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Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by sampa, Aug 10, 2020.

  1. sampa

    sampa Veteran

    +355
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    Need some prayer. I've bugged my friends enough and they've given so much spiritual insight and wisdom and prayer, but more than a month later I'm not over a guy I was unofficial with and dated. The ending didnt bring closure either. He connected with a girl on a 2 week vacation 1,000 miles away. At least he text to let me know what happened instead of just fading away without an answer. I was in shock and always felt we were old friends from the moment we first talked. Although I unfollowed him on social media, he immediately has liked post on scripture or common interest and more comments than when we were dating.

    Anyways I'm not as strong as I thought I was (esp something that was 85 percent text throughout the day). There's a guy I have a date with in September that is flying out (strong well developed older Christian ) and I don't want to be stuck on comparing or thinking about the other guy. It's all black and white but my mind can't seem move on. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Thanks for letting me vent. With being older and inexperienced in relationships, I think it's just a lil harder.
     
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  2. dqhall

    dqhall Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,321
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Let go of him. He should not date two women at the same time.

    I had about 200 reactions for one of my Facebook posts about a Gospel subject. I do not think any of them wanted to date me. It was they liked the content of the post.

    You may need to pray for guidance. Try to find what God wants you to do.
     
  3. ReesePiece23

    ReesePiece23 The Peanut Buttery Member.

    +3,854
    Christian
    He's just a wasteman - swipe him left.

    Don't think too much about the next guy, just take him as you find him and absorb the moment. The past and the future doesn't exist.
     
  4. JustSomeBloke

    JustSomeBloke Wo-choo-lookin-at?

    501
    +540
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Single
    Are these your own posts he's liking? Maybe he felt the need to be honest, but was hoping to keep you as a backup or plan B in case things don't work out with the girl he's now pursuing. In that case he would try to cool things off with you, but also try and remain friendly so as not to burn any bridges.

    I don't know all the details, so I can't judge if that's a good explanation, but I'm sorry if that's what is happening. And I wasn't even sure whether to suggest it as an explanation, because trying to keep someone as a backup option is a slightly cruel thing to do, and I worry that floating it as an explanation may do more harm than good. However, I also think it's important to be honest, and realise that some people do like to keep their options open when dating, and so they may act in ways that appear not to make sense until you look at things differently.

    Again, I apologise if you find this upsetting, because it's definitely not my intention to upset you, and I hope and pray that you can find a happy, mutually beneficial relationship.

    I don't understand what this means. Does this mean he was texting you almost all day almost every day?
     
  5. sampa

    sampa Veteran

    +355
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    Yes, they are. The feeling I initially got was that he still cared for me and trying to wipe away his guilt.

    That's totally possible. But he gave me the option of breaking off communication and said he would understand. the women he dated briefly in the past did not keep open communication. He said he would welcome a friendship. And that friendship does involve communication. He was in agreement that friendship would not involve more than a hug.

    And that final text of confession he said he wasn't sure how things would work out with the girl because of the distance. Him having doubts already is not a good indication.

    I really don't think he's ready for a relationship. I don't think has not gotten over his 16-year marriage. He is not taking much time in the years since separation and divorce to be by himself. I remember him comparing me to his ex and even the ex girlfriend of 8 months before. Like negative comparisons of what they did and positive of what I do. I think he realized that our last state and became a little quiet and overwhelmed and was ready to end the date.

    yes, I guess it's a common thing with my generation. As my friends have said, he was " blowing up my phone everyday". Even important matters he didn't want to discuss by phone but by text. I did confront the situation and let him know that we couldn't text so much during work hours because it was taking away from work that needed to be done. also important matters were to be discussed by phone. I always had to ask him for when we could find the time to talk by phone.

    I don't ever want to spend that much time in the beginning being all hours of the day in each other's information. Sometimes it was so much that I didn't have time to process. And some days I was dragging and so tired, even though I would try 2 limited so I could get my rest. We had different hours for work.

    On a side note, I'm enjoying the current guy I'm talking to. He call if there's any miscommunication by email. He doesn't even wait to text he will just call and try to make the time. It also could be a different generation since he's 12 years older. well the guy that I'm trying to get over is 4 years younger. Age doesn't always make the difference but generationally it sometimes can.

    Right before the guy I'm trying to get out of my mind was to leave for his vacation, he just dropped out of the world completely it seemed like. Even his clients, he wasn't returning calls. It was very strange. One of my friends seems to think that he might have some mental issues.

    and no way have you upset me and I always appreciate your insight and your prayers. I'm pretty sure the right thing to do for my sanity probably would be to block him but I don't want to. It's not that he's saying anything bad, but his comment/intermittent interest makes it harder for me to close him out as a long-term prospect. I know we have a lot in common and I want to be friends but my gut tells me it will take a year for me to get to that place. I'm also probably the first girl he has dated that was on a cerebral level with him since he was used to jumping into something physical.
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2020
  6. sampa

    sampa Veteran

    +355
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    Thank you to those that have click the icon for praying but no comment. Your prayers are powerful. Please know that and thank you.
     
  7. JustSomeBloke

    JustSomeBloke Wo-choo-lookin-at?

    501
    +540
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Single
    He still cares, but not enough to make you his primary romantic interest.

    He asked for permission to stay in contact, and you gave a green light. If you still like him, and would consider some kind of a reconciliation in the future, then that's a form of power imbalance, because you are now subconsciously waiting on him. It's important not to self-sabotage in that way, although I realise that when you're emotionally invested it's easier said than done.

    Yeah, it doesn't look good. Occasionally I read about people who made long distance work, but it always involves a lot of commitment and effort.

    Talking about ex partners is one of the worst dating mistakes. If I met someone who did that it would be an instant turn off. I want to look forward as a potential couple, not backwards at him and someone else. And as you said, arguably it's a sign that he's not ready to move on.

    Texting is OK in the beginning, but it's a bit weird to prefer text to voice as a primary mode of communication after you've met. And asking for a time and permission to call is a bit controlling, isn't it?

    For anyone working full time, more than a few texts a day is too much and stops you doing your job. Better to catch up with a voice call some other mutually convenient time.

    Older people grew up with phones and no internet/email or text messages. In some respects what younger generations do now is a regression. Face to face is best, followed by phone. With text and email the context can get lost because you can't read their facial expressions or hear their voice.

    I agree. It's very odd, and not a good sign.

    Probably best to try and put him on the back burner, at least until you have met this other guy. Is it possible that he got cold feet because you wouldn't give him the physical stuff?
     
  8. sampa

    sampa Veteran

    +355
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    I agree and it is such a weird power imbalance. A friend I was running with today told me I should reach out to him and have final closure and ask what I need. I said no way. I don't want to open the door that allows something to happen when I'm vulnerable like this. I tell myself time and time again the reasons why there can never be reconciliation. Too many to count. And as I was telling my friend, he can make a good friend but at this point it's highly doubtful he's relationship material.

    By the way I was surprised that she had seen his last comment on my social media page. I was looking for recommendations for a good place in a big city. He's part of a private club there. And he mentioned the place to try, but it's above my price range. For some reason my friend said he sounded snooty and full of himself. She actually got to meet him on one of my dates. He seemed to be interested in knowing more about my friends and told me I could invite her before our date when I was going to change out of my running clothes. Maybe it was also an opportunity for him to show off one of his beach houses that he designed. It's interesting to get and outside perspective.

    Yeah, that's the other question I had and have been rolling around in my mind. for some reason he said that if things were to work out between us long-term that he would buy a matching BMW convertible. Before even asking if I like them.

    Onec conversation he said something about me having great teeth. I mentioned that I don't floss, And he said in a joking way that he would floss my teeth. I didn't think anything of it till later I found out that he brushes and flosses his dog's teeth. He's very particular and germophobic about his living quarters. It surprised me at first how affectionate he seems, but I guess romantic partners is a whole different thing.

    yeah that's highly possible. It may be one of his love languages and the way that he receives feedback about how the other person feels about him. And he did say after the third date, apologized, that sometimes he gets overwhelmed when things get real. I asked him if he wanted to take a break, just because he had to prepare for the trip and training an employee, but he didn't.
    Another friend said to me that he may have interpreted that as me already wanting to break things off. Which is kind of a confusing thought and I'm not sure if there is any weight in that.

    Thanks again for your insights I really appreciate it. So far not posting anything on social media has been kind of a relief and helping. He liked a photo I had posted a few days ago, of a flower, but it didn't bother me.

    This Saturday I'm going to go out to the lake or early in the morning and spend some time in the word. Hopefully it will give me fresh perspective and better connection with the Holy Spirit and my heart.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2020
  9. sampa

    sampa Veteran

    +355
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    An update and thank you for your prayers. Things have been going well since I have not been posting on a specific social media account. After doing a quiet time at a lake this morning, I have decided to possibly take a break or put on pause the guy on August 23rd. I don't think it would be damaging to a future friendship and could provide the space I need mentally. also an old mentor spoke quite a bit of Truth from the Holy Spirit about the situation and gave me some scripture. There is definite power in prayer and I thank each and everyone of you.

    On another note I have a second date in September. It's someone I was conversing with a few months ago when I let him go for the guy ended up dating. He also has a decent amount of information being a type of coach and in the process of writing a book. He will have at least five to six hours of driving. Prayers are appreciated, I will have incline training with a friend that morning. And the encouraging thing about this guy is that he said I'm one in a thousand, and he rarely gets an opportunity to meet someone like me. So that is kind of freeing to go into it with no expectations and possibly good fellowship. I'm praying that it is a growing experience for us both and that neither of us will be too invested in one date. Thanks.
     
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