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Hate&Rage

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Hi all,

I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.

I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.

It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.

And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?

But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.

I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.
 

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Hi all,

I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.

I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.

It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.

And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?

But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.

I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.

If people get the wrong view of God they end up hating God.. But if people seek God and the truth of God is revealed to them then they can decide to either Believe and embrace the truth of God or they can reject God..

What you and others in your position must be fully confident of is,, Was the view of you you had / have an accurate view of the Auctual God of Abraham.. Or is it a false view and you are simply hating on a false god who is really not God at all? Could it be you think you are hating God when in truth you have really never known God...

I see a lot of younger Christians who have a view that God will protect them and help them do what they want to do and reward them in this life for doing what seems to be His will or leading... They end up in a rage because they feel they are victims of a great injustice from God when things go pair shaped in their lives...

Jesus said:::

John 16: KJV
33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Matthew 10: KJV
{22} And ye shall be hated of all men for my name’s sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved."

So we shall suffer tribulations in this world and we shall also be hated if we stand for God.. So these red letter verses come directly from the mouth of Jesus making it clear that believing Jesus and serving Jesus is not a ticket to a life of bliss and acceptance.. it is actually a life where we shall be hated shunned and persecuted and mocked...
 
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Maria.V.H

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Hi all,

I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.

I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.

It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.

And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?

But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.

I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.
I have tried that too, to be angry, i have said bad things about God, when i lost my temper. This mostly happens when people are holier than thou, this bothers me. But i think it´s my insecurity that speaks. i feel bad afterwards. I have come to understand that my outbursts are not against God, it is against people and myself, but God was the closest one to blame:)

I don´t know your story, but my childhood was very controlled, therefore i am very allergic to people telling me what to do. This is wrong, but it is also wrong for people to try to say that we are wrong and act like the judge of the world, because there is only one judge, and it is not us!

I personally think this life is ours, i do understand that people have different views than me. My views are that this is our playground, we do things to each other and ourselves. There is no God here, God don´t call us to do anything. Yes God can help us, but we need to proove our worth. This is why i think i´m here, to learn, to evolve as a human, to prove my words, life is simply a school.

I think it´s very important to take responsibility for our own lives, we can´t just throw everything at God, we have to do the hard work, it all starts with us. You only have power over yourself, you can only change yourself, you can´t change anyone else. Maybe you should move the focus on you. Maybe God betrayed you, but maybe you betrayed yourself too. I know i have betrayed myself a million times, and i have betrayed God too more than i have betrayed myself, and i take fully responsibillity for it, by not blaming anyone else but myself in that situation, but i´m human, i often do and say things i don´t mean, and i think God knows that, and forgives, because it´s about one thing, and one thing only and that is love.

I think you should take it step by step, who says you can´t return to where you once were?? It´s like you put yourself in jail, you don´t deserve to be there, please come out and play in the sunshine.. It´s never to late for anything, as long as we live there is time. I think we should just do the best we can, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe you hate God, but maybe God loves you regardless of your hate...
 
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_-iconoclast-_

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Hi all,

I've recently realized that I cannot seem to ever recover from my intense hatred and rage against God at certain times. I used to be a church-going, God-loving youth. There was a time I even had daily quiet time, lead youth groups, was actively serving in church.

I went through a drought after my tough time throughout a PhD project which ended in I not being able to continue with all the abuse from supervisors and physical injury to myself. It's a long story on how I got into this project, but it involved thinking God called me to it, and quitting my comfortable job.

It seems that I never fully recovered since then. Right after leaving the project, I would blame God for every single thing that happened and was in my own mind depressed (I did not see a shrink for proper diagnosis, being unable to afford them). After giving myself and people around me such a tough time, I resorted to become better and to heal.

And it seems I did. It has been 2 years now, and I had a period of about 6 months where I no longer thought God was to blame for everything. After not going to church for about a year, I sought to attend one, and made an effort to pray (in my heart) and attend a cell group. Of course, other things had yet to be back to normal. I was unable to come back into worship just yet, and church-talk was now foreign to me, even though I grew up with it. I felt like an alien but all will be good in time, aye?

But today, I got into an petty spat with my housemate, who used the phrase "God will judge". It triggered something inside me. I instantly went into a rage and dished out all kinds of obscenities against God. I told him God no longer was in my life and therefore judgement wasn't coming to me. I had so much pent up hurt, hate, rage, whatever it was till it was like a great burning sensation inside on my chest. I even told him I will kill God if he appeared before me. And these feelings were so real inside of me.

I feel now that I may have crossed too many lines and internalized too much to ever return to the place I once belonged to. In my mind, I now know God should not be blamed, but internally it seems my heart still feels betrayed.

Im sorry to hear and I will pray for u.

Correct me if im wrong. You first experienced this feeling of rage against God when this project fell apart. You left due to abusive behaviour.

What was the project?
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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Not sure your denomination but I can tell you many leave Christianity because of bad christians who throw verses/views at you. In my case it was "Your not a real christian or you would be healed!" or "You must pray wrong/not hard enough/not have enough faith". Along with the judging line.

My first advice is find a new housemate who isn't "holier then thou". Second advice is remember HE will also be judged for angering a brother in the Lord. And for being prideful/cocky about his faith. Though to be fair maybe he has issues going on that hes hiding and hes just taking it out on you because he is mad himself but doesn't want to admit it. Projecting I think they call it.

As for the blame thing, I went through that cycle for 15+ years. I blamed God for everything and anything. The church and people hurt me badly. I began to swear, look at inappropriate content and do things I can't even mention on here because they are dark. I took Gods name in vain all the time. I cursed Him. Told Him how cruel and evil He was.

Eventually I got out of that phase after non-holier then thou christians helped me out in seeing some things. Like about holier then thou people and how it doesn't matter what they say, it only matter what God says. All are flawed, even christians. Its why some judge harshly. God never looks to harm us. Whatever paths we have in life, He tries to help us through them. Because sin exists from biting the apple, suffering exists.

I remind people when your going through a hard time and crying and angry. God is next to you with His hand on your shoulder crying with you and telling you "I am here my son, I have not left you. Things will get better!".

As for crossing the line. Theres no line you can cross really to not go back to Him. He is always forgiving and loving. Just pray for forgiveness, repent and mean it. He will forgive and all is good.
 
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Hate&Rage

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So we shall suffer tribulations in this world and we shall also be hated if we stand for God.. So these red letter verses come directly from the mouth of Jesus making it clear that believing Jesus and serving Jesus is not a ticket to a life of bliss and acceptance.. it is actually a life where we shall be hated shunned and persecuted and mocked...

It's more of a disconnect between head and heart. In my head, I can reason why I shouldn't blame God (blimey, most of those things are my fault!). But in my heart, the hurt is internalized, and in my rage it points to God. Worst still, getting rid of God made things feel better. Because if God is not in the picture anymore, there is no one to blame. Unfortunately, this has been one of the more effective ways of coping, but it really broke my mother's heart.

Im sorry to hear and I will pray for u.

Correct me if im wrong. You first experienced this feeling of rage against God when this project fell apart. You left due to abusive behaviour.

What was the project?
It was about providing electricity to remote villages. I was quite the altruist at the time, and most people who did not know my ordeal will still think me as such. Now all I can think of is business though. I remember how shock an old friend was while we had conversation.

As for crossing the line. Theres no line you can cross really to not go back to Him. He is always forgiving and loving. Just pray for forgiveness, repent and mean it. He will forgive and all is good.

I do hope so, I am so lost. Where do I start? I randomly am reading through Mark, trying to call out to God occasionally and just hope there's someone listening. Just don't know how to get back.
 
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Adstar

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It's more of a disconnect between head and heart. In my head, I can reason why I shouldn't blame God (blimey, most of those things are my fault!). But in my heart, the hurt is internalized, and in my rage it points to God. Worst still, getting rid of God made things feel better. Because if God is not in the picture anymore, there is no one to blame. Unfortunately, this has been one of the more effective ways of coping, but it really broke my mother's heart.

Why not blame satan who by his sabotage caused the creation to fall into sin and become the way it is now? Why Blame God who is working to restore creation back to it's Good state..

Why not simply accept that in this faulty world i am going to experience pain and hurt but also know that life is only for a limited time and that God has secured for me an eternal perfect future ... So in the eternal scheme of things this suffering and hurt is like a twinkling of an eye and is as nothing?
 
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_-iconoclast-_

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It's more of a disconnect between head and heart. In my head, I can reason why I shouldn't blame God (blimey, most of those things are my fault!). But in my heart, the hurt is internalized, and in my rage it points to God. Worst still, getting rid of God made things feel better. Because if God is not in the picture anymore, there is no one to blame. Unfortunately, this has been one of the more effective ways of coping, but it really broke my mother's heart.


It was about providing electricity to remote villages. I was quite the altruist at the time, and most people who did not know my ordeal will still think me as such. Now all I can think of is business though. I remember how shock an old friend was while we had conversation.



I do hope so, I am so lost. Where do I start? I randomly am reading through Mark, trying to call out to God occasionally and just hope there's someone listening. Just don't know how to get back.

Hello thanks for the reply. Sorry to sound blunt. :)
Are you a spirit filled christian?
Why are you a believer? What made you believe in Jesus?
 
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Hate&Rage

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Thanks for replying good people.

I think you should take it step by step, who says you can´t return to where you once were?? It´s like you put yourself in jail, you don´t deserve to be there, please come out and play in the sunshine.. It´s never to late for anything, as long as we live there is time. I think we should just do the best we can, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe you hate God, but maybe God loves you regardless of your hate...

Yes, I might be putting myself in jail. I'm trying to come out, I truly am, to the extend of coming here. Which is weird to me, but I'm desperate.


Why not blame satan who by his sabotage caused the creation to fall into sin and become the way it is now? Why Blame God who is working to restore creation back to it's Good state..

Why not simply accept that in this faulty world i am going to experience pain and hurt but also know that life is only for a limited time and that God has secured for me an eternal perfect future ... So in the eternal scheme of things this suffering and hurt is like a twinkling of an eye and is as nothing?
Yes, why not? I don't see why not. As I said, disconnect between head and heart. How do I accept this on a subliminal level rather than logical?

Hello thanks for the reply. Sorry to sound blunt. :)
Are you a spirit filled christian?
Why are you a believer? What made you believe in Jesus?
Probably not right now. Not sure if I ever was. I have no idea what is 'spirit-filled' anyway. Is it the part where you go to conferences and be slain, and laugh holy laughter? Or begin sentences with: God told me that...God wants you to know? When I hear that nowadays, I am like, wow. So how do you know God told you that? How does God speak?

I was a believer (I cannot bring myself to say I'm a believer after the things I have said against God) because I saw how the standards of love in the bible were other worldly. Problem is, I'd never experienced it for myself. All in theory. Even if I did, I would not know where to look perhaps. Perhaps it's not a gushing feeling, perhaps it's just saving us from the things we can't see. It could be anything and I may or may not have experienced/perceived it. I'm spiritually insensitive too. Remember the part about going to spirit filled conferences? I usually am as numb as can be, I never get slain, I never get anything.
 
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Adstar

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"""""Adstar said::Why not blame satan who by his sabotage caused the creation to fall into sin and become the way it is now? Why Blame God who is working to restore creation back to it's Good state..

Why not simply accept that in this faulty world i am going to experience pain and hurt but also know that life is only for a limited time and that God has secured for me an eternal perfect future ... So in the eternal scheme of things this suffering and hurt is like a twinkling of an eye and is as nothing?"""""

"""""Hate&Rage said::
Yes, why not? I don't see why not. As I said, disconnect between head and heart. How do I accept this on a subliminal level rather than logical?"""""

Acknowledge this as true to yourself and speak to God and acknowledge it to Him and i am sure your conscience will come to accept it on a subliminal level and that hate and rage will eventually subside within you..
 
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Adstar

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I was a believer (I cannot bring myself to say I'm a believer after the things I have said against God) because I saw how the standards of love in the bible were other worldly. Problem is, I'd never experienced it for myself. All in theory. Even if I did, I would not know where to look perhaps. Perhaps it's not a gushing feeling, perhaps it's just saving us from the things we can't see. It could be anything and I may or may not have experienced/perceived it. I'm spiritually insensitive too. Remember the part about going to spirit filled conferences? I usually am as numb as can be, I never get slain, I never get anything.

I have never been ""slain"" nor have i ever been to a ""spirit filled conference in my life"" I don't need to experience any gushing feelings.. Salvation is not about rolling around on the floor like a person suffering a epileptic seizure ... Salvation is about Believing Jesus ( that other worldly Love) and trusting in the Atonement He secured to save us...
 
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_-iconoclast-_

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Hello.

Sorry this post may be long.

Pardon my inquisitive nature, those questions were intended to know some basic info without getting too personal.

Spirit filled - means to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Its sterotypical to think of the Holy Spirit as just laughter or rolling around on the floor.

The Holy Spirit is much more.

Corinthians 12:7–11:
Word of wisdom.
Word of knowledge.
Faith.
Gifts of healing.
Working of miracles.
Prophecy.
Discerning of spirits.
Divers kinds of tongues.

Anyone who has accepted Christ and feels new, and has a changed mind has recieved it. The Holy Spirit is The Comforter, who came down on the day of pentecost. Jesus ascended and left us with The Spirit.

I have never experienced laughter or slain in the spirit but i have felt joy, the fruits of the spirit and the presence of God many times.

Gal 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Salvation is accepting Christ. Then you may ask for The Holy Spirit to fill you.

Prompting from the Holy Spirit has a convicting power. God speaks to ppl. He spoke to David, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Jonah etc.

Im not here to push any doctrine onto you. Im not here to cure you. Im here to help a brother - if im any help. :)

The body of Christ is not denominational, the body of Christ are those who hear their sheppard and obey Him.

You were once a believer and you still are. You seem to believe in God, you now have hate and rage instead of love. Which must be a very hard thing if this is in fact the case.

Please correct me if im wrong.

You sais you how the standards of love in Bible were other worldy. Perfectly said.

You read the Bible and hear your sheppard.

Malachi eludes to this.
'Where are you God'
When God is saying
'Where are you'

The formula is you must seek Him with all your heart and have love, faith, and hope in Him.

Mat 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

Wiggleswoth wanted to speak in tongues and after many years he did. If you desire more of a experience with God then seek it with all your heart and leave behind your failures. I have come up short before but we are strong in the Lord. We will endure and complete the test.

The whole thing is a test. We are the harvest.

It is understandable that you feel that God has let you down. This is not God leaving you but satan attacking you at a vulnerable time. Your problem with God is one which many ppl have shared. This is not the time to give up, be patient and keep holding onto your faith, if you can find them, seek help from Christians who understand suffering for Jesus.

If you cant find any, keep talking to me and keep talking to God - who hears you, whether it feels like it or not. Resist the devil and he will leave you.

James 4:7
Submit yourself to God, resist the devil and he will run away from you.

Get thee behind me satan.

These things test our faith, ask God to have the Holy Spirit come and strengthen you.

I will add my prayers to yours.
 
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Hate&Rage

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"""""Hate&Rage said::
Yes, why not? I don't see why not. As I said, disconnect between head and heart. How do I accept this on a subliminal level rather than logical?"""""

Acknowledge this as true to yourself and speak to God and acknowledge it to Him and i am sure your conscience will come to accept it on a subliminal level and that hate and rage will eventually subside within you..

I will certainly try that every morning.
Hello.

Sorry this post may be long.

Pardon my inquisitive nature, those questions were intended to know some basic info without getting too personal.

Spirit filled - means to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Its sterotypical to think of the Holy Spirit as just laughter or rolling around on the floor.

The Holy Spirit is much more.

Corinthians 12:7–11:
Word of wisdom.
Word of knowledge.
Faith.
Gifts of healing.
Working of miracles.
Prophecy.
Discerning of spirits.
Divers kinds of tongues.

Anyone who has accepted Christ and feels new, and has a changed mind has recieved it. The Holy Spirit is The Comforter, who came down on the day of pentecost. Jesus ascended and left us with The Spirit.

I have never experienced laughter or slain in the spirit but i have felt joy, the fruits of the spirit and the presence of God many times.

Gal 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Salvation is accepting Christ. Then you may ask for The Holy Spirit to fill you.

Prompting from the Holy Spirit has a convicting power. God speaks to ppl. He spoke to David, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Jonah etc.

Im not here to push any doctrine onto you. Im not here to cure you. Im here to help a brother - if im any help. :)

The body of Christ is not denominational, the body of Christ are those who hear their sheppard and obey Him.

You were once a believer and you still are. You seem to believe in God, you now have hate and rage instead of love. Which must be a very hard thing if this is in fact the case.

Please correct me if im wrong.

You sais you how the standards of love in Bible were other worldy. Perfectly said.

You read the Bible and hear your sheppard.

Malachi eludes to this.
'Where are you God'
When God is saying
'Where are you'

The formula is you must seek Him with all your heart and have love, faith, and hope in Him.

Mat 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well

Wiggleswoth wanted to speak in tongues and after many years he did. If you desire more of a experience with God then seek it with all your heart and leave behind your failures. I have come up short before but we are strong in the Lord. We will endure and complete the test.

The whole thing is a test. We are the harvest.

It is understandable that you feel that God has let you down. This is not God leaving you but satan attacking you at a vulnerable time. Your problem with God is one which many ppl have shared. This is not the time to give up, be patient and keep holding onto your faith, if you can find them, seek help from Christians who understand suffering for Jesus.

If you cant find any, keep talking to me and keep talking to God - who hears you, whether it feels like it or not. Resist the devil and he will leave you.

James 4:7
Submit yourself to God, resist the devil and he will run away from you.

Get thee behind me satan.

These things test our faith, ask God to have the Holy Spirit come and strengthen you.

I will add my prayers to yours.

No worries, I didn't feel any doctrine being pushed on me nor are you too inquisitive. I'm grateful enough to be heard, and I know you are here to cure. So now I will try to follow the actionable advice that has been given. As I read every word, I felt peace that seems to be falling on my head. Both heart and head has been very heavy for days but it's lifted now.
 
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