Pros and Cons of Marrying Someone Older

[illudium_phosdex]

My husband is 9 years older than me. I pick at him because he was fighting in Grenada when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. It sounds really yucky when put in that light but now I'm 39 and he's 48 and it's not bad at all.

The biggest problem we had in the beginning, and I think this has already been mentioned, was being at different places in life. I was 25 and childless when we married and he was 34 and already had an 11 year old at the time so as far as he was concerned, he was done having children. I wanted 4. We ended up compromising and we have 2 but he was not overly happy about it until our son turned 1 I think. Maybe he just wasn't too into babies, though, because I talked to his ex-wife later and she said he wasn't all that great with his first daughter when she was a baby either but really got into it when she turned about 1 too. *shrugs*

I guess now, we're still kind of at different places. Like I really like to keep busy so I do a lot of things with the kids and with their activities. I'm a leader at AWANA, my daughter's Girl Scout troop, and I assist with my son's Cub Scout den. I'm also the one who goes to all their orchestra concerts and gets them to swimming practice. My husband is just tired all the time. So he doesn't do much of anything except work and then come home and either watch TV or sit at the computer. He doesn't even like to go to church too much any more because he'd rather stay home and sleep. *sigh*

 

[katautumn]

My husband is 9 years older than me. I pick at him because he was fighting in Grenada when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. It sounds really yucky when put in that light but now I'm 39 and he's 48 and it's not bad at all.

LOL It's like when my husband tells me, "just think, when you were celebrating your first birthday I was a senior in high school". It sounds so creepy when he puts it that way. "I started kindergarten in 1986"..."and I was picking up chicks in bars". I, personally, think this was the worst:

Me: "I remember back in 1987, we lived in this house with box hedges and my sister and I pretended it was our own Peewee's Playhouse."

Him: "I remember that year. That was the year I got the clap."

Guess that picking up women in bars wasn't working out so well for him.

 

[JaneFW]

Oh I hear you both, but from the other perspective! I think that when I was out clubbing with my friends at 18, my husband was in middle school. :o When he first told me how old he was, it was my immediate impulse to not become involved with him. I had been ruminating on the 'advances' of an older man, who was actually 50 (I was 35) and quite tempted to date him, in the hope that he might provide an environment of more calm and peace than I had had in my first marriage. It's interesting to think about if I had gone that route, how it would have worked out, because he was also Jewish and a single dad, and my h was Christian and a single dad. One of those roads in the woods and I took this one.

 

[All4HISglory]

It think it depends on the people involved and the circumstances.

My husband and I are 5 years a part. Not major in age I guess. I personally think marrying an older man can workout just fine. If I had to do it over again and my husband wasn't an option, I'd still want an older man.

Advantages: possibly more settled, family driven, realistic, knows what they want, able to provide mature advice and direction etc.

Disadvantages: similar interests outside of long term, may have had a previous relationship with children and no longer desire any more children, family acceptance on both sides.

For personally, the biggest disadvantage would be if they had children and did not want to have anymore. That's a deal breaker!

On a side note. I saw on the news the other day that one of the potential factors of Autism is older fathers. There is a high percent of children that were diagnosed with Autism, had fathers older than their mothers and the fathers were over 40.

~For Your glory Lord {iPad}

 

[Chaplain David]

There are a lot of ways of looking at this. In Mediterranean and Middle Eastern countries for example the man is generally a lot older. In the western world we tend to be closer in age. My wife and I are two years apart. I am the oldest. If she were older or younger it would make no difference to me because I have my life mate. God bless you all.

 

[poohgirl]

I think that for many of them, it can be a case of looking for a replacement father.

I agree.

 

[Anessa14]

Cougar here 15 yrs older than my husband. We didn't even know each others' ages for the first year we were talking. We just meshed. When he asked me to marry him, that was when the doubts came up; and I questioned him hard.

15 years later- still pretty darn good. Still matched at interests & (mostly) at energy levels (although my arthritis has caused me to take more rest time between major hikes, etc)

I can still laugh that I was arrested for protesting the Vietnam war the year he was born...... Lucky for us, he's very well read. It is a treat to introduce him to some great movies that he would have skipped otherwise (The Sting comes to mind, because he didn't 'get' a commercial featuring dog, cat, mouse and a finger alongside the nose as a signal)

culturally-- it doen't come up in everyday conversation much. Some of our friends would be shocked to know the actual number of years.
A

 

[JaneFW]

Still matched at interests & (mostly) at energy levels (although my arthritis has caused me to take more rest time between major hikes, etc)

I can testify on this one. It troubles me that mine is obviously an aging body, and perhaps it's a good thing that my h also has some medical issues, otherwise I'm afraid he would have gotten bored and irritated that I can't do what I used to do be able to do. Also, my energy level is highest first thing in the morning - I've always been a "lark" so I work out at 5am, and at weekends we walk and/or bike together at about 6am .. but but 9pm .. I am beat, whereas his night owl nature is to stay up until 11pm. Maybe if I ever get to retire it will even out.

We didn't even know each others' ages for the first year we were talking. We just meshed. When he asked me to marry him, that was when the doubts came up; and I questioned him hard.

My husband told me his age within the first week, and I immediately had doubts and fears. He already knew my age. Her persuaded me that the age difference wasn't an issue. However, I made him tell his parents that I was older than him by 7 years because I hadn't even met them yet, but it was obvious from everything he said about them - which was nothing negative, but I could read between the lines as to the kind of people they were/are - that they would have something to say about it. I never wanted to hear them say that I tricked him, or seduced him or something. As I'm turning 50, it's kind of weird because he will be 42 when I turn 50, and that's when it seems like a really huge gap. But I'll be more worried about turning 60, I must admit (because then I'll be realllllly old, lol.) I know that age is "just a number" but sometimes it can be a lot more than that, when there are other issues.

 

[dallasapple]

First of all just on the OPs experience this for one blows it out of the water that its women trying to lasso a man in so she can have children and have a father around to help raise them..As I have expressed before and is my experience..most MEN and women have a desire to have at least one child..equally...So here you are men in their late 30's all the way up to 50..who have thus far 'escaped" the clutches of a women hell bent on tricking him into marraige to only then use him to have children..having that VERY ability as a top priority when thinking of marriage..she must want children and she must be YOUNG enough to bare HIS offspring..

Having said that I think once you get that much older..its questionable to bring a child into the world that you statistically are not likely to even be around after they hit thier teens or early 20's..I think everyone has fought hard to all agree the IMPORTANCE of children having the regular and ongoing prescnece of their fathers from birth and throughout..Not to mention that leaves the mother who will still be relativley young a widow..alone or even having to put much energy into caring for an eldery sick husband the father of children that are still dependent on both of them(its unfari for her to have both burdens on her at once..and not to mention the children)....and if she remarries the new husband may or may NOT be good to his children ..thats allowing for the fact i know step parents that are the most excellent parents to there non biological children ..I in fact had a non biological father from 6 on ..my father died when I was 4...

anyway ..so just the aspect of HAVING children when you are much older..and I mean specifically 50' sand 60's isnt really the best case scenerio for the CHILDREN or the mother of the children..

Oh and what Jane said just becasue men CAN have children doesnt mean they arent contributing to the risk factors of abnormalities...later in age..women in thier late 40's and mid 50's (many of them ) can in fact HAVE children..Im 44 and I can no doubt have another baby..that doesnt MEAN thier isnt higher risk to me and my baby if I did so...not to mention I even though I plan on beign healthy and active for as long as I can ..in many ways I have NO control over my body wearing out..and trying to keep up with babies and toddler and young teeangers into my late 50's early 60's is not again ideal for me or the child..All Im saying is the same applies for men..being able to physically impregnate someone in your older years takes all of a few minutes..So what?Thats not fatherhood..Fatherhood is the next 2 decades and beyond after those few minutes in the sack..

There are always exceptions..but in general just because a man in his 50s and 60s can still impregnate someone doesnt mean its a good idea or that hes supposed to.Just like just because I can still have a baby now doesnt mean its right for me to..In fact it can be an irresponsible thing to do.I consider it a risky endeavor and I personally would have not preferred (even though my father died tragically young(28) in an accident) to have been born to a 50 60+year old father..Thats what grandpas are for..and like I said there are exceptions so I mean no offense to any of the "older" new parents out there...I guess in that way Im just too logical.Doesnt "compute" to me...I think childbering shoudl be to a a mother AND a father with a good statistical 30 HEALTHY years in front of them..If at all posible..

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

Dallas,

I mentioned the child-bearing issue because certain of the men I talked to were looking for a younger women because they wanted children or a certain number of children, not because of the idea that most women are trying to lasso in men to be fathers.

The risk of children birth defects increases as parents age, and it is good to be around for grandkids to grow up. That doesn't make it a sin for an older person to have a child. In the Bible, children in old age is treated like a blessing. Having kids in general is a blessing. For me personally, how old I'm going to be, Lord willing, when a child finally grows up is a consideration.

 

[dallasapple]

Dallas,

I mentioned the child-bearing issue because certain of the men I talked to were looking for a younger women because they wanted children or a certain number of children, not because of the idea that most women are trying to lasso in men to be fathers.

The risk of children birth defects increases as parents age, and it is good to be around for grandkids to grow up. That doesn't make it a sin for an older person to have a child. In the Bible, children in old age is treated like a blessing. Having kids in general is a blessing. For me personally, how old I'm going to be, Lord willing, when a child finally grows up is a consideration.

I never once siad it was a "sin"...where did I say that?I PERSONALLY think its as a general rule NOT the best case scenerio for the mother and the child to have the father likely to DIE and before the child reaches full adulthood and that before that the father be a geriatrics patient while STILL raising children or have children still dependent on you for everyone involved...Period..I have no issue sayign as a general rule thats UNFAIR to the child ..that has nothign to do with children beign a BLESSING to the PARENTS..Im talking about the CHILDREN not the parents desires..the childs welfare..and the mother of the child ..to have to be alone ..or carign for an old sick husbnd while she still had the RESPONSIBILITIES of caring for children..YOU can say thats a "blessing " to the parents all you want..I really am not talkign about children being blessings Im well aware of that fact I have 3 sons and one grandchild all of which I consider a bessing to me..that has nothign to do with my abilities to care for them..YOu did say "pros and CONS" ..thats a definate CON and its a CON for the child ..and IMHO its a CON for the woman in this case beign married to a man that she will outlive by decades and the children will possibly become fatherless while still dependent on BOTH of them....not merely a few years even ...

As far as the first thing..I was simply pointing out that your OP..demonstrates which I like to do because its often suggested otherwise that MEN desire children just as women do..and when looking for a spouse thats a consideration for men EQUALLY as it is to women ..who dont already have children ..or who do and want more..There is sort of this common theme that emerges quite frequently that children are more because the woman desires it..or desires it more..or thats even her entire GOAL when "shopping' for a husband ..Its nice to see at aleast ONE example of someone who personally knows several single men and of advancing age that is a PRIMARY goal for them when considering marriage..I aways knew that anyway..but some people like to pretend thats not the case..

Dallas

 

[Anessa14]

(tongue FIRMLY placed in cheek)

and it's way better to having babies while you're young, because heaven forbid the kid be in puberty while mom is menopausal....

 

[JaneFW]

(tongue FIRMLY placed in cheek)

and it's way better to having babies while you're young, because heaven forbid the kid be in puberty while mom is menopausal....

Oh it's quite true. Someone wrote that post-menopausal moms and teenage children do not mix, and from my own experience it is not fun. I have less patience for sure. But it's not the end of the world. I believe that teenagers are trying no matter what your phase of life, and I now have three teenagers. Lucky me.

 

[peckaboo]

(tongue FIRMLY placed in cheek)

and it's way better to having babies while you're young, because heaven forbid the kid be in puberty while mom is menopausal....

Oh it's quite true. Someone wrote that post-menopausal moms and teenage children do not mix, and from my own experience it is not fun. I have less patience for sure. But it's not the end of the world. I believe that teenagers are trying no matter what your phase of life, and I now have three teenagers. Lucky me.

My mom was almost 40 when she had me, so my teenage / her menopausal years were pretty harrowing for us both... But now we're super-close, having come through such a traumatic experience together and survived, haha So, y'know, it could be a good thing I suppose

 

[pappastratos]

I say its not a good thing. As the men get 'older', they will want to stay home & watch the golf channel while their young wife wants to party. Then a guy who is the same age as her comes along, then,,guess what ????

 

[LinkH]

Dallas,

I didn't mean to imply that you were saying it was a sin for older couples to have children.

One advantages to having kids when you are young is you have more energy to chase them around. Sometimes I wish there were a way to temporary suck up some of the energy they have and put it in the parents so they can go to sleep and the parents won't be so tired. I imagine some kind of device with a kind of round metal thing that goes on the kids and parents heads, connected with wires.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I am 7 years older than my wife, so you'll have to ask her if that is a pro or a con...

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Anyone up for a discussion of the benefits and disadvantages of age differences in marriage?

My DH is about a decade older than me, a fact that I routinely tease him about In about ten years he'll be able to order off the "Senior" menu at Denny's. Cha-ching! Savings for us LOL Seriously I don't really think about the advantages/disadvantages of being married to someone signigficantly older than I. In fact, the only major disadvantage I see is that he might die before me and I'll be alone

 

[Diane_Windsor]

I say its not a good thing. As the men get 'older', they will want to stay home & watch the golf channel while their young wife wants to party. Then a guy who is the same age as her comes along, then,,guess what ????

The "young wife" stays with her man that's what! I resent what you are implying. I would never leave my DH for a younger man.

 

[LinkH]

I say its not a good thing. As the men get 'older', they will want to stay home & watch the golf channel while their young wife wants to party. Then a guy who is the same age as her comes along, then,,guess what ????

Some women don't want to go out and party. Some wives are faithful.

If someone has a wondering eye, age doesn't have to be an issue. A wife with an unfaithful heart can dump a young husband just as quickly as she could dump an old husband. An unfaithful husband could do the same.