Struggles... evil thoughts... voices in my head...
sometimes, I really do feel so tired. So tired.
At my weakest moment, the attacks are the greatest.
Yet, I do not want to go through everything all over, again.
On Saturday, a sermon really touched my heart and cut through my soul.
It is about faith to claim the promised land, the promised land refering to the harvest fields of lost souls to be reaped. The sermon touched me, into yet another response in my diary to God.
Mainly, my pastor talked about evangelising being effective only when God annoits you. And I realised... then that I was not annoited by God. My pastor talked about God being able to use broken vessels, but he can never used unclean vessels, and I realise that the reason God did not use me was because I was unclean.
I cannot deceive myself any longer. The evil spirits were still in my body, influencing my thoughts, my mind, even my mouth. They can still control my hands and my legs. They still hold some control over my life. They do not want to leave me. They speak to me, still, and is there, always there, looking for me to be vulnerable, waiting for a chance to make me fall.
You won't know how tired I am of all this. How overwhelming and guilty I feel for my struggle in all these. When the evil voices come in the form of suggestions, evil thoughts and sometimes evil images, and sometimes direct communication, I rejected them in the name of Jesus, but they came back again and again. When I was writing my diary, I always felt a force directing my hand, so I dropped down my pen and rebuke the evil spirits in Jesus's name... but oh, do you know how much it hurts me to know that I cannot even rely on my diary, on my hands?
I get upset, when everyone seems to hear the still small voice of God, but all I hear is the evil, mocking , blasmphemous voice that either came from me, or from the devil, never from God. Do you know how tired I am when the devil, with his voice in my head, pretends sometimes to be God and tells me what God's replies might be when I had a question, or a thought struck me. But I know it is not God, but it is him, because God will never invade my mind like this and cause me so much pain and mental injuries. I get so tired of hearing him. I hate them. I hate the demons. I hate them!!!!! Do you know how much I hate them!!?
But yesterday, as I write on my diary, I wrote following my inspirational feeling and wrote that God wants to use me, but before he does that, he wants to first clean me. He wants to get rid of the filth in me, those evil spirits still living in my body. I will have to wait and be patient as he clears my defiled temple from the evil spirits. I will have to wait for his timing to be completely free.
I want to be free! I really do. I do not want to be defeated by evil spirits that refuse to leave me. I want to serve God, I really do, one day, in full time ministry. But before that, I had to get rid of these evil spirits that refuse to live. It might take years before I am free, but I want to fight. Will you always continue to keep me in your prayer, helping me spiritually in this battle?
Pray that I will never give up, but will continue to fight on and on for the glory of God.
Pray that God will clear his temple--my body of those evil spirits that no longer have any rights to remain in me.
Pray that God will reveal to me his direction in my life.
Pray for my victories from every thoughts or deeds or deception that came from the enemies.
Pray that my heart will not give in to extreme hatred for my enemies, even though they deserved it for what they did.
Pray that God's spirit will work miracles within me.
Pray that I will be transformed and completely free.
Pray that in all that I do, God's direction will always be in me.
Pray that evil spirits will have no influences over me whenever I read the bible, pray to God, or have any form of encounter with God.
Pray that such persecutions by my enemies will serve only to bring me to my best, but will never lead to my downfall.
Indeed, pray for me, that in all that I do, I will see God's mercy, love and the victories he wants me to have. Pray for me, my fellow brothers and sisters, and I will also pray for myself. Help me overcome such difficult periods in my life.
I will not give up but will fight to the end, trusting in God's eventual victory over all the wicked things that defiled my body. If you are commited to pray for me in a regular basis, drops me a note so that I will know who are fighting together spiritually along side with me, in this tough journey of mine.
Jasmine
sometimes, I really do feel so tired. So tired.
At my weakest moment, the attacks are the greatest.
Yet, I do not want to go through everything all over, again.
On Saturday, a sermon really touched my heart and cut through my soul.
It is about faith to claim the promised land, the promised land refering to the harvest fields of lost souls to be reaped. The sermon touched me, into yet another response in my diary to God.
Mainly, my pastor talked about evangelising being effective only when God annoits you. And I realised... then that I was not annoited by God. My pastor talked about God being able to use broken vessels, but he can never used unclean vessels, and I realise that the reason God did not use me was because I was unclean.
I cannot deceive myself any longer. The evil spirits were still in my body, influencing my thoughts, my mind, even my mouth. They can still control my hands and my legs. They still hold some control over my life. They do not want to leave me. They speak to me, still, and is there, always there, looking for me to be vulnerable, waiting for a chance to make me fall.
You won't know how tired I am of all this. How overwhelming and guilty I feel for my struggle in all these. When the evil voices come in the form of suggestions, evil thoughts and sometimes evil images, and sometimes direct communication, I rejected them in the name of Jesus, but they came back again and again. When I was writing my diary, I always felt a force directing my hand, so I dropped down my pen and rebuke the evil spirits in Jesus's name... but oh, do you know how much it hurts me to know that I cannot even rely on my diary, on my hands?
I get upset, when everyone seems to hear the still small voice of God, but all I hear is the evil, mocking , blasmphemous voice that either came from me, or from the devil, never from God. Do you know how tired I am when the devil, with his voice in my head, pretends sometimes to be God and tells me what God's replies might be when I had a question, or a thought struck me. But I know it is not God, but it is him, because God will never invade my mind like this and cause me so much pain and mental injuries. I get so tired of hearing him. I hate them. I hate the demons. I hate them!!!!! Do you know how much I hate them!!?
But yesterday, as I write on my diary, I wrote following my inspirational feeling and wrote that God wants to use me, but before he does that, he wants to first clean me. He wants to get rid of the filth in me, those evil spirits still living in my body. I will have to wait and be patient as he clears my defiled temple from the evil spirits. I will have to wait for his timing to be completely free.
I want to be free! I really do. I do not want to be defeated by evil spirits that refuse to leave me. I want to serve God, I really do, one day, in full time ministry. But before that, I had to get rid of these evil spirits that refuse to live. It might take years before I am free, but I want to fight. Will you always continue to keep me in your prayer, helping me spiritually in this battle?
Pray that I will never give up, but will continue to fight on and on for the glory of God.
Pray that God will clear his temple--my body of those evil spirits that no longer have any rights to remain in me.
Pray that God will reveal to me his direction in my life.
Pray for my victories from every thoughts or deeds or deception that came from the enemies.
Pray that my heart will not give in to extreme hatred for my enemies, even though they deserved it for what they did.
Pray that God's spirit will work miracles within me.
Pray that I will be transformed and completely free.
Pray that in all that I do, God's direction will always be in me.
Pray that evil spirits will have no influences over me whenever I read the bible, pray to God, or have any form of encounter with God.
Pray that such persecutions by my enemies will serve only to bring me to my best, but will never lead to my downfall.
Indeed, pray for me, that in all that I do, I will see God's mercy, love and the victories he wants me to have. Pray for me, my fellow brothers and sisters, and I will also pray for myself. Help me overcome such difficult periods in my life.
I will not give up but will fight to the end, trusting in God's eventual victory over all the wicked things that defiled my body. If you are commited to pray for me in a regular basis, drops me a note so that I will know who are fighting together spiritually along side with me, in this tough journey of mine.
Jasmine
