inappropriate content addict and married...

[autocannon]

I was exposed to inappropriate content in the 4th grade. Since then I have perused it by whatever means I could. I'm 38. I grew up around computers. In the late 80's I used to play games on BBS's. For the uninitiated BBS's were an early form of what the internet is now. A person would run software on their home computer and host a Bulletin Board Software. Another person would dial in to that system via land lines and be able to access that computer software. There were games, rudimentary forums, but all of this is like calling a local number. It was all hosted by an individual. Back in the day, there were no cell phones. You had to use a land line to call someone. So my computer (via a modem) would call another computer and the two would connect. Then I had access to the BBS on that computer. I'd spend my time playing trade wars or other games but then I discovered the file sharing. Whatever was hosted on the computer I was connecting to I could access. Before I was in my teens, before the internet was a thing, I was downloading inappropriate content from my community via local land lines.

Let's stop...the means aren't important. The effect is...

"Run from sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body." -1Cor 6:18 CJB

I never understood this verse until after I got married.

I got married at 30. I was a virgin, however my mind had already been programmed since childhood...

Honestly, I just signed up to this forum. I am looking for help, but I'm also willing to tell my story. I'm screwed up but now I know what 1Cor 6:18 is about. In the age of the internet I know it is so easy to access inappropriate content. I need to do something to counsel boys, young men against it. inappropriate content physically changes your brain. It programs your "Ideal Woman" That ideal isn't true.

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...I will say, this is my own problem, not hers. I'm the broken one, not her. She is broken by this because she is my wife.

Run from sexual immorality! In our culture, we mature sexually sooner than we marry. This creates a sexual void that young men fill with inappropriate contentography. That inappropriate content has ample time to program the minds of young men. They are left with an unrealistic lie of what the "Ideal Woman" should be. Then they marry a real woman. Man, I'm broken.

What is the cure for a broken mind?

-Broken one.

 

[Jane_Doe]

What is the cure for a broken mind?

-Broken one.

The first step is realizing and admitting you're broken. You've done that which is great. It's a long road to recovery, but you have started the journey.

The next step is that you need Christ and His ways/healing in your life. Obviously this starts by getting on your knees and talking to God. But it doesn't end there. Besides regular prayer, attending church, and scripture reading, the following are great resources for you:
- Your problem is tragically common among men today. Find a support group (preferably Christian) in your area so you get a human support system going.
- Talk to your pastor/priest/minister about your issues and get set up with spiritual counsuling
- They have professional counselors to help people overcome this issue. They can be a great help. Seek one out.

You can NOT overcome this addiction alone. It is IMPOSSIBLE. You need your entire will & a human support system & Christ. They will help you on your journey.

As to your poor wife-- love her the best you can. Go out of your way to date, flatter her, and let her know that she is loved. Yes, sexual avenues are broken right now (which you're working on), but in the meantime keep singing your love other ways. inappropriate content addiction is EXTREMELY hard on the spouse as well, and she'll need lots of reminders of your love.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...I will say, this is my own problem, not hers. I'm the broken one, not her. She is broken by this because she is my wife.

Wow. That's a rough part to read right there. Maybe you could post this on the Prayer Wall, and ask that they pray for your sexual interest in your wife and your sexual relationship with her to be restored.

Just a thought.

But thank you for being open and honest. I don't have any advice atm (which is really strange for me), but I do know God can save and deliver from any problem, so I would simply say to just keep trusting and believing in Him. He will lead you through eventually.

In Christ,
Hidden

 

[SkyWriting]

I was exposed to inappropriate content in the 4th grade. Since then I have perused it by whatever means I could. I'm 38. I grew up around computers. In the late 80's I used to play games on BBS's. For the uninitiated BBS's were an early form of what the internet is now. A person would run software on their home computer and host a Bulletin Board Software. Another person would dial in to that system via land lines and be able to access that computer software. There were games, rudimentary forums, but all of this is like calling a local number. It was all hosted by an individual. Back in the day, there were no cell phones. You had to use a land line to call someone. So my computer (via a modem) would call another computer and the two would connect. Then I had access to the BBS on that computer. I'd spend my time playing trade wars or other games but then I discovered the file sharing. Whatever was hosted on the computer I was connecting to I could access. Before I was in my teens, before the internet was a thing, I was downloading inappropriate content from my community via local land lines.

Let's stop...the means aren't important. The effect is...

"Run from sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body." -1Cor 6:18 CJB

I never understood this verse until after I got married.

I got married at 30. I was a virgin, however my mind had already been programmed since childhood...

Honestly, I just signed up to this forum. I am looking for help, but I'm also willing to tell my story. I'm screwed up but now I know what 1Cor 6:18 is about. In the age of the internet I know it is so easy to access inappropriate content. I need to do something to counsel boys, young men against it. inappropriate content physically changes your brain. It programs your "Ideal Woman" That ideal isn't true.

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...I will say, this is my own problem, not hers. I'm the broken one, not her. She is broken by this because she is my wife.

Run from sexual immorality! In our culture, we mature sexually sooner than we marry. This creates a sexual void that young men fill with inappropriate contentography. That inappropriate content has ample time to program the minds of young men. They are left with an unrealistic lie of what the "Ideal Woman" should be. Then they marry a real woman. Man, I'm broken.

What is the cure for a broken mind?

-Broken one.

Work on her being your ideal.
You can train your mind to do
such things.

Start with holding hands and
work on physical touch to
retrain your mind. Touch
releases endorphins that
help you reprogram.

Actually, I need to work on that.

 

[JoeP222w]

I was exposed to inappropriate content in the 4th grade. Since then I have perused it by whatever means I could. I'm 38. I grew up around computers. In the late 80's I used to play games on BBS's. For the uninitiated BBS's were an early form of what the internet is now. A person would run software on their home computer and host a Bulletin Board Software. Another person would dial in to that system via land lines and be able to access that computer software. There were games, rudimentary forums, but all of this is like calling a local number. It was all hosted by an individual. Back in the day, there were no cell phones. You had to use a land line to call someone. So my computer (via a modem) would call another computer and the two would connect. Then I had access to the BBS on that computer. I'd spend my time playing trade wars or other games but then I discovered the file sharing. Whatever was hosted on the computer I was connecting to I could access. Before I was in my teens, before the internet was a thing, I was downloading inappropriate content from my community via local land lines.

Let's stop...the means aren't important. The effect is...

"Run from sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body." -1Cor 6:18 CJB

I never understood this verse until after I got married.

I got married at 30. I was a virgin, however my mind had already been programmed since childhood...

Honestly, I just signed up to this forum. I am looking for help, but I'm also willing to tell my story. I'm screwed up but now I know what 1Cor 6:18 is about. In the age of the internet I know it is so easy to access inappropriate content. I need to do something to counsel boys, young men against it. inappropriate content physically changes your brain. It programs your "Ideal Woman" That ideal isn't true.

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...I will say, this is my own problem, not hers. I'm the broken one, not her. She is broken by this because she is my wife.

Run from sexual immorality! In our culture, we mature sexually sooner than we marry. This creates a sexual void that young men fill with inappropriate contentography. That inappropriate content has ample time to program the minds of young men. They are left with an unrealistic lie of what the "Ideal Woman" should be. Then they marry a real woman. Man, I'm broken.

What is the cure for a broken mind?

-Broken one.

Recommend you get the audio CD, "Slaying the Dragon" by Todd Friel from Wretched.

 

[Living Soul]

The first step is to realize that this is a serious problem, and not to shy away from that realization. Computer addiction, especially inappropriate contentography is a major problem right now all over the globe. Admit that you don't just have a little problem....you have a big problem, and you really need to get serious about working on this.

The good news is, The Holy Spirit can cure you of this over time, but you're going to need to do some leg work.

The second step is to put down the computer. If your wife knows about your addiction, realize that every time you're sitting in front of that screen, you're stabbing her in the heart. (even if you're not viewing inappropriate content) If you use your computer for work, then make the decision of whether you might need to make a career change to save your relationship with your wife. If that's not possible, then move your computer to a public area in your home, where your screen is in clear view of everyone living there.

The third step is to spend more free time with your wife. Do everything with her. Replace your passion for being on that computer with doing things in the real world with your wife. If you need to play games, buy a game console and don't connect it to the internet. Play games with her.

If you're getting a common theme here, it's that you need to do more than just try to abstain from viewing inappropriate content on the internet. You need to refocus your entire life to something more useful and Holy, instead of feeding demons at your computer.

Other than that, the only other suggestions I can make is that you tell your wife, if you haven't already and soak in God's Word as much as possible. God is always there for those who seek Him, and He made your wife to be your helper. Please trust in that.

God bless you sir. And I will absolutely pray for your success tonight.

 

[DZoolander]

Your story is pretty interesting. I also grew up in the 80's and frequented BBS's.

I remember the inappropriate content sharing on those things at 300 and 1200 baud...lol It was interminable. You'd sit there for 5 minutes to see some bad grainy pic. Now, I admit I checked out a few pics because it was one of the few vehicles available to me at the time...but overall it was more annoying than enticing.

But I don't understand a few things.

Why were you still a virgin at 30? Why didn't you try to have sex sooner? When I was a kid viewing my occasional smut on BBS's (or wherever) I couldn't wait to rid myself of my accursed virginity. The soonest I could - I did.

What's up with waiting until you were 30? And furthermore...waiting until you're 30 and then marrying someone that you aren't attracted to? Did you really not know/realize that you weren't attracted to her until you finally got her undressed? Did you really not know that she wasn't your type? Is it something minor - like "Hey - I don't like your feet" - or were there some pretty big cautionary flags that you chose to ignore?

I really am curious about that!

 

[tall73]

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...

Is the "ideal woman" about behaviors or appearance?

When you say you cannot become aroused, I assume you mean physically. Some recent studies have shown this is a side effect of inappropriate content, and especially the over-abundant number of partners from internet inappropriate content. A relationship with a person, likely any person, is not as stimulating as a session of viewing various people in various situations in inappropriate content.

Have you already stopped using inappropriate content?

 

[tall73]

The first step is to realize that this is a serious problem, and not to shy away from that realization. Computer addiction, especially inappropriate contentography is a major problem right now all over the globe. Admit that you don't just have a little problem....you have a big problem, and you really need to get serious about working on this.

The good news is, The Holy Spirit can cure you of this over time, but you're going to need to do some leg work.

The second step is to put down the computer. If your wife knows about your addiction, realize that every time you're sitting in front of that screen, you're stabbing her in the heart. (even if you're not viewing inappropriate content) If you use your computer for work, then make the decision of whether you might need to make a career change to save your relationship with your wife. If that's not possible, then move your computer to a public area in your home, where your screen is in clear view of everyone living there.

The third step is to spend more free time with your wife. Do everything with her. Replace your passion for being on that computer with doing things in the real world with your wife. If you need to play games, buy a game console and don't connect it to the internet. Play games with her.

If you're getting a common theme here, it's that you need to do more than just try to abstain from viewing inappropriate content on the internet. You need to refocus your entire life to something more useful and Holy, instead of feeding demons at your computer.

Other than that, the only other suggestions I can make is that you tell your wife, if you haven't already and soak in God's Word as much as possible. God is always there for those who seek Him, and He made your wife to be your helper. Please trust in that.

God bless you sir. And I will absolutely pray for your success tonight.

This is sound advice.

 

[tall73]

From a spiritual perspective you need to focus, as the earlier poster indicated, on Christ.

Rom 8:3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
Rom 8:4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Rom 8:5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
Rom 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
Rom 8:7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Rom 8:8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
Rom 8:9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
Rom 8:10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
Rom 8:11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.


Getting away from all internet use can give you time to focus on other things such as Scriptures, prayer, spending time with your wife. It may also give you time to think about what inappropriate content has done to you spiritually. inappropriate content is looking after a woman to lust after her (or I suppose a man) and Christ called this adultery.

Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Certainly committing adultery from your early years on has spiritual effects. Ask the Lord to change your mind. You can remove the inappropriate content, but you cannot fix your mind. Staying away from inappropriate content can help with the physical re-wiring of the dopamine system, but you cannot erase the guilt, and the memories, etc. just through that.

God states he will transform our minds:

Rom 12:1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Rom 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.


Php 2:13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

The following video is not from a Christian perspective, but it does discuss at great length some of the positive effects of giving up inappropriate content, and some of the withdrawal symptoms. Most pertinent here, it notes that those who have been using inappropriate content from an earlier age will often take a good deal of time to overcome erectile dysfunction when with a partner. It may be helpful to watch it once through then perhaps watch it with your spouse. It can give some perspective to her. She may realize you are struggling, but may also think she is somehow at fault, especially if you have ever said to her what you said here. Expressing it as an ideal female is not the point. Your brain has been trained to be aroused by something that no one female can reproduce. Being attracted to various women in various settings, etc. is not the same as being with your wife. And if she heard the way you described it here she may think she is somehow lacking. Either way it would give her an idea of the problem biologically, and the way forward, as well as some timetable.

But to fully recover means to replace the things of the flesh, your sinful desires, with the things of the Spirit. It is not enough to quit inappropriate content. You have to also move on to fill your life with something worthwhile, and as a believer Christ is that something.

 

[RageOfAngels]

I'd say do a marriage course. They're great and can bring you closer together. On the course you find out what each of you likes and how to connect with them, and it all starts with (as has been said already) holding hands and just talking. But as hard as it may be, I'd say get 'rid' of your computer, replace it with another hobby... music, walking, anything to take those thoughts away. I know we need computers for modern life, but maybe only use it when your wife is in the room.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, to be fair, given a lot of the stuff I've seen on this board I think it's prudent to get a little bit more info before coming to the conclusion that inappropriate content IS the problem the guy is facing.

I've seen people on this board talk about how they thought relationships "built on the flesh were less than those built on the spirit" - and therefore completely ignored what they found attractive (and married like really obese people) - only to find that "hey, I'm not attracted to them". As if they hadn't seen that darn inappropriate content a while back - they'd find the morbidly obese person in front of them really hot. Then suddenly they're stuck in a place that really has no good resolution.

inappropriate content most likely is not healthy in a normal functioning relationship - but there's a ton of other stuff that could be going on here as well. I get the anti-inappropriate content bandwagon everyone wants to jump on - but meh - without more info I wouldn't want to give this guy the impression that "hey, if you give up inappropriate content and start taking counseling, suddenly you'll find yourself wanting to ravage your wife." That may or may not be the case.

 

[ll_retro.duck_ll]

I was exposed to inappropriate content in the 4th grade. Since then I have perused it by whatever means I could. I'm 38. I grew up around computers. In the late 80's I used to play games on BBS's. For the uninitiated BBS's were an early form of what the internet is now. A person would run software on their home computer and host a Bulletin Board Software. Another person would dial in to that system via land lines and be able to access that computer software. There were games, rudimentary forums, but all of this is like calling a local number. It was all hosted by an individual. Back in the day, there were no cell phones. You had to use a land line to call someone. So my computer (via a modem) would call another computer and the two would connect. Then I had access to the BBS on that computer. I'd spend my time playing trade wars or other games but then I discovered the file sharing. Whatever was hosted on the computer I was connecting to I could access. Before I was in my teens, before the internet was a thing, I was downloading inappropriate content from my community via local land lines.

Let's stop...the means aren't important. The effect is...

"Run from sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body." -1Cor 6:18 CJB

I never understood this verse until after I got married.

I got married at 30. I was a virgin, however my mind had already been programmed since childhood...

Honestly, I just signed up to this forum. I am looking for help, but I'm also willing to tell my story. I'm screwed up but now I know what 1Cor 6:18 is about. In the age of the internet I know it is so easy to access inappropriate content. I need to do something to counsel boys, young men against it. inappropriate content physically changes your brain. It programs your "Ideal Woman" That ideal isn't true.

I have not had sex with my wife in over a year because she does not fit my brain's "Ideal". I simply can't become aroused with her...I will say, this is my own problem, not hers. I'm the broken one, not her. She is broken by this because she is my wife.

Run from sexual immorality! In our culture, we mature sexually sooner than we marry. This creates a sexual void that young men fill with inappropriate contentography. That inappropriate content has ample time to program the minds of young men. They are left with an unrealistic lie of what the "Ideal Woman" should be. Then they marry a real woman. Man, I'm broken.

What is the cure for a broken mind?

-Broken one.

Been a few years now. What's the update?