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Featured Relationship Advice - I turned a girl down because of behavior that disturbed me

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Trayalc, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. parousia70

    parousia70 I'm livin' in yesterday's tomorrow Supporter

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    There is no expectation of Privacy in public.
    Everywhere we go we are on camera... every building we walk by, every stoplight we pass through, every bank lobby, grocery store, you name it...smile, you're on candid camera.

    In this day and age, If you don't want your picture taken, best to just stay inside, close the curtains and wrap yourself up in a tiny ball and hug yourself tightly.
    Uber eats will bring you food.
    Most grocers will deliver supplies like toilet paper.
    The internet has all the entertainment and social interaction anyone could need.

    picsnocrime.jpg
     
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  2. SeventhFisherofMen

    SeventhFisherofMen Invisible Hero Supporter

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    I think you dodged a bullet. In short good decision, stick with it. If you got serious with her and got married you would not only inherit her fear of cameras ( and who knows what else) but her father would be your father in law.
     
  3. Foxfyre

    Foxfyre Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I don't know. This seems like such a strong reaction as to be beyond what is considered normal, even with people who hate having their picture taken. The seeming paranoia about your taking photos and assuming it was of them--certainly many others were also taking photos that night--is a real concern. If they are in a witness protection program or something requiring they not be in recognizable photos, they shouldn't attend such events at all. And certainly they should explain why photos are a problem instead of accusing you. I would have to see that as a very large cautionary red flag.

    And the fact that she immediately didn't believe you when you said they were unidentifiable in the most generic crowd shot is a huge red flag. Nobody needs that kind of paranoia, unreasonable demands with no explanation for the necessity of them, or that kind of distrust first rattle out of the box. In today's culture, quick snapshots with phones etc. are pretty much part of most gatherings. Will there be a scene with your friends and family every time that happens?

    I think you are probably very wise to not get into this relationship regardless of whatever attraction exists. Lots of things attract us that are very bad for us. This may be one of them.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
  4. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Hi OP,

    Dating is an interview for marriage. Do you want to deal with this style of conflict resolution for the rest of your life?

    This is why it's important to assume the mindset of a freeloader for your first several dates. Not freeloading in the sense of taking advantage of a person, but of evaluating "what does this person have to offer me?" As Dave Ramsey advises about buying a car, don't marry the car when you arrive because you'll be blinded to the flaws and negotiation tactics of the dealership. Same with dates.

    In this phase do not offer dating exclusivity. That will help you keep things in perspective as to whether there is something here for you, or if there are better options out there.

    If after several dates you find there may be something in this relationship for you, then you can transition to a renter. A renter has a pragmatic approach and if too many flaws in the rental show up, or major ones, they move on. Stay in this stage until you are married.

    When you marry, pivot to become a buyer. At this point any flaws found are diligently pursued and repaired, etc etc.

    If it were me, I'd move on. If the "freeloader" phase is not knocking it out of the ball park for you, there is no obligation to continue.

    I'd also develop a mindset of dating a lot of girls. This helps you stay in the freeloader mindset long enough to find an outstanding candidate among a selection of candidates.
     
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  5. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Active Member

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    I think it's good to ask permission to take photos. I don't think there is any issue with people not wanting their photos taken.

    The issue here is lack of trust. She made a rash accusation and refused to believe you when you provided an explanation.

    You simply cannot have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you.
     
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  6. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

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    Has it now become wise to believe whatever a person says after one date? Is it normal now for a girl to believe any excuse a guy gives for doing something that upsets her? If this girl was to write a post saying that a guy did something that deeply hurt her and gave an excuse for it........would all the replies state that she should take him at his word and trust everything he said always because they had been on one date? I think not.

    So why is this girl a lost cause because she chose not to believe, without question, the reason the poster gave for doing something upsetting to her?
     
  7. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Active Member

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    I think you should get to know her better. She sounds like a good girl but might be under some hard rules at home. I think the reactions you saw were more from her dad's influence on her than her own decision. Seems like she has an overbearing father. I think you should try again
     
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  8. unfinishedclay

    unfinishedclay Member

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    Hi Trayalc. My concern reading your post is that she accused you of lying when you expressed innocent intentions. What's even more concerning is that she and her dad expressed these feelings together. In a relationship, this likely will not go away but will manifest in all major and minor issues. Whether you view this last episode as major or minor, think about other issues that they've already proven (in this early dating stage) that your future innocent intentions about anything/innocent claims can become scrutinized.

    There seems to be safety in friendship.

    I understand shying away from cameras and videos. I assume they'd never attend a church where video activity and photo-taking happen for any reason - media-related/post-related or not. But giving somebody the hard time of false accusation when they're trying to explain innocent intentions is just extra.

    If you decide to pursue more than a friendship in the long run, take preventive measures like buying some good books to encourage you with thorough insight, keep a playlist of some helpful youtube videos, and also start journaling - all to help you navigate. It looks like it would be a pretty rough ride beyond friendship - doable maybe, but rough when trust is thrown out the window from day one...well, two.
     
  9. Ken Rank

    Ken Rank Well-Known Member Supporter

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    What would you rather have... an overprotective father and a girl grounded in the Word of God with a quirk or two... or a girl who is worldly because she had parents that raised her without boundaries?

    If it were me... and this is just what I would do, I am not telling you to do anything... I would bring her over and open up the pix. I would let her look through them, they are NUMBERED, and she will see you were telling the truth. It is then that I would tell her that you are not a liar and that trust is important to you. Then, I would would step back and see what happens.

    You don't run into many people in life you can really (I mean REALLY) care for... so don't be too quick to pull the exit trigger on this one. IMHO
     
  10. Jon Osterman

    Jon Osterman Well-Known Member

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    You made the right decision. You don't need that sort of grief in your life. Best to stay well away from her. If I were you, I would break off the friendship too.
     
  11. mnphysicist

    mnphysicist Have Courage to Trust God!

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    My late wife was photo adverse, especially so if there was any way a photograph could be linked to her, ie connections to the photographer etc. In large part, this was due to personal security concerns from her career in the legal profession. Granted, one can't do anything in the public without risk of being photographed, and/or captured on video. Which over the years can and did happen... and she rolled with it. However being captured on an image inadvertently by some unknown photographer is vastly different than being photographed by someone you might have a connection with, no matter how different. Lastly, as the years passed, her need for hyper vigilance dropped off, and in her last few years, she even consented to be on TV a few times.

    You don't necessarily know the underlying reasons for her and her fathers actions. If its over protectionism, that could be a red flag you don't want to deal with. If its something with a true underlying basis, which they may or may not ever want to disclose, such is a different matter entirely... but irrespective of that, it can be a royal pain to deal with.
     
  12. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

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    I did send her the picture of the crowd (the only one they were in) and asked if there was a problem with that one. When I showed and explained that to her, she responded "Do you think he could have deleted some photos before he showed them to you?" She seems to be thoroughly convinced of what happened that night.

    EDIT: Ah, I see what you mean with the numbered photographs. I didn't think about that. Theoretically, that should convince her.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019
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  13. Trayalc

    Trayalc New Member

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    The quote above is basically the explanation she herself gave me. At first I thought this was a problem with her father (and he is the root of it, I believe), but she is also exhibiting the same paranoia as him. She told me that during the orchestra concert (which is what the event was), she was super stressed out and started crying, and that what happened absolutely ruined her night.
    The tragic part of all this, and also why I feel so terrible for her, is that, among other hard things in her life, her father is suffering from cancer. She told me she feels like he is on a timer, and she wants a good relationship with him before he passes, if that happens. I think she feels that she must please him at every step of the way, before she might have to say goodbye, and that breaks my heart. I don't know if that makes what they did on Sunday any better, but I let her know I'm still here for her if she ever needs me.
     
  14. SleepingAtLast

    SleepingAtLast Member

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    It sounds like you've been a really good friend to her. If I were in your shoes, my initial reaction would be to think that she and her dad are way too uptight about the whole photographing thing, but I think if I really valued her friendship that much, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and have a conversation with her so that I could understand why she is so opposed to having her picture taken. If she gives a reasonable answer, it is something I would be able to move past.
    The thing that I think is most concerning is her unwillingness to trust you when you told her that no pictures were being taken directly of her, and that you only possessed the one photo that just happened to distantly include her in it. If she isn't willing to trust you now, how can you expect her to trust you in a relationship? So those are some things that I think you would have to work out before you could really move forward past friendship. I think where things are now is a good place for you both at the moment, and from everything you have described it sounds like you handled it all the right way.
     
  15. Cis.jd

    Cis.jd Well-Known Member

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    I say, don't take it personal (even though it is). You don't know the roots of the father in regards to stuff like that. I recall one dad whose daughter was stalked by a group of people. Some would randomly take her pictures even if she was with her parents at the groceries.. after that, her dad was very sensitive to random photos being taken of him or his family.

    People grow, even at a certain age. In time her dad may get over being over protective or hot headed because he will eventually have to once his daughter gets older.

    We all have things that we are sensitive about, you as well may show qualities in the future that they may interpret as horrible. I say, just give it time. Don't shelf or bench the girl though, trust me most of us guys look back at girls we had connections and opportunities with but it never happened due to our egos or whatever.
     
  16. Ken Rank

    Ken Rank Well-Known Member Supporter

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    It should have... but it didn't. Look, you have to do as you feel led. All I am saying is, at 53 years old, I know that >>NO<< person is without quirks. :) We all have "something" and if this is hers... and imposed on her by her father, than over time I think this one softens and you'll end up fighting over whether or not the toilet paper should come over in front, or from behind. ^_^
     
  17. thecolorsblend

    thecolorsblend If God is your Father, who is your Mother?

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    I dated a girl with a kind of similar situation. She was 26 going on 14 as far as her blowhard domineering father was concerned. She called him every time she went from one place to another. Restaurant to movie theater, movie theater to coffee shop, coffee shop to a friend's house, friend's house to wherever else, all those movements were accompanied by phone calls.

    She was closer to 30 than 20 and she didn't see a problem with any of that.

    It was sick.

    I say all that to say that those Daddy's Little Princess types are annoying bigly. Daddy won't mind his own business if you're unfortunate enough to marry his wacky daughter. His behavior isn't likely to change and neither is hers.

    Bottom line? You're definitely better off without those two weirdos in your life.
     
  18. paul becke

    paul becke Regular Member Supporter

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    Is it such a sensitive subject that you don't feel you could ask her the reason for their angry reaction to such a mundane, even banal course of action as photographing them ? Would she and her father feel the same way if you wanted to paint a portrait of them ?

    Quite elementry questions that shouldn't need to be asked, aren't they ?
     
  19. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    You deserve respect from any girl you date, and she is not giving that to you. To give her one last chance, you should talk about this with her. You might say something like,

    "About the photos - I care about your apparently being offended that photos with you in them were taken, but I have never met anyone who had such a strong problem with photos being taken of a crowd at an event. Could you explain to me why this offended you so much?"

    If she doesn't answer you in a respectful, reasonable, mature manner, then save yourself the trouble of having a relationship with her. If she cannot or will not have an adult conversation with you about something that matters to her, then she's not relationship material. She's not entitled to throwing unquestioned tantrums at you for well-intended, normal things.
     
  20. jkjk

    jkjk 초능력을 쓴다

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    Is the father receiving treatment for cancer, like chemo or radiation therapy? If so, might the root cause be that he is sensitive or embarrassed by his appearance? Maybe the girl is making excuses--wittingly or unwittingly--to cover for him?

    She seems like she is going through a lot. People react strongly when under stress. If it really bothers you that much and you really care about her, then I would talk to her about it as a friend. But you have to approach that conversation as someone with an open heart and mind, not as an accuser or someone who feels wounded.

    All that said, the fact that she is going through so much right now is a sign that you should proceed cautiously no matter what you decide--for her sake as much as yours.
     
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