Roommate and Her Boyfriend Sharing a Bed

[BananaBob]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

 

[summerville]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

Is your name on the lease?

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

Hi; good to see you.

Seems like you yourself would feel more comfortable with other accommodation arrangements.

How your friend defines Christianity from the Bible might be different from how you do. it's hard to think that new believers in Acts, practising Acts 2.42 would be pursing the situation you describe.

 

[dzheremi]

Pray for them and don't get in the bed with them. What more can you realistically do if you don't want to be seen to be judging them?

 

[paul1149]

sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked,

Is that standard procedure, or is she beginning to do things that are encroaching on previous norms? If the latter, it's begun to affect you directly, not merely with respect to your concern for her wellbeing, and it's likely to get worse. If things are making you seriously uncomfortable, it would be good to talk with her about it. I would try to keep the main focus on how her changes are making you feel. But if you have a Christian relationship with her then at some point the matter will have to brought up in that regard, because her behavior is going to affect it. If you do this pray for the right time and the right spirit. See 1Cor 5 and Gal 6.1.

 

[Cimorene]

I don't think it's polite to have any guest stay over overnight, guy or girl, w/o having asked your roommate for permission 1st. Except in emergency situations like being locked out or something. So that's the issue more than anything else as I see it.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

Talk to her and say, it is my bedroom too. If you are in a Christian College, advise her that you do not want to get kicked out from their behavior.

Remove the lock from the door too.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Have the birth control talk with her.

 

[TassiaNico]

I would recommend talking to her about your concerns. You don't have to shout or panic, just explain calmly you've noticed some changes and want to discuss them. If she is a good friend, she will want to listen to what's on your mind. She might not agree, but should at least hear you out. Let her know you feel what she's doing is wrong, while also stressing you still value her friendship and see her as a good person. You might be able to negotiate some compromise with her, even if you can't talk her out of her behaviour.

Since she says she believes as you do, it may also be helpful to contact your pastor or priest, and have them come over for a discussion. You could also invite her to church or a small group study sometime. She may not understand what she's doing is wrong in your faith, so talking to someone about it might be informative for her. If you're on campus, discussing the issue with an RA or someone in charge of housing could help clarify the rules and make negotiations go more smoothly. Of course, get her permission before bringing others into the situation, or she will probably be angry and humiliated.

Ultimately, she is an adult and will make her own decisions. As a roommate, she should respect your space, but may feel justified having her boyfriend sleep over and being intimate with him when you're there. If you are too uncomfortable and she won't change, you may want to look elsewhere for accommodation in order to preserve your sanity and the friendship.

 

[Mtol117]

You should inform her of Romans 14:13-23 not doing in front of others what some might consider offensive.

 

[shineyourlight]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

Hey, there!

I think as a good friend of your roommates, you can share your concerns.

You can also share your concerns without being judgmental if you know how to say it. You want to communicate your heart.

You can express to her that you love her and that you care for her. Lift her up. Make sure you're not putting her down. It is important to talk about her strengths before you dive deep into what you want to communicate. Tell her what you like about her, what you admire about her. Make sure you know what you want to say to her before you say it.

Remember, your heart is to help her. So, you have to think about how she is going to take the things you're going to tell her. Jumping right into the problem might be okay for you, but it is not going to make her feel comfortable and she will be guarded.

Now, it's time for you to share the problem. Do NOT use an accusatory tone.

Do not use the phrase, "When you do this...." or "When you sleep in the bed with your boyfriend....". Instead, say something like this, "I feel that when you act like....." Notice that instead of saying "you," you're saying "I." And notice the word "act." Remember, when someone is doing an action, that does not necessarily mean that is who they are as a person. So, when you say, "When you act....", it is showing that you're just talking about their actions, not about who they are as a person and they won't come off as defensive.

Do NOT interrupt. Let them talk.

Remember, she may not respond to how you want. And, you can't control it. That falls under manipulation if you try to control her decisions. She may be angry, she may ignore your feelings and continue, but if you approach in a loving and accepting way to her, you will gain respect and trust from her and maybe eventually, she'll take heed of what you said.


End it with a positive light about the strengths of who they are as a person as best as you can. But be careful not to dismiss what you told her about her feelings. Things like, "Oh, it's okay if you do that. I was just explaining," is dismissive. Hold your ground. You can say, "I know this was a hard conversation to have, but I really appreciate you listening to me and my feelings. I love you and am glad we had this talk."

 

[Annner]

Hello!

So my roommate recently started dating someone. Both of them are Christians, and I am noticing things in their relationship that concern me. Before they were dating, she would often sleep at his house, and she told me they would kiss and sometimes sleep in the same bed. I’m pretty sure there is nothing more physically serious that went on between them, but I still feel that is pretty weird, considering they weren’t committed enough to even label their relationship as a dating one.

Now that they’ve started dating, which hasn’t been for over a month, her boyfriend will sometimes stay over at our house in the guest bedroom. But she will end up falling asleep and staying there as well. And sometimes when I come home I’ll knock on the door to our room, it’ll be locked, and then her boyfriend will answer- it’s obvious they were cuddling together and bed, and it just feels weird to me.

I don’t think that they’re having sex, but I still find this concerning. I’m worried it could lead there, and I care about both of them. My roommate and I are good friends, but I feel like I may be overstepping my bounds if I criticize her relationship, or that she may perceive it that way. However, I really don’t feel like sleeping in the same bed is going in the right direction. From my own struggles, I know that flirting with temptation can lead to sexual immorality. Are my concerns warranted? How can I talk to her in a way that will express my concern and love, and not come across as judegemental?

You are right to address it. The roommate who is a Christian and sleeping with a guy she’s not married to isn’t right, and it gives the appearance of evil which we are to avoid. It puts you in a very uncomfortable position too. She sleeps with him, you come home and the door is locked? They are very very likely having sex. You don’t know for sure, but that’s a good indicator they’re up to no good in locking the bedroom door. I would for sure address it with her. She knows it’s wrong, and she’s in trouble if that’s what she’s doing.

You don’t have to condemn her, but I would let her know you’re very concerned for her, and that it does make you very uncomfortable. She knows better. I would feel obligated to the Lord to correct her big time.