- Mar 29, 2017
- 56
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- United States
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- Non-Denom
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- Married
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I've been married 19 years, both of us were non-denom when we met and have been up to about 2012, when he decided to return to his Catholic faith because he found an old-school, traditional, orthodox SSPX church. To say it's different than non-denom is putting it lightly.
Since he didn't really attend church much with me to begin with, him going off on his own path, is not too much of a problem, although we do have some differing beliefs and end up fighting if/when we discuss it. I have no interest whatsoever in "converting" to Catholicism. And to be honest, the more I read, learn and research it, the more "protestant" I become. I've been to his church, to try it out and to see when he got baptized, etc and I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. And I've never felt so judged, than when I've stepped foot in his church, even if it's just the refreshment hall. The looks from the people and the feeling I get when I'm there, make me feel creeped out.
I've been raised as a conservative evangelical Christian my whole life. My parents attended different churches, from 4-squares to Assembly of Gods, to Christian Centers, etc. But we never labeled it...just non-denominational. And that works for me, because I feel it's a personal walk/relationship with God that is more important, than the church one belongs to or attends. I believe in the Word of God and that if the teaching is based on Biblical scripture, than that is what is right.
I get the opposite feeling from my husband now. Every time he talks about his religion, it's all about his church, and what his church accepts and what his church rules are and what the Priests say, etc. He talks more about Mary and how important she is, than he ever does about Jesus. He's always been self-righteous and arrogant, but now he is even more so. And I feel often, he uses the Bible as a way to exert his authority and be more self-righteous over me, almost to the point of male chauvenism. We have discussed to some degree, and he claims to believe in the same things I do, the trinity, personal savior Jesus, path to Heaven, etc. But there are a lot of little details in all that, that we totally disagree on and having any type of serious theological or honest discussion on religion or even just expressing our personal beliefs and why, and it becomes this heated argument, where he's just defensive and doesn't want to hear anything, because it isn't in full alignment with his belief. He believes he is 100% correct. He believes I am heretic and often tells me so. He tells me I am the one dividing the family, because I won't convert and come to his faith. Yet, he is the one who chose the path he did AFTER we were married, and AFTER he knew all along, where I stood with my faith and that I was NOT going to change my beliefs.
A year ago Christmas, he told me he was taking our 3 kids (9, 13 and 15) to his church and only his church. Up until this point, we had been trading Sundays, with them going with me one Sunday, and then going with him the next, and so on. I feel that was a good practice, so they could understand both of our faiths and beliefs and how we practiced our faith, etc. I thought it was good for the kids to be able to participate in both of our ways, so they could learn and choose at a later date, when they were older, which path they wanted to take, without us influencing their decision or pushing them one way or the other. My husband however, taking the Patriarch role and using the Bible against me, explained that as the role God gave him as the leader of the house, it was his job to educate the children according to his faith. And while I agree, that is his role, I also believe God intended marriage to be a partnership, and that in issues like this, we should be working together and finding a compromising solution, since we are on different paths ourselves, to give our children an equal understand from both of our perspectives. But he demanded they go with him solely to his church anyway, for one year to learn about Catholicism and go through Catechism classes, even though I objected based on the reasons I listed above. Then he said they would be free to decide what they wanted and where they wanted to continue to attend. I felt and still feel, that this forced the issue on my kids, especially my younger ones who I feel are not in a position mentally/emotionally to make a decision on the church they want to attend.
Now, the differences in our churches are not small, as I'm sure most Catholics and Protestants would understand. There are beliefs and practices that his church follows, that I just don't believe in, because they are not biblically sound. And some, I feel, are even unbiblical. I can't ever discuss this with my husband because to him, I'm attacking him personally because his church is the one true and only church and unless you belong to the SSPX brand, you are a heretic and basically your beliefs should be shunned. He hasn't outrightly stated this, but his behavior, demeanor and many things he has said, fully imply this. And he has already made the directive that should any of our kids choose to go with his church, they won't be allowed to ever visit mine again, unless they renounce his church.
Our oldest decided back almost when he first was made to go, that he wanted no part of dads church. So he went for a year because dad made him, but then in December, my husband let him decide and so now he goes to church with me on Sundays. Our two youngest, my husband has kept on, because they were still going through the classes. Even though his "agreement" at the start was only for one year. December came and went and now we're looking at May for them to finish their classes. But my middle child has said he thinks he's going to go with dads church. And as long as it's his decision, I'm fine with that. But I worry, because my husbands whole attempt here, to me, has seemed to be a selfish one, because he pushed all of us to go along with what he wanted. My experience with him, our entire life together, has been that he manipulates situations to get his way, over and over again. So, I have a hard time trusting or believing that he's truly just doing this for God, to raise his children right and that there is no selfish intent.
Especially when my church teaches about God too. My church believes in and teaches the same Gospel and Bible and scriptures as his does. We believe more and practice more on New Testament beliefs, which I find to be one of the things we disagree on...but I do not understand why the path we were on before, was such a bad one and why my husband felt so hard core about needing our kids to be at his church and his church only. It's like his church is solely inclusive and you have to belong to their brand or you aren't good and God won't save you. That's how he acts. My youngest has actually told me she feels sorry for me, because she's worried I won't be saved. Now, where would she get that idea? Basically, I feel my kids are learning that I'm a bad person because I'm not in dads church brand. And I feel my kids are being manipulated to go along with what dad wants, in order to not upset him, so they are just agreeing to stay in his church now for his behalf, not because it's truly what they themselves want. And did I tell you I loathe that my kids are put in this position and fully disagree with it? I express my feelings to my husband and he says, he's not forcing anything (and gets all offended and says I'm scandalizing him). He say's he's not dividing anything, I am, because I am not converting.
My youngest just told us she too wants to be baptized in dads church. And I have no problem with that. The problem I have, is that he won't allow her to ever visit my church now. I feel she's too young to be put in that position to have to "choose". My husband disagrees, because she's of the age of reason. He won't even try and compromise or work with me as a partner, to find some middle ground. It's all or nothing. And it makes me sick to my stomach how unreasonable I feel he is.
And now I feel like my kids have been taken away, to a degree, and I've lost the ability to teach them my faith, my beliefs. I do what I can when I'm with them, and I listen to a daily devotional and a bible study every morning as I drop them off to school...but they don't really participate enough to get it. And I don't think my daughter gets it, or truly understands the choice she's making. I think she wants to make daddy happy more than really understanding the church. I just want them to have the understanding of things they aren't getting at dads church. Instead of focusing so much on the church this, and the church that, and Mary, and the Saints and the Rosary, and many things, as I said that are not biblically based from what I've seen. I want her to understand the sacrifice Jesus made dying on the Cross, the New Testament teachings, and how old laws have been done away because of that, etc. But that's not what his church teaches. And I just feel my kids need a more rounded teaching, than just ONE of our churches.
Sorry for such a long post and thank you for letting me vent.
I guess my issue is, do I just shut up and take it? Am I wrong that a marriage is supposed to be a partnership? Am I wrong that both parents should have a say about religion/faith? Or is my husband in the right and I'm just supposed to deal with that? This point of conflict is very troubling to me. I feel the kind of man my husband has become since going back to being a traditional Catholic, and the beliefs they hold, that he now holds, have made him more unreasonable and a less tolerant, less patient, and less considerate man and have further divided us as a couple, as a team. Which, to be honest, we weren't much of a partnership to begin with. Sometimes I just don't think it's going to work, because he wants it all his way, demanding his way is right no matter what, and I feel like why bother? My opinions, feelings, desires, needs, etc don't matter unless they fully align with him. And they aren't going to. I'm not a stepford wife. And this is not what I signed up for. I'm not doing anything sinful or against biblical teaching, at least I'm trying not to...but I feel sometimes like we have different ideas about life, about marriage, about parenting, and just how we go about things. Different expectations, and different ways of doing things, but only his matter. And the fact that I tell him I don't feel like we have a partnership, and he just shrugs and tells me, oh well...he's doing what he feels God is telling him, and I'm just supposed to suck it up, makes me feel like something is wrong.
Since he didn't really attend church much with me to begin with, him going off on his own path, is not too much of a problem, although we do have some differing beliefs and end up fighting if/when we discuss it. I have no interest whatsoever in "converting" to Catholicism. And to be honest, the more I read, learn and research it, the more "protestant" I become. I've been to his church, to try it out and to see when he got baptized, etc and I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. And I've never felt so judged, than when I've stepped foot in his church, even if it's just the refreshment hall. The looks from the people and the feeling I get when I'm there, make me feel creeped out.
I've been raised as a conservative evangelical Christian my whole life. My parents attended different churches, from 4-squares to Assembly of Gods, to Christian Centers, etc. But we never labeled it...just non-denominational. And that works for me, because I feel it's a personal walk/relationship with God that is more important, than the church one belongs to or attends. I believe in the Word of God and that if the teaching is based on Biblical scripture, than that is what is right.
I get the opposite feeling from my husband now. Every time he talks about his religion, it's all about his church, and what his church accepts and what his church rules are and what the Priests say, etc. He talks more about Mary and how important she is, than he ever does about Jesus. He's always been self-righteous and arrogant, but now he is even more so. And I feel often, he uses the Bible as a way to exert his authority and be more self-righteous over me, almost to the point of male chauvenism. We have discussed to some degree, and he claims to believe in the same things I do, the trinity, personal savior Jesus, path to Heaven, etc. But there are a lot of little details in all that, that we totally disagree on and having any type of serious theological or honest discussion on religion or even just expressing our personal beliefs and why, and it becomes this heated argument, where he's just defensive and doesn't want to hear anything, because it isn't in full alignment with his belief. He believes he is 100% correct. He believes I am heretic and often tells me so. He tells me I am the one dividing the family, because I won't convert and come to his faith. Yet, he is the one who chose the path he did AFTER we were married, and AFTER he knew all along, where I stood with my faith and that I was NOT going to change my beliefs.
A year ago Christmas, he told me he was taking our 3 kids (9, 13 and 15) to his church and only his church. Up until this point, we had been trading Sundays, with them going with me one Sunday, and then going with him the next, and so on. I feel that was a good practice, so they could understand both of our faiths and beliefs and how we practiced our faith, etc. I thought it was good for the kids to be able to participate in both of our ways, so they could learn and choose at a later date, when they were older, which path they wanted to take, without us influencing their decision or pushing them one way or the other. My husband however, taking the Patriarch role and using the Bible against me, explained that as the role God gave him as the leader of the house, it was his job to educate the children according to his faith. And while I agree, that is his role, I also believe God intended marriage to be a partnership, and that in issues like this, we should be working together and finding a compromising solution, since we are on different paths ourselves, to give our children an equal understand from both of our perspectives. But he demanded they go with him solely to his church anyway, for one year to learn about Catholicism and go through Catechism classes, even though I objected based on the reasons I listed above. Then he said they would be free to decide what they wanted and where they wanted to continue to attend. I felt and still feel, that this forced the issue on my kids, especially my younger ones who I feel are not in a position mentally/emotionally to make a decision on the church they want to attend.
Now, the differences in our churches are not small, as I'm sure most Catholics and Protestants would understand. There are beliefs and practices that his church follows, that I just don't believe in, because they are not biblically sound. And some, I feel, are even unbiblical. I can't ever discuss this with my husband because to him, I'm attacking him personally because his church is the one true and only church and unless you belong to the SSPX brand, you are a heretic and basically your beliefs should be shunned. He hasn't outrightly stated this, but his behavior, demeanor and many things he has said, fully imply this. And he has already made the directive that should any of our kids choose to go with his church, they won't be allowed to ever visit mine again, unless they renounce his church.
Our oldest decided back almost when he first was made to go, that he wanted no part of dads church. So he went for a year because dad made him, but then in December, my husband let him decide and so now he goes to church with me on Sundays. Our two youngest, my husband has kept on, because they were still going through the classes. Even though his "agreement" at the start was only for one year. December came and went and now we're looking at May for them to finish their classes. But my middle child has said he thinks he's going to go with dads church. And as long as it's his decision, I'm fine with that. But I worry, because my husbands whole attempt here, to me, has seemed to be a selfish one, because he pushed all of us to go along with what he wanted. My experience with him, our entire life together, has been that he manipulates situations to get his way, over and over again. So, I have a hard time trusting or believing that he's truly just doing this for God, to raise his children right and that there is no selfish intent.
Especially when my church teaches about God too. My church believes in and teaches the same Gospel and Bible and scriptures as his does. We believe more and practice more on New Testament beliefs, which I find to be one of the things we disagree on...but I do not understand why the path we were on before, was such a bad one and why my husband felt so hard core about needing our kids to be at his church and his church only. It's like his church is solely inclusive and you have to belong to their brand or you aren't good and God won't save you. That's how he acts. My youngest has actually told me she feels sorry for me, because she's worried I won't be saved. Now, where would she get that idea? Basically, I feel my kids are learning that I'm a bad person because I'm not in dads church brand. And I feel my kids are being manipulated to go along with what dad wants, in order to not upset him, so they are just agreeing to stay in his church now for his behalf, not because it's truly what they themselves want. And did I tell you I loathe that my kids are put in this position and fully disagree with it? I express my feelings to my husband and he says, he's not forcing anything (and gets all offended and says I'm scandalizing him). He say's he's not dividing anything, I am, because I am not converting.
My youngest just told us she too wants to be baptized in dads church. And I have no problem with that. The problem I have, is that he won't allow her to ever visit my church now. I feel she's too young to be put in that position to have to "choose". My husband disagrees, because she's of the age of reason. He won't even try and compromise or work with me as a partner, to find some middle ground. It's all or nothing. And it makes me sick to my stomach how unreasonable I feel he is.
And now I feel like my kids have been taken away, to a degree, and I've lost the ability to teach them my faith, my beliefs. I do what I can when I'm with them, and I listen to a daily devotional and a bible study every morning as I drop them off to school...but they don't really participate enough to get it. And I don't think my daughter gets it, or truly understands the choice she's making. I think she wants to make daddy happy more than really understanding the church. I just want them to have the understanding of things they aren't getting at dads church. Instead of focusing so much on the church this, and the church that, and Mary, and the Saints and the Rosary, and many things, as I said that are not biblically based from what I've seen. I want her to understand the sacrifice Jesus made dying on the Cross, the New Testament teachings, and how old laws have been done away because of that, etc. But that's not what his church teaches. And I just feel my kids need a more rounded teaching, than just ONE of our churches.
Sorry for such a long post and thank you for letting me vent.
I guess my issue is, do I just shut up and take it? Am I wrong that a marriage is supposed to be a partnership? Am I wrong that both parents should have a say about religion/faith? Or is my husband in the right and I'm just supposed to deal with that? This point of conflict is very troubling to me. I feel the kind of man my husband has become since going back to being a traditional Catholic, and the beliefs they hold, that he now holds, have made him more unreasonable and a less tolerant, less patient, and less considerate man and have further divided us as a couple, as a team. Which, to be honest, we weren't much of a partnership to begin with. Sometimes I just don't think it's going to work, because he wants it all his way, demanding his way is right no matter what, and I feel like why bother? My opinions, feelings, desires, needs, etc don't matter unless they fully align with him. And they aren't going to. I'm not a stepford wife. And this is not what I signed up for. I'm not doing anything sinful or against biblical teaching, at least I'm trying not to...but I feel sometimes like we have different ideas about life, about marriage, about parenting, and just how we go about things. Different expectations, and different ways of doing things, but only his matter. And the fact that I tell him I don't feel like we have a partnership, and he just shrugs and tells me, oh well...he's doing what he feels God is telling him, and I'm just supposed to suck it up, makes me feel like something is wrong.
