Question about forgiveness

[SharonL]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

 

[Sophrosyne]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you instantly get over it nor does it mean you suddenly change your attitude about them either. Typically when someone hurts us really bad we can on one level forgive them in the spirit but our flesh is still suffering from what they did.
I've found when I do forgive someone (to God) it is a start of the healing process from what damage they have done to me. I find those who we cannot get away from continue by their lack of change in sinful attitude towards us have us and them in a continual situation of sin and at times the only real way to get over them is to remove them from your life entirely such that you are no longer reminded by their presence of what they did to you. In other words we are commanded to forgive but forgetting isn't commanded at all. It is the remembering that haunts us.

 

[Messy]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

I had that. My ex's sister helped him in court and told them I was nuts, so he could have the kids. It took me some time, but I forgave her, but she never asked me to forgive her or said that she did something wrong. But no problem, it was all well and then she started to talk to me again that I should see a psychiater and that was in church and I was just flabbergasted, I said: Lord, tell me this isn't true and He said: They told Me I was out of My mind, His mother did. Well I forgave her again, but that was the last time I went to that church, I didn't have to let me treat like that and a few months later I saw her and she was very nice and I thought: She was just trying to help, she doesn't know that God has healed me. Why am I still so angry with her? And now the hard feelings are gone too. Yes I think this was unforgiveness, 'cause I didn't go to church anymore and my son said: Why don't you go to church anymore? I said: I'll go to that other church. 'Daddy says it's from the devil if you never go to church.' And God said: You don't have the right to be offended. Oh well, it's all good now. It's fun when you don't have hard feelings anymore. It means you're healed. My boss did so much, really terrible and it goes on and on and all I feel for him is compassion.

 

[JimB]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Probably. You don’t have to have fuzzy feelings toward those who injure you, but the desire to “tear into them and tell them off” might indicate that you need to work on your forgiveness. Christ forgives us and bears no ill toward us for the sins we have committed against him and we are told to forgive as we have been forgiven.

 

[mourningdove~]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Forgiveness is an act of the will.

And feelings are what they are.

If I find that my feelings aren't 'right' towards someone after I have chosen to forgive them, I take the matter to God ... confessing my hard feelings and asking God to make my heart right towards the other person. And God knows what would be 'right'.

That's really all I know to do with those feelings that just don't seem to want to go away ...
and this way (confessing, and giving the matter to God) does seem to work well for me.

 

[murjahel]

Forgiveness is not a synonym for 'love'...

We are to love our enemies... and 'forgive those who repent'...

Luke 17:3-4 (KJV)
3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

We love them, with a spiritual love. We do not respect their behavior, we do not condone their continued sins... they may consider themselves still our enemy, but we 'love'...

yet, we do not 'condone' their evil ways, and can still be loving of their soul, and want them to get saved, or get right with God, or quit offending and grieving the Holy Spirit.

What we call 'forgiveness' is often misconstrued with other feelings. We often get the idea we have to be 'buddy buddy' with someone still seeking to hurt us, or being care-less that they do hurt us... We do not need to condone evil in a person. We can have hurts and feelings of being angry at their sins... and still pray for them to get saved because we have 'agape love' for them.

Phileo love is 'respect, and admiration for the person. Agape love is love for their soul, wanting them to go through the 'born again, new creation' change... so we can then phileo love them...

The ones still offending you cannot be 'phileo loved'... but they can be agape loved... and that is all God asks of us. We are then ready to 'forgive' them, when they 'repent'...

Repent is a 'change of mind'... not a few words like 'I am sorry you think I did something wrong...' No, it is a change of heart, a result of the born again experience one is experiencing... wherein their whole mindset of evil toward others is changed... When that happens, it is easy to then phileo love them... until then, we can only agape love them.

Forgiveness is reserved for that 'repentance' event... hopefully to come due to our agape love having us 'pray for them who are still despitefully abusing us'...

 

[Tenebrae]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

I believe that to forgive doesnt necessarily mean to forget. I forgave the man who sexually abused me. There is no way in heaven or earth I would've allowed him to have any solitary contact with children

 

[Hishandmaiden]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Forgiveness is an effort and not a mere feeling. If you make an effort to try to forget the hurts others have caused you, you are forgiving.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Have you tied praying for them. We are to pray for those who persecute us. I think this act of praying for the person helps our hearts heal also.

I know it's hard, but it's God's way.

I heard the phrase once 'total forgiveness'. It is about what you are talking about when you still have residual anger or disappointment in someone. It may be unforgiveness, but if you have forgiven them and are really trying but it will take time to reach total forgiveness, then I think that it is different.

 

[tturt]

Agree with ToBeBlessed. I've had to repeatedly ask for help to forgive - I repeated and repeated and repeated. There won't be any "I would love to tear into them and tell them off," when Yahweh's work is finished.

(said in love).

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

forgiveness is just not holding the past against them .

but if they seem to keep doing the same things like it's the same day .. over and over again .. then trust is a different issue .

to say you need to trust someone but make this part of "forgiveness" is manipulative . it's okay to trust people to be who they are and set up healthy boundaries . this is consistent with loving yourself stretching out to love others .

 

[SharonL]

Thank you all for your caring and help. I have fought this battle for many years. 2 of the people I have issue with are my step children which I raised from ages 4 & 6 and they don't do anything and that is the problem. Their mother deserted them and we had a good home, they were treated the same as our other 2 children, yet they say they feel rejected. I have given up on any recognition for me, but still have concerns when they ignore their dad, We are the ones rejected. We have never had words or hate between us, just no relationship whatsoever.

I guess I feel a little sorry for myself - I gave up so much to raise them, but knew that when I went into the marriage. You would think after 55 years there would be some sort of relationship, but there isn't. My husband handles his rejection much better than I do - he says they have to live their life. I can handle it if it is not unforgiveness - I sure don't want that.

Thanks again all of you.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Thank you all for your caring and help. I have fought this battle for many years. 2 of the people I have issue with are my step children which I raised from ages 4 & 6 and they don't do anything and that is the problem. Their mother deserted them and we had a good home, they were treated the same as our other 2 children, yet they say they feel rejected. I have given up on any recognition for me, but still have concerns when they ignore their dad, We are the ones rejected. We have never had words or hate between us, just no relationship whatsoever.

I guess I feel a little sorry for myself - I gave up so much to raise them, but knew that when I went into the marriage. You would think after 55 years there would be some sort of relationship, but there isn't. My husband handles his rejection much better than I do - he says they have to live their life. I can handle it if it is not unforgiveness - I sure don't want that.

Thanks again all of you.

Have you ever had a one-on-one lunch or time with them and just asked them 'Is there anything that I could do, that you need from me, for us to have a closer, more loving relationship'?

I have found many times we assume we know what the problem is or that it is unfixable, but it always helps to go straight to the person humbly and really desiring what it is you are asking for.

Do you think this could help? Do not have both children in the same session/at the same time. Each one of them needs to be recognized as an individual and you need to realize that their issues are probably equally individualized.

Good luck!

 

[SharonL]

Thank you ToBeBlessed - this is an excellent idea and out of respect for their dad, I have never done this. Their dad did have a weekend with the daughter and they talked, she asked questions about her mother that were answered. My husband is the type that never speaks bad about anyone. He never really told his 2 children how bad their mother really was so therefore they thought they had a decent mother out there somewhere and the daughter resented the fact that her dad let her believe that.

The son is a different story - the mother showed up after 14 years and told them I broke up their marriage. My husband was divorced and raising the children by himself when I met him. But the son chose to believe that - he lied to her and told her we kicked him out and he had no place to go - he went to live with her for 1 year and asked to come back home, he saw for himself what type of person she was.

It is very hard to explain when there have been no words of hate or trouble - just like we are not in the picture at all. My problem is that I resent that I put so much of my life into raising them without even a recognition. Even a phone call on mothers day would show I exist. LOL My problem is - I need to let it go and that is why I am wondering if it is unforgiveness because I cannot let it go.

Thank you again.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Thank you ToBeBlessed - this is an excellent idea and out of respect for their dad, I have never done this. Their dad did have a weekend with the daughter and they talked, she asked questions about her mother that were answered. My husband is the type that never speaks bad about anyone. He never really told his 2 children how bad their mother really was so therefore they thought they had a decent mother out there somewhere and the daughter resented the fact that her dad let her believe that.

The son is a different story - the mother showed up after 14 years and told them I broke up their marriage. My husband was divorced and raising the children by himself when I met him. But the son chose to believe that - he lied to her and told her we kicked him out and he had no place to go - he went to live with her for 1 year and asked to come back home, he saw for himself what type of person she was.

It is very hard to explain when there have been no words of hate or trouble - just like we are not in the picture at all. My problem is that I resent that I put so much of my life into raising them without even a recognition. Even a phone call on mothers day would show I exist. LOL My problem is - I need to let it go and that is why I am wondering if it is unforgiveness because I cannot let it go.

Thank you again.

I am having a similar problem with not being able to let a situation go. It is not children/step children related but an aunt and cousin.

Luckily, you still have a chance to get some closure. My relatives aren't on speaking terms at all.

I would try to get together and talk to them. Let them know it would mean the world to you just to get a phone call or card in the mail on holidays. If they don't reciprocate then you know the answer, but I am praying for you.

Take care.

 

[geetrue]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

I also have had these same problems ... my children, my ex-wife, old friends even.

I forgave them and it didn't change them, but years go by and I feel more mellow. I must have scars though I remember crying over something my ex-wife did one time (no details), but it went away and I know if I forgave her God wouldn't have anything to blame her for, but if I didn't forgive her God would read that back to me on judgment day (grace or no grace).

My prayers are with you Sharon that you would receive a release and accept the fact that forgiving someone doesn't change them ... it changes you.

Thank you for bringing this topic up ... were getting kind of old, uh Sharon and we need to sweep those cobwebs away with the love of Jesus replacing the hurt and pain even if it is hidden deep inside.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

I don't feel that I have unforgiveness for anyone, but have some hard feelings - is there a difference.

I have 3 people in my life that have hurt me many times over. I would do anything for them, but I have issues that I would love to tear into them and tell them off.

Is this unforgiveness?

Thoughts are meaningless.
How do you treat the person? Are you kind? Do you go out of the way to be gentle and giving? Do you give the person the benefit of the doubt?
Fruit matters, thoughts do not. Tell the devil to take his feelings and thoughts and leave. It is how you act that is important.

 

[SharonL]

I have not treated any of them unkind. I continue to do what I can, but I must say it is for the sake of my husband, not out of the kindness of my heart. When they talk to me, they would not know anything is wrong. I hide it very well. But there is very little communication. It has helped by putting it out and reading all of your posts - I seem to be letting it go a little better.

Thank you all so very much and God Bless. Yes geetree - age is a factor - I'm 78 and I sure don't want this on my record when I go home to be with the Lord.

 

[Messy]

Their mother deserted them and we had a good home, they were treated the same as our other 2 children, yet they say they feel rejected.

They were rejected, by their mother, so rejection came in and then they rejected you.

 

[lismore]

Is this unforgiveness?

Even after forgiveness there can be a natural wariness. Rightly so.

An example:

A relative who consistently steals from you to feed a gambling addiction, sure forgive them just as God has forgiven us. But do not leave them alone in the house with a wad of cash.

Your natural urge is to explain to them that gambling is not good.