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Please bear with me here--- new member and OCD concerns!

Discussion in 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' started by Fluffpuffgerbil, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    WARNING…. this is REALLY…REALLY…long. I hope it's not too long, but please bear with me or skip to the TL;DR at the bottom!!

    Hi everyone, I'm new to posting on this forum, but I'm not new to lurking on it, seeing as I'm on page 52 of the OCD section of Christian Forums!
    I wrote something previously(and something after this since I wasn't pleased with this one either....), but I didn't feel it was right/good enough/perfect, so I'm rewriting it… already I don't feel it's very well written but that's just me being the perfectionist I am.
    Anyway, I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD-- officially as in, by a doctor, but once Dad gets a job and we have good insurance, my mom's going to get everyone doctor appts. and I might bring up OCD if I don't chicken out…. I think I've had OCD tendencies since I was younger-- at least with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. When I was really young, I'd often go and check at least the front door and the garage door after my parents went to bed to make sure that everything was locked/shut. I don't do that now since I'm terrified I'll find a rapist/murderer/thief wandering around the house-- which brings me to say that I'm also scared every night that every loud noise(from my rat's cage usually) is someone breaking into my room from my window to assault me somehow. It's not fun. I don't worry about it until I turn off the lights to go to sleep. I usually sleep flat on my stomach, pressed into the side of the bed against the wall because I feel safer like that. Lately I feel if I try to sleep lying on my back, not buried by my covers, that I'm too exposed.
    Another big thing with me is that I wash my hands obsessively. I wash them often, and not just scrubbing with soap once for 30 seconds and rinsing. No, but scrubbing for, I dunno, 20 or more seconds 3-5 times. So that's 3-5 times I'm pumping soap and scrubbing it all over my hands(rinsing my hands off between each pump though). I do that maybe more than a normal person would considering I have 10 pet reptiles, two rats, cats and a dog. I also use my hand sanatiser after touching my animals… then I'll go wash my hands 3-5 times.
    But I will have violent intrusive thoughts that make me shocked I'd think that… an example: One day I was in the passenger's side of the car on the way home from Petco and I had my bearded dragon with me on my lap and the car window was down about half way when I had the thought of throwing my dragon(who's like, one of my best friends) out the window. I was terrified at the thought and sort of just clutched him tighter and scooted away from the window a bit. I've also looked straight at one of my geckos and thought: I don't care about anything that happens to you.
    I felt extremely guilty! Especially since she turned and ran away-- I thought she was able to read my mind or something and got scared! I felt terrible and told her out loud: I didn't mean that!!!
    I've often had thoughts like that-- violently hurting or killing one of my pets. And I don't want to hurt them, but the thoughts just come.
    Now onto the religious stuff(that sounds like I don't care, but I do!!)-- I pray a lot! I /have/ to pray everynight before bed or I feel like I won't be able to sleep. I'm also trying to make it a habit again to read my bible every night. At least once chapter, and I've started with Psalms since that's one of my favourites(I've read it before. =3 ) and I think I'll read Proverbs and Isaiah next since I want to read those. (I've read Proverbs, but not Isaiaha). However, whenever I pray, my mind often wanders to something else. So I have to stop, get my mind back on track, and try again. Usually I don't pray out loud, but in my head. So it's really irritating when my mind wanders. I'll also have rather blasphemous thoughts which don't make me happy since I HATE thinking things like that against God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. I go to Church regularly, also. But sometimes I'll just be minding my own business and BOOM-- blasphemous thought! It really bugs me. ><

    I'm 15 and a half and my mom keeps reminding me I need read my driving manual to learn how to drive. I was ALL FOR IT! Until recently. Recently, whenever I'm in the car, I'm scared that whoever's driving(my sister, mom, or dad) won't break for a light or a turn quick enough or crash, or someone will hit us, or we'll hit a person. Just a couple hours ago when my sister was driving, I started doubting she was driving on the correct side of the road and any second a car was going to come around the corner and SMASH right into us.
    Usually if I'm feeling anxious(I'm starting to feel a bit of anxiety just writing this…) I'll start picking at and scraping the sides of my fingers or I'll start chewing on the skin on the side of my thumb or fingertips. Aside from also tapping my fingers on my desk, clicking a pen or mechanical pencil, I've also picked up this habit to soothe my stress or anxiety where I'll tap my finger(s) in a triangle motion while I count 1,2,3,4 and try to imagine the tips of the triangle lighting up in turn as I say each number. Each time I say 4, the 4's on a different tip of the triangle too, so I focus on where the 4's gonna be whenever I do that. I only do that when I'm seriously stressed or anxious-- like when this guy at the movie theatre was chomping on his popcorn like nobody's business! I thought I was going to die because of how annoying that was. Which brings me to the fact I'm very sensitive to sounds such as chewing,slurping, crunching, gulping, lip smaking, and most other noises you can make with your mouth when you eat. They drive. me. up. the. WALL. I want to seriously hurt something when I hear those noises! Usually I just go grab my mp3 player and earbuds and listen to music to distract myself from it. I especially hate it when people crunch things they just popped into their mouth and they haven't shut their lips yet. UGh I can't talk about this anymore because it's making me annoyed just thinking about it.
    On to more OCD like things-- ((hah, I just noticed some of my drawers in my dresser weren't pushed in all the way, so I had to take care of that…)) if some things aren't exactly straight(like lining up the bathroom rug so it's alined with the tile lines) I HAVE to fix them or it will be on my mind forever. I'll feel the need to move books or papers so they're parallel with the edge of the table they're on.
    One time in Spanish class at school, we were about to take a test, and the girl in front of me had her desk slightly crooked. Very slightly so it wasn't EXACTLY against the back of mine. I was really distracted by it and luckily for me, only a few minutes into the test, she got up to grab something and I was able to fix it..
    Since November, I thought I had a crush on this one boy at school, but I kept doubting I actually did, and that war went on up until not too long ago actually when my friend told me(by coincidence, her boyfriend is the boy I liked's best friend. xD) in a random conversation that he had a girlfriend. I didn't care and let it go. I don't dwell on things like that, especially since I had been doubting I liked him to begin with. I never told anyone except my older sister about that crush even though my best friend suspected it, I told her I didn't like him. It's because I have trust issues though.

    One of my more recent obsessive thought is that(even though I'm 15…) that one day I'll get breast cancer because I wore my bra too much. I never wear regular bras because I hate them and have the idea that wearing a normal bra with too much support can increase your risk of breast cancer… so I only wear sports bras during the day, I don't wear them at night. And doing this I feel like will decrease my chances of ever getting breast cancer. I feel like it's a sort of silly obsession, but I can't shake the idea. I'm terrified of catching some deadly disease though and that's probably why I'm germaphobic also.

    I am an EXTREME perfectionist, but mainly with my art. Or while writing something like this… if it's not good enough, I'll redo it. I don't usually redo my art though. I'll just notice it looks terrible(while others say it looks amazing, I hate it) and well, hate it. I'll down the picture for looking awful and then call myself a terrible artist.

    I'm not a neat freak, or obsessed with cleaning things, but I know that besides being a germaphobe(and doubting a ton of things) I do get randomly stressed about messes and NEED to clean them up. I'll pick up little pieces of trash I see lying around because it bugs me leaving them there….
    I think this is the last thing, but one major thing I have troubles with is decision making. I have such trouble making minor decisions, or big decisions! The other day my older sis and her friend were doing henna tattoos and I sort of wanted one of this certain anime character's face. Now it was an extremely simple design, so that was no problem, and they were asking me where I wanted it. Then I started getting really stressed and irritated because I couldn't figure out where I wanted it, so I gave up and just didn't have one done. There's many, many other times I've had troubles making decisions, that was just a recent one.

    Heck, part of my mind is now thinking: No, no, stupid, you're not OCD, this is all just some random obsession/thing you made up and now you can't stop thinking about it and think that ALL these little random quirks are normal. It's not OCD, you just THINK it is.
    So really, I'm doubting that it is, but then I've read this is the 'doubting disease' and I've looked up symptoms for OCD often and I relate to many of them.

    TL;DR(which I'm surprised that you read this whole thing anyway): I have a lot of OCD symptoms, but I keep doubting I had it and since my dad doesn't have a job and we don't have insurance, we can't go to a doctor!!

    P.S. I only brought this up to my mom once, that I think I had OCD and she told me her brother's got it and she herself shows very mild OCD symptoms(mainly with being obsessed with things cleaning and she told me once she felt the need to have cans turned a certain way in the pantry or something bad will happen… or something like that. xD)

    (Okay, I started to write this for the third or fourth time, not being pleased with it, but it's sounding like this one…)

    So I guess what I'm really asking is-- does this sound like OCD so I can stop obsessing about whether it is or not even though I've read the symptoms for it over and over, read TONS of threads about it(most on here, but some other places also) and even taken quizzes to see if I was OCD or not!?!
    I guess you could say I'm obsessed with OCD and whether I have it or not. (I really do want to talk to a doctor about it, I just can't right now)
     
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  2. gracealone

    gracealone Regular Member

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    Well.. Fluffy puffy gerbil :)... no worries.. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and admired your courage in opening up as well as your perseverance in having to do it over and still sticking with it.
    Although I'm not a doctor and cannot diagnose you I'd say that you have pretty classic symptoms of OCD and that yes you should definitely bring this up with a Dr. when you get a chance and be as transparent with him/her as you've been here. Don't be vague or minimize your misery because that will make it hard for the Dr. to help you.
    Now as to your obsessing that this might not be OCD, this too is a common obsession with most of us who have it. "What if this really isn't OCD and it's just me thinking these things because I'm a horrible person... what will that mean about me?" Scary notion. I had to actually make the discovery that I had OCD on my own. I had been diagnosed with Panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder in the past but no one ever said a thing to me about OCD. Which is mainly due to my not ever opening up about the "crazy thoughts" in my head. My harming thoughts were about my children when they were infants. Torture!!! Also the kind of OCD I have is referred to as "pure O" which means that I don't have outwardly observable compulsions. My compulsions are mental and come in the form of constant rumination.
    Anyhow... welcome to the forum. I trust you will find kindred hearts here, encouragment and support. I certainly have, and I thank God for this place where we can pour out our hearts to one another.
    I'll be praying for you to get to a physician soon. Meanwhile best thing to practice is to ignore the disturbing thoughts when they pop up. If you attend to them or make much of them you'll be making them seem valid and when you do that they will become even more stuck in your head.
    Mitzi

     
  3. kodadog1024

    kodadog1024 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear about your animals and intrusive thoughts, but I want to let you know your not the only one. About 1.75 years ago when anxiety and depression really took off, I remember taking my dog into my office to brush him, so I could control where all the hair was going + he always wants to run away when I brush him, I had thoughts/urges to snap his neck and my stomach dropped live ten floors in an instant. I almost had to stop, and in fact, I think I did, because I thought I was turning into a maniac. It sucks, but with medicine, prayer, exercise and diet, you can tame this OCD. It does get better. :)
     
  4. amaui

    amaui Forever a Child of God

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    Ive have some of your experiences. And well im delivered for the most part. Pray and believe for your healing and it will come. I prayer probably like 50 times a day for 2 weeks with quick short prayers and just waited to be healed. I was soooo tired of ocd haunting me. And God delivered me very quickly! Its was amazing. Do you have faith in God? Do you trust Him to heal you? Just pray about it often. You dont have to as much as i did! I was just persistent. And i complained a lot :)

    but He brought me through. I dont regret pushing hard. You can be free of ocd easily. I will pray for you. And dont sweat the small stuff. Ignore the useless thoughts and move on. Pray about your anxiety and move on! Dont fret over little thoughts. Your waisting your time. Ocd is lies! The bible is truth, always. Dint listen to ocd itts like the liar in the back of your head.

    God bless you.
     
  5. flowerforever7

    flowerforever7 Newbie

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    Hi,

    I cannot diagnose you either but it sounds like OCD. I would print out what you wrote in this forum and take it to the doctor if you get an appointment. Also, The sensitivity to sound may be indicative of Asperger's syndrome or a similar condition, it could be a sensory processing disorder. Asperger's and OCD can sometimes co-morbid together. It could also just be coincidental that you are annoyed by noise and happen to have OCD if you do. You may want to Google a Christian therapist in your area who treats OCD. You could make a call privately.

    God bless.
    _________
    Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name.&#8217;"
     
  6. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    Thanks for the replies everyone! Yep, I know that none of you can diagnose me either, I just wanted some opinions from people with experience on the matter...
    To amaui, Yes, I do have faith in God and trust He can heal me. I've prayed about it, too.

    I've not really mentioned to anyone I know in person about the thoughts, actually... I'm just nervous/embarrassed about it, honestly. But if I get a doctor appointment, maybe I'll just go back alone w/ out my mom like I used to do and then I'll be more comfortable talking. Printing out this post for a doctor to look at is a good idea also!

    Why I thought that the sound sensitivity might have to do with OCD was that it seems that when people eat and it's either just them, or I'm right near them, I will seriously just sit there and be like: Alright what irritating sound's going to happen next that's going to really stress me out?
    Like, I'll obsess over it and it causes discomfort/stress/anxiety.

    But I have been trying to ignore the obsessive thoughts more, but when one of those terrible thoughts comes to mind and I try to just brush it off and not fret too much, I start thinking: That's not bugging me? What's /wrong/ with me? I shouldn't be alright with having that thought!

    Yeah... luckily I've not been having too much problem with that the last two days really, even though I've had some anxiety in the mornings which throws off my appetite.

    I think I had read on here that OCD likes to take what you love and give you all sorts of disturbing thoughts about that thing, right? If so, that's the reasoning for when I'm with animals and have a disturbing instrusive violent thought about them. =/ Animals are one of my favourite things on Earth and I never would want to hurt them, but sometimes have the thoughts/urges to do so which I would never want to! I don't think I ever would, but the thoughts are there. ><

    You know, what brought me to this website, was actually one night when I was feeling rather freaked out/anxious about OCD and I thought: WAIT, I know it says in the Bible not to be anxious or worried or anything like that, but what happens if you have OCD? Does OCD mean you're not solid in your faith?
    So I googled: Christian OCD and this website was one of the first few I found and I've been glued to reading it. I'm so glad I found it and found that other Christians have OCD.
    It's nice to be able to talk about it to other people.
    Thanks again for all the replies and I hope I'll be able to get a dr. appointment soon-ish so I can talk to them about it. For now, I'll do more reading on here and maybe post a bit more here and there. =)
     
  7. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    Random question relating to OCD-- I didn't want to make a new thread, so I'll just stick with this one for now...

    But can having songs stuck in your head,(mainly the same part over and over and over) be related to OCD? I get certain parts of songs stuck in my head all the time and it drives me NUTS sometimes! I either have to try to think of a new song(which might be just as irritating or more irritating than the previous one) or I have to listen to that song so it will stop being stuck in my head. (Which right now I've got a song stuck in my head, so I think I'm going to go listen to it now. )
     
  8. AsterWhelmed255

    AsterWhelmed255 Newbie

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    Dunno, but I do know that it happens to me sometimes, especially right after I start waking up in the morning or if I stop listening to a song right in the middle of it. I don't know if it's related to OCD or not, but it doesn't sound like it's anxiety inducing per se. Just annoying.

    Aster
     
  9. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    Nah, not really anxiety inducing. It just drives me up the wall. However I pretty much ALWAYS have a song stuck in my head. I can't recall NOT having a song stuck in my head..
    Actually I don't have songs stuck in my head while listening to music.

    But that's it, really. =/
    I know anyone can get songs stuck in their head, but most people it's not nearly all day every day
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2012
  10. AsterWhelmed255

    AsterWhelmed255 Newbie

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    Oh. Well, that certainly doesn't sound normal. Maybe you should get that looked at.
     
  11. drjean

    drjean Senior Veteran Supporter

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    Good idea to tell your mom, or MD. Write it down if you think you won't ask...and hand the note to them! Print out the post you made (good job, btw!) and give it to them! You said it all, imo. Yes, medical help is help...and there's medicine that will calm things down some for you, lessening the anxiety... you can do this... I pray you will. :prayer:
     
  12. AsterWhelmed255

    AsterWhelmed255 Newbie

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    Yeah, you'd be right about that. :( Mine's been stuck on whether I should get rid of something I really love because "it's an idol," and it's been giving me any argument it can come up with to do so. It's really distracting and discouraging. :( I've had some of those same thoughts about animals, too, though, even if they don't bother me that much 'cause I know I'd never do something like that.

    I was the same way! :D Nice to know you found us and have been getting help. :)

    Aster
     
  13. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    Was reading something about someone else with that problem(I've been reading TONS of threads on here, which might not always be best... xD) since I'm like: I really like this thing.... it's not an idol to me is it?

    Then I started thinking: Wait, nothing that I love I've put on a higher 'importance level' than God.
    I've not really dealt with scrupulosity much, at least not yet. ><

    I know there is medicine to help OCD if it's needed, however if it's swallowing pills, I...can't.
    I can't swallow pills. I used to, but then all of a sudden I couldn't. I think I'm either scared of choking on them(I've choked before on a whopper...that SUCKED, but my sister saved me!:bow:) or I think I'm even more scared about swallowing pills because it might cause me to throw up if I don't swallow it right away. I get all frozen and I just /can't/ swallow it. Not with milk or water or anything. I end up swallowing all the liquid in my mouth and not the pill. And then the coating on the pill comes off and it makes me want to throw up, and I'm terrified of vomiting so yeah. >< I hope I don't need medicine.


    It'd be best if I could go to the doctor and talk to them about it, however without insurance, we can't afford to go to the doctor since no one's working in my family. (Dad's got a job interview next Thursday morning, so praying that that will go well!:prayer:)
     
  14. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    So I decided to RErewrite what I said in my first post to make it less formal and so I could give my mom a detailed letter on my OCD like symptoms. I only talked with her briefly about it awhile back, nothing to in-depth, unlike this.

    So we'll see what happens now. >< I think I'll just e-mail it to her.
     
  15. gracealone

    gracealone Regular Member

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    I get songs stuck in my head for days. No big deal... I just allow them as background noise. What's funny is that I don't even like some of them... but they're just there anyway. If I try not to think of them I think of them more... so I just ignore them and eventually they go away, or I get another song that I like better stuck in there.
    Nothing to worry about.
    Mitzi
     
  16. gracealone

    gracealone Regular Member

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    I couldn't swallow pills either when I was your age and sometimes I still struggle to choke them down. If I'm in a hurry and just do it automatically I don't have a problem but if I focus on how to get them down, then I usually have to try about three times to swallow them.
    Some meds. come in a liquid form so don't worry you're doctor can figure it out.
    BTW, I am also very phobic of vomiting. Still working on that one but doing better.
    Praying for you as you approach your Mom and for your efforts to seek professional help.
    Mitzi
     
  17. sourdough

    sourdough Newbie

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    Stay strong and definitely look in to going to a cognitive behavioral therapist once your parent's insurance kicks in. I've tried a general MFT (marriage and family therapist) as well as a few psychotherapists and have found cognitive behavioral to be the BEST for patients with OCD. The concern with some of the other therapy types is that if they don't understand OCD, then they might try TALKING to you at length about your intrusive thoughts and analyzing them, when that's the worst thing you can do if you have OCD.

    Best of luck with everything! And welcome to the community! (I'm rather new myself!)
     
  18. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    So I had written my mom a long email explaining everything and instead of replying it online, she came into my room and talked to me, telling me how a lot of things she read that I wrote, she did too. I told her about the occasional blasphemous thoughts(which she asked me to give an example, explanation of, which I failed to come up with very well. xD) and she told me that if I have those thoughts to literally say: Satan, stay away from me, you can't get between me and my relationship with God!
    I told her how I read that people say to just ignore the thoughts, ect,.
    But she told me also that her side of the family has issues with OCD, depression, alcoholism, and all that fun stuff. She said her brother had bad depression and OCD, but she wasn't sure if he was treating the OCD(he was treating the depression though).

    But I definitely believe my mom's got OCD, too. She said that sometimes in the pantry, if she doesn't turn cans or other things a certain direction that something bad will happen if she walks away. She knows it's illogical, but has to do it anyway. She also is really stressed/anxious if things aren't clean around the house. I don't have that issue(my rooms always messy... comes with being an artist. xD) yet, so she gets bugged by me when I leave stuff around. She said she's learned to ignore/cope with most messes, but she still doesn't like it.
    I don't know how much of my email she related to, but I think this whole thing's just...interesting honestly. I'm curious if either of my sisters will end up developing OCD tendencies. Eventually aside from being bugged by random hairs on clothes, or certain parts of clothes not being straight(it bugs my older sister a ton when my jacket's hood is flipped over itself on one side and not on the other) they don't.

    Now for replying to the newer posts:

    I don't generally dislike having music stuck in my head, I also accept it as background noise. Sometimes though I'll get songs I really don't like, and just ONE IRRITATING PART of them stuck on repeat over, and over, and over, until I get really annoyed and go to youtube to listen to something else or grab my mp3 player... or just think about a different song if I don't have access to either.

    As far as pills and other meds go, I rather take chewable meds over liquid or swallow pills. =/ I just hate medicine really. I normally rather deal with the pain or find some natural pain remedy(like dark red cherries) than take pain meds. However, I obviously can't really do that for mental issues depending on what they are and what the medicine needs are. I guess that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it.


    I don't know what CBT is, but I definitely hear it works! Before therapy though, I think I should actually get diagnosed by a real doctor. xD That's the first step(and getting my chronic cough checked out) before I can do anything else.

    Thanks for the help everyone<3 God bless you all!
     
  19. OCD=Owie

    OCD=Owie Newbie

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    I had the same troubles with pills. I think the inability to swallow them might be related to OCD as well. I would think about it way too much, and be afraid that, if I didn't do it right, I would choke on the pill.

    When I got my meds for the first time, I just asked them for a pill cutter and cut my tiny pill into four pieces. Lol. After awhile, I started to learn how to not think about it and just swallow.

    As for songs getting stuck in your head, I actually read about some scientists suspecting that songs getting stuck in your head might be connected to OCD thought processes. It was in "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for Dummies." There's not solid proof or whatever, but they pointed out the similarities. For instance, someone with a song stuck in their head finds it bothersome, and the more they try to push it out of their head, the stronger it comes back. This very closely resembles what OCD does with our symptoms.

    Of course, that doesn't mean you have OCD if you get a song stuck in your head. Obviously, this is a common phenomenon. Lots of people get songs stuck in their heads. But it is a noteworthy resemblance.
     
  20. Fluffpuffgerbil

    Fluffpuffgerbil Newbie

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    Yep, with the pill swallowing thing--- exactly what you said OCD=Owie, I'm just also freaked out about throwing up, and if I wait too long trying to swallow the pill, if it's got a coating, the coating taste makes me want to throw up. To get me to take advil, my mom would crush up the pill and dump the pill dust into a bowl of applesauce, put cinnamon and sugar on it, and there ya go. It didn't taste good at all. >< Now I can't eat applesauce and cinnamon and sugar all together anymore.

    But yes, I worry too much about it.

    That's interesting about the songs getting stuck in heads. I actually have one stuck in my head right now and it was one I listened to last night. It wasn't even the last one I listened to before I went to bed.

    And yeah, obviously you don't immediately have OCD if you get a song stuck in your head. xD

    Thanks for the info!! Much appreciated.
     
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