Question about my marriage. Need REAL marriage advice. (Moved from Christian Advice)

[Grip Docility]

Brother ..I must agree with PollyJetix . Sadly it is my opinion that many Christians have married for selfish reasons ..( She makes ME feel this way ...she is good to ME ..she will be good wife to ME ...) Very seldom is marriage about Jesus Christ as it must be for all things are about HIM and for HIM . I think she loves herself and you may also love yourself . ( When the Lord found me I was in love with myself but considered myself a " people person " a friend to all ..I did not know how lost I was .
If this is your and her first marriage, I think you are married for life although if the unbeliever depart , let them depart for we are called to peace. ( That is not permission to remarry . ) Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her ...and Christ loved us when we did not love Him . It does not say husbands love your wives , provided they do XYZ . Christ loved you when you were lost ...unable to be intimate with Him spiritually and so He divorced you ? No , He forgave you . He waited patiently for you ...always hoping . Love your enemies even if they be those of your own household . What if you ended up a paraplegic ( God forbid ) until Jesus returned ...How would you wish your wife to treat you ? Pray about this brother and treat her as you wish to be treated. If Christ returns tomorrow , we will all be brothers and sisters . NO SEX . Do truth .

I’m just throwing this in... God made Sex and the special parts that make it so awesome.

He rarely takes something away without something better to fill its void...

Just saying.

 

[Grip Docility]

Yeah, it def doesnt feel good.
I think, am I wasting my time?
I love her so much but I dont want to live my whole life without sex
But I also feel its petty to leave just over sex.

But the total thing is, theres no "intimacy" in the relationship aside from kissing and cuddling and stuff.

That alone leaves a perpetual feeling of sickness deep inside... I’ve been there before.

There’s no doubt... sex therapy would be a good investment.

Also... “the little man in the boat” is the big “stimulus” anyway.

To be direct... mutual oral isn’t that difficult to figure out... and I’m not talking about the 2 digit number but the obvious. Oral is even referenced in Song of Solomon... so that remains Christian advice.

That’s why I still think the lack of affection is a major red flag that you have identified with all the other stuff that are all important things that should not be unapproachable...

 

[Grip Docility]

Allow me to be super de duper blunt... your marriage will fail if zero communication and outside help doesn’t occur.

It may take 20 years... but she needs to be willing to seek resolution besides asking you to cut your balls off... with her actions!

 

[Devin P]

Can you provide the verse that states that a woman is required to physically please her husband? Might be helpful here.

1 Corinthians 7:3-6
3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

The body of the woman isn't hers, but her husband's, not the husband's his own, but the woman's. He advises that it's wise to agree to refrain from sex mutually for a time to fast, but that it's not commanded, it'll just help both partners in their walk with God.

This next verse is in exodus, and refers to a woman that was a slave, that was given as a wife to either the buyer, or the buyer's son. In giving the woman as a wife, she becomes as a legitimate family member and no longer is as a slave. But God tells Moses to do accordingly with her, even if they marry another in addition to her -

Exodus 21:10-11
10“If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights. 11“If he will not do these three things for her, then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.

Verse 10 says that even if the husband marries another, he isn't to refuse her of her rights as a wife - food, shelter, and sex. If he fails to give her any of these, she's to go out free of charge if she desires.

God isn't partial to men nor woman, so since its expected that a man gives his wife sex, it's expected that the woman gives the man sex as well. After all, her body isn't her own, it's his, neither is his body his own, but hers.

 

[RaymondG]

1 Corinthians 7:3-6
3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

The body of the woman isn't hers, but her husband's, not the husband's his own, but the woman's. He advises that it's wise to agree to refrain from sex mutually for a time to fast, but that it's not commanded, it'll just help both partners in their walk with God.

This next verse is in exodus, and refers to a woman that was a slave, that was given as a wife to either the buyer, or the buyer's son. In giving the woman as a wife, she becomes as a legitimate family member and no longer is as a slave. But God tells Moses to do accordingly with her, even if they marry another in addition to her -

Exodus 21:10-11
10“If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights. 11“If he will not do these three things for her, then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.

Verse 10 says that even if the husband marries another, he isn't to refuse her of her rights as a wife - food, shelter, and sex. If he fails to give her any of these, she's to go out free of charge if she desires.

God isn't partial to men nor woman, so since its expected that a man gives his wife sex, it's expected that the woman gives the man sex as well. After all, her body isn't her own, it's his, neither is his body his own, but hers.

Thanks. I havent read this version before.....sounds a little different from the KJV that im use to....but i like it.

What do you think the following mean? : "But this I say by way of concession, not of command."

I wont go into Exodus as this may not be the right time to be talking about Go allowing multiple wives......

 

[PloverWing]

I don't know what is going on with this young wife; there are so many possibilities for what the problem could be, and I wish I could sit down and talk with her for half an hour. But I'm going to disagree on this one point:

She “knows her body” most likely and whatever issues are there... I think toys would only mortify her.

People have access to their “equipment” 24/7 and rarely don’t know how to make things “cook”.

Some women figure their bodies out pretty early, but for others of us, it takes a while. You guys have it so easy -- your equipment is mostly located in one place, and you can see it, for heaven's sake. Ours is distributed across our bodies in multiple spots, and you can't even see some of the most important bits without a mirror and some knowledge of what you're looking for. So figuring out how all the parts work together is complicated. The problem is compounded if you come from a subculture that discourages teens from accessing their equipment on their own and/or that discourages teens from reading detailed educational literature about sex.

Again, I don't know if this is relevant to this wife's difficulties, because I don't know her situation. But women growing into adulthood, even into marriage, without a real understanding of their bodies is something that happens; it happens frequently enough that it's worth at least considering as a possibility here.

 

[Devin P]

Thanks. I havent read this version before.....sounds a little different from the KJV that im use to....but i like it.

What do you think the following mean? : "But this I say by way of concession, not of command."

I wont go into Exodus as this may not be the right time to be talking about Go allowing multiple wives......

The concession and not of command part, I think is referring to the fasting part of the verse previously mentioned.

He says to fast and that while fasting that both husband and wife mutually agree to abstain from sex, only for a short time, so that they can focus on God. But he's saying that this isn't a command, that it's just a tactic that both parties agree to in order to receive a desired outcome - the control of their flesh. It's not a command that God gave, it's just how he thinks it should be done, that both man and wife should abstain for a time.

The main point of the exodus verse I was getting at, was that it's a marital necessity, that the sexual rights of one another are met.

Best of luck!

Also, it's selfish to do what she's doing. Definitely don't say that to her, but it is. Men struggle with this, and if we don't gain control over it (our sexual desire) we will not be allowed into heaven. Keeping sex from your spouse can cause them to burn with passion, and if burning with passion, they can fall into temptation (masturbation, or worse, adultery - not that you will cheat) which is sexual immorality, and those who practice sexual immorality can not enter heaven, unless they repent, so she's causing you to desire something that can possibly end in you being unsaved, which is one thing a wife is supposed to prevent.

 

[RaymondG]

The concession and not of command part, I think is referring to the fasting part of the verse previously mentioned.

He says to fast and that while fasting that both husband and wife mutually agree to abstain from sex, only for a short time, so that they can focus on God. But he's saying that this isn't a command, that it's just a tactic that both parties agree to in order to receive a desired outcome - the control of their flesh. It's not a command that God gave, it's just how he thinks it should be done, that both man and wife should abstain for a time.

The main point of the exodus verse I was getting at, was that it's a marital necessity, that the sexual rights of one another are met.

Best of luck!

Also, it's selfish to do what she's doing. Definitely don't say that to her, but it is. Men struggle with this, and if we don't gain control over it (our sexual desire) we will not be allowed into heaven. Keeping sex from your spouse can cause them to burn with passion, and if burning with passion, they can fall into temptation (masturbation, or worse, adultery - not that you will cheat) which is sexual immorality, and those who practice sexual immorality can not enter heaven, unless they repent, so she's causing you to desire something that can possibly end in you being unsaved, which is one thing a wife is supposed to prevent.

I agree, Paul makes a number a statements that he declare as His personal views and ask that we not take it as a command from the Lord....But since He is filled with the spirit....His words shouldnt be taken lightly.

You say that you think he was referring to the verse right above making his disclaimer......But do you admit that it is possible that He was talking about all the 5 verses above, and not just the 1 preceding?

I dont think we can go into Exodus.....doesnt seem beneficial to say one part of the chapter stands today, but the others dont...namely the allowance of multiple wives.....I say if we throw out some, lets throw it all out.

 

[AmusingMargaret]

If a medical reason has been ruled out, and if there was once sex, but now there's none, there is definitely a reason...could it be a lack of romance? a lack of communication? a lack of help around the house? lack of respect? lack of quality time? Any combination (or sometimes just one) of the above can lead to a lack of sex.

I'm not saying it's your fault, but you're the one wanting and she's the one pulling away...and it's not really something you can ask her about without sounding demanding and accusatory.

Maybe surprise her with a nice intimate weekend away. Give her your undivided attention...no phone, no video games, no TV sports, just the two of you. Give her something she likes. Listen to her, let her talk. You may not get sex, but you may find out what's bothering her, which would be a very big first step in fixing the issue.

 

[Devin P]

I agree, Paul makes a number a statements that he declare as His personal views and ask that we not take it as a command from the Lord....But since He is filled with the spirit....His words shouldnt be taken lightly.

You say that you think he was referring to the verse right above making his disclaimer......But do you admit that it is possible that He was talking about all the 5 verses above, and not just the 1 preceding?

I dont think we can go into Exodus.....doesnt seem beneficial to say one part of the chapter stands today, but the others dont...namely the allowance of multiple wives.....I say if we throw out some, lets throw it all out.

I would say it was talking about all the verses above, only if the bible didn't reflect that anywhere else, but it does. Jacobs wives bid on who he slept with and when, because his body was theirs, not his own.
That, and Paul further explained this in those 5 verses.

That's a really dangerous thing to do though. The whole bible rotates on the first 5 books, and in it we see His Character. Literally everything after it is based on the foundation lain in the first five books. Jesus quoted from Deuteronomy more than any other thing.

As Paul said - "16All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: 17That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works."

2 Timothy 3:16-17

But when Paul wrote this to Timothy, there was no new testament. It was still being written. They only had the old testament, but note that Paul says "all scripture", not "all scripture except for Torah" (Torah is the first 5 books from Genesis to Deuteronomy). Paul himself directly quotes from all of the OT (old testament), including the Torah. In fact, without understanding Torah, we can't truly understand the bible, because as I said, it hinges on Torah (the first five books).

 

[Devin P]

I agree, Paul makes a number a statements that he declare as His personal views and ask that we not take it as a command from the Lord....But since He is filled with the spirit....His words shouldnt be taken lightly.

You say that you think he was referring to the verse right above making his disclaimer......But do you admit that it is possible that He was talking about all the 5 verses above, and not just the 1 preceding?

I dont think we can go into Exodus.....doesnt seem beneficial to say one part of the chapter stands today, but the others dont...namely the allowance of multiple wives.....I say if we throw out some, lets throw it all out.

But yeah, I linked it because it is a concept reflected everywhere throughout scripture. Whether when Sarah had Abraham have sex with her handmade, when Jacob was bid over by his wives and their maids, etc, it was why I shared Paul's verses as well, because he elaborated and pointed out what I'm talking about.

It is reflected in the love we have for God. I can't do whatever I want because my body isn't my own, it's Jesus's, and I'm to do whay He would. The same as you not cheating on your wife, because you are hers as she is yours. Cheating would bring her pain and shame, and that is to be something you avoid bringing her. I could go on, but you know what I mean lol.

 

[PollyJetix]

I think you MAY be jumping the gun by saying she doesnt love me.
I really feel she does and there is times where things are really good but id be lying if I said I didnt feel like I cared for her more.
Its just a hard situation.
We do have good times and some days are really good but I feel like we both argue a lot and get under each others skin.
Im at fault for some things, I can be lazy and not clean up and stuff but that shouldnt affect her love for me or other things.
She says sometimes my laziness is a turn off, which I can admit I forget to do dishes and things a lot but I feel that shouldnt be contingent on our love for one another.

I don't think you understood what I was saying.
I was not saying she doesn't FEEL love for you. I am sure she does feel emotional attachment and affection for you. Probably very deeply.

But feeling affection for someone doesn't mean you actually love them,
Because true love is a choice to act lovingly.

There's a big difference.
That's why I asked you if you actually love her... I'm talking about 1 Corinthians 13 love.
Not "I feel emotions" love.

 

[Grip Docility]

I don't think you understood what I was saying.
I was not saying she doesn't FEEL love for you. I am sure she does feel emotional attachment and affection for you. Probably very deeply.

But feeling affection for someone doesn't mean you actually love them,
Because true love is a choice to act lovingly.

There's a big difference.
That's why I asked you if you actually love her... I'm talking about 1 Corinthians 13 love.
Not "I feel emotions" love.

Indeed...

Religion is about rules... and Jesus eradicated that option that no one but Him could meet anyhow...

But... Love takes effort and 1 Corinthians 13 Response to all that are in our sphere of influence and interaction...

I agree with your assessment...

Sex isn’t at the root of all this, but instead... Love that lays itself down.

Mutual sacrifice has to occur for respect and relationship to grow.

One can’t do the dance alone... but both must move forward out of the desire of a servants heart...

2 givers are okay... but a giver and a taker will always deplete the human giver...

God alone is supreme GIVER that can Sustain limitless takers without failure...

Two takers may have a chance... but that is a powder keg waiting to blow!

 

[PollyJetix]

What do you think the following mean? : "But this I say by way of concession, not of command."

The context explains it.
I'll use the KJV... I think it's a bit clearer in this instance:

1Cor 7:6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
1Cor 7:7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
1Cor 7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
1Cor 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

In other words, Paul, being unmarried (and obviously not having a very strong sex drive) thought it was better to remain unmarried, if possible, in order to put all the attention on God.
That's why he spoke verses 2-5 as a concession to those who felt they had to get married, to stay pure.

He outright says this later on in the chapter:

1Cor 7:32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
1Cor 7:33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
1Cor 7:34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
1Cor 7:35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

The English Standard Version says those verses this way:
1Cor 7:32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.
1Cor 7:33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife,
1Cor 7:34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
1Cor 7:35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

 

[PollyJetix]

Religion is about rules... and Jesus eradicated that option that no one but Him could meet anyhow...

Here's the New Testament viewpoint on religion:
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Modern American Christianity is all about feeling good. God making me happy.
It says "we can never be good anyhow, not even after God makes us new Creatures!"
Sorry. that's not Scriptural.

Modern America hates the word "religion."
They think religion is all man-generated and in vain.

But God says he sees different kinds of religion. There are those kinds of religion that are impure and defiled in His sight... but there is a kind that is acceptable to Him, because it's pure and undefiled.

Do a bit of googling... see how early America saw the term, "religion".
It was in no way a negative term to the church.
Not until lately, when we stopped visiting the fatherless and widows, and started letting the world into the church. About the same time, we redefined the term "religion" and gave it a bad meaning.

 

[RaymondG]

I would say it was talking about all the verses above, only if the bible didn't reflect that anywhere else, but it does. Jacobs wives bid on who he slept with and when, because his body was theirs, not his own.
That, and Paul further explained this in those 5 verses.

That's a really dangerous thing to do though. The whole bible rotates on the first 5 books, and in it we see His Character. Literally everything after it is based on the foundation lain in the first five books. Jesus quoted from Deuteronomy more than any other thing.

As Paul said - "16All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: 17That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works."

2 Timothy 3:16-17

But when Paul wrote this to Timothy, there was no new testament. It was still being written. They only had the old testament, but note that Paul says "all scripture", not "all scripture except for Torah" (Torah is the first 5 books from Genesis to Deuteronomy). Paul himself directly quotes from all of the OT (old testament), including the Torah. In fact, without understanding Torah, we can't truly understand the bible, because as I said, it hinges on Torah (the first five books).

I eat the whole book. Most religious don't...wasn't sure if you did or not. So you are not one who believes part or all of the ot was done away with?

 

[RaymondG]

But yeah, I linked it because it is a concept reflected everywhere throughout scripture. Whether when Sarah had Abraham have sex with her handmade, when Jacob was bid over by his wives and their maids, etc, it was why I shared Paul's verses as well, because he elaborated and pointed out what I'm talking about.

It is reflected in the love we have for God. I can't do whatever I want because my body isn't my own, it's Jesus's, and I'm to do whay He would. The same as you not cheating on your wife, because you are hers as she is yours. Cheating would bring her pain and shame, and that is to be something you avoid bringing her. I could go on, but you know what I mean lol.

My body and my wife's belong to God. She is not my sex slave nor I hers. She can choose to not get busy as long as she wants and I would have to accept it....And I would not try to bring God or salvation into the picture just to get sex. These are natural things not spiritual.

Cheating hurts someone so that is a different story. We are to love our neighbors.....And do to others what we want done to ourselves.

 

[Sketcher]

Also, I asked her are we ever going to have sex and she says, Yes when I feel like it. I said, you never feel like it, and its not fair to just be on your time,. and blah blah and we just get into an argument.

I don't presume to know much about marriage, but "you never" is one of a few phrases that should never be used.

Actually I didnt know this when marrying.

Out of curiosity, why not?

Shes like, I feel numb in there.
Shes like its not you, if anything you are too big LOL.
She just says she doesnt feel sensitive in there in a good way.

She may have a medical issue. You two may need to see a sex therapist to get it going. I don't know if there's anything that I can suggest specifically that would be within the rules of the forum. But there are a number of sexual things that women can do to men and that men can do to women which technically fall short of coitus but should only happen between married people. Maybe finding one or more compromises in that realm and slowly escalating from there?

 

[discipler7]

I dont want to get too personal but my wife NEVER wants to have sex.
Ever!

.
1CORINTHIANS.7: = 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

= the wife should let her husband find sexual satisfaction(= [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse])/love with her body and the husband should likewise let his wife find sexual satisfaction(= [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse])/love with his body.
....... Some selfish husbands have 5 minutes sex just to achieve his own [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] while the wife goes without = not loving his wife = mistreating his wife like a sex slave or servant.

 

[Grip Docility]

Here's the New Testament viewpoint on religion:
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Modern American Christianity is all about feeling good. God making me happy.
It says "we can never be good anyhow, not even after God makes us new Creatures!"
Sorry. that's not Scriptural.

Modern America hates the word "religion."
They think religion is all man-generated and in vain.

But God says he sees different kinds of religion. There are those kinds of religion that are impure and defiled in His sight... but there is a kind that is acceptable to Him, because it's pure and undefiled.

Do a bit of googling... see how early America saw the term, "religion".
It was in no way a negative term to the church.
Not until lately, when we stopped visiting the fatherless and widows, and started letting the world into the church. About the same time, we redefined the term "religion" and gave it a bad meaning.

To be direct... God gives us a new heart to Love ourselves and others with.

A heart of flesh in place of stone.

If people said “Love” today and focused on “Love your neighbor as yourself”.., in context of 1 John 2:2 ... I think we would all be better off.

As for “Good”... I’m pretty devout to ... “Good Teacher”.., “Why do you call me Good?”... “Only God is Good”... (I see Him winking to me every time I read that).,, (After all... He declared Himself the “Good” Shepherd)....

The Beetles said it pretty well... “All ya need is... <3”