Hi all,
I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.
I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.
It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.
And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?
But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.
I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.
I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.
I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.
It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.
And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?
But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.
I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.