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Premarital Sex After Divorce...

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by Lala123456789, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. Lala123456789

    Lala123456789 New Member

    Not sure if this is the right thread...forgive me if it's not.

    Hi, I'm new here. I'm a born-again Christian from Florida. It'll be a year soon since I got divorced and I am not currently dating anyone but I am curious about premarital sex after a divorce.

    My story in a nutshell is that I 'waited' until marriage and well my [ex]husband ended up having "issues" in the bedroom. Imagine waiting 20+ years for the "one" and then these issues arise. Intimacy is such an important part of marriage and not being able to express yourself in that way was just awful. This is not the reason for the divorce by the way (he actually ended upbeing unfaithful to me - LONG story).

    Bottom line: Having been through that and being so disappointed, I can't help but want to "test drive the car before I buy it". I still believe in love and want to get married again and have a family. But the idea of something like that happening to me again frightens me. I mean who knows maybe the next person I meet will want to wait regardless of what I feel but I can't help but be apprehensive. What does the bible really say about premarital sex? Is it just legalism? I understand "sleeping around" is unacceptable (and even unhealthy) but once you know this is the person you will spend all of your life with...perhaps after getting engaged, would it be OK? Please don't criticize, I just need honest advice.

    Thanks in advance for your comments! :cool:
  2. Elijah2

    Elijah2 No weapons formed against me will prosper.

    First off my dear sister, there is one thing that most divorcees complete forget when they are divorced that when they were married they made marriage vows with our Lord Jesus Christ, and even though you are divorced those vows are still those spoken words of promises you made with HIM.

    SO what you need to do is to confess and repent to our Lord Jesus Christ for not fulfilling your marriage vows, and that you are also held accountable and repsponsible for letting HIM down and be part of the break up as well.

    Ask HIM to forgive you and for you to forgive your ex-husband, and for HIM to cancel out your vows that you had made with him, and then ask HIM to bless your status and to help you to find a good partner to marry, and when you do ask HIM to bless it.

    <Staff edit>

    Much to think about, but I have see far too many Christian marriages destroyed by not fulfilling the marriage vows, and other marriages have been dealt the same fate, because they were basically living in an adulterous affair as the original marriage vows made with our Lord Jesus Christ are still in force.

    Think about it, because many terrible second marriage problems had been solved many times when they realise that spoken words, particularly marriage vows are still in force.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2009
  3. Bobinator

    Bobinator Senior Member


    I'll have to respectfully disagree with Elijah2. Divorce from an adulterous spouse is allowed. Jesus said this himself in Mark 10, among other scriptures in the 4 gospels. Marriage is a covenant between 2 people with God as their witness and sanctifier. When a covenant (contract) is broken by one, the other is released from their obligation to comply with the terms of the covenant. The word "covenant" is legal terminology with terms as I have described. One example is that God made a covenant with the Israelites. Israel sinned against God and went a-whoring, so God is no longer bound to his covenant with the Jews and has opened his door to the gentiles alike. Another one is if you hire a contractor to build something, and he fails to honor the terms of the contract, you are not obligated to pay him. A covenant is a two-way street.

    There may be other sins involved with your former marriage, but based on what you have shared, I see no particular reason to repent for the divorce itself. Your ex broke the covenant (marriage vows) and sinned against God, not you. You had a choice to either stay with him or leave. No condemnation in either case.

    However, I do agree with the second half of Elijah's comments. Every fornicator can lay claim to "testing the waters."

    Draw closer to the Lord and trust in Him. He's the only insurance that will never need a bail out.
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2009
  4. EazyMack

    EazyMack Guest

    Elijah2 was right, but in the case of adultery it's out the window.

    However, the answer to the question is actually pretty clear. Fornication is fornication, no way around it. I have fallen into that pit in the past, but I have also repented (and still remain in that relationship after 7 months (so far) of 100% celibacy). So please, BELIEVE ME when I tell you:

    Words cannot describe how much better you feel when your relationship is based on God and not on sex. And you can't have it both ways, I've tried but it is impossible. If you are having sex before marriage, then the relationship is about sex first, God second. You don't want that, trust me. It will eat you up on the inside.

    And this way, if the relationship doesn't work out & the time comes to part ways, at least you didn't give a piece of yourself up to haunt you for the rest of these days, all for some moments of physical pleasure. But this is secondary, the main point still remains as stated above.

    This is all coming from experience, ok? I'm really trying to help you out. This is not just Biblical advice, this is first-hand advice too. Although Biblical advice really is the only advice you need, it helps sometimes to add the human element to it. That's why we're here. :)

    God bless.
  5. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    Your fear is very understandable. But why not have some pretty open discussions about sex. Get his views, talk about his experience and yours. Sex is pretty fundamental within a marriage. Like any important issue, premarriage discussion is so necessary.

  6. Justaman0000

    Justaman0000 nomad

    United States
    Don't remarry or have sex at all, and here's why:

    Matthew 19:3-12
    3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, &#8220;Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?&#8221;
    4 &#8220;Haven&#8217;t you read,&#8221; he replied, &#8220;that at the beginning the Creator &#8216; made them male and female,&#8217; 5 and said, &#8216;For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh&#8217;? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.&#8221;
    7 &#8220;Why then, &#8220;they asked, &#8220;did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?&#8221;
    8 Jesus replied, &#8220;Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.&#8221;
    10 The disciples said to him, &#8220;If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.&#8221;
    11 Jesus replied, &#8220;Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.&#8221;

    Romans 7:2-3
    2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3 So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man. (&#8220;As long as you both shall live, till death do you part,&#8221; comes right before the &#8220;I DO&#8221; but so many people in the world today aren&#8217;t living up to that. People are divorcing very often today. We need to remember how to forgive, and work together with our spouses. Couples seem to give up when things get tough. Each spouse must be submissive to each other to work together. The closer each spouse gets to God the closer and the two will come. This is the binding power of God&#8217;s love.)

    Hebrew 13:4
    4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
  7. Bellicus

    Bellicus Account no longer in use

    All I can say is that I have a son that probably would be more happy if he had both his parents around him every day, and I didn't wait till marriage. Actually there never were any marriage, and never will be with the person I didn't wait with.

    I don't think it is just a matter of keeping sex inside of the marriage, just for the sake of keeping it there. I think there is meanings behind it that maybe God see more clearly then us sometimes.
  8. Vi

    Vi Regular Member

    It seems that community laws and Christian laws are being combined sometimes, maybe here too? We as Christians are bound by laws of the state. It is my understanding that the only time we are to break the law is if it contradicts our Christian beliefs/rules/doctrine. And in that case, we are to subject ourselves for discipline for breaking the law. Our community is supposed to be important to us as Christians.

    The current law allows for this woman to be divorced from her husband.

    Even long ago, Moses knew men and their hearts and knew they would not be able to follow rules that go against their true nature, so the law was changed. (I think I'm right about how I said that).

    Now, about the sex before second marriage - it seems pretty straight forward. Though the writings we read refer to perfectly setup situations, and we wonder if second marriages have different rules, - My combined Bible Study experience tells me sex before second marriage isn't okay - if it was important to abstain before, and the first marriage is now erased; then the second marriage is going to be approached as a first marriage, with all the same rules applying. yes? Well, even if you don't think of it that way - you must agree to some point or you wouldn't be here asking opinions.

    I have been in a similar situation as you. I didn't always do the right thing, I know about a husband with bedroom issues. I understand the desire to make sure it does plague your marriage. I do I do I understand.

    Some Christians I know sin, then ask for forgiveness - they take this approach to many things. I think it's dangerous. I think a great gift is received sometime down the road when we - through faith - can walk the narrow path. Think of what is received for your success, in abstaining, surely this is what God is wanting for you. I also feel that the focus of sex in this current day, is dangerous to us and our decisions as Christians. I'll just bet you feel kind of silly or freaky about approaching the issue of being whatever age your are (I'm 50 btw) and abstaining from sex until you are married again. It's not a typical thing to hear in this culture, now is it? But if you think it through, it's important to be that Christian and to follow Chrisitan advise taught through the Bible. I don't for one minute believe that what you do or don't do will earn you salvation - only Christ can grace us with salvation - but I think our natural inclinations are dangerous to our relationship with Christ.

    oh, I'll probably read this later and think it all came out wrong - I hope it helped a little though.
  9. childofGod31

    childofGod31 Regular Member

    "Test driving" is wrong. It comes under "sexual immorality" sin. I'll post some verses below. But "test driving" is not necessary when we ask God to send our match. We have to ask Him to bring a perfect match to us. He wouldn't give us somebody we couldn't stand in that way.

    Also, since "test driving" is sin, it would be equivalent as "selling your soul for a pot of porridge"

    ACT 21:25 As for the Gentile believers, we have written to them our decision that they should abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality."

    1CO 10:8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did - and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.

    1CO 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
    19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
    20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

    GAL 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
    ...24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

    COL 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

    EPH 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

    1TH 4:3 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;
    4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,
    5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God;
    ...7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.
  10. Bartimaeus

    Bartimaeus Pardoned Rebel!

    Calvary Chapel
    In Relationship
    I want to respectfully disagree with Elijah2. You make it sound like adultery and fornication are unforgiveable sins. We know from Scripture that there is only one unforgiveable sin, blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. As long as someone who has committed adultery or fornication repents, they can be forgiven and it will be washed under the blood.
  11. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    They're not unforgivable. But they do carry lifelong consequences, and the more you get involved in them, the more you get tangled in the web. Everyone should stay out of that!
  12. Lala123456789

    Lala123456789 New Member

    Thank you all who responded. I agree with those that said that adultery freed me from my marriage covenant. I was under complete pastoral care while all this was going on and while we exhausted all option even after the affair - my ex still decided he wanted out. He lead God's sheep astray and he was the adulterer in the marriage. He broke the pact. I actually felt peace about it when it all went down. So thank you to those that agreed in that sense.

    As far as the premarital sex...thank you for the verses. Again, perhaps I am naive but wasn't fornication and sexual immortality that of the Old Testament...where a virgin had to stay a virgin til her marriage was arranged. I did wait until marriage because to me sexual purity was sacred and I wanted to obey God. I feel cheated now kind of. I guess I want to follow God with all my heart but I can't help but be scared. I really thought he was the one. He was a God fearing man, born again in the waters. We placed our entire dating life and married life in God's hands. We planned our lives with God's guidance. How do I know the next God fearing man is not going to do me wrong.......again? Put yourself in my shoes. I know it's not ONLY about sex but when you live in a sexless marriage, you realize the big CHUNK that is missing in that pact. Intimacy. That intimacy that one has with Christ, you weren't able to share that with your husband because he was out sharing it with someone else...or had no desire to share it with me. That hurts. I know it messes up the relationship and STDs/pregnancies... I know I know... it's just scary that this will happen to me again. :cry:thanks for your prayers.
  13. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    Well, if you can't trust a husband, and can't get intimacy in the marriage, who can you trust and where can you get that intimacy. If you don't trust a guy enough to marry him, why would you trust him in the sack. If it's intimacy you want, why would you look at something less than marriage as a place to get it?
  14. EazyMack

    EazyMack Guest

    The verses coG31 listed were from the New Testament.

    I think twistedsketch hit the nail as squarely on the head as humanly possible. And as someone else said, you can still talk about sex & intimacy with your partner without having to actually do it, just to get on the same page with each other.

    And I would again refer to my previous post.

    Praying for ya. Don't give up on God.
  15. Elijah2

    Elijah2 No weapons formed against me will prosper.

    Lala said: my [ex]husband ended up having "issues" in the bedroom. Imagine waiting 20+ years for the "one" and then these issues arise. Intimacy is such an important part of marriage and not being able to express yourself in that way was just awful. This is not the reason for the divorce by the way (he actually ended upbeing unfaithful to me - LONG story).

    Now Lala didn't explain in detail of her long story, or whether the issues were as well. After all, there are two sides to the story. But, it doesn't make any difference, because in any divorce, BOTH are at fault and need to be held accountable and responsible. And the simplest way the steps that I advised on.

    So I suggest to you Lala, as I am talking from experience, and of many such divorcees as yourself, that if you don't wish to take this to our Lord Jesus Christ in simple prayer, and listen to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about when it comes to spiritual issues, then that's between you and our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Heavenly Father, I come to You through our Lord Jesus Christ, and I call upon Your grace and mercy to forgive me for my part in the breakdown of my previous marriage, and for breaking my marriage vows which I made before You.

    I know forgive my previous spouse and myself for our breakdown of marriage, in Jesus&#8217; Name.

    I know that You do accept me right where I am, and I thank You for Your mercy and forgiveness. I ask You to release me from the marriage vows which I made to my former spouse, and to bless my new relationship, in Jesus&#8217; Name.

    I accept this release by faith, in Jesus&#8217; Name.

    I now ask You to accept my present relationship.

    Thank You, Heavenly Father, thank You, Jesus. (AMEN)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2009
  16. Sadiegrl

    Sadiegrl Merging my Theology with Reality!!!


    Mod Hat On
    Thread being moved to General Struggles where it better meets the forum FSGs, thank you for your cooperation and sorry for any inconveniences. God Bless!
    Mod Hat Off
  17. Dave-W

    Dave-W Our six grandchildren Supporter

    Acts 15.19 Therefore it is my judgment that we do not trouble those who are turning to God from among the Gentiles,
    20 but that we write to them that they abstain from things contaminated by idols and from fornication and from what is strangled and from blood.
    21 For Moses from ancient generations has in every city those who preach him, since he is read in the synagogues every Sabbath.”

    These are the "Four Commandments" so-to-speak for New Covenant Gentile Christians. #2 is "fornication." The Greek word is pornia. It means ANYTHING that violates Old Testament sexual standards.
  18. Jsigler

    Jsigler New Member

    United States
    I know this is old, but you are 100% wrong and it needs to be corrected. Divorce is NOT always both people's fault. My dad was abusive to my mom and then cheated on her. She tried to save the marriage, but he was unwilling to give up the relationship with the other woman. That was not her fault. My husband is abusive to me and I have a baby on the way. In order to protect myself and my child and stop the cycle of abuse in my family, I left. This impending divorce is not my fault. For the OP, her husband cheated on her. That is not her fault. Both are NOT always at fault and it's ridiculous to think they are.