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PretzelMonger passed away on September 28, 2020

Discussion in 'Memorials & Grief Support' started by KagomeShuko, Oct 24, 2020.

  1. KagomeShuko

    KagomeShuko Wretched Sinner/Belovèd Child of God/Church Nerd

    United States
    PretzelMonger (my sister, Briana) passed away on September 28, 2020. She was sick with something that the doctors never diagnosed. She was having problems managing her secretions, she couldn't swallow without aspirating, she had reflux from her stomach even when she had PEG tube feedings. Yet, all she wanted to do was eat by mouth, so she chose palliative care at the very end.

    I was not able to see her since October 2019. At first, I did not have a job or money to go visit her and then COVID happened, so I wasn't allowed to visit her.

    She was looking so well and it was only a few days after I last chatted with her on Facebook and all we really got to discuss was her getting registered for absentee voting. She said she would get help.

    She chose to be on palliative care, but her being special needs, as well, doesn't take away the feeling that I failed her even though I couldn't have done anything.

    Only afterwards does it look like she MIGHT have had bulbar polio, but that's not certain because I don't think they tested her for that, but I don't know.

    She did have a spinal tap back in March or April 2019.

    It is so super complicated grief. I am sure she is in heaven and reunited with our parents and the three grandparents, a couple of uncles, and all kinds of other relatives and tons of dogs and friends . . . and ultimately, with Jesus and with God which has to be the best, but the whole being the big sister, feeling like I needed to take care of her, not being able to be t there for her, not being able to give her hugs and cuddles . . . all of that hurts.

    She was in a nursing home in Plaquemine, Louisiana. I was evacuated (and still am) up in Tennessee from hurricanes Laura and Delta (and now we're watching another hurricane) from Lake Charles, Louisiana. Plaquemine is a two to three hour drive from Lake Charles as is.

    I feel so bad and I also feel so alone - I'm the only one now left from our immediate family. I don't have a husband or a boyfriend. I don't have any children.

    I need a lot of prayers. This is very difficult.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Phronema

    Phronema Well-Known Member Supporter

    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    You have my prayers, and so does your Sister. I know the feeling of not having much immediate family left as I'm in a very similar situation.

    Remember that God won't put us through anything we can't handle with His help. Pray, pray, and pray. It helps me since my Mother recently passed away. Prayer, and time is all that can make it easier I think, but it does get better over time in my opinion.
  3. KagomeShuko

    KagomeShuko Wretched Sinner/Belovèd Child of God/Church Nerd

    United States
    Thank you. She was only 36 and would have been 37 this November. I didn't even get to celebrate her 36th birthday with her as I didn't have money to go visit her as I didn't have a job. I was looking for one as I was living off of an annuity and She was in a group home in Baker, Louisiana - same area as Plaquemine. They did take her to the movies where she got to watch Frozen II.

    I sent her some things she asked for.

    I'm pretty sure she has communicated with me in ways, but it is still so difficult. I wish I could really talk to her. (I wish I could really talk to our parents and others, too . . .)
  4. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

    Oriental Orthodox
    You have my prayers, too, as unworthy as I am to offer them. Just please don't be down on yourself about 'failing' her -- you don't control covid restrictions, and there are many people who are in similar situations as you are in, through no fault of their own. I'm one of them. I saw my father for what turned out to be the last time in December of last year for Christmas, and then with covid and him being homeless for the last six months before he passed, we just never got a chance to see each other. I even went to the care home he was being looked after in about two weeks before he died, only to be told by the staff (who didn't mention anything on the phone before I showed up there -- a four hour drive, all told) that I wouldn't be able to see him because he's in quarantine in a special wing of the building, since he came from a different county and all patients who come in from other places are placed in a mandatory covid isolation wing for the first 14 days after being admitted. His isolation would've ended on August 10th, and I had made plans to see him the closest weekend after that with my cousin (the closest family that I have now, geographically-speaking), but he passed away that very day at 3:10 in the morning, so instead of calling my cousin to finalize our plans for that weekend, I had to call my brother, uncle (father's brother), and a few other family members. It was horrible.

    Life can really suck like this sometimes. I hope and pray that you can focus on whatever good memories you have of your sister, even if you still feel bad. With time your perspective will surely change and, by God's power as the Physician of our souls and bodies, you can be healed of any guilt and come to appreciate the role you were able to play in your sister's life, even if the question of what you could've/should've done doesn't necessarily go away. You did what you could do at the time, and it really comes across in your post that you wanted the best for her, and that's very commendable. No doubt other people with special needs would be lucky to have such love in their lives.

    Lord have mercy upon Your servant, KagomeShuko, and receive the soul of her sister Briana in the paradise of joy, in the heavenly Jerusalem, the place out of which all pain has fled away, together with the souls of the righteous and all those who have pleased You since the beginning.
  5. “Paisios”

    “Paisios” Sinner Supporter

    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    My condolences on your loss. You have my prayers, as does your sister.