Questions about being "in love"

[Liz1965]

I am a 50-year-old woman who has been divorced for about 11 years. I have three adult daughters. I got divorced because my then-husband hated that I was a Christian and also because he was unfaithful.

My question: I have been dating a man (who is also divorced) for 8 years. We have been very happy together. For many years the assumption was that we would never get married because he had decided he could never do it again. We also chose to not live together. Neither of us was being a very good Christian during the early days, and we didn't have a church, so we were living like the world. In the past few years, we have found a church and we are happily back in God's flock. This has brought up the subject of marriage. We know that God wants couples to be married. He believes we should be married too, but he tells me that he has never been "in love" anyone and he thinks he should be "in love" to get married. His behavior is TOTALLY that of someone who is in love. He wants to see me every day. He is loyal and loves to hug me and hold my hand. He calls me his best friend. We do everything together, including praying together. If I try to break up with him (I have tried because I feel like if it is going nowhere then we should break up), he will not disappear. He just keeps showing up. He says he feels physically sick without me, yet he still says he thinks there's an emotion that he's supposed to have which is missing. He doesn't even really know if it exists, but he thinks there's something he's unable to feel.

He thinks there's something wrong with him. He has been saved, but has not really experienced falling in love with Christ. He hears our church group talking about how we feel about God but he doesn't feel the emotion. He has the devotion but not the emotion. Neither of us really knows what to make of this!

Insight anyone?

 

[heliumskylark]

I think there's far too much focus - in the church and in the way we perceive romantic relationships - on feelings. I don't know of anywhere in the Bible that talks about "feeling in love" with Christ; that's a product of Western Christian culture. Devotion without emotion is infinitely better than the other way around in my opinion! Devotion and love are interdependent ("If you love me, you will keep my commands.") - the love is made evident in the devotion regardless of whether the *feeling* is there or not.
Similarly in relationships, love consists of so much more than "feeling in love" (I'm sure you know this better than I do; you have a couple decades of life experience on me ). He's clearly devoted to you.
Could it be a semantic thing? Maybe the word "love" (or "in love") is problematic for him and it's worth reframing it in some other way. Some people are just less emotional than others, or they have a different relationship / way of framing their emotions. We need people like that in the world - it probably manifests itself in other ways in his life that are very beneficial. For example, does he keep his head well in a crisis? Is he able to think rationally through very emotive decisions? I certainly don't think it means there's something wrong with him - he sounds a bit like my husband! Just very level headed and logical - both very valuable traits

 

[heliumskylark]

(Oh, whoops, I've just seen that marrieds aren't supposed to post in this forum. Sorry mods - I was just browsing / reminiscing! )

 

[Liz1965]

This was posted accidentally and I can't figure out how to delete it!

 

[Liz1965]

Thank you for your reply! It made me feel much better. I think you have very accurate insight. It really bothers him that he can't feel "in love" with people or God. He loves people and he's very loyal and will defend you to the end. He is also devoted to and loves God. He thinks he's missing something though. I don't know if he just can't recognize being in love because he has a faulty vision of what it is or if he's just not wired to be very emotional. We've been together for 8-1/2 years (we live separately but we have been together that long), and he didn't think we should get married because he didn't feel "in love" with me (he does love me and tells me several times a day but he thinks "in love" should be different). He said he'd never felt in love with anyone, including his ex-wife with whom he had 4 children. He had this idea that when he was "fixed" he'd start feeling in love. So, he's getting baptized in a couple weeks (he was christened as an infant but not as an adult), and I think he's still hoping this will release something inside him. Anyway, we did decide to get married one day which is a big step, and he gave me a ring for Christmas. He always said he would never marry again. Now we'll see if it ever actually happens! We have 7 children between us who are dying for us to get married. They are all adults but have considered themselves siblings for many years.