I feel like I’m kind of in a stage of confusion, primarily due to my endless grave sins which I feel like I cannot overcome, plus I feel lost even in what I should believe in.
There’s a part of me - perhaps out of selfishness - that wants to remain Catholic due to the fact that I have access to both the Traditional Roman Rite and the Byzantine Rites, and to rationalize the whole mess of Rome. I love the monarchical structure and the history of the Papacy, and I love the spiritualities of such Saints like Saint Bernard, Saint Dominic, Saint Alphonsus Liguori, Saint John Bosco, Saint Pio -
However, at the end of the day, when it comes to the rationalizations I employ, I ultimately realize that I’m using the Orthodox Church as the standard lens of what is correct and what isn’t, contorting and twisting the ambiguities of the Roman Catholic Church into a model that isn’t actually what it is. What it is is a Church which teaches religious indifferentism and teaches animosity to the Ornaments and Tradition of Roman Catholicism, with such things like the USCCB saying that the Old Covenant is still valid, and Pope Francis saying proselytism and Uniatism is evil.
I ultimately feel like if Rome is not the source of Orthodoxy, what’s the point in professing Rome as a source of Orthodoxy?
What has been really hard to accept is pretty much the logical impossibility of figuring out where the Church is and what the Church believes in.
But I mean, I feel like not only have I sinned greatly, in terms of the Early Papacy, I’m still kind of lost with what appears to be the very clear Papal claims from at least the 5th century onwards - probably even earlier with Saint Julius’s claims of being an appellate source of Orthodoxy to the Arians.
Not that being Roman will solve the problem visa vi the 5th Ecumenical Council which excommunicates the Pope, or the Council of Constance which states that the Popes are subject to Ecumenical Councils, not to mention the fact that the Patristic Church Fathers refute the keys casuistry of Matthew 16:18 - especially Saint Augustine.
What even about the Council of Chalcedon and the non-Chalcedonians? I don’t see anything wrong with Chalcedon as far as I can tell other than reuniting the persons of certain people who allegedly wrote heterodox things, but maybe Pope Leo was a Nestorian who tried to show Christ was two persons.
I feel like finding the True Church logically is just impossible to figure out with some level of certainty, especially with my passions ruining my soul.
So I just need prayers that whatever happens, God can bring me to Salvation and put me in the right Church. I need prayers to be a better person than I am. I need prayers to find peace.
