensive.

    Clothes can be found on the cheap - and you're a fool if you go out and buy everything from Gymboree. You can find second hand clothing, often completely unused, by major known brands for like $2-$3 per outfit. And you really ought not be spending any more than that considering how quickly they grow out of it.

    Food, if you're breast feeding or smart about how you handle it (if you're not breastfeeding), isn't very expensive either. Formula can get a little expensive if you're not breast feeding. Our daughter would get upset stomachs off of normal formula - and turned out she only tolerated well the most expensive kind of formula out there...which was about 4 times more expensive than every other major brand - and smelled like hot cheetohs (so gross).

    but once they get into the more "real" food stage/pureed things/etc...you can do that on the cheap.

    Diapers - you can't get around that but they're not terribly expensive. I suppose you could go the cloth diaper route - but that's just kinda gross.

    Also don't go overboard on the stuff you buy for the child. Our first child we bought everything - because we thought we should. Crib, pack-and-play, changing table, formula/breast milk warmer, blah blah blah. A lot of that was a waste to be honest. We thought we were done having kids after our first and sold everything about 2 weeks before we figured out my wife was pregnant with our second.

    Know what we had for our second child? A pack and play with a built on attached changing table. That's it. When he was done breast feeding (and since he could tolerate milk) - he got cold milk in the bottle. Didn't bug him a bit. Even the attached changing table on the pack and play is kinda optional. The floor makes a great changing table...and I'm sure you've got a floor.

    Does it cost? Sure. But it's not like (save the caveats I made on things like good health insurance) ruinous cost unless you're really living close to the edge on your budget.
     
  12. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

    +1,515
    United States
    Deist
    Married
    I think that is a pretty good rundown for the first years before school begins. I think I was a bit surprised at the how much just giving birth costs these days even with insurance. I don't even remember how much ours cost 36 years ago.

    For someone with 10K banked just getting a child born can be a daunting task. I remember my mother did a lot of our child care while we worked but we did pay her. I doubt, though, that we paid her the going rate of a commercial day care. If a grandmother is available, she is a major blessing.

    Once they start school, costs do go up a bit. One doesn't want their child to be known to wear Goodwill clothing and extra-curricular things all cost extra. Then there is the college fund which needs to be saved up for each child.

    On a side rant, I agree with Bernie Sanders that it is time for college to become part of the free education children receive. A century or more ago, children received an eighth grade education for free. Then we added high school because the job markets required that as a minimum. It is time that we accept that the job markets require college education as a minimum.

    But, until that happens, parents are still going to be a primary source of financing if their children are going to come out the other side of college without a crushing burden of debt just to become educated enough to apply for a decent paying job.

    And why bother having children if they aren't going to eventually make enough money to pay for your nursing home? :wave:
     
  13. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +12,567
    Australia
    Anglican
    Married
    Faarrr out at those costs for peri-natal care. Maybe the OP should consider moving to a country with better health care.

    The thing about money is, we all have different emotional attachments to it. If I don't have a small amount of financial freedom - a chance to spend something purely for something I want, don't need - I become very anxious. My husband isn't the same and can resent what to me feels like a basic need. The key is to communicate about how you feel and be willing to work together so that both of you have your priorities acknowledged and worked towards. But "all or nothing" is seldom helpful in that regard.
     
  14. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,052
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    AngelDove
    waiting a couple yrs to start trying for a baby puts you at 35 which some Drs consider to be the start of a higher risk pregnancy because of age

    just something to think about....to not wait too long
    blessings
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
  15. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,052
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    there is nothing wrong with second hand clothing
    we buy at the resale shop sometimes
    got a perfectly nice winter coat for $20 which lasted until child outgrew it & some adorable snow suits, too

    if one receives a tax refund, it's an easy way to save
    we've been putting aside the refund each yr for child's college and it's adding up
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
  16. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +12,567
    Australia
    Anglican
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    There are many ways to do things cheaply when you have children; there is no way that I'm aware of, that it won't cost you significantly more than not having children, though.

    Except possibly if your child works in acting or modelling and actually generates income, but you can hardly count on that.
     
  17. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

    +1,987
    United States
    Lutheran
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    US-Libertarian
    What's funny about that is - Bernie Sanders isn't really proposing anything all that new or unique. That's kinda how higher education USED to be here in America.

    For example, my sister is a boomer. She went to college back in the early 1970's. Went to a public university (University of California). She was able to go to university, with no loans, no scholarships, no grants, no financial assistance from my folks, and able to pay the entire ticket on a part time job teaching swimming at the YWCA. That's including housing and books as well.

    Every quarter was paid in full at the time. No deferring of payments, and was able to graduate college with her masters completely debt free.

    Why? Because in fact - MOST states throughout MOST of the 20th century made it their business to make tuition affordable. California used to actually have as it's goal to make it free - but it wasn't ever completely free. Tuition was always there - not so much to support the university's operating revenue - but rather kind of like why your car insurance deductible is there. Your car insurance deductible serves as a barrier to keep people from making frivolous claims. It's not really there to pay for the repair of the car. It's to keep people from making claims left and right. The same was there for tuition. It wasn't there to really keep the university afloat - it was there to keep the slackers/non serious students out.

    On average, throughout most of the 20th century, states paid (through taxes) roughly around 90% of public university operating reveue - leaving the last 10% to be obtained through tuition. Then in the 1980's, that started to change. People wanted their tax cuts, priorities started to change, etc... Nowadays it's the exact opposite. On average, states pay about 10% of university operating revenue, tuition pays the other 90%.

    Now I think Bernie makes a mistake by talking about making it "Free". Because then you can get the yahoos and boomers coming out of the woodwork talking about how they "skimped and saved back when they were in college, had a job, etc...why can't today's kids do that?"

    But that ignores that what they skimped and saved to pay for was FARRRRRR different than what kids today are expected to pay.

    By making it free - he allows that argument to get introduced into the mix - which ends up glossing over the total difference between the two things being talked about.
     
  18. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

    +1,515
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    No matter how the discussion is framed there will always be those people who believe 'their' experience is the gold standard that everyone else should live to.

    Regardless of how one makes college affordable there is no doubt that not doing it is quickly making us a nation of haves and have nots based solely on whether one has the financial backing to get the education certificate capitalism requires to even apply for upper level jobs.
     
  19. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

    +7,562
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    US-Republican
    Well the tattoo seems like a waste of money but, I realize they are in these days with many.

    As we get older being in don't mean much. I was looking for a sports car a while back and it turned out that someone at our church had an old low mileage Saturn for sale for a reasonable price and I bought that instead. It works good as a third vehicle for me.

    You are smart to start saving now in your earlier years of marriage because, I know plenty that didn't and they don't have much of a retirement.

    M-Bob
     
  20. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    +3,469
    Christian
    Married
    Realistically $300 is not going to make or break you where kids are concerned. I see how it's disappointing though because it feels like he's not fully on the same page. He may consider money that he's won as fun money, and not anything that was a sure thing to go into savings.

    If you can, I'd look into a healthcare sharing ministry instead of traditional insurance for pregnancy and delivery. Most of them have low "premiums" and will pay 100% of prenatal care and delivery and post natal care. You have to have it before you become pregnant for them to help you pay fully for your pregnancy and delivery though, but it's often much much cheaper than even having traditional insurance. You can pick whatever hospital/doctor or midwife or homebirth or birthing center you want; you have the freedom for options that you want to be covered. Just a thought and something to consider/research if it's a good fit for you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
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