Question for other widowed. Other than griefshare, what helped?

[DaveHTexas]

I am prayerful this will find those widowed that are much further along this walk than I am, but here goes nothing.

I lost my beautiful wife of 15 years in July of this year. I have gone through griefshare, just finished it Monday actually. I know I have a long way to go, but I was hoping maybe there was something I could be doing, actively that would shake off the hollow, empty feeling. I understand what it is, I am numb in some ways. I am neither happy, nor sad, I just am. I pray, I do the grief work stuff from the book, I read my Bible, and I am grateful I am no longer hysterical, but I would almost prefer the hysterical to this feeling, or rather lack of feeling. I have had some moments where I actually was doing, not well, but at least passably okay, and I was able to feel. And maybe this is something my brain is doing to be because of this time of year. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and Christmas all back to back to back...

Am I missing something or is this just a part I have to slog through until I get to the other side of it?

 

[disciple Clint]

I am prayerful this will find those widowed that are much further along this walk than I am, but here goes nothing.

I lost my beautiful wife of 15 years in July of this year. I have gone through griefshare, just finished it Monday actually. I know I have a long way to go, but I was hoping maybe there was something I could be doing, actively that would shake off the hollow, empty feeling. I understand what it is, I am numb in some ways. I am neither happy, nor sad, I just am. I pray, I do the grief work stuff from the book, I read my Bible, and I am grateful I am no longer hysterical, but I would almost prefer the hysterical to this feeling, or rather lack of feeling. I have had some moments where I actually was doing, not well, but at least passably okay, and I was able to feel. And maybe this is something my brain is doing to be because of this time of year. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and Christmas all back to back to back...

Am I missing something or is this just a part I have to slog through until I get to the other side of it?

I understand your feelings, there is no substitution for time in healing. Focus on celebrating your wife being with Jesus and the joys she is enjoying. There are going to be emotional landmines, things you walk into that create pain, over time these things become fewer and fewer and it becomes easier to look past your loss and celebrate her gain in her new life, you will be together again. Most importantly stay busy, and have a friend that you can talk with when you hit one of those landmines. May God bless you and help you along in the grief process.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I can share your feelings, I lost my dear husband of 56 years on the 5th October. He came home from hospital as he had requested to die at home. He had cancer and was dying. We had teams of carers who were so good, and painkillers.
It was a blessing to be with him at home for his last few weeks, I am grateful to the Lord. I never left him on his own, and I miss him so much.

 

[By_the_Book]

I am prayerful this will find those widowed that are much further along this walk than I am, but here goes nothing.

I lost my beautiful wife of 15 years in July of this year. I have gone through griefshare, just finished it Monday actually. I know I have a long way to go, but I was hoping maybe there was something I could be doing, actively that would shake off the hollow, empty feeling. I understand what it is, I am numb in some ways. I am neither happy, nor sad, I just am. I pray, I do the grief work stuff from the book, I read my Bible, and I am grateful I am no longer hysterical, but I would almost prefer the hysterical to this feeling, or rather lack of feeling. I have had some moments where I actually was doing, not well, but at least passably okay, and I was able to feel. And maybe this is something my brain is doing to be because of this time of year. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and Christmas all back to back to back...

Am I missing something or is this just a part I have to slog through until I get to the other side of it?

I received your post in my email yesterday, but I’ve been taking some time to pray about it before responding.

I’ve not really been a widow much longer than you have been a widower, I lost my husband of 37 years in April. I had suffered loss prior to losing him, but he was the most substantial loss of my life. I have responded to at least one of your post once before, and I do feel deeply for what you’re going through and obviously I understand it.
my husband and I were best friends. We still sat on the couch, holding hands and watching TV even after 37 years. Still prefer each other’s company to anyone else’s. I do know what it means to lose someone who is so instrumental to your very existence.

i’m going to share a bit about my experience, and how God has worked in my life over the last seven months, but this is my experience take from it, what is useful and discard the rest.

First of all, I have experienced those feelings of neither sadness, nor happiness and I do believe there are times in our life when life is so challenging, and we have been through so much that our mind and our emotions need to rest and that sense of feeling neither happy nor sad is God’s way of allowing our mind and emotions to rest.

I had very little warning that my husband was actually going to die about five days. My husband had a sense he was going to, but I did not believe it because he seemed… anyhow…to him it was important that I not get bogged down in grief and God did not want me to get bogged down in grief, that was made clear to me almost immediately. The grief was intense and strong, but relatively short, because I did try to respond to God, and what God was saying to me was that I must face the reality that that part of my life is over, it’s completely over, no matter how long it lasted, no matter how much it meant to me, no matter how long I will carry the memories with me. The reality of that life is completely over and he wanted me to move on with what he had for the rest of my life and move on quickly. It was very obvious from God that the decision to move on was going to be a choice I would have to make . A choice not to grieve, but to live. Therefore, that’s what I decided to do, to start living again and it has been a choice and on some days not a very easy one, but I absolutely believe it’s been instrumental in shortening my grieve. I also have a couple of very godly wise older people in my life , who say what I am doing is extremely healthy because they see far too many people get caught up in their grief and unable to move on, unable to live again. I make the choice every day to remember my dear love, yet to not grieve him, but instead , live for him and be happy because I know for a fact that is what he wanted for me after he was gone. I have very little doubt that your wife wouldn’t want the same for you, if she loved you, and clearly she probably did, then that is what she would want for you.

I do understand the holiday and the anniversary thing. This was my first Thanksgiving, it will be my first Christmas, our anniversary is in just a week or so, so I do understand how hard that is, but I am choosing to make the best of all of it that I can with God’s help and guidance.

I have made the offer before, but if you would ever like to correspond privately, feel free to send me a private PM.

 

[By_the_Book]

I can share your feelings, I lost my dear husband of 56 years on the 5th October. He came home from hospital as he had requested to die at home. He had cancer and was dying. We had teams of carers who were so good, and painkillers.
It was a blessing to be with him at home for his last few weeks, I am grateful to the Lord. I never left him on his own, and I miss him so much.

My heart goes out to you. I was with my husband 37 years and it was like we were one person. I can’t imagine what it’s like after 56. We were both blessed that we were able to be with our husbands when they died not everyone get that opportunity. it’s both hard and deeply fulfilling to be able to be there for them in that last moment. My husband told me at one point that what he wanted more than anything was to be snuggling with me when he died and he was.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

My heart goes out to you. I was with my husband 37 years and it was like we were one person. I can’t imagine what it’s like after 56. We were both blessed that we were able to be with our husbands when they died not everyone get that opportunity. it’s both hard and deeply fulfilling to be able to be there for them in that last moment. My husband told me at one point that what he wanted more than anything was to be snuggling with me when he died and he was.

37 years is a long time too. For my husband and I it was all our adult life. I thank God for a wonderful marriage. It has been 4 months since he died and I have a wonderful daughter, and a couple of friends. I feel blessed. It is strange to be on my own, but I have lots of help.