Please pray for the childless men out there this Fathers day.

DaveHTexas

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Mind you, I am making a distinction here, I am talking about Childless, not Child Free. Childless as in men in a marriage, who have repeatedly exahusted efforts and resources to have a child either natrually with their wives, or via adoption. Child Free is someone who has made an active lifestyle choice to not have children for whatever reason they might, and they might be uncomfortable with the results of that choice now, it was a choice they made, and not a situation that was one way or another thrust upon them.

I am coming here asking for prayer, yes I admit a bit of a selfish motive as I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. So yes, I am asking for prayer, but I am also, well, crying out to God for help as I write this, so please be patient with me. This probably won't come off as the most macho message ever. I mean men are supposed to be all stoic and not show emotion right? (That is sarcasm there, sorry if it wasn't obvious...)

I'm now in my 50s, to my knowledge, my ex wife aborted a child during our marriage. (I didn't know it then, only learned of it post divorce), I do not know if the child was mine, or, well... I don't need to dwell on that. And she never told me, but rather several common friends told me after the divorce was over and we were both remarried so pointless at the time...

So as I alluded to, I was later blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife and God gave me a second chance at a family.

However, we experienced several miscarriages that took a huge toll on her, physically, spiritually, and psychologically, which in turn caused some extensive hosipitalization, and that killed our financial stability, so adoption has been pretty much impossible...

And to top it off, the year of our last miscarriage and the hospitalization just prior to COVID, we both lost our earthly fathers.

I have always been uncomfortable with the fathers day services at church because honestly after the pregnancy losses, it feels like a knife in the heart to me. I know my wife feels the same about mothers day... But I can usually trudge through and slap on a smile and get it over.

This year, not so much.

I don't want to go to church to hear about it, I don't want to go anywhere that I would risk someone wishing me a happy fathers day. I don't even want to turn on the TV news.

And the worst part is, there is nobody I can really talk to about this. My wife has her own struggle in this area, and her perspective is different from mine. Most of my friends have over the years grown distant, I mean they are raising kids and...

So I know women, they get a lot of outreach from the church, the ladies groups actually talk about it with the childless women. But not so much for men. We are back to the stoic thing...

Except I want to talk about it, to someone I can trust. That can actually understand what I am feeling. My... I don't know what to call it. Anger isn't the right word. But certainly disappointment, and guilt, and confusion about the whole thing. And the problem is that there are Men I know, and trust, but they lack the understanding of what I am going through. Honestly it seems the whole church lacks any understanding of chlidless men, and women for that regard.

I don't know if it's stress from COVID, the financial issues the hospitalization and subsequent job loss caused, or what it is, but for me, and I am sure I am not alone in this, I am sure there are a good number of men that know they would have been great Dads, wanted to be, and yet, for some reason or another, God chose another route for us. I'm not necessarily angry at God about this, but I am definately not at peace with the situation.

And I don't need a day called out to remind me that I am not, and at my age likely will not ever be a dad to some kid. And I no longer have my own Dad to at least share the day with him in that direction.

I'm sorry if what I am writing is rambling and doesn't make sense. My thoughts on the issue are all over the place, and they don't really make sense to me.

So there, I laid it out, I have no idea what to say other than please pray for me, and however many other men like me that are out there.

For me, the only thing I can pray for is Lord please give me peace in my heart with however you want me to live my life, and arrange my family. Give me understanding, and patience that I so badly lack right now.
 

Jeffwhosoever

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I am here to talk to if you want. Reach out here in the post or by PM. Whichever you prefer. My wife miscarried our first conception it was REALLY HARD after having to go through a lot of screening and injections and such, but the Lord blessed us with a single son we had before my wife had cancer and chemo eliminated the ability to have more kids.

I don't know if you would be interested or consider such an idea, but many men are fathers by virtue of adoption. A good friend of mine has a wife who could not conceive and he and his wife adopted 5 children from Asia years ago and raised them.

There is also organizations where you can serve as a father role to single parent mothers who need a father figure in their lives like "Big Brother" or something like that if this desire is so strong and you need to fill that gap.

Recognize too you have brothers and sisters in the Lord, and you can be a father figure by teaching sunday school in church to children.

Last, we have indoor cats that my wife often calls me the "Dad" of though of course there is no biological relationship whatsoever.

Another option that just came to mind is through an organization like Boy Scouts or one of the new Christian Scout organizations. I served several years as Troop Chaplain and Assistant Scoutmaster and got a lot of fulfillment at helping boys learn life skills and I was one of the most in demand merit badge counselors and received the honor of joining Order of the Arrow because the Troop leadership felt I had helped so many boys get their Eagle Scouts by going above/beyond like meeting kids at their homes. I was in a very well lead group of mostly ex-military men who also served a local Methodist church in various roles, so we never had any pedophile problems in our Troop at least that I know about, and we were exceptional rigid about no one on one contact ever no matter what to ensure we did not put anyone into a situation that could even be remotely viewed as possibly offensive. You have to be selective in who you join, but serving in such a volunteer organization is yet another way you can seek fulfillment in a father type role. In our troop, women also helped, and my wife attended Troop meetings with us and one of the mothers went to summer camps with us too and was considered an adult leader and I've heard of lady assistant scoutmasters too.

I will pray that you are not so lonely and feel depressed today and if you need to reach out to me 1:1 just PM me and we can talk further, and I will help you further explore anything I've mentioned above if anything strikes your interest.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I pray you do not stress about tomorrow and hope some ideas appeal to you and we can follow up at your discretion whenever you are ready. I'll be around so reaching me is no problem.

Assistant Chaplain Jeff
 
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LoricaLady

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I am sorry for the anguish you have experienced. I have never thought about how childless men can suffer, especially on Father’s Day.

I just had an off-the-wall thought. There is an organization called Compassion international. If you sponsor a child, with any gender and from any country you wish, for under $40 a month, then you can write to that child and build up a relationship.

Compassion international has a great reputation. They say that the children who are sponsored and make the most progress in life are the ones who have a sponsor to take an active interest in them through letters.

Just a thought.

I pray you will be given comfort and healing.
 
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Mayflower1

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One of the greatest things a father gives is time. I pray that people will come into your life where you can mentor and make a difference. I say that my earthly father isn't really in my life. But I have a lot of mentors who I consider father, as well as my Heavenly father. You can make a difference. Bless you.

Jesus believed that a relationship with our Heavenly Father was so important, He died for us on a cross, so we could have that... So it is so important to have that relationship with God and to have father figures. Be the father figure you desire. A father is not blood, but those that do the will of God and point others to Him.
 
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DaveHTexas

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I am sorry for the anguish you have experienced. I have never thought about how childless men can suffer, especially on Father’s Day.

I just had an off-the-wall thought. There is an organization called Compassion international. If you sponsor a child, with any gender and from any country you wish, for under $40 a month, then you can write to that child and build up a relationship.

Compassion international has a great reputation. They say that the children who are sponsored and make the most progress in life are the ones who have a sponsor to take an active interest in them through letters.

Just a thought.

I pray you will be given comfort and healing.

A lot of praying has been done overnight and funny thing is, you mention Compassion International. My wife is a native Texan. I.E. family from when Texas was in Mexico. Her family name is spanish. We are sponsoring a boy in southern Mexico that we found out had her maiden name. I am certain he doesn't know about her background. We write back and forth, he's 11 now I think. Awesome kid. So yeah that helps...

I am leery about youth organizations as a childless man. There are a LOT of disgusting, sexist assumptions about men around unrelated children.

On the prior suggestion, I might look into maybe volunteering with a scout troop that a friend that has his kids in.

Our church is honestly in a weird sitaution. At my old church that I went to with my ex, there was always room for volunteers with the kids, and it was pretty cool. Our current church is full of young marrieds with kids, and an unusually high amount of kids program volunteers. Even for VBS.

I am feeling better, a bit today, and some background on me. My parents divorced when I was just starting sixth grade, and my Mom took my brother and I, and moved across the country. I didn't really have lots of contact, or even a solid relationship with my own Dad honestly until, well after my ex wife and I divorced. We had been catching up on lost time, but it seems there is still that hole. Anyway again after lots of prayer. While praying a good number of the men that have been in my life. Mr. Whipple, yes, like the 1970s Charmin ad guy, was a customer of mine when I had a paper route. If I was throwing papers while he was doing work on his car in the driveway, he'd show me what he was doing, and explain how things worked.

A couple of years ago, we had neighbors that had a teenage foster son, who I would go and sit in the front yard on some folding chairs, and give him a friendly ear, and I taught him some basics of how to play the guitar.

Of myself, and my 2 brothers, only my middle brother managed to have a child, a girl, so no passing Dads name down. My oldest brother adopted, so the genetic line hasn't been passed on, but that is fine.

My wife and I want to adopt, but honestly, due to the financial issue, and the condition of our home (finances fell apart during a remodel). I am working on it, but at our age, by the time we finish squaring things up, we will be looking at maybe older kids...
 
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Jeffwhosoever

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Well done making the progress you have made! One step at a time. Consider the options and know that the world needs people like you to help young boys find the straight and true path for the Lord!
 
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DaveHTexas

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Well, at my age, I guess I could be a loan a grandpa... I'm good with that. Heck I'm good with being Uncle Dave as well... Although my neices and nephews for the most part are actually shockingly close to our age. At least the ones that live close to us...
 
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LoricaLady

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A lot of praying has been done overnight and funny thing is, you mention Compassion International. My wife is a native Texan. I.E. family from when Texas was in Mexico. Her family name is spanish. We are sponsoring a boy in southern Mexico that we found out had her maiden name. I am certain he doesn't know about her background. We write back and forth, he's 11 now I think. Awesome kid. So yeah that helps...

I am leery about youth organizations as a childless man. There are a LOT of disgusting, sexist assumptions about men around unrelated children.

On the prior suggestion, I might look into maybe volunteering with a scout troop that a friend that has his kids in.

Our church is honestly in a weird sitaution. At my old church that I went to with my ex, there was always room for volunteers with the kids, and it was pretty cool. Our current church is full of young marrieds with kids, and an unusually high amount of kids program volunteers. Even for VBS.

I am feeling better, a bit today, and some background on me. My parents divorced when I was just starting sixth grade, and my Mom took my brother and I, and moved across the country. I didn't really have lots of contact, or even a solid relationship with my own Dad honestly until, well after my ex wife and I divorced. We had been catching up on lost time, but it seems there is still that hole. Anyway again after lots of prayer. While praying a good number of the men that have been in my life. Mr. Whipple, yes, like the 1970s Charmin ad guy, was a customer of mine when I had a paper route. If I was throwing papers while he was doing work on his car in the driveway, he'd show me what he was doing, and explain how things worked.

A couple of years ago, we had neighbors that had a teenage foster son, who I would go and sit in the front yard on some folding chairs, and give him a friendly ear, and I taught him some basics of how to play the guitar.

Of myself, and my 2 brothers, only my middle brother managed to have a child, a girl, so no passing Dads name down. My oldest brother adopted, so the genetic line hasn't been passed on, but that is fine.

My wife and I want to adopt, but honestly, due to the financial issue, and the condition of our home (finances fell apart during a remodel). I am working on it, but at our age, by the time we finish squaring things up, we will be looking at maybe older kids...
You sound like an honorable sort. Call me paranoid but I don’t have a lot of trust in Boy Scouts. Such an organization seems to me to be likely to attract some unsavory characters.

Of course that’s not true all the time. But since some boys are going to go into Boy Scouts, how nice if they can get leaders who only want to be kind to them, Not exploit them.
 
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DaveHTexas

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You sound like an honorable sort. Call me paranoid but I don’t have a lot of trust in Boy Scouts. Such an organization seems to me to be likely to attract some unsavory characters.

Of course that’s not true all the time. But since some boys are going to go into Boy Scouts, how nice if they can get leaders who only want to be kind to them, Not exploit them.

I think a lot of it depends on the troop leadership. I was in scouts as a boy and it was a good program, but the troop I was in was a very Christ centered troop that was actively engaged with several local congregations.

And as far as abuse goes, there are abuses in the church as well, and not just in one particular denomination that gets a lot of press... There has got to be accountability for not just the boys in these programs, but also for the leaders.

I knew of a similar program the Assemblies of God were involved in way back when called the "Royal Rangers". I am only passingly familiar with them though.
 
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Jeffwhosoever

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Well, at my age, I guess I could be a loan a grandpa... I'm good with that. Heck I'm good with being Uncle Dave as well... Although my neices and nephews for the most part are actually shockingly close to our age. At least the ones that live close to us...

Your reply is a blessing to my heart! Glad you made it through yesterday and sound more encouraged than ever!
 
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