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Featured Relationship Advice - I turned a girl down because of behavior that disturbed me

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Trayalc, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

    (° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,607
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    ***DANGER! DANGER!***
    Trust is a critical part of any relationship. If she is already accusing you of dishonesty, I would stay away, for now at least. I will explain below.

    Absolutely, you made the right decision. It seems as though she is a very sweet girl. But if she is having trust issues, she is not ready to be in a relationship. She has a deep rooted emotional wound that she still needs to work though. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX IT! I cannot emphasize that enough. Now, I am not saying that she is not the one God has in store for you. I am not saying no, I am saying not yet. Give her space and time to allow God to be the Great Physician. Perhaps she will come around. Did you explain to her honestly why you rejected her?
     
  2. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

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    Unfortunately, I am unable to translate my thoughts into words while under pressure very well :sweatsmile: I felt like I was floundering around in my explanation. I did try to make her understand that what she and her father did upset and bothered me. I even pointed it out that what she said gave me the idea that she didn't trust me. I hesitate to tell her that I was interested until Sunday night since that seems a bit harsh, but at the same time, it's sort of the truth.
    Part of the reason I was struggling to come to an answer is because everything that happened the night before was so sudden and unexpected. I was gaining feelings for a girl who I never thought would do that. I was still taken aback by all of it; I wasn't sure what to say.
     
  3. Danielwright2311

    Danielwright2311 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,246
    United States
    Christian
    Divorced
    I am divorced and Have had two wemon recently try to do everything to be with me.

    One curses God all the time in her speech and the other does not belive, I will not be with either one.

    Some times waiting for the right woman is best.
     
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  4. Tetra

    Tetra Well-Known Member

    +666
    Christian
    Married
    Get out of there bro!!! She's a crazy one for sure. You're in college. Focus on getting awesome marks, graduating and getting a sick job. Women come and go man, there is nothing to even think about.
     
  5. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

    +10,498
    Christian
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    Is that what she told you when you discussed it with her?

    Which you did, right?
     
  6. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,222
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Is it entirely possible that there might be something inappropriate / weird about the father's relationship with his daughter?
     
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  7. The Righterzpen

    The Righterzpen Jesus is my Shield in any Desert or Storm

    +531
    United States
    Reformed
    Widowed
    Based on what you describe here - Unfortunately Gracia Signah is probably correct! I've seen this phenomena in many case studies of families dealing with incest.

    My suggestion would be; that if you want to pursue a relationship with this girl, and dad indeed does have cancer, remain her friend and wait and see if dad dies. Then be prepared to deal with a lot of fallout! Be prepared to get help to; most people can not recover from something like this without professional assistance.

    Statistically speaking, people who come from families with profound levels of dysfunction do not recover unless they separate themselves from that family. They often can't do that because their sense of self is so damaged by the mind games the family plays. I know; I came out of that environment myself. It took 30 years to recover.

    So, know and understand, if you pursue a relationship with this girl (even if you are just her friend); the relationship will try you psychologically and you will have to do some soul searching on your own. If you can truly love this girl with no strings attached, than you can be a great blessing to her. Know though that it will be messy and it won't be easy.
     
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  8. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

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    Yes, that is the explanation she gave me. At first I thought the no-pictures rule was just her father's controlling nature and was against her desires, but she seems to be very sensitive about it all too. I think it's been drilled into her head all her life, and it does not seem to have a very healthy effect (seems like paranoia).
     
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  9. gym_class_hero

    gym_class_hero Well-Known Member

    642
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  10. gym_class_hero

    gym_class_hero Well-Known Member

    642
    +688
    Christian
    Married
    Absent a picture of this girl, I am unable to opine.
     
  11. Dorothy Mae

    Dorothy Mae Well-Known Member

    +568
    Switzerland
    Non-Denom
    Married
    She falsely accused you of lying. How can she be kind and do that? My advise is run the other way. How can you be friends with one who accuses you of lying??
     
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  12. Dorothy Mae

    Dorothy Mae Well-Known Member

    +568
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    They accused you of lying, a very serious accusation. Liars go to hell. My advise is run.
     
  13. SteveIndy

    SteveIndy IndyWatchman.com Supporter

    360
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    US-Others
    You sound like a reasonable person and your decision to stand back and wait is wisdom. Continue to pray and don't let your emotions decide for you. As far as the pictures go she is no more a crack-pot than anyone else; it is a human condition. If she has not thought through her reasoning and only follows her dad then she needs to grow-up and not be afraid of a camera, they are a fact of life. If by chance you were to marry her would you not take pictures of your marriage ceremony and you children? If her father is domineering you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Long term commitments are filled with many sacrifices. You need to ask yourself what kinds of sacrifices you are willing to make? Fear is a dreadful thing and fear in a Christian is very bad.
     
  14. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

    +1,208
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Constitution
    Ok first off, if you decided to remain 'friends', then you do not go on dates with them.

    The purpose of dating, is to find a wife. You have no intention of marrying her, then you need to stop dating her. Someone else, someone who could be a wonderful wife to you, is not going to date you, if they see you going out with this other girl.

    Just like if I was interested in some girl, and I saw her dating another guy, I would not be asking her out on a date.

    You are harming your chance of find someone for you, by going out with someone who isn't for you.

    So let me back up.... what she did, seems very strange to me.

    This girl is a little strange, and has something wrong.

    My view is, you made the right choice. This isn't the girl for you. She flew off the handle, made some bad comments, and wouldn't even allow you to prove your case before making these remarks.

    Now let me address one last thing.
    You asked :
    "how might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?"

    I'm not real big on G-d giving people these jigsaw puzzles of endless subtle clues on what to do in life.

    If G-d really wants you to do something, he'll let you know, and it will be clear and obvious.

    Specifically as it relates to finding a wife, the Bible does not have instances where G-d directed someone to go and pick a specific wife. The Bible talks about searching, hunting, finding a good spouse.

    In other words, G-d expects you to go and look, and consider, and make good choices. The obvious requirements are, be a Christian, and be a moral person. You should never date a pagan, under any circumstances.

    But beyond that, the most baffling thing I see young people doing, is they marry someone, and then they have all these problems. You ask them.... "Did your spouse do that before you got married?" And I hear these answers like:

    "Well yeah, but I thought.... that when we got married..... you know that...."

    Listen.... dating is when you find out if the other person is crazy. When you marry, there is no magic, that makes them a wonderful spouse. What they are now, is likely what they will be in the future.

    This girl is a little off.... If she's off now, and accusing you of lying and make demands.... when she just barely knows you.... then that is how she will be as a wife, only worse.

    You have your answer. Move on. Find someone who isn't crazy.

    That's my advice.
     
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  15. BunkerBuster91

    BunkerBuster91 New Member

    58
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    my best advice to you since you both still friends. Talk to her face to face show her the photos and ask why are you like this and tell her i wont do anything to hurt you and i really like you now if she controling just leave i have talk to many women most are confusing or controling or both but just tell her how you feel and how she feel tell her i wont do that js
     
  16. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,289
    Messianic
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    What is maybe most concerning in all of this is that the father is butting in, and the daughter is letting him. He gets to attack you, and she doesn't show any concern about that, but piles on.
     
  17. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Well-Known Member

    +1,769
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    What happens if you draw a picture of her dad?

    Sounds like someone who is hiding something to me and doesn't want to be picked up or identified.
    How long have they been in the area?
     
  18. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

    31
    +65
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Taking it kind of hard today. I haven't seen her since Monday, and I do miss her. But I understand she needs the space, and we both need the time to let this blow over. I hate knowing I've upset someone this much... it makes me feel like I'm at fault.
     
  19. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

    31
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    I'm pretty sure she's lived her whole life in the state I live in.
     
  20. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,289
    Messianic
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    It seems to me that the ones who started the upset would be her and her father.

    Living in the "state"? A state is generally a really big place. Someone can be no one special in one part of it and infamous in another. Also you say she has lived in the state all her life, but did not say where her father has been. I suspect Petros may be onto something. Have you considered doing a criminal records check? Just a thought.
     
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