My name is Ken Gustafson and I live in Americus, GA. I go by the title “KGGG”I have doubted my salvation just about all my life. I have OCD. I have prayed the sinner’s prayer over and over again thousands, if not millions of times, but I can’t seem to get any assurance that I’m saved because every time I start praying, I get thoughts of reluctance, reservation and hesitation about wanting to be saved. I want to go to heaven and not he’ll, but I keep feeling that I’m not being sincere enough with God. My mother said that when I was a child (about 6 or 7), I prayed with her to ask Jesus into my heart. I know back then that I wanted to go to heaven, but I wondered if I was trusting in her faith instead of my own. She has tried to reassure me that I k ew what I was doing and that I wanted to be saved.
However, a few years later, I began to wonder if I wanted to be saved because I started having thoughts about wanting to get out of something that I couldn’t cancel (eternal security). I wish I had never had that thought come into my mind. I want to know that I’m saved and I want to be happy about and have no regrets about it (Who would want to regret their salvation, right?). But being that I have had thoughts of regretting being saved makes me wonder if I was really saved to begin with. I don’t want these thoughts in my head. I can’t seem to get the assurance of salvation even after praying to be saved over and over again because these thoughts come into my mind every time I pray. I feel that I haven’t had enough sincerity and desire to be saved. I keep trying to generate the right amount of sincerity to be saved, but I feel that I’m always falling short. Even when I think I am saved, I’ll get negative thoughts about being saved. I don’t want those thoughts on my head. As strange as this sounds, I would rather be a miserable Christian regretting my salvation than to not be saved at all.
I think that when I was nine years old, I had hangups about getting into something that I couldn’t cancel out of (eternal security). I wish those thoughts had NEVER entered my mind. I hope I truly was saved when my mother prayed with me at 6 or 7. I’d love to believe that. Back then, Zi didn’t have any thoughts of “reluctance” or “reservations” about being saved. Sometimes, I wonder if my heart is growing hard and I’m close to being beyond repentance like another person posted on this site.
Bottom line, I can’t get assurance of my salvation because I can’t seem to “mean it enough” due to what I explained earlier. Is there anyone out there who can help me or is going through a similar situation? This has caused me years of agonizing mental and physical pain. Thank God there have been intervals in my life where I haven’t thought about this and I’ve been able to have some peace, but not during the past few years. This is all I can think about. I did mention earlier that I have OCD and that probably plays a factor. Can someone help me? I want to know I’m saved and not have any regrets about it.
