- Dec 23, 2016
- 160
- 456
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Libertarian
Mind you, I am making a distinction here, I am talking about Childless, not Child Free. Childless as in men in a marriage, who have repeatedly exahusted efforts and resources to have a child either natrually with their wives, or via adoption. Child Free is someone who has made an active lifestyle choice to not have children for whatever reason they might, and they might be uncomfortable with the results of that choice now, it was a choice they made, and not a situation that was one way or another thrust upon them.
I am coming here asking for prayer, yes I admit a bit of a selfish motive as I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. So yes, I am asking for prayer, but I am also, well, crying out to God for help as I write this, so please be patient with me. This probably won't come off as the most macho message ever. I mean men are supposed to be all stoic and not show emotion right? (That is sarcasm there, sorry if it wasn't obvious...)
I'm now in my 50s, to my knowledge, my ex wife aborted a child during our marriage. (I didn't know it then, only learned of it post divorce), I do not know if the child was mine, or, well... I don't need to dwell on that. And she never told me, but rather several common friends told me after the divorce was over and we were both remarried so pointless at the time...
So as I alluded to, I was later blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife and God gave me a second chance at a family.
However, we experienced several miscarriages that took a huge toll on her, physically, spiritually, and psychologically, which in turn caused some extensive hosipitalization, and that killed our financial stability, so adoption has been pretty much impossible...
And to top it off, the year of our last miscarriage and the hospitalization just prior to COVID, we both lost our earthly fathers.
I have always been uncomfortable with the fathers day services at church because honestly after the pregnancy losses, it feels like a knife in the heart to me. I know my wife feels the same about mothers day... But I can usually trudge through and slap on a smile and get it over.
This year, not so much.
I don't want to go to church to hear about it, I don't want to go anywhere that I would risk someone wishing me a happy fathers day. I don't even want to turn on the TV news.
And the worst part is, there is nobody I can really talk to about this. My wife has her own struggle in this area, and her perspective is different from mine. Most of my friends have over the years grown distant, I mean they are raising kids and...
So I know women, they get a lot of outreach from the church, the ladies groups actually talk about it with the childless women. But not so much for men. We are back to the stoic thing...
Except I want to talk about it, to someone I can trust. That can actually understand what I am feeling. My... I don't know what to call it. Anger isn't the right word. But certainly disappointment, and guilt, and confusion about the whole thing. And the problem is that there are Men I know, and trust, but they lack the understanding of what I am going through. Honestly it seems the whole church lacks any understanding of chlidless men, and women for that regard.
I don't know if it's stress from COVID, the financial issues the hospitalization and subsequent job loss caused, or what it is, but for me, and I am sure I am not alone in this, I am sure there are a good number of men that know they would have been great Dads, wanted to be, and yet, for some reason or another, God chose another route for us. I'm not necessarily angry at God about this, but I am definately not at peace with the situation.
And I don't need a day called out to remind me that I am not, and at my age likely will not ever be a dad to some kid. And I no longer have my own Dad to at least share the day with him in that direction.
I'm sorry if what I am writing is rambling and doesn't make sense. My thoughts on the issue are all over the place, and they don't really make sense to me.
So there, I laid it out, I have no idea what to say other than please pray for me, and however many other men like me that are out there.
For me, the only thing I can pray for is Lord please give me peace in my heart with however you want me to live my life, and arrange my family. Give me understanding, and patience that I so badly lack right now.
I am coming here asking for prayer, yes I admit a bit of a selfish motive as I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. So yes, I am asking for prayer, but I am also, well, crying out to God for help as I write this, so please be patient with me. This probably won't come off as the most macho message ever. I mean men are supposed to be all stoic and not show emotion right? (That is sarcasm there, sorry if it wasn't obvious...)
I'm now in my 50s, to my knowledge, my ex wife aborted a child during our marriage. (I didn't know it then, only learned of it post divorce), I do not know if the child was mine, or, well... I don't need to dwell on that. And she never told me, but rather several common friends told me after the divorce was over and we were both remarried so pointless at the time...
So as I alluded to, I was later blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife and God gave me a second chance at a family.
However, we experienced several miscarriages that took a huge toll on her, physically, spiritually, and psychologically, which in turn caused some extensive hosipitalization, and that killed our financial stability, so adoption has been pretty much impossible...
And to top it off, the year of our last miscarriage and the hospitalization just prior to COVID, we both lost our earthly fathers.
I have always been uncomfortable with the fathers day services at church because honestly after the pregnancy losses, it feels like a knife in the heart to me. I know my wife feels the same about mothers day... But I can usually trudge through and slap on a smile and get it over.
This year, not so much.
I don't want to go to church to hear about it, I don't want to go anywhere that I would risk someone wishing me a happy fathers day. I don't even want to turn on the TV news.
And the worst part is, there is nobody I can really talk to about this. My wife has her own struggle in this area, and her perspective is different from mine. Most of my friends have over the years grown distant, I mean they are raising kids and...
So I know women, they get a lot of outreach from the church, the ladies groups actually talk about it with the childless women. But not so much for men. We are back to the stoic thing...
Except I want to talk about it, to someone I can trust. That can actually understand what I am feeling. My... I don't know what to call it. Anger isn't the right word. But certainly disappointment, and guilt, and confusion about the whole thing. And the problem is that there are Men I know, and trust, but they lack the understanding of what I am going through. Honestly it seems the whole church lacks any understanding of chlidless men, and women for that regard.
I don't know if it's stress from COVID, the financial issues the hospitalization and subsequent job loss caused, or what it is, but for me, and I am sure I am not alone in this, I am sure there are a good number of men that know they would have been great Dads, wanted to be, and yet, for some reason or another, God chose another route for us. I'm not necessarily angry at God about this, but I am definately not at peace with the situation.
And I don't need a day called out to remind me that I am not, and at my age likely will not ever be a dad to some kid. And I no longer have my own Dad to at least share the day with him in that direction.
I'm sorry if what I am writing is rambling and doesn't make sense. My thoughts on the issue are all over the place, and they don't really make sense to me.
So there, I laid it out, I have no idea what to say other than please pray for me, and however many other men like me that are out there.
For me, the only thing I can pray for is Lord please give me peace in my heart with however you want me to live my life, and arrange my family. Give me understanding, and patience that I so badly lack right now.