Is it possible that she gets frustrated because she either does not transition well, or you do not give her adequate time to wrap up what she is involved with? Or could she be frustrated because she is overwhelmed by the tasks and doesn't have a good idea what to do?
For some people, a transition issue feels "unfair" and they respond to what they perceive as being disrespectful to their rights as a human being to insist that they drop everything NOW...and so, they act according to what they perceive, and DEMAND from you. If this is the case, a couple of things may help: One: Giving her a to-do list for the day that you have both done in advance...model this behaviour! In other words, tell her you are both making out your lists each morning, so you know what's on your plates...talk it out with her: I noticed the dining room chairs are looking dusty in the sunlight...time for me to dust them...and put it on your list. Now give her a respectful pause, and ask what she feels her top priority chose should be this morning. If she answers, put it down, and ask how long she thinks it will take, for planning purposes...and write that down. Ask also if she needs help to complete it (As in, can't run the washing machine to do her clothes). Move on to your next task, then hers...until the list is about 6 items long (borrowing this from Flylady's bingo game). Then tell her to number her items...you number yours...and then put the numbers one-six into a a bag, mix 'em up, and have her pick a number. Once she does, you set a timer for 10 minutes, and see if you can finish the task in that time...then pick another...repeat...until both are gone. Keep the tasks SIMPLE: Don't say "clean your room" say "pick up and sort all dirty laundry in your room and bathroom", "put all Barbies/Legos/Playmobil/ into bins" etc.
Which is how you break it down for them...most children simply do not have the executive ability to sort tasks, prioritize them, and implement them...they truly get overwhelmed and feel frustrated at being faced with a certified disaster that goes by the name of "My Bedroom" and it affects their self-esteem and makes them snappy. Oddly, the ones who tend more slightly towards perfectionism are the ones who see the mess, feel overwhelmed, and not know how to start.
Are you a parent who waits until the disaster reaches critical mass before you tell your daughter to clean in the hope that she will act on her own? Or are you a parent who can divide her tasks up to form a habit (which takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks, btw)? Meaning, once her room is clean, can you adopt Flylady's system of "zones" into a five day routine set for her? Meaning, can you establish some auto-pilot tasks such as "Wake up, turn back sheets to let them air, do bathroom/dressing routine, put PJs away or in laundry, make bed, down for breakfast" Then after breakfast "spend 15 minutes a day (by the timer) "deep cleaning" an area of her room...(one wall, say, per week) So, on Monday, if she's doing the wall that contains her bookshelves, she spends 15 minutes organizing the shelves and dusting them...then she's done. On Tuesday, more shelf organizing or dusting...if the toybox shares that wall...then on Wednesday, start organizing it...do you need to go to the dollar store for containers for Barbie clothes? Put it on your list and do it together. Help her develop her executive ability, and her realization that the more she puts things in their proper place, the easier it will be to clean up! Thursday: Finish that toy box, make a list of toys she's outgrown if need be...decide if they are to be stored for posterity or given away...have her go with you to make any donations. Friday: dust baseboards/window sills along that wall. Saturday: plan something fun with her.
Household chores can be broken down in similar ways to make things fun for young helpers...such as hiding 10 dimes in places in the dining room and telling her a thorough dusting will find them all..(watch so she gets the idea at first).
Another way to do things is to write on a white board a "Choose Your Own Adventure" chore list...in other words, list a bunch of things that NEED doing...lawn mowing, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming the living room, dusting, emptying trash cans, folding laundry, changing the towels in the bathroom, etc....and then EVERYBODY gets to choose one item at a time from the list until it's gone. Divide the number of chores by the number of people, and tell everyone they have to complete that number of chores. This has the obvious advantage that people will realize that if they procrastinate, only the really nasty chores will be left on the board, and they'd better hustle if they don't want to be stuck!! They also will see the entire picture of what needs doing, not just the bit they've been assigned, which trains them to be much better at communal living.
Verbal outbursts or tantrums can probably be better handled by asking "What just happened? What did you feel when I asked you to do _______________" Possible answers might be: "I was going to go ride my bike and now I am stuck cleaning my stupid room!!!" You can follow that with a number of options depending on what you want to happen, but they should start with "I understand you're upset that your plans feel like they are being changed, but a tantrum was not the best way to tell me that. Now that you HAVE explained, let me explain: It looks like it will be a super hot day...so, why don't you do your bike riding now, in the morning, while it's cool, then after lunch when it's too hot to play outside you can clean your room. Next time, you can ask me when I need things done by, instead of yelling." Another answer may be "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to ride your bike. Today is a busy day with errands all morning and a beach trip planned for the afternoon, so I really need you to take 1/2 hour now to clean your room so we have time for everything and can enjoy the beach later. Another time, ask me when the chores need to be done by, instead of having a tantrum." Just stay calm and cool and enforce the tell your feelings/what did that sound like/use your words...it takes a while but it DOES work. She'll soon unlearn the habit of defiance.
