Relationship - Hot and cold

[Ben Collyer]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

 

[faroukfarouk]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

Hi; so do you guys read the Bible and pray together?

This is a solid foundation.

In the end for both of you it's the Godward side that needs prioritizing, right?

 

[ReesePiece23]

Anxiety possibly? Perhaps during times of absence, the anticipation of seeing her again builds up to such intense levels, that when you do see her, it's all a bit overwhelming. To the point that it blunts the excitement of seeing her.

Or, there's a distinction between the fantasy version of her (that you create) and the reality version.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Anxiety possibly? Perhaps during times of absence, the anticipation of seeing her again builds up to such intense levels, that when you do see her, it's all a bit overwhelming. To the point that it blunts the excitement of seeing her.

Or, there's a distinction between the fantasy version of her (that you create) and the reality version.

You may be right in some of your observations; often there is a whole thought world out there that is not necessarily the real one.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

...you might want to think about whether or not your feelings of "missing her" are greater than your lack of passion for her when she's near. And also, even if your feelings of "missing her" are significant, you may want to ask yourself what specifically it is that you miss. If you simply "miss" the convenience of companionship, that's probably not something substantive enough to enable you to love her the way she would want to be in a marriage relationship. So.............if there's not much there, don't drag her through your 'explorations.'

As a friend, I'm just sayin', Ben.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[Petros2015]

Or, there's a distinction between the fantasy version of her (that you create) and the reality version.

You might be in love with the image of what you want her to be vs who she is. Which is not to say you can't be in love with who she is, but you need to spend time with her discovering that in reality, vs in the mind and imagination. It's a subtle thing, but dangerous. Almost a strange kind of idol worship where the construct of the person gets the love and communication and intimacy vs the actual real person. Of course, the construct never argues with you and causes problems, but then the real person can't live up to the expectations.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Anxiety possibly? Perhaps during times of absence, the anticipation of seeing her again builds up to such intense levels, that when you do see her, it's all a bit overwhelming. To the point that it blunts the excitement of seeing her.

Or, there's a distinction between the fantasy version of her (that you create) and the reality version.

thats an interesting perspective, I do tend to think of her as a stunning blonde beach babe with a bible in my head...but then I meet her and I see the real her and my balloon goes *pop*

 

[Ben Collyer]

You might be in love with the image of what you want her to be vs who she is. Which is not to say you can't be in love with who she is, but you need to spend time with her discovering that in reality, vs in the mind and imagination. It's a subtle thing, but dangerous. Almost a strange kind of idol worship where the construct of the person gets the love and communication and intimacy vs the actual real person. Of course, the construct never argues with you and causes problems, but then the real person can't live up to the expectations.

again that is very interesting... the trouble is...she is very generous...forgiving...kind...gentle...her spirit is beautiful...and when I imagine her in my head alone....her attributes....her body...I feel excited to be her boyfriend...wow...but when we meet in real life that excitement is vanquished....

 

[mukk_in]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

Ben, good to see you again son. Let the Lord guide you in these matters. I hope that you started out being brother and sister in Christ. Passion can be deceiving, but steadfast love will always endure. I recommend reading and meditating over Song of Songs and 1 Corinthians 13:4-12 again. God bless .

 

[faroukfarouk]

thats an interesting perspective, I do tend to think of her as a stunning blonde beach babe with a bible in my head...but then I meet her and I see the real her and my balloon goes *pop*

Well, why not concentrate on the Bible aspect with her? you guys could develop a common interest in Bible study, which would be really good for both of you.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Ben, good to see you again son. Let the Lord guide you in these matters. I hope that you started out being brother and sister in Christ. Passion can be deceiving, but steadfast love will always endure. I recommend reading and meditating over Song of Songs and 1 Corinthians 13:4-12 again. God bless .

Yes, the Godward side is foundational!

By God's grace my wife and I have been reading the Word together since we were married.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Well, why not concentrate on the Bible aspect with her? you guys could develop a common interest in Bible study, which would be really good for both of you.

just for the sake of it?

 

[cuja1]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

I think it's a sign that you want a relationship but not one with her.

 

[Ben Collyer]

Guys, Just to add some perspective, I have been dating this girl on and off for 4 years, I know her very well

 

[faroukfarouk]

just for the sake of it?

Good for both of you! and it is supposed to lay a good foundation for your Godward relationship and knowledge of the Saviour, right?

 

[Ben Collyer]

Good for both of you! and it is supposed to lay a good foundation for your Godward relationship and knowledge of the Saviour, right?

we have studied the bible together many times, It didnt make my feelings toward her any clearer

 

[faroukfarouk]

we have studied the bible together many times, It didnt make my feelings toward her any clearer

Well, maybe she's not the one, if your thoughts are not clear about her?

Bible reading is indeed profitable, in any case.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Guys, Just to add some perspective, I have been dating this girl on and off for 4 years, I know her very well

So do you maybe share? - or could you develop? - some other common interests? e.g., gardening, travel, visiting old folk, tattoos/jewelry; reading books, etc.?

 

[Hidden In Him]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

Hi Ben.

Let me ask you something: Do you feel you start to put up barriers whenever you are actually close to one another?

 

[cuja1]

Ive been dating a woman for a while now and when Im not with her I miss her and want to be with her...even marry her...but when we are together in real life I feel cold...I dont want to be with her....I feel no passion....is that a sign of a fear? or just a sign that i dont want her

Do you consider yourself to be an introvert? If so marriage may not be right for you, unless you enjoy spending lots of time with someone.