Prayer Request - DH just been arrested

[UK Fred]

no further posts from peckaboo - hope you're doing ok.

Peckaboo's user showed last activity on 11th March at 08:23.

 

[peckaboo]

Thanks for your prayers, all. DH was released the following morning with a caution. I picked him up from the police station and took him to work; en route I asked him what had happened in there, and he told me he had been advised to just go along with what I had said and confess to everything, so that's what he did.

When it came time for him to finish work and come home (I was working from home that day) I texted him to say that I'd like to see him and talk about what had happened, but I understood if he'd prefer some space. He said he didn't want to come back to that house but he had nowhere else to go and could I could please go stay with my brother. So I haven't been at home the last few days.

The little contact I've had with him he says he's not interested in talking, to me, or to anyone else, and that he doesn't believe God can fix the marriage. He says he was trying to protect me from myself, and that the marriage is pretty much over.

I don't know anymore that I did the right thing. In truth, I wasn't in any danger on Thursday night - although DH has been aggressive before, he's almost never done anything truly violent. He might pull hair or push me to the ground, or if I go to hit him he might grip my wrists (in self defense) tightly enough to leave a mark. I think I've done worse things to him, in terms of violence, than he has to me. I hit and bite and scratch; he mostly restrains me, but sometimes he doesn't know how to do that, so once he grabbed my hair and smacked my head into the ground to calm me down. But I was trying to strangle him with a phone cord, so he was acting in self-defense.

This morning at church the sermon was based on Philemon, where the runaway slave Onesimus has to go back to his master and seek restitution, even though the penalty for running away would have been death. The pastor was talking about how important it is for Christian relationships to have integrity, and how, if you wrong someone, it's imperative that you go and put it right. Putting the marriage to one side for a minute, DH is my brother in Christ, and, whatever wrongs each of us have done before, I think I wronged him by calling the police on Thursday.

UKFred I think you're right, except that making a false accusation against somebody gets you done for perverting the course of justice, not wasting police time. That carries a maximum life sentence in the UK. This afternoon I went back to DH's and my house to tell him that, all the marriage stuff aside, I had wronged him and I wanted to seek restitution; that I was going to go to the police station, admit to having made a false allegation and tell them that he was acting in self-defence, that I had provoked him to restrain me physically. I know they'll ask me why he confessed if he didn't do it, but (I need to clarify with DH whether it was in the interview room itself that he'd been advised to confess, or elsewhere - I know everything's recorded in the interview room, so hoping it was in there) I think I'll tell them he was told to confess by the detective interviewing him. He also hadn't slept all night and wasn't in any state to be making a confession at all. If they decide to prosecute me, it has to go through the crown prosecution service, not the local police, so it'll be quite a long process.

DH wasn't here when I got home, so I'm currently just waiting for him to get back, paying some bills, and tying up some loose ends at work in case they put me in custody right away and I can't get to those things for a while.

UKFred, we realised pretty early on that we hadn't been ready to get married. But you can't very easily (or very biblically IMO) undo that once it's done.

 

[peckaboo]

Just a side note, I realise that all the other stuff - the inappropriate content, the suicide attempts, the self-harm, the violence - all needs to be dealt with separately and with professional, outside help, if ever we're to be together again. I haven't come home to address any of those things, only to attempt to reconcile for this one thing that I've done wrong. I haven't "come home" in that sense; if the police don't take me in straight away I'll go back to my brother's house because I know you all are right and I can't stay here, for my benefit and for DH's.

I don't think this is going to work out the way it did for some of you ladies, where you were separate from your husbands and it prompted them to want to be reconciled to you. You hadn't done the same things to your husbands as I've done to mine. We've *both* screwed each other over, many, many times. And while I want to be reconciled with DH, and I want us to get counselling and learn how to do this right, I don't believe that he's ever, ever going to want to be with me again, and I can understand that. It would literally take a miracle for this marriage to work.

 

[mkgal1]

In truth, I wasn't in any danger on Thursday night - although DH has been aggressive before, he's almost never done anything truly violent.

So once he grabbed my hair and smacked my head into the ground to calm me down. But I was trying to strangle him with a phone cord, so he was acting in self-defense.

I don't believe that *is* the truth, Peck. "Almost never....." ? You need to at least be honest with yourself.

That's *not* self-defense....that's retaliatory violence....and he's more powerful than you. I pray you are able to understand what *is* the truth.....that a healthy relationship has no dynamic of control---even in conflict. Never.

 

[hijklmnop]

Just a side note, I realise that all the other stuff - the inappropriate content, the suicide attempts, the self-harm, the violence - all needs to be dealt with separately and with professional, outside help, if ever we're to be together again. I haven't come home to address any of those things, only to attempt to reconcile for this one thing that I've done wrong. I haven't "come home" in that sense; if the police don't take me in straight away I'll go back to my brother's house because I know you all are right and I can't stay here, for my benefit and for DH's.

I don't think this is going to work out the way it did for some of you ladies, where you were separate from your husbands and it prompted them to want to be reconciled to you. You hadn't done the same things to your husbands as I've done to mine. We've *both* screwed each other over, many, many times. And while I want to be reconciled with DH, and I want us to get counselling and learn how to do this right, I don't believe that he's ever, ever going to want to be with me again, and I can understand that. It would literally take a miracle for this marriage to work.

I don't think you should separate TO prompt your h to reconcile to you (that's not why I did it either), nor do I think you should be worrying about if he's ever going to want to be with you again. You're so wrapped up in this relationship working and what your dh thinks of you that you're missing the bigger picture, IMO. I think you need to separate to work on your own stuff and clear your head so you can be healthy enough to decide if YOU want to reconcile with HIM. You guys should not be together again until it's safe (smashing your head into the ground on his part and trying to strangle him with a phone cord on your part...this could end in DEATH!), and it's going to take some serious professional help before that happens, if ever. Please take this time apart to concentrate on your own mental and spiritual health, not to be preoccupied with how he's doing and what he thinks of you.

 

[UK Fred]

Just a side note, I realise that all the other stuff - the inappropriate content, the suicide attempts, the self-harm, the violence - all needs to be dealt with separately and with professional, outside help, if ever we're to be together again. I haven't come home to address any of those things, only to attempt to reconcile for this one thing that I've done wrong. I haven't "come home" in that sense; if the police don't take me in straight away I'll go back to my brother's house because I know you all are right and I can't stay here, for my benefit and for DH's.

You do have a lot of "stuff" to deal with and the fact that you recognise that you need professional help is a definite positive. Reconciliation can be a long process. Please do not think that it can happen instanteously. Forgiveness is a decision that can happen in a moment, but reconciliation is a much more complex process. With a lot less to deal with it took my wife and me something like a year to be fully reconciled, between waiting for appointments with counsellors and working through our issues. We still get things wrong and upset each other frequently, but at least we try to talk things through before they have put a big wedge between us.

I don't think this is going to work out the way it did for some of you ladies, where you were separate from your husbands and it prompted them to want to be reconciled to you. You hadn't done the same things to your husbands as I've done to mine. We've *both* screwed each other over, many, many times. And while I want to be reconciled with DH, and I want us to get counselling and learn how to do this right, I don't believe that he's ever, ever going to want to be with me again, and I can understand that. It would literally take a miracle for this marriage to work.

Peckaboo, remember the important facts. God is capable of doing much more than you can ever ask or imagine. If He can create everything, seen and unseen, by speaking, He can have you and your husband reconciled. You are not the worst ever. Remember that St. Paul claimed that he was worst of all sinners. God is in the miracle business. But you need to work with Him. Can I also point you to a series recently on a blog called "The Generous Husband" which dealt with what to do when your spouse is looking for a divorce. While the details are US, the principles hold true for the UK too. You say that you are in the UK. If you are in the Greater Manchester / South Yorkshire / West Yorkshire areas, please PM me and I will suggest a good Christian marriage and relationship counsellor with contact details for you.

I can understand your husband being angry and wanting space, because he now has a criminal record as a result of this caution. You said "he was advised to admit to what you said" but who advised him and was he given any legal representation? It certain was easiest for the police, because they have a reported crime, and admission of guilt and hence a crime solved on their statistics straight away. Your husband's career prospects in some areas, working with children or vulnerable adults for example, are now totally blocked. Please ask him to get to a lawyer or a neighbourhood law centre to see whether anything can be done about having the caution expinged from his record.

I disagree with Mrs. Luther to some extent. I would hate to see any marriage break down. But I think you two will need to keep your distance until you learn how to deal with conflict without starting a localised War, and you both need to learn what buttons on the other you should not press so that neither of you starts the all this violence. I do not think the situation is hopeless, but I do think it is very serious. the sooner you can start the better, but ensure that you have a good competyent therapist who is experienced in areas like relationships and communication, anger management, and dealing with conflict.

 

[dallasapple]

You hadn't done the same things to your husbands as I've done to mine. We've *both* screwed each other over, many, many times. And while I want to be reconciled with DH, and I want us to get counselling and learn how to do this right, I don't believe that he's ever, ever going to want to be with me again, and I can understand that. It would literally take a miracle for this marriage to work.

Yes I have and my husband has been to jail twice(ya'll bare in mind this was 12 years ago last time)..yeah if your husband doesnt want to work things out at all..if he is 'done' with you then of course it will never work out..if he DOES however(and you need to STOP acting like hes some sort of innocent victim that you dont DESREVE if he doesnt want you fne ) but ya'll are in an EXTREMELY out of control situation it seems to me you both have ENORMOUS passion that you are channeling in on each other and affecting each other in a way you LOOSE your mind and want to strike out in pain over the other one not being under your control..

You both have to STOP trying to control each other..and honey MIRACLES can happen and you have something to do with it..YOU NEED to GET some help for your self..you need to seriously IM not beign flippant but CALM down litterally ..you sound frantic and desperate..you need THERAPY and some sort of HEALTHY focus to channel some of this passion you have..right now you seriously seem too OBSESSED on him..and he you ..

I'm just curious as well do either one of you drink?At all?If not forget it..if you do thats a different story ..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Peckaboo..Im going to PM you..maybe we can talk..at the very least you wont feel so alone becaue Im a LOT LIKE YOU but an OLDER calmed down version of you .. ..and to be quite frank you SCARE me i can see some writing on the wall..I think you and your husband have WILD destructive PASSION on your hands right now..thats my feeling..I could be wrong but thats what it sounds like to me...and thats what my husband I had ...(now its controlled LOL)...

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

When I first started to read your post, I was confused by your husband distancing himself from you after getting out of jail because that is not what a typical abusive personality does in these situations.

Not that it matters that much (and I don't mean to be argumentative with you Melissa)...the whole dynamic is destructive....and both are factoring into it, but I don't think that means he is acting in self-defense. He could be distancing himself knowing that's the best way to hurt her the most right now. The ultimate punishment. Control tactics aren't always violent. The one that wants the marriage the most has the least amount of power. It simply shouldn't be based on power at all.

 

[dallasapple]

And also it IS typical after abuse for the person to get REAL quiet and calm.."playing' like they are the victim..

Aslo I agree..with MK what you said..its really a FACT..and thats why he will most likely be charged unless she has some real fast talking doulbe talk to the cops..there is a DIFFERENCE between self defense and RETALIATION..if I go in the den right now and KICK my husband..and stand there and he stands up and throws me down on the ground and bangs my head ..thats NOT SELF DEFENSE..self defense is FLEEING or running and calling the police..NOT a 180lb man slinging a 100lb woman on to the ground when YES Peckaboo..it could kill you ..or land you in the hospital with a consussion ...

I'll tell you ONE story..one time my husband said something that was EXTEREMELy hurtful..we were NOT in a good place already so you have this TENSION running high at all times..I threw a telephone across the room..YES thats "wrong' ..no issue there..it bounced off the back of his head...he then turned around I saw the look on his face..and I RAN..get it?Im RUNNING from him ..he catches up to me and pushes me as hard as he can(form BEHIND he puses my back ) ..my feet come up OFF THE GROUND..I land on my chest and face hard..it knocks the breath out of me completely and I cant breath..

That is NOT SELF DEFENSE..what he did was WRONG and could have serioulsy injured me..luckily I wasnt harmed but the ole" I was defeding my self' is BS..and thats what he tried to say and what HE tried to convince me of..what that was was HIS boiling over rage at me that was there BEFORE I ever threw the phone being unleashed(hence his hateful comment to me first)..NOT self defense..when you defend your self you arent usually the one RUNNING towards the person who is TRYING to get away from you ..whom also is almost HALF your size with no weapon..

Self defense is SELF defense that if you cant RUN..and get away from the person you are FORCED to fight back to protect your self from physcial injury..Not engaging in a back and forth hand to hand combat to see who can "win"..especially when its OBVIOUS who is going to win in the first place..

Dallas

 

[hijklmnop]

ITA with Dallas and MK. The fact that he's avoiding you, Peck, is not surprising. You guys probably have a deeply ingrained "dance" with each other...a codependent, needy vs. angry push-and-pull that has gone so far as to get physical. You guys probably love each other passionately sometimes yet despise each other passionately when things get heated. I'm guessing all this because my marriage used to get violent too. We were both abusive at times and there was no excuse either way, however, my h's actions were more serious because he was bigger and stronger than me which meant that when he got physical he was taking advantage of that power dynamic. Peck, I now work with people living with the lifelong effects of brain injuries and I don't think you are "getting" what one blow to the head could do to you. If you did you wouldn't be so eager to chase your h down until you believe for certain he's changed and would never hurt you physically again. What I'm reading is very, very scary. Please stay away from each other till professional help has made a big difference in both of your lives.

And yes, miracles are possible, my marriage is a testimony to that. Thanks to God and what we've learned from Him particularly through professional help, we rarely even raise our voices anymore and even the HINT of violence is VERY far in the past. I look back and can't believe that was us once. People can change but you have to focus on YOU right now. PM me anytime if you want.

 

[UK Fred]

And also it IS typical after abuse for the person to get REAL quiet and calm.."playing' like they are the victim..

Aslo I agree..with MK what you said..its really a FACT..and thats why he will most likely be charged unless she has soem real fast talkign doulbe toalk to the cops..there is a DIFFERENCE between self defense and RETALIATION..if I go in the den right now and KICK my husband..and stand there and he stands up and throws me down on the ground and bangs my head ..thats NOT SELF DEFENSE..self defense is FLEEING or running and calling the police..NOT a 180lb man slinging a 100lb woman on to the ground when YES Peckaboo..it could kill you ..or land you in the hospital with a consussion ...

I'll tell you ONE story..one time my husband said somethign that was EXTEREMELy hurtful..we were NOT in a good place already so you have this TENSION running high at all times..I threw a telephone across the room..YES that "wrong' ..not issue there..it bounced off the back of his head...he then turned around I saw the look on his face..and I RAN..get it?Im RUNNING from him ..he catches up to me and pushes me as hard as he can ..my feet come up OFF THE GROUND..I land on my chest and face hard..it knocks the breath out of me completely and I cant breath..

That is NOT SELF DEFENSE..what he did was WRONG and could have serioulsy injured me..luckily I wasnt harmed but he ole" I was defedning my self' is BS..and thats what he tried to say and what HE tried to convince me of..what that was was HIS boiling over rage at me that was there BEFORE I ever threw the phone being unleashed(hence his hateful cmment to me first)..NOT self defense..when you defend your self you arent usually the one RUNNING towards the person who is TRYING to get away from you ..whom also is almost HALF your size with no weapon..

Self defense is SELF defense that if you cant RUN..and get away from the person you are FORCED to fight back to protect yoru self from physcial injury..Not engaging in a back and forth hand to hand combat to see who can "win"..especially when its OBVIOUS who is going to win in the first place..

Dallas

Dallasapple, I think that you have just illustrated what I can only call the "You can't retaliate at me, I'm a woman" double standard.

In a situation that is tense the autonomic nervous system is working and there is the 'fear flight fight' reaction. When the other person does something aggressive, like throwing a telephone at you, one simple reacts by going for either fight or flight. Most blokes are fairly logical. If they think they will not lose, they will choose to fight. The behaviour of most women now is such that there is no difference between reacting to a woman or reacting to another bloke. Feminism took away the whole chivalry thing. If you are going to be a prat to a bloke, then you can expect what you get. The sisterhood has for the last 40 years been arguing that men and women are equivalent in every way. In the UK, until recent equality legislation, women could not work down coal mines, but now they can. They drive trucks and buses and they go out and get aggressively drunk and aggressively obnoxious. They wind up blokes who think, this might look like a woman, but it behaves like bloke so I'll treat it like a bloke. I suggest you have a look at John Townsend's video "Why we fight" on cloudtownsend.com.

And I would suggest that Peckaboo and her DH both get hold of a copy of BOundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read, learn and inwardly digest it along with daily Bible study.

 

[hijklmnop]

Dallasapple, I think that you have just illustrated what I can only call the "You can't retaliate at me, I'm a woman" double standard.

In a situation that is tense the autonomic nervous system is working and there is the 'fear flight fight' reaction. When the other person does something aggressive, like throwing a telephone at you, one simple reacts by going for either fight or flight. Most blokes are fairly logical. If they think they will not lose, they will choose to fight. The behaviour of most women now is such that there is no difference between reacting to a woman or reacting to another bloke. Feminism took away the whole chivalry thing. If you are going to be a prat to a bloke, then you can expect what you get. The sisterhood has for the last 40 years been arguing that men and women are equivalent in every way. In the UK, until recent equality legislation, women could not work down coal mines, but now they can. They drive trucks and buses and they go out and get aggressively drunk and aggressively obnoxious. They wind up blokes who think, this might look like a woman, but it behaves like bloke so I'll treat it like a bloke. I suggest you have a look at John Townsend's video "Why we fight" on cloudtownsend.com.

And I would suggest that Peckaboo and her DH both get hold of a copy of BOundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read, learn and inwardly digest it along with daily Bible study.

Retaliation by EITHER sex has no place in a marriage, regardless of gender.

However, bigger, stronger men have a responsibility to control themselves for necessity's sake in a violent situation, just as a parent has a responsibility to not haul off and punch their kid in the face even if their kid "did it first." Every human being in the world has a responsibility legally and morally to be able to control themselves and react only with necessary force in a situation where self-defense is needed. Your argument that because women have gained more equality in society and in the workplace they should expect a punch back in the face from a man twice her size holds no water in any court of law. There are way too many alternatives to equal retaliation from a person with far more physical capabilities than the one who provoked them.


And yes, Boundaries is an excellent book and I highly recommend it!!!

 

[dallasapple]

Dallasapple, I think that you have just illustrated what I can only call the "You can't retaliate at me, I'm a woman" double standard.

No its NOT a double standard..its just when a MAN retaliates against a female there is USUALLY a very huge advantage if you can CALL it that and SHE is at HIGHER by far risk of SERIOUS bodily injury ...Her BODY doesnt know any 'double standard" so she is the one that is ging to get hurt..

No one should ever hit ANYONE male or female..but if she does and he retaliates he cant CLAIM SELF DEFENSE..thats what I said..I never said anything about a "double standard on retaliation" Im saying dont CONFUSE DELIBERATE ASSAULT in retaliation and SELF DEFENSE..do you not understand those defintitions I will pull them up for you from websters if you dont?Let me put it this way..a MAN or a WOMAN can not "hit back' in retailiation and call it 'self defese"..is that better?

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

And yes, miracles are possible, my marriage is a testimony to that. Thanks to God and what we've learned from Him particularly through professional help, we rarely even raise our voices anymore and even the HINT of violence is VERY far in the past. I look back and can't believe that was us once. People can change but you have to focus on YOU right now. PM me anytime if you want.

Ours went on a LOT longer in our marraige I think then in yours but still..we too rarely ever even yell anymore at one another..let alone hit push chase all that..we had drinking in the mix too..expecially mine..but in the earlier years even though i wouldnt classify him as an alcoholic.."gettign drunk' did NOT help..thats one thing Im curious if there is ANY alcohol involved on eihter there sides thats such a COMMON denominator in marragies with domestic violence..deosnt mean non drinkers cant "passionately despise"(love that the way you say it its SOO true) but add in the alcohol we loose more self control that way..bad idea in an already messed up dynamic...

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

The dangerous recipe for disaster that I'm seeing is that Peckaboo has a history of self-harming.....in a way....it seems to me that the source of that self-destruction has just been changed.

You need to believe that you are worth more than being destroyed....Peckaboo. YOU are valuable and need to be in an environment that encourages you to believe that. (Hopefully you are able to post back and let us know if you did end up going to the police again.)

 

[mkgal1]

Thanks for your prayers, all. DH was released the following morning with a caution. I picked him up from the police station and took him to work; en route I asked him what had happened in there, and he told me he had been advised to just go along with what I had said and confess to everything, so that's what he did.

This morning at church the sermon was based on Philemon, where the runaway slave Onesimus has to go back to his master and seek restitution, even though the penalty for running away would have been death. The pastor was talking about how important it is for Christian relationships to have integrity, and how, if you wrong someone, it's imperative that you go and put it right. Putting the marriage to one side for a minute, DH is my brother in Christ, and, whatever wrongs each of us have done before, I think I wronged him by calling the police on Thursday.

This afternoon I went back to DH's and my house to tell him that, all the marriage stuff aside, I had wronged him and I wanted to seek restitution; that I was going to go to the police station, admit to having made a false allegation and tell them that he was acting in self-defence, that I had provoked him to restrain me physically. I know they'll ask me why he confessed if he didn't do it, but (I need to clarify with DH whether it was in the interview room itself that he'd been advised to confess, or elsewhere - I know everything's recorded in the interview room, so hoping it was in there) I think I'll tell them he was told to confess by the detective interviewing him. He also hadn't slept all night and wasn't in any state to be making a confession at all. If they decide to prosecute me, it has to go through the crown prosecution service, not the local police, so it'll be quite a long process.

It's not a relationship of integrity to not tell the truth. Saying that your husband acted in self defense isn't the truth (as Dallas described well what self-defense would be).

 

[dallasapple]

re·tal·i·ate (r

-t

l

-

t

)
v. re·tal·i·at·ed, re·tal·i·at·ing, re·tal·i·ates
v.intr. To return like for like, especially evil for evil.

v.tr. To pay back (an injury) in kind.

This is what I want to make clear..calling the above 'self defense" is a LIE...and by the way..the POLICE dont buy it either..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

Bah, I don't know anymore. I was re-reading the thread just now. I don't think going home and waiting for him to show up was a good idea.

Absolutely agree. When a person says they would rather be left alone.....respect that---especially with all this fuel to the fire.

 

[DZoolander]

All I know from reading this stuff is that there's a HUGE amount of unhealthy things going on in this relationship... You've got the hubby insinuating that the wife is unclean and he's beset with images of her with other dudes in his mind... You've got her apparently lashing out. You've got him (over)reacting in kind.

If I were on any other board I'd have a choice acronym to follow those observations with...

First, let me say that I agree with the people here that say he should not be responding in kind. To imply that women's suffrage for equality in the workplace or society means that now they are on equal footing on physical terms with a man is just preposterous.

I'm 6'3" and pretty strongly built. My wife is 5'5" and pretty gracile. I outweigh her by about 100lbs. The sexual dimorphism in many couples is along those lines. As said by others - we (men) simply have an ability to inflict far more damage to our mates than they do to us. As a result - we have to be even more restrained in our use of force. That's not to say that a woman should be allowed to act like a violent and petulant child...but we are not to respond in kind (both for moral and pragmatic/physical reasons).

"Knocked my head against the ground a few times to make me acquiesce and come to my senses." C'mon now. That's a load of nonsense. As a man - if your wife is behaving miserably - you remove yourself from the situation.

As for her (peckaboo)...what's up with your behavior anyhow? Get a grip on yourself. What's going on in your head that makes you want to try strangling people with telephone cords and stuff?

You both are pretty young. Maybe you both need to go back home to your parents - see a therapist - maybe get yourself on some meds - and figure out where to go from there. The dynamic you've got going on now is just utterly destructive to both of you.