I feel no change from being saved I feel no change from baptism. All I feel is, God doesn't give a cr*p.
He's doomed me with my habits, he's doomed me with my career field, he's doomed me financially.
Perhaps He hasn't done this
to you, but rather
for you. Night comes before day, so your spiritual and carnal enemies will come at you first - especially since you have the
audacity to go against your "nature" and seek out the Most High. Just as sin is offensive to the Most High, so is righteousness to our enemies - of which many
rule this cosmos/world/reality.
He hasn't abandoned you, but you are a spirit enveloped in matter; you will need to be patient with you
body even though your spirit is ready to be righteous (spirit: willing, flesh: weak). This means that you need to
forgive yourself 7 x 70 times for each unique sin
at least: it was a
basic suggestion by the Word of the Most High, but we can always do
more.
And now I go to inappropriate content and ruin further my relationship with my gf. Because I don't care, for some reason I don't care before using.
This is exactly how the oppressive assault goes:
1. Think about the sin
2. Despite resistance, find a way to sin
3. After sinning, you develop
exploitable guilt
4. Your guilt makes you
REPEAT STEP #1
So, you see that you must "calibrate" your guilt: it is
useful, because it
convicts you of your wrong doing; however, it is also used to exploit you so that you keep repeating the same sin. It is crucial you think about this, because this is
the mechanism (in my opinion) that keeps
decent (e.g. seekers of the Most High) people in a perpetuity of the same sin.
The Most High is incredibly aware of the fake gods and powers/principalities/entities that oppress this "universe," and His people. He is immensely patient, and compassionate; He understands what you are dealing with, and how insidious your enemies are (as well as their disproportionate power over us as carnal beings). What you have to do is focus on the decision you made to obey the Most High, and if you slip, you take the
conviction/consequences of your actions, and move on with righteousness knowing you don't have to feel guilty if you are truly repentant.
I will not comment on the relationship with your girlfriend except that you should be convicted of the effect it has on your relationship, but you also realize that it has a (negative) effect on your partner - which is an accomplishment.
The truth is bitter-sweet.
I feel like my life has gotten worse the closer I try to get with God, I've had a dream/hallucination while in my sleep that a demon pierced his hand in my heart. Waking up I felt pain in the exact area.
That is the assault of your spiritual enemies making you feel like your life has gotten worse the closer you try to get to the Most High.
By definition, if you get closer to the Most High,
your like has no option but to get better. Our battle is with spirit, not flesh (which rots to decomposition, and is subject to rudimentary physical/"natural" law).
I feel more lost and feel more anger toward God.
I pray he helps me, but I remain wicked.
That is the assault of your spiritual enemies making you feel more lost and angry toward the Most High. In fact, you anger is misplaced; you are angry at the
spirits that keep oppressing you and making your
carnal body do things your spirit does not want to do.
By definition, the closer you get to the Most High, the more
found you are.
Nothing helps this feeling of hopelessness, no prayer no scripture no book no counseling.
Trust in the Most High, and the Holy Spirit. These
real entities are your way - with the Living Entity known as the Christ/Son of Man. Feelings
lie; they are exploited by your spiritual enemies. Trust the truth/
definitions you know about the Most High.