Question about husband as spiritual leader

[PloverWing]

I am in an egalitarian marriage, but I have a question for those of you who practice complementarian marriage. I don't want to debate which view is better (I assume we all have our minds made up anyway); I'm just trying to get out of my "bubble" and understand people better. I'm aiming for a polite interdenominational/interfaith discussion. With that said:

I have from time to time heard the idea that the husband should be the spiritual leader in a marriage. For those of you who practice this, what does it entail, in your day-to-day life? Is it that the husband leads prayers and daily devotions for the family? Does he give daily or weekly religious instruction, like a teacher in a school might do? In her personal spiritual life, is it all right for the wife to choose her own daily Bible readings and religious books to read, or does the husband direct those? In theological matters where Christians often disagree (say, infant baptism, or what kind of church government is best, that kind of thing), if the husband and wife hold different views, is the wife expected to conform her opinions to match her husband's, or may they disagree?

Again, I don't want a debate. Maybe my questions are completely wrong ones, and spiritual leadership is something altogether different. As I said, it's a spiritual path that's foreign to me. I just want to explore what this form of spirituality is like for those of you who practice it.

 

[archer75]

Interesting questions. Regarding making one's opinions "conform", that sounds pretty dangerous and impossible. How can one change one's opinion by force? Wouldn't that just be lying?

My experience is that my wife is relatively sluggish in these matters. Or maybe just intuitive and doesn't need all my contortions.

 

[PloverWing]

Interesting questions. Regarding making one's opinions "conform", that sounds pretty dangerous and impossible. How can one change one's opinion by force? Wouldn't that just be lying?

My experience is that my wife is relatively sluggish in these matters. Or maybe just intuitive and doesn't need all my contortions.

I can imagine a situation in which person A's expertise so surpasses person B's expertise that B would trust A's judgment even more than their own judgment. For example, if Neil deGrasse Tyson and I both solved a physics problem, and we got different answers, I might think it likely that he's right and I'm wrong, even if I didn't see my mistake, because he's an expert astrophysicist and I'm not. In a case like that, it wouldn't be lying.

I don't know if that's what happens in complementarian marriages; I'm just imagining one possibility.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "sluggish in these matters"?

 

[archer75]

I can imagine a situation in which person A's expertise so surpasses person B's expertise that B would trust A's judgment even more than their own judgment. For example, if Neil deGrasse Tyson and I both solved a physics problem, and we got different answers, I might think it likely that he's right and I'm wrong, even if I didn't see my mistake, because he's an expert astrophysicist and I'm not. In a case like that, it wouldn't be lying.

I don't know if that's what happens in complementarian marriages; I'm just imagining one possibility.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "sluggish in these matters"?

Okay, I see what you mean. I guess in cases where I'm so hoplessly outclassed, I wouldn't consider that to be changing my opinion, just admitting that I'm wrong, but can't even hold the new opinion because it's beyond me. But okay, I get it, I think.

By sluggish I guess I mean how I am in matters of fashion or, say, atonal music -- it's not even clear to me what the questions are, and I'm not inclined to pursue them.

 

[lambkisses]

This initially was a struggle in my marriage too. My husband is definitely not a spiritual leader as he has no interest in church or leading by example. However in our marriage I am a submissive so reconciling matters of conscience can be difficult some time. In the past I was often exasperated by my husband's disregard for social normative and still I am sometimes troubled by his propensity to lead in the wrong direction, but I have come to accept he is not a wicked person (flawed yes like all of us) so I have faith that all of what he does or doesn't do is part of God's plan.

 

[evoeth]

I am in an egalitarian marriage, so pardon the reply. I would never take a submissive spouse. You cannot trust that the actions of a person who is of lessor ability or of subservient demeanor as being genuine because they come from a position of being fundamentally compromised.

Eg: What is the meaning of consent or free will in a relationship where all the power resides with one partner?

Spouse: "honey, I love you..." or some such sentiment
My internal dialog: Are you saying that because you love me or because you're completely financially dependent on me?

In my marriage, there is is no question because my wife has the capability of walking away. I know she loves me and wants good for me precisely because she CAN get up and leave at any moment without any disastrous consequences. And yet she freely chooses to stay with me. And that's the proof of our relationship.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

In my marriage, there is is no question because my wife has the capability of walking away. I know she loves me and wants good for me precisely because she CAN get up and leave at any moment without any disastrous consequences. And yet she freely chooses to stay with me. And that's the proof of our relationship.

And in my opinion, that is exactly what makes your marriage strong. Either one of you could up and leave and not suffer any disastrous consequences...so each of you make the CHOICE to stay. Same with me and my husband. Either one of us could up and leave at any moment...yet over the years, even during the very hardest times, we have chosen to stay together. Not because either of us had to, but because we WANT to stay together.

 

[PloverWing]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

I had hoped, in the course of the discussion, to hear from some people who successfully practice the idea of the husband as spiritual leader of the marriage -- that is, the husband is a Christian who deliberately undertakes to lead the religious life of the wife and children -- so as to hear about how this works day-to-day. Is there anyone like this in this Forum who'd be willing to share their experiences?

 

[Dave-W]

In my marriage, there is is no question because my wife has the capability of walking away. I know she loves me and wants good for me precisely because she CAN get up and leave at any moment without any disastrous consequences.

Yeah. We started out as me being sole breadwinner, but these last 20 years I have helped her thru school and get a good paying job on her own. It is much better that way.

 

[YodaMama]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

I had hoped, in the course of the discussion, to hear from some people who successfully practice the idea of the husband as spiritual leader of the marriage -- that is, the husband is a Christian who deliberately undertakes to lead the religious life of the wife and children -- so as to hear about how this works day-to-day. Is there anyone like this in this Forum who'd be willing to share their experiences?

Biblically the husband is to be the spiritual leader of his family. But if he is not the wife can and should take up the mantel, at least until he desires to. If the husband does not desire to teach his children, then by all means the mother should. Again, do what is right before the Lord regardless.

 

[YodaMama]

Daily practices can be small Bible studies (age appropriate), or sharing what you are learning in your Bible study times. Also asking others how you can pray for their day (school, tests, work, health, etc.) and also share how they can pray for you. Spend a portion of time at family meals to share how they are doing. There are so many good materials to use, even discuss movies and apply to life.

If your children are older and/or your wife is not used to you being the spiritual leader and doing such things, just give it time and keep trying...with joy and love and excitement.

 

[YodaMama]

And in my opinion, that is exactly what makes your marriage strong. Either one of you could up and leave and not suffer any disastrous consequences...so each of you make the CHOICE to stay. Same with me and my husband. Either one of us could up and leave at any moment...yet over the years, even during the very hardest times, we have chosen to stay together. Not because either of us had to, but because we WANT to stay together.

When a couple make the Lord their focal point together it causes you to grow closer over time. For example, a triangle! God is at the top, and the husband and wife at each bottom corner. Over time, "if" they are growing together in their love for God then they will grow closer and closer over time.

But of course there may be times when a couple grows apart, but "if" they both keep God central and spend time praying and growing spiritually together will they become closer and closer together...and ultimately more like Christ. Keep your focus on Him!

 

[YodaMama]

By the way, the "option" of leaving if pointless in a Christian marriage as you both made a VOW before God. Only for adultery or abuse or abandonment does one have an option.

 

[LinkH]

In my household, I don't micromanage what scriptures my wife reads. She reads the Bible, whatever she wants. Sometimes, I'll just read to her. We should probably engage in more Bible study one-on-one. I usually lead our family devotions at night, which often consists of reading a Bible passage with a bit of explanation and discussion. Sometimes my wife will do devotions. She had to a lot when I was out late studying in grad school. She plays the guitar and sings with them. I don't play the guitar.

The Bible does teach wives if they have any questions to ask their husbands at home. Wives learning from their husbands is there in the Bible. The husband is the head of the wife. The Bible doe snot use phrases like 'spiritual leader' and 'priest' in the home' about husbands.

It is not realistic to think that a wife is going to always change her opinions to match her husband because they are in a complementarian marriage. Most of us probably agree that children should obey their parents, but that doesn't mean their opinions will easily change. She has a degree in theology. We were just talking last night about how she didn't make sense of certain beliefs I held to and tried to convince her of that she held to early in the marriage, but changed over time. It's not human nature to suddenly change opinions, at least for some people. My wife can be slow about changing her theological opinions, even if she is wrong. But I think we can all be like that. I find mine changing a bit over time as well. Being teachable is a good thing, and it is good for all of us to be 'easy to be entreated' when it comes to religious opinions and other matters, but also firm in our faith.