Please pray for my daughter

[heal103]

I posted this originally in the prayer forum but it wasn't a right fit so maybe here. My daughter is in college and has been indoctrinated by her professors and the culture in general against Christianity. She is so influenced by social media and has become a completely different person. This is not the sweet, respectful, delightful and godly girl I raised .Now she is a rude, foul mouthed, disrespecful and ungodly girl (she's 20) She is home from school now due to the coronavirus and it's been hard living with her. I'm walking on eggshells. She is so rude and i told her to stop with the bad language because it offends me but she keeps cursing saying it's just words and i need to get over it. My main issue is I'm heartbroken that she has left her faith. Would you please pray that she finds her way back to the Lord? She has been really brainwashed again st the Bible (by twitter mostly) its so hard seeing her like this after raising her so sweet and to l9ve Jesus. Different person. So sad. Her name is Rebecca. Thank you.

 

[Dave L]

I posted this originally in the prayer forum but it wasn't a right fit so maybe here. My daughter is in college and has been indoctrinated by her professors and the culture in general against Christianity. She is so influenced by social media and has become a completely different person. This is not the sweet, respectful, delightful and godly girl I raised .Now she is a rude, foul mouthed, disrespecful and ungodly girl (she's 20) She is home from school now due to the coronavirus and it's been hard living with her. I'm walking on eggshells. She is so rude and i told her to stop with the bad language because it offends me but she keeps cursing saying it's just words and i need to get over it. My main issue is I'm heartbroken that she has left her faith. Would you please pray that she finds her way back to the Lord? She has been really brainwashed again st the Bible (by twitter mostly) its so hard seeing her like this after raising her so sweet and to l9ve Jesus. Different person. So sad. Her name is Rebecca. Thank you.

There comes a time you need to enforce the rules of the house and send them packing if they do not comply. Put God above your kids just as Abraham did with Isaac.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I posted this originally in the prayer forum but it wasn't a right fit so maybe here. My daughter is in college and has been indoctrinated by her professors and the culture in general against Christianity. She is so influenced by social media and has become a completely different person. This is not the sweet, respectful, delightful and godly girl I raised .Now she is a rude, foul mouthed, disrespecful and ungodly girl (she's 20) She is home from school now due to the coronavirus and it's been hard living with her. I'm walking on eggshells. She is so rude and i told her to stop with the bad language because it offends me but she keeps cursing saying it's just words and i need to get over it. My main issue is I'm heartbroken that she has left her faith. Would you please pray that she finds her way back to the Lord? She has been really brainwashed again st the Bible (by twitter mostly) its so hard seeing her like this after raising her so sweet and to l9ve Jesus. Different person. So sad. Her name is Rebecca. Thank you.

My heart goes out to you,
Dear Father restore Rebecca to her sweet former self. Reveal yourself to her, give her mum patient loving prayers for her lovely daughter and assure her that Rebecca is still loved by you.

Perhaps create a thread on the prayer wall so that lots of the prayer partners can also pray.
May the Lord bless you richly in Jesus precious name

 

[Josheb]

There comes a time you need to enforce the rules of the house and send them packing if they do not comply. Put God above your kids just as Abraham did with Isaac.

I mostly agree. However, the two concerns of enforcing the rules and putting God first are not mutually exclusive conditions and "send them packing" may well be in conflict with holding God sovereign.

Prayer was requested, not advice, so I'll keep this brief. It's good and appropriate to confront ungodly behavior but that should not occur at the expense of parenting the issue with the daughter. This will begin with a clear, definitive, and stalwart explaining of the goals, the boundaries, and the expectations, as well as the consequences for following and not following any and all agreed upon measures or standards. If the daughter refuses to live under the parents' rules then she is free to leave but in all likelihood that means the daughter won't finish her education and she'll return to the like-minded people from which the father is seeking protection.

So putting God first in this situation means wearing out his own knees and then putting some wear and tear on his ears, not just his mouth (or perhaps the wagging finger).

The daughter apparently wants to be heard, as evidenced by the acting out.

The Henry Cloud and John Townsend book, "Boundaries," and "Boundaries with Teens," are two good places to start. I recommend following that up with "Boundaries Face to Face," nothing is likely to change until both parents are able to be safe listeners and safe speakers because they are not likely to avoid hearing confrontational content from their daughters and it is hard as a parent not to react and coercively attempt to control the conversation. Listen first. Listen to understand. Separate solutions from understanding because the latter cannot be had without the former, remembering harsh words harden hearts but a gentle word turns away wrath. Works even on 20 year olds.



Lastly, a word of hope. I went wayward as a teen. Very, very wayward. Broke my folks' heart. Didn't know it at the time and upon understanding it the first impulse was to consider it fair recompense for their having first broken mine. At age 25 I became a Christian. Haven't looked back since and have spent my life since that day helping others. This might be the kind of journey awaiting your daughter. God won't abandon Rebecca.

 

[ReesePiece23]

It'll pass. Eventually, the superficiality and the banal humdrum surrounding these social media posts will have her craving something "better", deeper, more real. It's good that she even HAD a faith to begin with, because she'll know it's always there, and therefore, it'll remain closer to her than other better things.

It's virtually impossible as a mother to steer her back on because you're too close. It'll need to come from a wise old uncle or a sound pastor to inspire her, and to help her see that there's more to be had from life, and that 95% of the truly great stuff is free, and better - you just can't see it.

Kindness is the key from you I think. I used to have the most horrific temper when I was younger and my mother just replied with passivity and kindness. When the rage dissipates, the kindness would almost reduce me to tears.

Anger begets anger. So just do your best to keep it cool. If she's a bright girl, it won't be very long before she sees sense.

 

[GodsGrace101]

I posted this originally in the prayer forum but it wasn't a right fit so maybe here. My daughter is in college and has been indoctrinated by her professors and the culture in general against Christianity. She is so influenced by social media and has become a completely different person. This is not the sweet, respectful, delightful and godly girl I raised .Now she is a rude, foul mouthed, disrespecful and ungodly girl (she's 20) She is home from school now due to the coronavirus and it's been hard living with her. I'm walking on eggshells. She is so rude and i told her to stop with the bad language because it offends me but she keeps cursing saying it's just words and i need to get over it. My main issue is I'm heartbroken that she has left her faith. Would you please pray that she finds her way back to the Lord? She has been really brainwashed again st the Bible (by twitter mostly) its so hard seeing her like this after raising her so sweet and to l9ve Jesus. Different person. So sad. Her name is Rebecca. Thank you.

Rebecca is in my prayers....
She may change back to how she was eventually.
In the meantime,,,,I'd say she could move out if she doesn't agree with your household rules.

I've raised two kids myself.
There are some things that I just could not live with...
bad language and disrespect (if I deserve it) are two of them.

 

[PloverWing]

This is a tough time, during this pandemic sheltering, especially as our adult children come home from college and none of us can leave the house. We can't make them leave, and they can't make us leave. We're stuck with each other, a house full of adults with our own personalities and opinions and differences, and we have to figure out how to cope with it because otherwise everybody dies.

My two youngest children are home from college and are sheltering with us. (My oldest, who lives in another state, is sheltering with her in-laws.) Mostly, we have a good idea of the kinds of situations where we clash badly, and we're trying to stay away from those situations. If necessary, one can go off by oneself and read a book or take a walk for an hour.

I'll be thinking about you. I know it's not easy, for you or for your daughter. There will be a time to talk out your differences, but that time is not now. For now, keep as much physical and emotional distance as is possible while living in the same house. Deep down, the two of you really do care about each other's physical safety, even if you're not getting along right now.

 

[JAM2b]

It is your home and you should be respected in it. But as Christians we are called to be patient, compassionate, and slow to anger, slow to speak, quick to forgive. We should try to live in peace with others, without being a doormat.

The trick is balancing that. Jesus addresses wrong attitudes and behaviors in a very straightforward way, and He did not lower his standards. However, He also continually invited people to repent and be reconciled. Another thing is that He did not waste words when people didn't want to hear or would only use it for argument or manipulation. If people wanted to mistreat Him, He left. I understand it's your home and you can't and shouldn't leave, but you can choose what you are willing to tolerate in your own home.

I think you need to decide what you are willing to ignore and what you are not. Form a strong stance regarding the lines that you draw.

Kicking her out during Covid-19, in my opinion, would be cruel and more damaging than her behavior deserves. But refusing to engage with her while she is acting out, could be an appropriate option. You don't have to listen to her. You don't have to have conversations with her when she is using foul language or being disrespectful. You don't have to let her mistreat you. Walk away. Don't allow her to eat at the dinner table with you if she is saying bad things. Give her the option of behaving respectfully or not engaging with you.

Begin making plans for how to address this after Covid-19. You may need to get her to prepare to not stay with you long term, if she will not live with you in peace.

 

[heal103]

I mostly agree. However, the two concerns of enforcing the rules and putting God first are not mutually exclusive conditions and "send them packing" may well be in conflict with holding God sovereign.

Prayer was requested, not advice, so I'll keep this brief. It's good and appropriate to confront ungodly behavior but that should not occur at the expense of parenting the issue with the daughter. This will begin with a clear, definitive, and stalwart explaining of the goals, the boundaries, and the expectations, as well as the consequences for following and not following any and all agreed upon measures or standards. If the daughter refuses to live under the parents' rules then she is free to leave but in all likelihood that means the daughter won't finish her education and she'll return to the like-minded people from which the father is seeking protection.

So putting God first in this situation means wearing out his own knees and then putting some wear and tear on his ears, not just his mouth (or perhaps the wagging finger).

The daughter apparently wants to be heard, as evidenced by the acting out.

The Henry Cloud and John Townsend book, "Boundaries," and "Boundaries with Teens," are two good places to start. I recommend following thaat up with "Boundaries Face to Face," nothing is likely to change until both parents are able to be safe listeners and safe speakers because they are not likely to avoid hearing confrontational content from their daughters and it is hard as a parent not to react and coercively attempt to control the conversation. Listen first. Listen to understand. Separate solutions from understanding because the latter cannot be had without the former, remembering harsh words harden hearts but a gentle word turns away wrath. Works even on 20 year olds.



Lastly, a word of hope. I went wayward as a teen. Very, very wayward. Broke my folks' heart. Didn't know it at the time and upon understanding it the first impulse was to consider it fair recompense for their having first broken mine. At age 25 I became a Christian. Haven't looked back since and have spent my life since that day helping others. This might be the kind of journey awaiting your daughter. God won't abandon Rebecca.

I'll take all the advice i can get. My heart is so broken. She is so disrespectful and spiteful. It's shocking how much she has changed. Scary. Where did my good girl go??

 

[Josheb]

I'll take all the advice i can get. My heart is so broken. She is so disrespectful and spiteful. It's shocking how much she has changed. Scary. Where did my good girl go??

Let's start with the basics and keep it simple.

First what is your goal? What goal or goals do you have for yourself, your daughter, and that relationship? It's always best to start with the end in mind simply because if you don't know where you're going then you probably won't get there. So think about this and write it down.

Then give that/those goal(s) and your daughter to God in prayer. She was His long before she yours. He's in charge and you were steward over her only for a season and, joyfully, that season is coming to an end whereby she steps out on her own even if, sadly, she is not doing so as she was raised. All that goes at the foot of the cross in surrender to the Lordship of Christ. He is a better parent than either of us and a better friend, counselor, etc.

Third, consider where, who, and what you were at her age. Separate the part that is developmental and common to all young women of your daughter's age from the part that is tied to your individual personality because you are not your daughter and she is not you. If you can separate the developmental from the personality then perhaps the basis of some conversation will be kindled.

Because your daughter has something to say she should be provided the opportunity to say it. Maybe with you. Maybe she needs a pastor or professional counselor but since the "issue," whatever it may be, is tied in reaction to her religious/spiritual upbringing then her going to a pastor isn't likely but that might be a topic of prayer (see paragraph #2 above). Consider offering to pay for counseling (say, 8, 10, or 12 sessions). Start the prospective conversation first with yourself. There's something going on inside her that has prompted the rudely expressed change. Do you have the ability to listen to that formerly sweet little girl spew contempt without you reacting to control her?​

1) Google "active listening skills." Lern them and practice them.

2) REMEMBER: The first words out of an adolescent's mouth are usually inane! So.... don't react to them. Don't react to the first words out of her mouth. Keep her talking in spite of the fact she's rude and disrespectful. Start with simple responses like, "How come?" or "Tell me more about that," or maybe (this is riskier), "How'd you get there?" The goal being to a) give her an opportunity to express herself and thereby sort out her own pov, b) re-establish the maternal relationship with a young-adult daughter, and c) maybe, just maybe effect some positive change.

3) Be patient. Be tolerant. Practice Ephesians 4:29-30, Philippians 2:3, Romans 12:9-21. The more she talks the more likely one of two things will happen: a) she'll either come to the end of her reasoning and solve the problem(s) on her own or b) she'll ask for help. That's what you want, isn't it?

4) Breathe.

5) Trust God.

6) Think marathon, not sprint.​