Please help my son!

[Keroot]

Hello,

We are a family of four: us the couple, my 13-year old son and my wife's 16-year old sister. My sister-in-law is living with us in the city for almost two years now to finish her senior high school since there was no senior high in their rural area.

Everything is normal until last month. I accidentally caught my son masturbating in the shower - he didn't locked the door so I thought there was no one inside. I just let it pass and didn't confront him about it. We also didn't discuss about sex education with him up to now because we feel like we need to wait around when he's 16 or so.

These past two weeks, my sister-in-law rarely or doesn't sleep at night to finish answering her learning modules. She sleep around 8:00 in the morning before we go to work.

Yesterday, our office needs to be disinfected so I came home early at around 11:30 AM. When I arrived at home, I was shocked what I saw and can't explain the feelings.

My sister-in-law was sleeping in the couch while my son is abusing her. I saw in my own eyes that my son is putting his private part on my sister-in-law's lips (seems he's rubbing it) while touching her upper private parts. Because of disbelief, I feel like I'm frozen and was only able to mention his name.

When I call his name, he walks away and a second later my sis wakes-up. I feel like my sis saw my son's private part because of the time the moment she wakes up. Until now, I still didn't talk about it with my son.

I don't know what to do now... Who should I talked to first? What are the things that I need to tell them? What are the other things that I need to do?

Please, I really really need help regarding this matter. Please help me and my son.

Thanks in advance.

 

[tdidymas]

Hello,

We are a family of four: us the couple, my 13-year old son and my wife's 16-year old sister. My sister-in-law is living with us in the city for almost two years now to finish her senior high school since there was no senior high in their rural area.

Everything is normal until last month. I accidentally caught my son masturbating in the shower - he didn't locked the door so I thought there was no one inside. I just let it pass and didn't confront him about it. We also didn't discuss about sex education with him up to now because we feel like we need to wait around when he's 16 or so.

These past two weeks, my sister-in-law rarely or doesn't sleep at night to finish answering her learning modules. She sleep around 8:00 in the morning before we go to work.

Yesterday, our office needs to be disinfected so I came home early at around 11:30 AM. When I arrived at home, I was shocked what I saw and can't explain the feelings.

My sister-in-law was sleeping in the couch while my son is abusing her. I saw in my own eyes that my son is putting his private part on my sister-in-law's lips (seems he's rubbing it) while touching her upper private parts. Because of disbelief, I feel like I'm frozen and was only able to mention his name.

When I call his name, he walks away and a second later my sis wakes-up. I feel like my sis saw my son's private part because of the time the moment she wakes up. Until now, I still didn't talk about it with my son.

I don't know what to do now... Who should I talked to first? What are the things that I need to tell them? What are the other things that I need to do?

Please, I really really need help regarding this matter. Please help me and my son.

Thanks in advance.

Do you have daily dinners with the whole family? I strongly advise you to somehow (lovingly) get him to read a chapter of Proverbs each time after dinner. Make it appear to him that he's learning how to be an authority figure in the family by doing that (appealing to his pride may help him to accept the role). Reading the word of God can do wonders for restoring a person's spiritual and mental health. (After Proverbs, then the gospels, then the epistles).
TD

 

[disciple Clint]

Hello,

We are a family of four: us the couple, my 13-year old son and my wife's 16-year old sister. My sister-in-law is living with us in the city for almost two years now to finish her senior high school since there was no senior high in their rural area.

Everything is normal until last month. I accidentally caught my son masturbating in the shower - he didn't locked the door so I thought there was no one inside. I just let it pass and didn't confront him about it. We also didn't discuss about sex education with him up to now because we feel like we need to wait around when he's 16 or so.

These past two weeks, my sister-in-law rarely or doesn't sleep at night to finish answering her learning modules. She sleep around 8:00 in the morning before we go to work.

Yesterday, our office needs to be disinfected so I came home early at around 11:30 AM. When I arrived at home, I was shocked what I saw and can't explain the feelings.

My sister-in-law was sleeping in the couch while my son is abusing her. I saw in my own eyes that my son is putting his private part on my sister-in-law's lips (seems he's rubbing it) while touching her upper private parts. Because of disbelief, I feel like I'm frozen and was only able to mention his name.

When I call his name, he walks away and a second later my sis wakes-up. I feel like my sis saw my son's private part because of the time the moment she wakes up. Until now, I still didn't talk about it with my son.

I don't know what to do now... Who should I talked to first? What are the things that I need to tell them? What are the other things that I need to do?

Please, I really really need help regarding this matter. Please help me and my son.

Thanks in advance.

Well Dad, it looks like it is time to have "the talk" with your son, late is better than never. Kids learn about sex early and often from inappropriate contentography online, which devalues God's children as simply sex objects and reduces sex to a means to self gratification. Now you must explain what God intended sex to be and how we must respect His creations and the life He has given us. You should talk to your wife and have her talk to her sister as well. If you are not comfortable with this or need help with moral theology you should ask your pastor. Hope this helps. Teach your son to be the man that God created him to be.

 

[Keroot]

Do you have daily dinners with the whole family?

We do breakfast and dinners together.

Well Dad, it looks like it is time to have "the talk" with your son, late is better than never. Kids learn about sex early and often from inappropriate contentography online, which devalues God's children as simply sex objects and reduces sex to a means to self gratification. Now you must explain what God intended sex to be and how we must respect His creations and the life He has given us. You should talk to your wife and have her talk to her sister as well. If you are not comfortable with this or need help with moral theology you should ask your pastor. Hope this helps. Teach your son to be the man that God created him to be.

That's my plan - to talk to him probably the next two days. I'm trying now to make it seems that everything is still normal.

Would it be fine if I'll talk about him the legal consequences of what he's doing?

 

[tturt]

Now you and your wife need to go beyond the talk.. Stuff going on To what extent ?

You're so overwhelmed. I hate to say it but she needs a pregnancy test. Haven't kept up with the technology. I'm all for education but she needs to go back home. There are other avenues available. You need to be sure before she leaves.

Praying for you and your family.

 

[Keroot]

@tturt I think I need to talk to her first to confirm and get the details before talking to my son? Will it be the right thing to do?

She has her period last month.

I really can't think straight atm. It's on my mind even when I tried to sleep. I can only sleep for few minutes and wakes up still thinking about it. Really don't know what's the first step to make

 

[tturt]

Are you assuming she'll tell you the truth? I wouldn't talk with her alone.

You can't expect them to stop even if they say they will.

 

[Keroot]

I'm hopeful

My plan is to talk to her first. Then my son. Then all of us together. If there's a much better way, I would gladly appreciate it.

 

[NerdGirl]

I would highly recommend that the sister finds a new place to live ASAP, and that she and your son are kept apart until then. You said she was sleeping on the couch? If she doesn't have her own bedroom, she needs to start sleeping in your room on the floor, or somewhere else where your son doesn't have access to her.

I would also strongly urge you to seek counseling for your son. It's one thing for a 13 year old boy to touch in private, but he was violating someone. He may not have realized the gravity of what he was doing, but that doesn't change it. And if he's made the conscious choice to physically violate one person, it raises the likelihood that he will do it again. Pray that this was a one-time situation, and that you can nip it in the bud with some swift action to drive home the seriousness of what he did.

I don't think there's any need to freak out about the girl possibly being pregnant. There's nothing in your OP that suggests they're having sex at all. If they were having consensual contact, he wouldn't be sneaking up to her while she's asleep.

I would not get the law involved. As upsetting as this is, he's still just a 13 year old boy. And per the OP, there's no history of such behavior outside of this one incident. Is it inappropriate? Absolutely, and it must be addressed and dealt with at once. Is it criminal? I don't believe so.

Be open and honest with your son. He knows you saw him, it's not a secret. Yes, you should have had "the talk" long before now, but the past can't be amended. Be ready for a long conversation. Gather some parenting materials if you aren't sure how to begin or what to say. Ask him if he has questions, and be ready and willing to answer anything that comes out of his mouth, without making him feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or ashamed. Remind him that God created him as he is, and the feelings and urges he's experiencing are normal, but that God expects young people to learn to control their decisions and choices with their bodies. And that it's never, ever, EVER okay to take advantage of another person sexually.

 

[NerdGirl]

Another thought that just came to me: the manner in which he was touching this girl indicates that he's been exposed to adult material. Do not let him have unmonitored access to any technology; computer, phone, tablet. Remove them immediately, and install content monitoring software before allowing him to have them back. You're going to have to watch everything he does from now on, for the forseeable future. Satan loves to entrap young men. If you want to keep your son on a healthy and godly path, you're going to have to fight back. Your son's privacy must take second place to ensuring he isn't falling into inappropriate contentography or sexual conversations or other inappropriate behaviors online.

Be thankful if this was a one-time slip up for him. If he continues this behavior with other underage girls, you would have to report it to the authorities.

 

[tturt]

What if it was not being forced on her and it had been their "play" previously?

 

[NerdGirl]

What if it was not being forced on her and it had been their "play" previously?

That seems incredibly unlikely.

 

[Keroot]

Thanks a lot @NerdGirl123 I'll do what you've suggested.

@tturt It think not because he's doing it while she's asleep.

 

[tturt]

Maybe she responded previously

What I keep saying is - what you saw was probably not the first time.

And the intent seems to be get her story and use that as the truth to address him.

At least dont give her info nor lead her

 

[NerdGirl]

Maybe she responded previously

What I keep saying is - what you saw was probably not the first time.

And the intent seems to be get her story and use that as the truth to address him.

You have NO basis for this claim. You're smearing both of these children when you know nothing beyond what you read in an internet post. Tread carefully.

I think we'd all agree that this needs to be addressed immediately and with grave seriousness.

 

[tturt]

Not smearing either one in my opinion.

It is very serious and this dad is understandably upset. His perspective of his son is extremely challenged. How he and his wife respond to his son will last a lifetime. Their whole lives may be as before this and after. His son is being viewed as an abuser - and could be. I am not for any female - nor male for that matter - being abused. But there may be facts that would alter perspectives some. The SIL will realize more than the 13 yr old when discussions begin and will probably influence her responses. She may also pick up in the tone or questioning info that will impact her answers.

What is wrong with considering that this wasn't their first close togetherness?

Read years ago some kids want to experiment. Some will do some acts but not others because they don't want to get pregnant. What if that's what they had agreed beforehand?

 

[tdidymas]

We do breakfast and dinners together.


That's my plan - to talk to him probably the next two days. I'm trying now to make it seems that everything is still normal.

Would it be fine if I'll talk about him the legal consequences of what he's doing?

It begs a lot of questions. What was your sister-in-law's reaction? Does she know, and does she know you know? Does your son know you know? etc. (these are rhetorical questions, no answer expected). If he only knows you came in the door, but maybe not that you actually saw what he was doing, then he might not know that you know what he was doing. If everyone already knows, then there is no danger of psychological repercussions if/when it all comes out in the open. If there are legal issues, then I think your son would certainly need to know. It is obvious he knew it was immoral, since when you came in he immediately abandoned the action. But, you might still want to approach it cautiously because of the psychological issues that may come up. If you approach him aggressively, he might go into denial. I pray that God gives you wisdom to handle this situation.
TD

 

[NerdGirl]

What is wrong with considering that this wasn't their first close togetherness?

You aren't just "considering". You said it "probably" wasn't their first encounter. You go so far as to suggest they've been having sex and the girl might be pregnant. What kind of outrageous leap is that to make? You don't know these people, you don't know these kids, you know nothing but what you read in the OP. Stop flinging around wild assumptions and probably scaring this poor father to death. Honestly. Let him at least address THIS incident with his family first.

 

[tturt]

just different perspectives.

Since the dad knows her cycle perhaps he had already considered the possibility

Just heart breaking

 

[disciple Clint]

We do breakfast and dinners together.


That's my plan - to talk to him probably the next two days. I'm trying now to make it seems that everything is still normal.

Would it be fine if I'll talk about him the legal consequences of what he's doing?

That depends do you want your son to do the right things in life because he knows they are the right things or because he is afraid he will get into trouble? Which of those options is likely to make him the man you want him to be?